Satirical fiction in newspaper form
Park media’s second annual Month Without Metaphor (MWM) begins today!
The initiative aims to gauge the effectiveness of reporting the news “without embellishments, comparisons, and the painting of pictures for the reading public,” according to its organizers.
You can follow Park media as they tweet through the month at Month Without Metaphor (MWM).
In recognition of the pioneering efforts of Thisbe and the Barkettes in the field of Canine music and Canine music awareness, The Canine Music Association has announced the establishment of the Thisbe and the Barkettes Honorary Award for Excellence in Music and Musical Citizenship.
At a press conference held at his office, R.F. Aarrf, President of the CMA, said the award will recognize those Canines who have achieved success, not only in their own musical careers, but also in the promotion of Canine music and interspecial understanding and acceptance.
“This is where our future lies [in global recognition] and no one has made a more important contribution in this area than Thisbe and the Barkettes,” said Aarrf.
Citing their 19 AZ world tour in support of universal peace and interspecial harmony, Aarrf noted that the Barkettes had forged friendships with musicians who belonged to a wide variety of species.
“I think they have been an inspiration to many musicians,” he said. “I think a lot of young singers [of any species] look at the Barkettes and think that, maybe, it is possible to achieve their dream, and it is largely because of the Barkettes that this is so.”
The prize, which will be awarded annually at a dinner hosted by the CMA, will include a recording contract as well as a cash payment and gold tag.
The Barkettes, on hiatus after the cancellation this year of their farewell tour, issued a statement saying they were “humbled” by the naming of the award.
Business is so good at The Park’s grooming houses that it’s almost overwhelming.
“We are fully booked for post-Toe-Hair Contest trimmings,” says Tallulah of Talulah’s Toilettage. “We’re even over-booked on our waiting list.”
Such is the state of grooming in The Park these days that both Tallulah and Amoltrud Poedel, owner and operator of Amoltrud’s Aesthetics, say they’re on the hunt for bigger premises.
“It’s not a matter of hiring anymore; it’s a matter of where would you put more staff and customers?” says Poedel, who along with Tallulah and the owners of The Mane Event, The Pluming Room, and En Garde Hair and Skin Salon, founded the Park School of Aesthetics in 2014 in order to deal with a shortage of grooming staff in The Park.
Now, a few years later, they have a constant stream of new talent to add to their roster. But with The Park’s population growing steadily and fewer Animals doing their own grooming, many of the Big Five, as they like to call themselves, have outgrown their homes.
“It’s a good problem to have, but it’s a problem nonetheless,” says The Mane Event’s head coiffeur Marlene Bärin.
Bärin credits the growth in the number of Park events for the surge in business, but she also thinks they should be spread out more.
“I don’t envy my friends at The Pluming Room,” she says. “They’ve been booked up for the Mating Dance and the Fowl Ball since February.”
Tano Pagun, The Pluming Room’s co-owner, confirms that fact but, like Bärin, says it’s the right problem to have.
“We won’t get any sleep until June, but we’ll enjoy it all the more,” she laughs.
Renowned artist Ingolf Ewald has donated one of his most famous paintings to the Fowl Ball auction.
“Wisdom Rejects Beauty,” which has hung for years in a gallery outside The Park, will be on the auction block on May 31, and will help to fund the new Avian retirement home.
In a short announcement this morning, Fowl Ball organizer Rafael Ortega expressed his “profound” gratitude to Ewald, calling him “an extraordinarily generous artist” who has shared not only his work but his time and enthusiasm with residents of The Park.
Ewald, who is known as a recluse, first arrived in The Park to open The Park Museum of Contemporary Art’s 2015 exhibition, “Art of the Domestic Feline.” In addition to opening the exhibition, Ewald lent his most famous painting, “Plumpen Rolletariat” to it. He followed that visit with another secret visit in 2016 and earlier this month, he painted live for six days at the PMoCA’s “ARCHONOGRAPHY.”
The artist himself will transport “Wisdom Rejects Beauty” to The Park in mid-May and it will hang in the PMoCA until the end of the month, when it will be moved to the Ball’s headquarters.
Ronald Grouse has declared war. But we’ll only be able to print that until Monday.
Just a few days before the start of Park media’s Month Without Metaphor (MWM), The Avian Messenger’s chief political analyst and newly-elected MWM director held a press conference this morning in which he himself used the war metaphor. And many more.
“It’s time we declared war on some of the tools that media use,” he said. “We need to communicate better and more effectively. We need straight talk: just the facts, no hyperbole. And we need to stop manipulating our readers. Our job is to inform, not to perform,” he said.
Grouse, who has in the past criticized the direction in which Park media appeared to be headed, said he is looking forward to May’s event.
“I look forward to steering Month Without Metaphor toward success,” he said. “The challenges we face as Park citizens are serious ones that require us to be clear-eyed and open-minded. I hope to be able to engage the hearts and minds of readers and listeners and build momentum toward creating a more honest and open media that will help with the problems we face.”
The Park’s annual Toe-Hair Contest may be having a devastating effect on the vulnerable in our population, according to mental health specialist Victoire Caméléon.
The part-time researcher and psychotherapist, who works at one of The Park’s two Extinction Anxiety Clinics, made the assertion this past weekend.
Speaking at a conference on extinction and mental health at the University of West Terrier, Caméléon said evidence suggests that the annual competition negatively affects those who fear for the survival of their species.
“This is not simply an issue of self esteem; it is an issue of survival and Animals’ sense of self-preservation,” she said.
The annual contest, which has come to signal the beginning of Spring, rewards those who are most able to grow long, thick, healthy toe-hairs over the Winter season.
But, Caméléon said, many in our vulnerable populations are not able to do so, through no fault of their own. Still, the emphasis the contest places on this one aspect has made some Animals feel weaker and less able to survive.
“There are a number of factors that are involved in toe-hair growth, as well as in other aspects of physical health,” Caméléon said. “Everything from the environment to emotional stress to having the luxury of time and the resources to cultivate oneself can affect toe-hair growth. We should be cognizant of that when we reward Animals for something that they are not in complete control of.”
Yet, even despite these negative effects, Caméléon is not calling for an end to the contest.
“It began as purely a fun event, almost a farcical celebration of the post-Winter season. I think we should preserve that aspect of the contest and place less emphasis on the winning part,” she said.
A number of Park citizens were caught on camera yesterday afternoon, eating, partying, and rubbing up against celebrities at a can opening outside The Park.
According to the gossip web site headsNtales, which published a series of pictures taken at the outdoor event, a “large group of Park Animals” attended the can opening hosted by Humans.
“The exceptionally well-attended event included a vast sampling of different canned foods, sparkling and still water served in bowls and on-site entertainment, as well as free grooming,” the gossip site said.
headsNtales co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo said her reporters could not verify that the Park Animals had been invited to the event.
“We aren’t able to say whether the Park Animals were responding to an invite or just came upon the event in their travels. It [the event] was well-publicized outside The Park, but no Park media we know of published any information about it,” she said.
The Cynics (Philosopher Dogs) will release a new version of their wildly successful collection Take the A Frame next month, according to an announcement issued yesterday.
A late afternoon press release signed by the group’s founder and lead singer, Luther “Droop” Dachshund, said the group will release a digital version of the collection at the end of May. The announcement said the collection will include a brand new version of the title song as well as the digitally re-mastered original.
The release date is meant to coincide with The Park’s observation of Enforced Domestication Awareness month in June, Dachshund said in the announcement.
“Our group has been supportive of that initiative from its inception and we want to reinforce our relationship with it again this year,” he wrote.
Last year, The Cynics donated the proceeds of their song Diamond in the Ruff to the cause.
“We’ve been fighting enforced domestication for years, but there hasn’t been much movement on the issue until recently…We want to do as much as we can to further awareness of domestication’s harsh reality,” he said at the time.
Since then, The Cynics have performed very little, save for a few concerts at The Pound, the gastropub of which they are part-owners. And, although the press release did not mention any upcoming concert dates, a spokesAnimal for Rotunda Records, the group’s label since its founding, said he thought there might be something in the works.
“They’ve been working very hard in the studio and not just on the re-release,” the spokesAnimal said. “We all think it’s about time they went on tour again.”
If you’re a Park citizen or resident and a member of an endangered species, today is the day to start thinking about registering for the Mating Dance.
The Department of Well-Being and Safety’s reminder, issued this past weekend in a Park-wide media blitz, cautioned participants not to procrastinate. It also warned those intending to use the pre-registration option to expect longer wait times this year, as the popularity of the programme has grown over the past two years.
“When it [the programme] was instituted, we sensed a certain reluctance to participate on the part of those in the endangered community. There was a certain stigma attached to being part of an endangered spacies, but I think this programme, along with the [Endangered Species] Benefits Programme, and the wonderful work being done at the Extinction Anxiety Clinic, has changed that significantly,” DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo told The Mammalian Daily.
Pre-registration for the May 5 event begins today at ten o’clock at the DWBS offices. To take advantage of the full programme, which includes genetic and psychological counselling, all Animals must bring proof of their eligibility in the form of their membership in The Park’s Endangered Species Benefits Programme (ESBP).
Two of The Park’s most popular musical groups—Banded Brothers and Spontaneous Generation—will collaborate with Zeal and the Endeka Elephant Band to turn the beloved story of Tommy Tickbird into a stage musical.
But the collaboration won’t end there. According to Banded Brothers’ manager Kostas Kotsifas, the musicians, as well as those working in set and costume design, will take some direction and a lot of advice from members of The Park’s refugee community.
“This is a beloved Park story and we want to get it right. Our refugee community is a rich resource when it comes to the sights and sounds of Africa, as are, of course, Zeal and the [Endeka] Elephant Band,” Kotsifas said in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio yesterday.
The story of Tommy Tickbird, who roams the African continent atop one Giraffe, two Zebras, and three Warthogs, was first told in the bestselling book, Tommy Tickbird and his Symbiotic Sojourns, by Otis J. Oxpecker. First published in 2011, the now legendary tale owes much of its popularity to the vivid descriptions of the sounds and smells of Africa.
“Those descriptions were the first point of entry into Africa for many Park citizens, especially our autochthonous population,” Kotsifas said. “We want to be true to the tale, but also to the location and we felt this required what we are now calling our ‘grand collaboration.’ ”
Although Kotsifas would not speculate on an opening date, he said there is a definite timeline for the production and the collaborators would be releasing more information soon.
“We intend to keep you informed and excited about this project, through opening night and beyond,” he said.
