Satirical fiction in newspaper form
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And, please join me on my blog at She Came to Play and read all about our adventures.
What began as a casual conversation between two University of West Terrier professors has grown into a mega project that they hope will arouse curiosity in young Animals about The Park’s past and inspire them to think more deeply about their own rôle in its future.
Called “The Park Before YOU,” the project is the brainchild of historian Beatrice Zilonis and Domoina Fossa of the F. Varrah Flanagan School of Education. The multi-faceted, multimedia project was developed with funding from the Archons’ Zoocracy 35 Grant Program.
Using audio, video, live theatre, stand-up comedy, and even a half-hour original musical, the project will trace life in The Park from its very beginnings to the present day.
“We want this to be a rich, multidimensional experience for the young,” Zilonis said in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning. “We want to pique their interest and nudge them in the direction of curiosity, instead of herding them into a classroom to hear a lecture on the wonder of Animal self-rule.”
Although the project had its impetus in that casual conversation more than a year ago, the idea had been brewing in the minds of both professors, after results of several studies indicated that The Park’s young lacked historical perspective and weren’t very interested in zoocracy or politics.
“Delia Quagga [head of the UWT Barnaby School of Government] did a study that showed Park citizens are not as politically savvy as in previous decades and we both thought we wanted to nip that in the bud,” Zilonis said in her radio interview. “The last thing we want is for that lack of interest to be passed down to the next generation.”
The Park Before YOU will run an entire year and talks about a permanent installation are underway with both The Park Museum and the University of West Terrier, Zilonis said.
Tomorrow night will mark the project’s beginning, with the screening at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre of a series of animated short films about Animal self-rule.
Even Miaowgirls get the blues.
That is the determination of six University of West Terrier researchers who have analyzed the results of the first phase of a three-part study of depression and its effects on Cats.
The study, entitled, “Depression in Cats: Even Miaowgirls Get the Blues,” was funded in part by The Catnip Company and is the first undertaking of its kind in the history of UWT’s School of Medicine.
“We are very excited about this study,” said Dr. Chloris Cougar, who heads the team of dedicated researchers.
“Until recently, we had to make do with second-hand information, most of which came from Human sources and did not, necessarily, reflect the realities of Feline life.”
The current study, she said, “gives us the opportunity to analyze data that pertain solely to Felines. This will enable us to understand the full effects of depression on our particular species.”
The UWT Researchers estimate that Feline depression accounts for a significant loss of productivity in The Park, as well as profound mental anguish and physical discomfort for the individuals involved.
In addition, Dr. Cougar believes that depression can cause or affect other illnesses in Cats.
“We have long suspected that depression has been, in part, the cause of other conditions that Cats presented with at our hospital and at Dr. Bourru’s office. We look forward to having the chance to test that hypothesis.”
To date, analysis of the first phase of the study has enabled the UWT team to isolate at least one distinct depressive syndrome in Cats, which it calls Feline Unipolar Depressive Disorder, or FUDD (see symptoms below).
“This is truly a breakthrough,” said Dr. Cougar, “Once we are able to recognize the symptoms of depression in Cats, we will be able to develop effective treatments for the disease. This study has given us all new hope.”
Results of the second and third phases of the study are expected to be published within the next three years.
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FUDD: The Symptoms
Physical symptoms include changes in appetite and sleep patterns, fatigue, and restlessness:
The war of words and deeds between Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros and celebrity chef Tab Tricolore continued today, with the news that the chef has officially barred Tavros from attending Thursday’s Charity Concert After-Party at his PurrBoy Café.
“I won’t let him in the door. I refuse to look at his face,” Tricolore said in a television interview this morning.
The problems between the two began a month ago, when Tavros publicly accused Tricolore of discrimination because he does not allow non-striped Animals at The Tabby Club. Tricolore responded by saying that Tavros was “all bluster” and he ignored his repeated calls to be allowed into the club, which was established by Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy.
But things turned nasty after Tricolore announced he would introduce his new drink, the “Liberation Libation,” at the Chitter Radio Literary Awards. Tricolore served the drink free of charge to Awards attendees but, as many chefs do, he kept the ingredients and the recipe a secret. Tavros then threatened to publicly “deconstruct” the drink, which he did with the aid of a drinks expert whom he invited to his show. For the past few days, Tavros has been tweeting the drink’s ingredients. And that was the last straw, according to those close to Tricolore.
“Tab can take a lot of personal criticism, but when it comes to his cooking or his business, he lays down the law,” says Tricolore’s former saucier, Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla. “I’m not at all surprised that he’s barred Tavros from the PurrBoy.”
The University of West Terrier announced today that it has greenlit a new investigation into Human intelligence and behaviour that will be directed by Dr. Luule Aednik of the Department of Psychology‘s Cognitive and Experimental Psychology division.
The investigation, which will involve a team of researchers from both the Department of Psychology and the Department of Human Studies, will take place this Summer, during the height of the tourist season.
According to Dr. Aednik, researchers will be testing Humans’ ability to “think themselves out of a paper bag.” The investigation will employ more than a dozen graduate students, who will drop the bags over the heads of random Humans, as they walk through The Park. Cameras placed around The Park—in Tree branches, near ponds, outside theatres, and in picnic areas, will capture the Humans’ attempts to free themselves from the bags.
In a statement accompanying the announcement this morning, Dr. Aednik said he has no idea what the research will show.
“We come to this investigation without prejudice,” he wrote. “We have open minds and open hearts, and we will conduct the investigation with the utmost respect for the Human species.”
Data from the three-month investigation will be analyzed during the Winter, Dr. Aednik wrote, and he hopes to publish the results in the prestigious Journal of Human Behaviour (JHB) next year.
Dorika Pumi, curator at The Park Museum, has produced a simple yet powerful piece entitled, Pet Project: Monikers of Domestication to honour Enforced Domestication Awareness Month in The Park.
Pumi used one whole museum wall at the west side of the main building, as the backdrop for the video.
“There is no voiceover or commentary,” Pumi emphasizes. “The video speaks for itself.”
“The Wall,” as Pumi refers to it, will be on display at the museum until the end of the year.
Six Park Animals were arrested and are currently in jail awaiting a bail hearing after being charged with stripespotting within the boundaries of The Park.
In a short statement released at noon today, Inspector Maurice Addax of the Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) confirmed the arrest early this morning.
“On the morning of June 25, Park Police attended at the site of the Ancient Oak Tree and found six Animals, residents of The Park, engaged in the illegal activity of stripespotting. Following confirmation of these activities, Police arrested all six Animals. The Animals are now at the Park Jail awaiting the assessment of bail charges and the setting of dates for trial,” the statement said.
Legal experts told The Mammalian Daily that the arrested Animals are likely to be waiting in jail for some time.
“They picked a bad day to be arrested, particularly on those charges,” said Delwyn Terrier, founding partner of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd.
Terrier was referring to the fact that Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court is presently hearing opening arguments on the first day of the trial of SplotchWatch owner and operator Raimundo Zorro. In April, Zorro was charged with two counts of “inciting hate” and one count of “inciting discord” by means of operating the SplotchWatch web site, which names Animals who have had their spots or stripes removed.
“I don’t think there’ll be much sympathy for those Animals today, not if they were caught stripespotting,” Terrier said.
The act of stripespotting, which is a form of bullying, involves pointing to and calling out striped Animals as they pass by. The calling out is usually done in a threatening voice. Although some Animals still consider it a harmless prank or even a valid pastime, the act itself was outlawed eleven years ago and, according to Terrier, those few who still practise it can expect harsh punishment from the courts.
Speaking out for the first time since his return to The Park in early January, Chef Tab Tricolore recounted the details surrounding his December disappearance in a radio interview yesterday. He also spoke candidly about the obvious changes in his behaviour.
“I was forcibly taken from The Park and neutered,” he told host Yannis Tavros on his Toro Talk Radio show yesterday afternoon.
“I was trapped by Humans while sourcing food for Klo [Tricolore’s fine dining establishment]. Of course, I didn’t know it was a trap. I sniffed something incredible and thought I have to get some of that for tonight’s service. It was something I’d never tasted before. It had a different aroma from anything I’d ever smelled. I think it was smoked. As soon as I’d ingested a piece of it, I heard a door slam behind me and I realized what had happened,” he said.
Tavros, who sounded visibly shaken by the revelation, asked Tricolore if he had tried to escape.
“There was no escaping,” Tricolore replied. “But I did manage to draw blood from a number of them.”
He said he was put in the back of a van and realized he was only one of many who’d been caught that morning.
“We all had the same story. It was terrifying. At that moment, I realized it didn’t matter who you were or what you’d accomplished. Humans see us as all the same.”
Tricolore said that, along with the others, he was taken to a clinic where he was anaesthetized and then neutered.
“I woke up in this prison cell. It was horrible. Some of the hair was missing from my arm and my whole body ached. I was parched, but there was no water bowl. A few hours later, they brought me some food and water…something awful that came out of a can. I don’t know what it was. But I was so hungry, I ate it. I spent a couple of days there, never going out, never seeing the light of day. There were at least a dozen of us. We were in the middle of planning an escape when three Humans came in with the biggest cage I’ve ever seen. They herded us into it and then back into the van and dropped us off just outside The Park.”
The renowned chef, restaurateur, and award-winning author said he “struggled every day with the reality of what happened to him” until he finally came to a “place of acceptance.”
“It’s done,” he said, matter-of-factly. “There’s nothing I can do to undo it. I could, as some have suggested, plot my revenge. But these Humans are dangerous and there’s no guarantee I could survive an attempt at revenge,” he said.
Instead, Tricolore said he’d rather use his new and hard-won knowledge to educate Park Animals. And that’s the reason he chose to speak out during Enforced Domestication Awareness Month.
“I’m a different Cat now. There’s no getting away from that. Some say I’m ‘mellow,’ but that’s just a euphemism. I’m just not the same. But I think I can do some good and that’s what I’m trying to do. If I can prevent this from happening to one other Cat, it will have been worth it,” he said.
MAMMALIAN DAILY EXCLUSIVE
The effects of enforced domestication are often felt several generations down the road, say experts who participated in a panel discussion yesterday at the University of West Terrier’s Medical College.
Entitled “Acquired Misery: The Effects of Enforced Domestication on the Offspring of Survivors,” the event marked the first time that such a group has gathered to share their knowledge of the after-effects of enforced domestication and the toll it takes on Animal families.
Panel members included psychotherapist Dr. Berthilidis Strix, author of Shaken But Not Stirred and co-author of The Silent Cluck, Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon, a Park psychotherapist and staff member at the Extinction Anxiety Clinic, psychoanalyst Dr. Elinore E. Owl, UWT researcher Dr. Chloris Cougar, known for her work in the area of Feline Unipolar Depressive Disorder (FUDD), and Dr. Simon Crow, director of Avian Medicine at UWT. The panel also included representatives of The Park’s many aid groups, including Home to Roost, Runaway Rovers, and the Tortoise Immigrant Aid and Mentor Programme.
The panel’s honorary guest participant was novelist Hercule Parrot, winner of a 2012 Chitter Radio Literary Award and part-time mentor at BirdBrains, The Park’s first Avian mentoring programme. A domestication survivor himself, Parrot gave a very moving speech at the concluding ceremonies at last year’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month.
Yesterday’s full-day discussion centred on the psychological and physical effects of enforced domestication on the offspring of survivors.
“This is an area that has rarely been discussed openly, but we see the effects of it every day,” said Angus Deerhound, a representative of Runaway Rovers, an aid group that assists formerly domestic Canines.
“These Canines make a life for themselves in The Park and then they respond to messages that they should reproduce…[they are told] that they can make better lives for their offspring and, somehow, right a wrong. But they can’t do that without our help. They end up just making another wrong,” Deerhound said.
Statistics presented by the UWT’s Medical College, the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, and the Extinction Anxiety Clinic underscored the need for a plan of action to help those born to domestication survivors.
“When more than half of these Animals end up with some kind of anxiety disorder, some of them with debilitating ones, we cannot afford to look the other way. We must recognize the gravity of the situation,” said Inez Gallina, president of Home to Roost.
The 2017 Archons are expected to announce funding for a Barkettes museum before the end of this month, a source close to the governing body has told The Mammalian Daily.
According to the source, Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu put the project to a vote last week and it was unanimously passed. Funding for the museum is expected to be spread out over time and allocated in the next five budgets. Thisbe and the Barkettes were not consulted by the Archons, but they were made aware of the impending vote.
In October of 2015, the Canine Music Association teamed up with the Park Historical Society to push for a museum to honour the beloved group, who just this month donated a new song to the cause of enforced domestication awareness. CMA president R.F. Aarrf and Park Historical Society president Clark Cascanueces called it a “travesty” that the Barkettes had not been honoured properly in The Park.
“The Barkettes broke the species barrier when it came to music and they paved the way for the success of all other Park musicians. We are long overdue in honouring them by keeping their accomplishments alive for the next generations,” Cascanueces said when he and Aarrf launched a petition to pressure the Archons to establish the museum.
Currently, the Barkettes retain possession of most of their memorabilia, but in April of 2015, they donated the original sheet music and some early drafts of the lyrics of “Stuffed Dogs Don’t Shed” to The Park Museum.
