The Mammalian Daily

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OTD in 2013—DWBS to endangered species: use or lose your benefits

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The Department of Well-Being and Safety is reminding members of endangered species to take advantage of the benefits that are offered to them by The Park's administrationIf you or someone you know is a member of an endangered species, The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety has an important message for you: sign up for your benefits within the next six months or risk losing them, forever.

“We’re not meaning to be harsh or hard-hearted about this,” says DWBS Director of Public Relations, Cornelius Kakapo.

“But it is becoming increasingly important for us to have an accurate figure [for benefits] to present to The Park’s budget committee. Since benefits under the Endangered Species Benefits Programme (ESBP) are one of the the biggest items in our budget, we are asking Animals who qualify but who have not applied, to please do so before the end of the calendar year.”

Kakapo says that when the DWBS established the programme seven years ago, nearly two hundred species of Park Animals were eligible for the benefits.

“That number has grown exponentially. It is almost impossible for us to keep up with the growing number of species [that have become eligible for the programme], let alone the number of new eligibles who have come to The Park through our refugee, re-homing, and other programmes,” he said.

In a report presented earlier this year at the University of West Terrier’s Livingstone School of Economics and Social Science, Kakapo noted that over the last year, the DWBS had hired an additional five full-time and seven part-time workers just to deal with endangered species issues.

“I suppose you might say that means that our programmes are working,” Kakapo joked at the time.

Neither he nor the rest of the DWBS is joking now, though.

“It’s a matter of great importance to all of us in The Park, so make sure you sign up for what’s coming to you before it’s too late,” he says.

Benefits under the Endangered Species Benefits Programme include the following:

• Entry into The Park’s Endangered Species Registry (ESR)

• Official Endangered Species Photo Identity Card

• Health and Dental Insurance (medicaments included)

• Longevity check-up (once per year)

• Legacy photographs of your family taken by official Park photographer

• Family tree plotting (1 copy per resident)

• Estate planning service

• Taxidermy/Cryopreservation/Burial consultations and services

• Free admission to all Park museums and attractions

N.B. The term “endangered species” is defined as any species that has been designated as “officially endangered” by both The Park’s administration and the Department of Well-Being and Safety.

OTD in 2017—Tricolore to open pop-up version of new “grassRoutes” resto at Mating Dance

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Tab TricoloreWith all that dancing and mingling and socializing, you can really work up an appetite at the Mating Dance.

But, this year, Tab Tricolore will come to the rescue.

In anticipation of his first annual Feral Roots Festival in July, the Celebrity chef, restaurateur, and author will open a pop-up version of his new restaurant (opening date as yet undetermined), grassRoutes.

Samples of the “all natural” fare were available this morning at a press gathering hosted by Tricolore and his former saucier, Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla. While Tricolore walked through the crowd acting like a proud father, Burmilla expounded on each dish, discussing provenance, cooking techniques, presentation, and most important of all, flavours.

Since the permanent grassRoutes restaurant will feature naturally-sourced feral cuisine, Burmilla took pains to explain the meaning of the term, as well as the health benefits and financial rewards. He also offered these two important pieces of advice: Don’t buy anything that shouldn’t grow where you live or that is bigger than it should be. And don’t mess around with good natural ingredients.

“These are the only two rules to follow in feral cuisine,” he said. “And remember: food that is naturally grown and naturally-sourced is cheaper by half and three times as good for you.”

Despite his saucy nickname, Burmilla said he is just as “evangelical” about food as his former boss.

“Tab and I not only share a history, we share a passion for good, tasty, nutrition. Otherwise, we couldn’t work together,” he said.

OTD in 2015—On your mark, get set, go! Drop your metaphors at the door and join MWM!

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Month Without MetaphorPark media’s second annual Month Without Metaphor (MWM) begins today!

The initiative aims to gauge the effectiveness of reporting the news “without embellishments, comparisons, and the painting of pictures for the reading public,” according to its organizers.

You can follow Park media as they tweet through the month at Month Without Metaphor (MWM).

OTD in 2013—Canine Music Association announces award

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In recognition of the pioneering efforts of Thisbe and the Barkettes in the field of Canine music and Canine music awareness, The Canine Music Association has announced the establishment of the Thisbe and the Barkettes Honorary Award for Excellence in Music and Musical Citizenship.

halcyondaysAt a press conference held at his office, R.F. Aarrf, President of the CMA, said the award will recognize those Canines who have achieved success, not only in their own musical careers, but also in the promotion of Canine music and interspecial understanding and acceptance.

“This is where our future lies [in global recognition] and no one has made a more important contribution in this area than Thisbe and the Barkettes,” said Aarrf.

Citing their 19 AZ world tour in support of universal peace and interspecial harmony, Aarrf noted that the Barkettes had forged friendships with musicians who belonged to a wide variety of species.

“I think they have been an inspiration to many musicians,” he said. “I think a lot of young singers [of any species] look at the Barkettes and think that, maybe, it is possible to achieve their dream, and it is largely because of the Barkettes that this is so.”

The prize, which will be awarded annually at a dinner hosted by the CMA, will include a recording contract as well as a cash payment and gold tag.

The Barkettes, on hiatus after the cancellation this year of their farewell tour, issued a statement saying they were “humbled” by the naming of the award.

OTD in 2017—Grooming houses “fully booked” for post-Toe-Hair Contest trimmings

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tallulahstoilettageBusiness is so good at The Park’s grooming houses that it’s almost overwhelming.

“We are fully booked for post-Toe-Hair Contest trimmings,” says Tallulah of Talulah’s Toilettage. “We’re even over-booked on our waiting list.”

Such is the state of grooming in The Park these days that both Tallulah and Amoltrud Poedel, owner and operator of Amoltrud’s Aesthetics, say they’re on the hunt for bigger premises.

“It’s not a matter of hiring anymore; it’s a matter of where would you put more staff and customers?” says Poedel, who along with Tallulah and the owners of The Mane Event, The Pluming Room, and En Garde Hair and Skin Salon, founded the Park School of Aesthetics in 2014 in order to deal with a shortage of grooming staff in The Park.

Now, a few years later, they have a constant stream of new talent to add to their roster. But with The Park’s population growing steadily and fewer Animals doing their own grooming, many of the Big Five, as they like to call themselves, have outgrown their homes.

“It’s a good problem to have, but it’s a problem nonetheless,” says The Mane Event’s head coiffeur Marlene Bärin.

Bärin credits the growth in the number of Park events for the surge in business, but she also thinks they should be spread out more.

“I don’t envy my friends at The Pluming Room,” she says. “They’ve been booked up for the Mating Dance and the Fowl Ball since February.”

Tano Pagun, The Pluming Room’s co-owner, confirms that fact but, like Bärin, says it’s the right problem to have.

“We won’t get any sleep until June, but we’ll enjoy it all the more,” she laughs.

OTD in 2017—Ingolf Ewald donates “Wisdom Rejects Beauty” to Fowl Ball auction

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wisdom-rejects-beautyRenowned artist Ingolf Ewald has donated one of his most famous paintings to the Fowl Ball auction.

“Wisdom Rejects Beauty,” which has hung for years in a gallery outside The Park, will be on the auction block on May 31, and will help to fund the new Avian retirement home.

In a short announcement this morning, Fowl Ball organizer Rafael Ortega expressed his “profound” gratitude to Ewald, calling him “an extraordinarily generous artist” who has shared not only his work but his time and enthusiasm with residents of The Park.

Ewald, who is known as a recluse, first arrived in The Park to open The Park Museum of Contemporary Art’s 2015 exhibition, “Art of the Domestic Feline.” In addition to opening the exhibition, Ewald lent his most famous painting, “Plumpen Rolletariat” to it. He followed that visit with another secret visit in 2016 and earlier this month, he painted live for six days at the PMoCA’s “ARCHONOGRAPHY.”

The artist himself will transport “Wisdom Rejects Beauty” to The Park in mid-May and it will hang in the PMoCA until the end of the month, when it will be moved to the Ball’s headquarters.

OTD in 2017—Ronald Grouse declares war on Metaphor, Hyperbole, and Manipulation

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mwm-posterRonald Grouse has declared war. But we’ll only be able to print that until Monday.

Just a few days before the start of Park media’s Month Without Metaphor (MWM), The Avian Messenger’s chief political analyst and newly-elected MWM director held a press conference this morning in which he himself used the war metaphor. And many more.

“It’s time we declared war on some of the tools that media use,” he said. “We need to communicate better and more effectively. We need straight talk: just the facts, no hyperbole. And we need to stop manipulating our readers. Our job is to inform, not to perform,” he said.

Grouse, who has in the past criticized the direction in which Park media appeared to be headed, said he is looking forward to May’s event.

“I look forward to steering Month Without Metaphor toward success,” he said. “The challenges we face as Park citizens are serious ones that require us to be clear-eyed and open-minded. I hope to be able to engage the hearts and minds of readers and listeners and build momentum toward creating a more honest and open media that will help with the problems we face.”

OTD in 2016—Toe-Hair Contest exacerbates fear of extinction in some Animals: therapist

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Rhino LoserThe Park’s annual Toe-Hair Contest may be having a devastating effect on the vulnerable in our population, according to mental health specialist Victoire Caméléon.

The part-time researcher and psychotherapist, who works at one of The Park’s two Extinction Anxiety Clinics, made the assertion this past weekend.

Speaking at a conference on extinction and mental health at the University of West Terrier, Caméléon said evidence suggests that the annual competition negatively affects those who fear for the survival of their species.

“This is not simply an issue of self esteem; it is an issue of survival and Animals’ sense of self-preservation,” she said.

The annual contest, which has come to signal the beginning of Spring, rewards those who are most able to grow long, thick, healthy toe-hairs over the Winter season.

But, Caméléon said, many in our vulnerable populations are not able to do so, through no fault of their own. Still, the emphasis the contest places on this one aspect has made some Animals feel weaker and less able to survive.

“There are a number of factors that are involved in toe-hair growth, as well as in other aspects of physical health,”  Caméléon said. “Everything from the environment to emotional stress to having the luxury of time and the resources to cultivate oneself can affect toe-hair growth. We should be cognizant of that when we reward Animals for something that they are not in complete control of.”

Yet, even despite these negative effects, Caméléon is not calling for an end to the contest.

“It began as purely a fun event, almost a farcical celebration of the post-Winter season. I think we should preserve that aspect of the contest and place less emphasis on the winning part,” she said.

OTD in 2016—Park Animals sighted at celebrity can opening

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Hill of cats and dogsA number of Park citizens were caught on camera yesterday afternoon, eating, partying, and rubbing up against celebrities at a can opening outside The Park.

According to the gossip web site headsNtales, which published a series of pictures taken at the outdoor event, a “large group of Park Animals” attended the can opening hosted by Humans.

“The exceptionally well-attended event included a vast sampling of different canned foods, sparkling and still water served in bowls and on-site entertainment, as well as free grooming,” the gossip site said.

headsNtales co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo said her reporters could not verify that the Park Animals had been invited to the event.

“We aren’t able to say whether the Park Animals were responding to an invite or just came upon the event in their travels. It [the event] was well-publicized outside The Park, but no Park media we know of published any information about it,” she said.

OTD in 2015—Cynics to re-release Take the A Frame

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A Frame (1)The Cynics (Philosopher Dogs) will release a new version of their wildly successful collection Take the A Frame next month, according to an announcement issued yesterday.

A late afternoon press release signed by the group’s founder and lead singer, Luther “Droop” Dachshund, said the group will release a digital version of the collection at the end of May. The announcement said the collection will include a brand new version of the title song as well as the digitally re-mastered original.

The release date is meant to coincide with The Park’s observation of Enforced Domestication Awareness month in June, Dachshund said in the announcement.

“Our group has been supportive of that initiative from its inception and we want to reinforce our relationship with it again this year,” he wrote.

Last year, The Cynics donated the proceeds of their song Diamond in the Ruff to the cause.

“We’ve been fighting enforced domestication for years, but there hasn’t been much movement on the issue until recently…We want to do as much as we can to further awareness of domestication’s harsh reality,” he said at the time.

Since then, The Cynics have performed very little, save for a few concerts at The Pound, the gastropub of which they are part-owners. And, although the press release did not mention any upcoming concert dates, a spokesAnimal for Rotunda Records, the group’s label since its founding, said he thought there might be something in the works.

“They’ve been working very hard in the studio and not just on the re-release,” the spokesAnimal said. “We all think it’s about time they went on tour again.”

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