The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

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OTD in 0216—Bedfellows’ backing singer on bed rest after near-fatal attack outside Park

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Hugo PercevejoHugo Percevejo, backing singer with the group PolyTICKS and The Bedfellows, is on bed rest today after he suffered a near-fatal attack yesterday outside The Park.

According to Kalervo Lude, the group’s manager, Percevejo left The Park yesterday afternoon to visit friends in their new home. Their visit was interrupted by a gang of Humans who threw them out of the home after spraying them with some kind of toxic substance.

Lude said Percevejo told him he was “left to die” on the sidewalk but he managed to crawl back to The Park, where he was taken by Elephant Emergency Brigade to the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. Unfortunately, Percevejo’s friends were not as lucky.

After spending the night in the hospital, the singer was sent home and told to remain on bed rest for a week.

The group’s members issued a statement early this afternoon, confirming that Percevejo will not be performing with them at Wednesday’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice.

“We are devastated by this event and its consequences to our beloved colleague and his friends. We are heartened that Hugo will recover, but our hearts are heavy with sorrow for those who will not,” the statement said in part.

According to Lude, the group will not be replacing Percevejo at Wednesday’s performance

OTD in 2016—Archons unveil logo of “Zoocracy 35”

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zoocracy-35The 2016 Archons and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations (DHFC) have unveiled the official logo of this year’s celebration of the founding of zoocracy in The Park.

At a press event this morning, DHFC director of public relations Aintza Kanariar introduced Chief Archon Raymond Mink, who spoke for a few minutes about Park history and the struggle for Animal self-rule. Then, assisted by his fellow Archons, he pulled the cover off a picture of the official logo.

Commissioned for the occasion by the 2014 Archons, the logo was designed and produced by slow artist Heike Slak, whose painting, “Beacon,” hangs in the Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA).

The year-long celebration in The Park, which will begin on 1 January 2017, will be called “Zoocracy 35,” Mink told the press.  Slak’s “Zoocracy 35” logo features Animals of different species standing together above the words “Zoocracy/35/1982-2017.”

Slak, who spoke briefly at the unveiling, answered reporters’ questions about his colour choices for the logo.

“In many ways, I believe my choices regarding colour make the logo accessible to all,” Slak said. “The use of green, of course, symbolizes The Park. And gold seemed like the best colour to portray the value of Park life.”

Chief Archon Mink said the logo would appear on all official Archon correspondence, as well as on all Park letterhead, and announcements about Zoocracy 35 events. In addition, he confirmed that Park shops would be selling official Zoocracy 35 merchandise, including clothing, bowls, sportswear, and collectibles. A portion of all proceeds will go to a special Zoocracy 35 Fund, which will support The Park’s most needy residents.

OTD in 2012—Caution is key to safety this holiday season: DWBS

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Beware of Humans: The Department of Well-Being and Safety has issued its annual safety alert for the holiday season.

The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has issued its annual seasonal advisory, warning Animals to beware of Humans who display certain characteristics that “might prove dangerous down the road.”

The advisory, which was issued on December 20, warns Park Animals against associating with Humans who display overly-friendly behaviour toward them or who take an “interest in their life circumstances that goes beyond normal friendship.”

“We are advising Park Animals always to be aware, to listen carefully and be observant of Human behaviour, especially during the holiday season,” says DWBS Director of Public Relations, Cornelius Kakapo.

The advisory warns Animals to be on the lookout for Humans who say they are seeking “animal companionship” and who try to entice them with food, or who make cooing noises at them or call them by names such as “cutie” and “sweetie.”

“The sentimentality of the season makes Humans more likely to succumb to urges to take Animals home with them or to give them as gifts to other Humans. Especially at this time of year, Humans seem to lose the ability to see Animals as captains of their own destiny. They sincerely believe they are doing good when they remove us forcibly from our homes and families,” he says.

Any Animal who does experience a problem with Humans is encouraged to report the incident immediately to one of the following DWBS hotlines:

Feral Cat Helpline: 1-899-33725228
Assaulted Animals Helpline: 1-899-27728583
Missing Animals Registry: 1-899-64774642

OTD in 2015—”Think Safety” the theme of this year’s travel advisory, say police, DWBS

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The theme of this year’s travel advisory is “Think Safety.”

As they issued their annual advisory for travel both inside and outside The Park, the police and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) warned Animals to be “extra-vigilant” when interacting with Humans this holiday season.

“As usual, be aware of your surroundings and be vigilant when interacting with Humans. But be aware that certain events that occurred this year in the Human world may have an effect on Humans’ encounters with other Animals,” the advisory warns.

In particular, Animals are warned against interacting with Humans who exhibit sentimental behaviour or who appear to be seeking comfort through association with other Animals.

“Park Animals should be on the lookout for a number of types of suspicious behaviour displayed by Humans. If, for instance, Humans attempt to entice you with food, make cooing noises at you or call you by names with which you are not familiar (such as ‘sweetie’ or ‘cutie’), if they speak of their desire for ‘animal companionship,’ ‘snuggles,’ or if say that they want to ‘rescue’ or ‘save’ you, this should prompt you to leave their company immediately. Do not hesitate to do so,” the advisory says.

“The sentimentality of the season has always affected Human behaviour and made them more likely to succumb to urges to take Animals home with them or to give them as gifts to other Humans,” says DWBS Director of Public Relations, Cornelius Kakapo.

“But this year, that urge may be stronger, with many more Humans having been combatants in war or having been displaced from their homelands. Under normal circumstances, Humans easily lose the ability to see Animals as captains of their own destiny and believe they’re doing good when they remove us forcibly from our homes and families. Under even more strained circumstances, they can begin to believe that Animals exist for their own benefit and comfort,” he says.

Any Animal who does experience a problem with Humans is encouraged to report the incident immediately to one of the following DWBS hotlines:

Feral Cat Helpline: 1-899-33725228
Assaulted Animals Helpline: 1-899-27728583
Missing Animals Registry: 1-899-64774642
Missing Family Members Report: 1-899-32645966
Youthline (Kittens, Puppies, Cubs, etc.): 1-899-96884546

OTD in 2016—DWBS adds sensitivity to endangered species to annual safety advisory

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safetyThe police and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) have added a little something to their Winter travel advisory: the suggestion that we be sensitive to our endangered species.

In their annual statement, which was issued today, they repeated the warning to Park residents to be “extra-vigilant” when interacting with the Human species during the holiday season, but they also emphasized that Humans are not the only species that can hurt Park Animals.

“It is important at this time in the history of the world that we be sensitive to the anxieties of members of our fellow species, particularly those who face extinction,” the advisory warns.

“In our day-to-day dealings with members of endangered species, it is of paramount importance that we exhibit sensitivity and caring and that we not cause them more anxiety than they already are feeling.”

The advisory goes on to warn Park Animals about the dangers of interacting with Humans, both inside and outside The Park:

“Be aware of your surroundings and be vigilant when interacting with Humans. Keep in mind that certain events that occurred this year in the Human world may have an effect on Humans’ encounters with other Animals,” the advisory warns.

In particular, the advisory warns Animals that they should refrain from interacting with Humans who exhibit sentimental behaviour or who appear to be seeking comfort through association with other Animals.

“Be on the lookout for suspicious behaviour displayed by Humans. If they attempt to entice you with food, make cooing noises at you or call you by names with which you are not familiar (such as ‘sweetie’ or ‘cutie’), if they speak of their desire for ‘animal companionship,’ ‘snuggles,’ or if say that they want to ‘rescue’ or ‘save’ you, leave their company immediately. Do not hesitate to do so,” the advisory says.

The advisory listed a number of reasons for the Human behaviour it warns about, including the sentimentality of the season and the fact that many more Humans have been combatants in war or have been displaced from their homelands.

Any Animal who does experience a problem with Humans is encouraged to report the incident immediately to one of the following DWBS hotlines:

Feral Cat Helpline: 1-899-33725228
Assaulted Animals Helpline: 1-899-27728583
Missing Animals Registry: 1-899-64774642
Missing Family Members Report: 1-899-32645966
Youthline (Kittens, Puppies, Cubs, etc.): 1-899-96884546

OTD in 2016—2017 will be the year of the political book, say Park publishers

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Pile of booksA slew of books dealing with politics and zoocracy is set to be released in 2017, according to the Association of Park Publishers (APP).

Inspired by the upcoming celebration of zoocracy’s thirty-fifth anniversary, some of The Park’s most esteemed thinkers began toiling in secret a few years ago, setting down their analyses and ideas about Animal self-rule. Their work will be released in published form beginning in January.

“This is definitely the year of the political book,” says Momoko Yamaneko, Editor-in-Chief of Prionailurus Press.

“We realized that back in 2014, when we started getting manuscripts dealing with zoocracy and Park history. Some of them could have been published earlier, but we decided to wait and make it a literary celebration of this political phenomenon. We feel very privileged to have the opportunity to release twenty-five books this year on the subject.”

Other Park publishers agree. Marcellin de la Griffe, who owns and manages Marcellin de la Griffe Publishers, says his company has been working on the same theme for a couple of years. The publisher says that after wooing historian and University of West Terrier professor Pieter Paard away from Birch Bark Books, he managed to convince other prominent writers to publish their books with his company.

“Our authors— who are historians, political philosophers, scientists, psychologists, and artists—represent some of The Park’s greatest thinkers. We’re going to have an incredible year-long launch party,” he says.

OTD in 2018—Winter Solstice 2018: The Park ushers in Winter with its biggest bash ever

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The biggest bash in Park history is about to begin.

The 2018 Celebration of the Winter Solstice kicks off at sunrise—7:48 to be exact—and will continue on, officially, until 3:00 in the morning on December 22.

“This will be the biggest bash we’ve ever hosted and it will be memorable,” director of public relations Aintza Kanariar said, as she announced the official schedule as per the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

This year’s festival will celebrate life in The Park in all its seasons, but particularly in Winter, despite the weather wreaking havoc on certain plans.

“We’d hoped to surprise attendees by opening the Otter Ice Slide ahead of schedule, but the weather is simply too warm for that,” Kanariar said. Instead, they’ll be setting up the mud slide temporarily.

“We all enjoy the mud slide, but this is the first time it’s been used in the Winter,” Kanariar laughed. The slide will remain open until colder weather makes the ice slide feasible.

This year’s event will once again include an original dance choreographed for the occasion by Herman Stoat, which will be performed by his eponymous dance company. Entitled, “Four in Twenty-Eighteen,” Stoat told Mammalian Daily Radio that in celebrating each of the four seasons, the dance not only honours nature, but memorializes the climate that we’ve lost.

“But it’s not meant to be sad; it’s hopeful in that it’s a call to appreciation and awareness,” he said.

New to the schedule this year is an off-site celebration at The Park Museum, which includes a sunrise ceremony of welcome performed by the Working Wounded Performing Arts Company and an interactive event for children, “Archon For a Day.”

Also new this year, the Human imitators will be replaced by a marathon spoken word performance by Mumblebee.

Other highlights of the celebration include:

  • Jugglers, clowns, and others will entertain throughout the day and night
  • Students from the Hani Gajah School of Art will be providing free tail-painting and whisker-twisting for young participants
  • Costume dress-up events will be hosted hourly by the Park Historical Society
  • Storytelling
  • Harmonious Hannah and Humphrey will be on hand for selfies throughout the festivities

The list of Park music makers who will perform appears below in order of appearance. Kanariar would not confirm rumours that Rodent Commoner reporter Gunnar Rotte will join the All Rodent Marching Band in a celebration of the involvement of The Park’s Rodent community in zoocracy.

The Feral Four
The Canary Cousins
Spontaneous Generation
Les Chiens Débraillés
SCENTient Beings
Jargonhead
Persistent Sisters
Bone Weary
The Cynics
Will.o.be
Memes of Production
Mumblebee
Last Stand
Eggie and The Pigs
ZEAL
Inktvis and Krake
The All-Rodent Marching Band
The DomEstyx
The Beasts of Burden
BHR (Big Hearts Rule) formerly NIML (Not In My Lifetime)
Fish Rap

As ever, a major component of the celebration will be the food. This year, celebrity chef Tab Tricolore will prepare another wonderful “feral buffet,” as well as supplying non-perishables from his restaurant grassRoutes. He’ll also host guests at his Park Museum restaurant, The PurrBoy Café. Other food purveyors include The Battering Ram Café, The Compost Heap, The Broop ‘n Miaow, The Draft, The Pound Gastropub, and The Cackling Goose Tavern. Mikko Tikkeri’s The Feeding Station will be once again be serving a full breakfast just after the solstice occurs as well as a buffet at midnight. Ants in Your Pantry and Provisions by Petrounel will send all celebrants home with tasty party favours.

The Celebration of the Winter Solstice begins at 7:48 a.m. (sunrise) on December 21. Food will be served throughout the event. The Solstice will occur at 11:48 a.m. Local Park Time (LPT).

OTD in 2014—The sun will rise and set on the Celebration of the Winter Solstice

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Winter SolsticeThe Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations has announced the itinerary and lineup for the 2014 Celebration of the Winter Solstice.

At a press conference last night, Aintza Kanariar, the Department’s director of public relations, confirmed that tomorrow’s festivities will begin at sunrise.

“This is the third time in the last seven years that the Winter Solstice celebrations have begun at sunrise. Because of the positive feedback we’ve received from past celebrants, we have decided to make it permanent,” she said.

The 2014 Celebration will incorporate some of the most successful components of past years’ festivities with some “surprises and innovations,” Kanariar said.

Some of The Park’s most popular music makers will perform, including Inktvis and Krake, The Feral Four, Eggie and the Pigs, SCENTient Beings, The Beasts of Burden, SpontaneousGeneration, rapper Will.o.be. and The Cynics. Invited special musical guests include Thisbe and the Barkettes and The All-Rodent Marching Band.

The Herman Stoat Dance Company will perform a new work, created for the occasion. This year’s dance, choreographed by Stoat and the company’s assistant choreographer Gustav Hermelin, will celebrate what Stoat has called, “the complicated road upon which we travel.”

Entitled “Le Chemin Compliqué,” the work will feature dancers from a wide variety of species, many of whom are not part of his company and some who are not what he calls “natural dancers.”

“This year, we chose our dancers first, then gave them intensive training in performance. It was gruelling for some of them, but very satisfying in the end,” he said in an interview last week.

Stoat also said that the work requires the attention of the audience.

“This is not one you can sleep through,” he said, laughing. “It is very metaphorical in its portrayal of Park life, but we believe it is well worth the focus and it will repay, minute for minute, in pleasure and understanding,” he said.

Other entertainment acts will include jugglers, clowns, and a Human imitator. And, while students from the Hani Gajah School of Art will paint “three-minute portraits” of Solstice celebrants, the Park Historical Society will offer revellers the opportunity to dress up in a variety of costumes and represent Park historical figures.

As always, a major component of the festivities will be the food. This year’s fare will hail from Clowder, The Draft, and The Pound Gastropub. Ants in Your Pantry and Provisions by Petrounel will once again send all attendees home with tasty party favours.

The Celebration of the Winter Solstice begins at sunrise on December 21. Food will be served until 11:00 pm. The Solstice will occur at 6:03 pm Local Park Time (LPT).

OTD in 2012—”Non-Hibernators’ Guilt” can mar enjoyment of Winter celebrations, experts say

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Non-hibernators’ guilt, which has been linked to Sad Cow Disease, (SCD) can mar enjoyment of Winter celebrations, according to experts

With the Winter Solstice celebrations just a few days away, experts in the field of mental health have turned their attention to one of the season’s biggest scourges: Non-Hibernators’ Guilt.

“After Extinction Anxiety, Non-Hibernators’ Guilt is the most common psychological condition we see in the Winter season,” says Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon, a Park psychotherapist who will also serve as a staff member at The Park’s first Extinction Anxiety Clinic when it opens in January.

The condition, also known as NHG, can affect Animals who remain awake and active during the Winter season, but who have close friends and associates who are hibernators. NHG-affected Animals experience a deep sense of guilt and anxiety, concurrently with happiness, when they attend Park celebrations and important events in the Winter.

The Winter Solstice celebrations, in particular, are difficult for Park Animals. It is around that time that symptoms of NHG begin to occur, says Gibbon.

“These are the first celebrations of the Winter season, the first celebrations that are attended only by non-hibernators. In a way, they set the tone for the rest of the season. The amount of stress this puts on our non-hibernators has, I believe, been underestimated in the past,” she says.

While statistics show the number of Animals treated for NHG rising, experts in the field say the condition is not always easy to diagnose.

“Many of the symptoms of NHG are similar to those of other psychological conditions,” says Dr. Chloris Cougar, a researcher at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine.

In fact, some of NHG’s symptoms look remarkably similar to those associated with Feline Unipolar Depressive Disorder (FUDD), one of Dr. Cougar’s areas of expertise. It’s important, however, that we not confuse NHG with other conditions, Dr. Cougar stresses.

“There is some preliminary evidence that suggests a connection between NHG and Sad Cow Disease (SCD), but this is very, very early research and we have to be very careful about making assumptions based on it. SCD is a more complex condition and is much more difficult to treat,” she says.

She likens NHG, on the other hand, to “a stronger variation of normal.”

“It’s natural for Animals to miss those close to them who are in hibernation, especially during times of celebration. But some Animals experience this temporary loss more profoundly than others. Those are the Animals we are concerned about,” she says.

While acknowledging that much further research is needed, the two experts offered this advice, in the meantime, for non-hibernating Park Animals:

“Try to enjoy the Winter holiday season by understanding the dictates of nature. Your hibernating compatriots are not missing out on the fun; instead, they are doing what is necessary for their survival. Soon enough, they’ll be among us again, celebrating other joyful occasions.”

OTD in 2015—Last Stand to join lineup at expanded Celebration of the Winter Solstice

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Winter Solstice celebrationsLast Stand, the newly-formed band whose members all hail from endangered species, will be just one of the additions to this year’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice, it has been announced.

At a short press event this morning, Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, confirmed not only the department’s invitation to the band but a number of other novel additions to the celebration’s lineup.

“We are taking a leaf out of the Groundhog Dog playbook,” Kanariar joked, as she listed a number of different performers and activities that will make their Winter Solstice début this year.

Along with Last Stand, whose founder and lead guitarist RAYdius tweeted out his delight at the invitation this morning, the celebration will include other musicians who have never performed at the Solstice, such as NIML. As well, there will be karaoke, stand-up comedy, poetry readings, tail painting, dancing, games, and athletics, among other things.

But Kanariar was quick to reassure attendants that all of the past celebratory items will be on the menu this year, as well.

“Our celebrants count on us to retain certain aspects of the event, and we promise we won’t let them down,” she said.

To that end, Kanariar confirmed that the celebration will include an original dance choreographed for the occasion by Herman Stoat and performed by his eponymous dance company. The entertainment will also include jugglers, clowns, a Human imitator, painting by students from the Hani Gajah School of Art, and costume dress-up events hosted by the Park Historical Society.

And, as always, a major component of the festivities will be the food. The suppliers of this year’s fare include The Cackling Goose Tavern, The Battering Ram Café, The Compost Heap, The Broop ‘n Miaow, The Draft, and The Pound Gastropub. Appetizers will be served for the first two hours of the celebration courtesy of Chef Mikko Tiikeri’s The Feeding Station. Ants in Your Pantry and Provisions by Petrounel will once again send all attendees home with tasty party favours.

The complete itinerary for the event will be released shortly, Kanariar said.

The Celebration of the Winter Solstice begins at sunrise on December 21. Food will be served until 11:00 pm.

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