The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2014—Finance Office puts 2015 Budget info under embargo until Friday

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embargo

PFO puts budget info under embargo

Park Animals will have to wait until Friday to find out how the Park Finance Office (PFO) intends to spend its funds in the coming year.

In a directive to all media (now in possession of the 2015 budget), Park Finance Officer Milton Struts cautioned against disclosing any information until a scheduled press conference at noon on Friday.

The budget, which is already two weeks late, has been the subject of much speculation since The Mammalian Daily broke the story in July that the Archons planned to tackle the growing inequality among Park Animals by streamlining the 2015 budget.

According to a trusted source close to the PFO, changes in the budget could include eliminating the 3% of funds that were allocated to tourism and tourism promotion, returning arts and sports funding to the levels set in the 2012 budget (more than twice the 2014 levels), and shaving a bit off special events to pay for better weather, healthcare and refugee services.

OTD in 2013—September on our minds: mark your calendars!

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September 2013The Park is a busy place in September, and this year, there’s even more to do and see and hear. So, The Mammalian Daily is giving you a heads-up on what’s on for September 2013.

Ready, set, mark your calendars!

Official end of estivation

End of EstivationIt’s time to welcome back our friends and fellow Park residents!

Let the celebrations begin on September 14!

 

 

The Beats of Burden Music Festival

Beats of Burden logo

The 1st annual Beats of Burden Music Festival promises three days and three nights of continuous music-making, with all our great bands and singers performing in aid of The Park’s refugees. Expect some surprises (as well as surprise appearances) along with the great sounds. And don’t forget the fabulous food and all sorts of other fun. September 14-16.


 

2013 Interspecial Summer Games

2013 Interspecial Summer Games LOGOThey only happen once every six years and the 2013 Interspecial Summer Games promise to be the sporting event of the decade, with more events scheduled than ever before! Watch our Park athletes compete for medals in a wide array of sports on the field, in the sky or in the water. September 22-October 1.

 

The Park’s Semi-Annual “Shakeoff”

The Park's semi-annual "Shake for Charity" have changedIt’s all about Animals helping Animals at The Park’s semi-annual “Shakeoff.” The event encourages Animals to donate their hair in aid of those whose coats can’t protect them from the harsh elements. In addition to helping others, you can also partake of free refreshments and get a new hairstyle from one the event’s on-site groomers (gratis, of course!).

“If you have a coat, share it with those who don’t.”   September 27

OTD in 2015—Noreen in talks with TMD to curate new section of newspaper: gossip site

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headsNtalesAccording to the gossip site headsNtales, Noreen is presently in negotiations with The Mammalian Daily to expand her rôle with the paper beyond that of dispensing advice.

In a post dated yesterday, the site claims that the advice columnist, best-selling author, and adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier has pitched the idea of creating and curating a new section of the newspaper called, “The Righteous Among the Humans.” The new section would shine a light on Humans who have done good works for Animals.

“Let’s face it; it would be a natural fit for Noreen,” says headsNtales co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo.

“Given that she’s spent her whole life studying Humans, both informally and formally… and add to that her newspaper and academic credentials…who better to do this sort of work than Noreen? I think it’s a brilliant idea and only Noreen could have thought it up!” she says.

Although no formal announcement has been made by the newspaper, Mammalian Daily managing editor Orphea Haas has been known as a champion of Noreen ever since she brought her to the paper over fifteen years ago.

“Haas encouraged Noreen from the get-go and she’s blossomed into a very powerful force in The Park. I can’t imagine her denying Noreen’s request. This new rôle will be good for her [Noreen] and for all of us,” Guacamayo says.

OTD in 2013—Stolen autochthonous art recovered by Park Police

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BIRD PAINTING

An important painting by one of The Park’s most revered autochthonous artists has been recovered by Park Police. The painting was stolen while it was one display during last Saturday’s Part ART Walk

An important painting by one of The Park’s most revered autochthonous artists has been recovered by Park Police, it was confirmed today.

The painting, entitled, L’oiseau à l’affût, was stolen while on display outside LeTwiggery during last Saturday’s Park ART Walk (PAW).

“One minute it was there; the next, it was gone,” one  regular PAWgoer told The Mammalian Daily.

“I turned around to tell my companions to take a look at it and when I turned back, there was only an empty easel standing there,” she said.

The painting by renowned autochthonous artist and Park citizen Hervé Huard was on loan to LeTwiggery as part of The Park’s annual Park ART Walk. A number of retail establishments as well as art galleries participate in the popular event by offering space free of charge so that artists can display their work. This year’s PAW was dedicated to the work of The Park’s autochthonous artists.

Huard has thus far refused to comment on either the theft or recovery, but Park Police believe the theft may be part of a larger problem in The Park. Sources close to the Society of Autochthonous Artists (SAA) say the group has received threats recently and several autochthonous works have been vandalized over the past few months. A spokesAnimal for Park Police said they are “currently involved in a thorough investigation of the matter” but cannot comment on the specifics of the case at this time.

OTD in 2016—Don’t forget: Park ART Walk’s “Patterns in Life and Art” is on today

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Park ART WalkThe organizers request the honour of your presence at the following event:

Park ART Walk
Saturday, August 20, 2016
10:00 am – 7:00 pm

Entitled, “Patterns in Life and Art,” the 2016 Park ART Walk will celebrate the artistic accomplishments of The Park’s striped and spotted population. The organizers of PAW 2016 wish to thank its partner and collaborator, Holstein Fashion, for its support.

The Park ART Walk is a one-day, juried art exhibition that showcases the artistic expression of Park residents. Showings will take place at participating art galleries, shops, theatres and cinemas. This year’s jury will include curators from The Ewe and Moo Gallery, the Park Museum of Contemporary Art and the Tortoiseshell Gallery.

————————————————————————————-

The Park ART Walk wishes to thank its sponsors:

         

    LeTwiggery     Amoltrud’s Aesthetics  Glass shape made of nuts with strawThe Nut Bar

       Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations

FF
 Founding Families Financial Corporation
Lemming Lemur Lion and Lynx Credit Bank

  The Tabby Club
You’ve Earned Your Stripes™                                 

Holstein Fashion
Holstein Fashion
EQUALSS
PurrBoy Logo (2)The PurrBoy Café          
     Cackling Goose Tavern    Best GoUnderground 2015 Logo

OTD in 2016—Budget 2017: A year when words might speak louder than numbers

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Since presenting her 2017 Budget yesterday morning, Park Finance Office head Valentina Abeja has embarked on a media tour that will see her visit most of The Park’s radio and television stations in the coming weeks.

This will be the first time that a Budget Chief has taken to the airwaves to discuss the financial decisions she’s made on our behalf. Yet, this year, it may be entirely appropriate, since the words in the budget say far more about Abeja’s intent than the numbers do.

One example of that is an expense category that has seen not only a three percent increase over last year, but a name change, as well. “Refugee Support” is now listed as “Refugee Aid,” and that’s a change that, not surprisingly, The Park’s refugee aid groups are welcoming.

“We were thrilled to see the change in the name. It signals a real shift in the way the PFO is thinking about helping these Animals, going from indirect support to direct aid,” said Inez Gallina, president of Home to Roost, one of many groups that assist refugees and new immigrants.

The Mammalian Daily’s full analysis of the budget will be published next week.

2017 Park Budget

OTD in 2012—UWT, Park Hospital to open first Extinction Anxiety Clinic

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In a statement released yesterday, the University of West Terrier School of Medicine announced that it will collaborate with The Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm to establish The Park’s first Extinction Anxiety Clinic.

The clinic, which will be housed within the University of West Terrier, is the first of its kind in The Park. The Clinic’s mission is to diagnose and treat the symptoms of extinction anxiety in all species of Animals and to educate the public with regard to the effects of extinction anxiety on the health and well-being of Animals.

“Extinction anxiety is one of the fastest-growing psychological conditions in The Park. Every day, we see at least a hundred new cases,” says Dr. Berthilidis Strix, who was appointed as the clinic’s head last month. “It is essential that we address the problem now, before it becomes a threat to our collective health and prosperity,” she says.

The clinic will also be staffed by Drs. Gudrun L. Gibbon and Elinore E. Owl and other faculty members of the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, as well as doctors, nurses, and community support workers from The Park Hospital.

In addition to diagnosing and treating Animals, clinic staff hope to conduct research on the effects of extinction anxiety on The Park’s economy, as well as on Animal behaviour.

The Extinction Anxiety Clinic is scheduled to open in January 2013.

OTD in 2016—”I smell a Rat,” Stinktier cries, as Rotte jailed after Stereotype Sunday stunt

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GunnarGunnar Rotte was hauled off to jail yesterday afternoon, after what he calls a “social experiment gone awry.”

According to a spokesAnimal for Park Police, The Rodent Commoner journalist was arrested for disturbing the peace and jailed for inciting violence at The Park’s weekly Stereotype Sunday.

The charges stem from Rotte’s actions yesterday, when he arrived at the weekly event disguised as a Skunk, claiming he was visiting family. Rotte contends he was trying to prove that Skunks receive more hospitality in The Park than Rats.

What he failed to anticipate, however, was that his “experiment” would offend Park Skunks.

It didn’t take long for him to find out, though. After about half an hour of walking around the Ancient Open-Air Theatre, tasting snacks and questioning other attendees, Faramund Stinktier, of the SCENTient Beings, outed him, declaring for all to hear, “I smell a Rat!”

The singer and composer, who was born a Skunk but now identifies as a Zebra, spoke to The Mammalian Daily by telephone this morning. He says he was incensed by the idea that a Rat would pose as a Skunk for the purpose of claiming that Skunks’ lives are easier than those of Rats.

“I may not feel in my heart as though I’m a Skunk, but I have experienced my entire life as a Skunk and I know it isn’t easy. We are are shunned by many, including Humans, and we suffer the same trauma as any other Animal in that position. I take offence to what Gunnar Rotte did and I believe he should apologize to the entire Skunk population of The Park,” he said.

Rotte will appear before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon this afternoon. He will be represented by Pernilla Varghund, junior partner in The Park’s oldest law firm, Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd.

OTD in 2015—Don’t forget: Park ART Walk’s “Art Against All Odds” is on tomorrow

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PAW logoThe organizers request the honour of your presence at the following event:

Park ART Walk
Saturday, August 15, 2015
10:00 am – 7:00 pm

Entitled, “Art Against All Odds,” the 2015 Park ART Walk will focus on the art of The Park’s endangered species. The organizers of PAW 2015 wish to thank its partner and collaborator, the Extinction Anxiety Clinic, for its support.

The Park ART Walk is a one-day, juried art exhibition that showcases the artistic expression of Park residents. Showings will take place at participating art galleries, shops, theatres and cinemas. This year’s jury will include curators from the Park Museum of Contemporary Art and the Tortoiseshell Gallery.

————————————————————————————-

The Park ART Walk wishes to thank its sponsors:

         
  The Nut Bar       LeTwiggery     Amoltrud’s Aesthetics

       Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations

 

FF
 Founding Families Financial Corporation
ASCCBAll Species Credit and Commercial Bank
  The Tabby Club
You’ve Earned Your Stripes™

OTD in 2016—Weekend shocker: Gossip site says Rapper’s father is also his brother

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Rapper Will.o.be.

Rapper Will.o.be.

The gossip site headsNtales says it has evidence that Rapper Will.o.be.’s father is also his brother.

In a post dated today, the site’s owners claim to be in possession of documents that prove it to be “an irrefutable fact” that the popular Park musician is the product of his mother’s liaison with her son, Philippe Sauvage.

Sauvage, who is the lead singer in the Feline band, The Feral Four, cut off contact with his brother three years ago, after the rapper was convicted of defacing a Tree at the Beats of Burden Music Festival.

The gossip site claims that Will.o.be, whose original name was Sebastian, was one of six kittens born to his mother, Kiki, and Philippe Sauvage. The kittens were not all born at the same time, the site says, but all share the same two parents.

Will.o.be. is currently on tour, but his legal representative, Sebastian Shepherd, a partner in the prestigious Park law firm of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd, released a statement on his behalf this morning, calling the claim “a ridiculous fabrication aimed at hurting Will.o.be. and his career.”

“Will.o.be. knows who his father is and it definitely is not his brother, Philippe Sauvage,” the statement said.

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