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OTD in 2015—Police confirm early morning break-in at Holstein Fashion’s main factory

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Holstein Fashion

Police confirmed an early morning break-in at the main factory of Holstein Fashion

BREAKING NEWS

Park Police have confirmed that an early morning break-in occurred at the main factory of Holstein Fashion on Monday.

At a press conference held this morning, Inspector Maurice Addax of the Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) and Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) confirmed the break-in, saying only that it occurred in the early morning hours of Monday, June 1.

They refused to offer any other details, including whether anything was stolen or destroyed.

“We can’t divulge that information right now,” Inspector Addax told a reporter from The Mammalian Daily. “It would get in the way of the investigation.”

Addax would only say that there were “no injuries to any Animals” as a result of the break-in. For her part, Inspector Fossa said that her unit was called in subsequent to the SHCU’s investigation.

“They were called to the scene after Park Police were alerted to the occurrence of suspicious noises at the factory by a passerby,” Fossa said. “Approximately one hour and forty minutes later, my unit received a call to attend at the scene.”

Also present at the press conference was Cornelius Kakapo, the Director of Public Relations for the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS). While Inspectors Addax and Fossa refused to speculate on the motives of the perpetrator or perpetrators of the crime, Kakapo was quick to assure Park Animals that they are safe and he recommended “going about our business as usual.”

“This is a nuisance crime,” he said. “It is not a crime that implies either a generalized or specific threat.”

OTD in 2014—Data Retrievers: Meet Park Police’s new partners in Tree hacking investigation

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Data Retrievers

Tree hacking investigation update: Park Police have partnered with a private firm of Data Retrievers

BREAKING NEWS UPDATE

Park Police announced today that they have partnered with a private firm of data Retrievers to aid them in their investigation into April’s Data Tree hacking.

At a press conference held this morning, Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) confirmed that Park Police have engaged the services of AROO, a private data retrieval company, in the hopes of locating some of the data lost when the Tree was hacked.

“These are skilled data Retrievers,” Fossa said. “It is our hope that they will be able to sniff out some of the Tree’s lost data.”

Fossa stressed that this is an independent investigation and not connected to the one in which Police are already engaged.

“Whether or not we are ever able to ascertain the perpetrator of the crime and whether or not we are then able to bring that perpetrator to justice, we need to try to find the lost data. AROO has a solid history in data retrieval and we are confident that our partnership with them will bring results,” she said.

Some observers, though skeptical of the plan, point to The Park’s limitations when it comes to prosecuting Humans and others who live outside The Park. According to the Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS), Humans may, indeed, be responsible for the Tree hacking.

“As I have said in the past, it does not lie within our jurisdiction to prosecute Humans who reside outside The Park,” explained Fionnula L. Fox, professor of law at the University of West Terrier and a specialist in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park).

“For this reason, I applaud Park Police for making an effort to rectify the damage done in concert with attempting to find the perpetrator,” she said.

Sierpinski Squirrel said he was “cautiously optimistic” when informed of the plan. The Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners stands to gain the most from this new partnership, as his company stored the major part of its data in the Oak Tree that was hacked.

OTD in 2016—Enforced Domestication Awareness Month 2016: Official Schedule of Events

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June 2016 calendar with black cat silhouette

The Archons, in conjunction with the Department of Well-Being and Safety and the Department of Holidays, Festivals and Celebrations have released the official schedule for 2016’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM).

To access the Official Schedule, click here: EDAM OFFICIAL SCHEDULE 2016.

The schedule was released early this morning, accompanied by a press release in which all three groups emphasized the importance of the month. thanked all organizers and participants for their “tireless efforts on behalf of The Park’s citizenry”and wished all Park residents “joy, peace, and awareness.”

“The importance of this month cannot be understated. The knowledge that is imparted during EDAM can and will save thousands of lives and will allow those who have escaped enforced domestication to understand themselves and the world better and to lead peaceful and fulfilling lives,” the statement said.

OTD in 2013—Park proclaims June to be “Enforced Domestication Awareness Month”

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The 2013 Archons have proclaimed this June as the first Enforced Domestication Awareness month.

Displaying what some have called a “take charge attitude,” the 2013 Archons have proclaimed June the first annual “Enforced Domestication Awareness” month in The Park.

At a press conference held this morning outside the law courts, Chief Archon Dewi Rhinoceros made the announcement.

Flanked by all 34 Archons, the Rhinoceros spoke on behalf of her colleagues:

“In declaring this coming month of June the first annual Enforced Domestication Awareness Month, we are finally acknowledging the dangers of enforced domestication and committing to a strategy to overcome those dangers. This proclamation, dated 30 May 2013, signals our willingness to meet head-on one of the greatest challenges The Park has ever faced. Due to the economic downturn, we have lost many of our best and brightest to the outside world. The Park cannot afford such a brain drain. We must work toward solving our economic problems so that there exists no need to look beyond our borders for survival. And, with this awareness campaign, we hope to inform and educate Park citizens and residents about the reality of enforced domestication, so that they will be able to resist the temptation to engage with those who might tempt them to sacrifice their freedom,” she said.

While experts in the field stop short of calling the problem “Animalnapping,” the official definition of enforced domestication was broadened last year to include “enticement.” This expands the original definition of “the physical removal of Animals from The Park, without their consent, for the purpose of using them for service or companionship in a domestic situation.” According to The Park’s Departments of Statistics and Records and Well-Being and Safety, ninety-nine per cent of enforced domestications are committed by Humans.

Planned events in support of Enforced Domestication Awareness Month include workshops, a series of public service announcements that will be broadcast on all Park television and radio stations and screenings of short films about the topic. As well, the Chief Archon advised that during the month of June an information booth staffed by workers from  Runaway Rovers will be installed beside the Ancient Oak Tree. The group, which provides assistance to formerly domestic Canines, has published a series of educational brochures entitled, “Enforced Domestication: It Could Happen to You.”  These will be distributed free of charge throughout June.

OTD in 2015—Does of Peace to attend at grooming houses; no ruling on matter yet: Dindon

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The Does of Peace will be at grooming houses until 6:30 p.m. tonight

BREAKING NEWS

Calling the issue “too important and too complex for a hasty weekend ruling,” Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon has stayed the proceedings involving the request for an injunction against police presence at The Park’s grooming houses today and, instead, has asked the Does of Peace take their place.

The Justice of The Park’s Superior Court made a brief statement late last night in which he explained that the matter under consideration was worthy of a great deal more “sober” thought than he could give it this weekend.

“I could not deliver a fair and balanced ruling in the little time afforded me before the Fowl Ball,” he said, as he read from a short, prepared speech.

“For this reason, I have called on the Does of Peace for assistance in the matter. Given the involvement of the Doves of Peace in Sunday’s Ball, I thought it better to make the request of the Does,” he said.

Speaking on behalf of The Park’s grooming houses, Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), applauded the decision.

“I think the Justice has done brilliantly and, on behalf of The Park’s grooming houses, I applaud his decision. Let the Fowl Ball begin!” he said.

The Does of Peace agreed to the Justice’s request and will be outside The Park’s grooming houses from 8:00 a.m. until 6:30 this evening.

OTD in 2014—Fowl Ball fever takes hold of Park

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Fowl Ball

The Park has Fowl Ball fever!

No, we are not using the word “fever” metaphorically (at least not in May).

Our medical experts at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm tell us that a rapid heart beat can, indeed, raise the body’s temperature. And a rapid heart beat is what many are experiencing these days, in anticipation of the Fowl Ball, which has been billed as “the event of the year, every year from now on.”

And, though the phrase “take hold” may be considered metaphorical, we thought it was worth committing this transgression against May’s Month Without Metaphor in order to keep you informed of the progress of preparations for the newest event in support of The Park’s Avian community.

“Everything is going smoothly, so far, and the weather looks perfect for the Ball,” says Rafael Ortega, one of the event’s organizers. Ortega, who has become the de facto spokesBird for the gala, confirms that tickets sold out “within hours” of going on sale.

“Just with those funds alone, we are well ahead of our goal,” he says. But there is much more to the Ball than fundraising, Ortega emphasizes.

“We’re here to have a good time. There’s music, food, fun, we have seven auctions planned, hours and hours of dancing and playing. Our lineup of bands reads like a ‘Who’s Who’ of Park musicians; Park chefs have risen to the challenge, and I have every confidence that the Fowl Ball will be as we planned — the best of the best,” he says.

And, what advice would Ortega give to attendees at this point?

“Confirm your grooming appointment, sleep well the night before, plan to be up the whole night of the Ball and don’t book anything for the next day.”

Sage advice, we believe.

The Park’s first Fowl Ball will take place on Saturday, May 31.

OTD in 2017—Park’s refugee groups take issue with new EDAM poster

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poster-for-edamGroups that represent The Park’s immigrant and refugee communities are pressing for a meeting with the Archons and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) to discuss the ramifications of what they’re calling the “not-so-hidden” messages in the new poster commissioned for June’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM).

In a statement this morning, the leaders of eleven of The Park’s aid groups criticized the decision to portray the domesticated and formerly domesticated as “dupes,” or as lazy Animals seeking an easier life.

“The Animals we help, many of whom bear the scars of their struggles to escape from domestic situations, are being made to suffer twice over by being portrayed as stupid, lazy, or materialistic,” the statement says.

While the groups say they agree that it’s essential to warn Park residents about the dangers of living with Humans, they feel the month-long awareness campaign need not insult those who have done so or who still do.

“Many of the Animals we assist were taken by Humans during the first few weeks of their lives and they had no control over that. And many others have chosen, out of sheer desperation, to live with Humans in domestic situations. We all do what we must to survive. There is no need to characterize these survivors as foolish,” the statement says.

The group leaders say they will continue to protest against the campaign literature until they meet with the Archons and the DWBS.

OTD in 2015—Delay over, Tab Tricolore’s “La Langue au Repos” to open at PMoCA June 6

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The Tongue At Rest

“La Langue au Repos/The Tongue at Rest” opens June 6 at PMoCA

The long-awaited and much-delayed 2015 art installation overseen by renowned Chef Tab Tricolore is set to open at the Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) on Saturday, June 6.

The installation, which is entitled, “La Langue au Repos/The Tongue at Rest,” is a collaborative effort among Tricolore and five other Park artists who were chosen by Tricolore himself.

“Not all the artists I chose work in media that are, strictly speaking, the visual arts,” Tricolore said at a press conference yesterday.

“It was a stretch for many of us to translate what we do best into this medium. But I think we have succeeded admirably. My compatriots are great artists in their own right and I am honoured to have had the opportunity to work with them. I will be eternally grateful to them, for reasons only they and I will ever fully understand,” he said.

The other “artists” chosen by Tricolore are renowned autochthonous artist Hervé Huard, Nesthetics designer Romulus Bowerbird, choreographer Gustav Hermelin, Slow Artist Fionn-Fionnoula T. Snail, Clementina Araña, and Reekabilly singer and composer Faramund Stinktier.

While Tricolore served as creative director of the project, he was quick to emphasize its collaborative nature.

“We all have the greatest respect, not only for each other and for each other’s work, but for the medium in which each of us expresses ourselves most often,” he said. “There was no competition among us. The competition was to produce the best art installation the PMoCA could ever host.”

This installation will be the first to open at the museum since its announcement last April that it intends to host an annual art installation. The PMoCA’s curator, Aamuun Maroodiga, was not involved with the installation, the museum says, since it was initiated last Autumn and her tenure began in March. It was the museum’s former curator, Dorika Pumi, who signed off on the project.

See also: Tab Tricolore: Working on this art installation has saved me

OTD in 2014—Sheep fiddle as Barkettes sing: Anixi Agrarian Jubilee “glorious celebration”

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Sheep fiddling

The Sheep fiddled and the sun shone brightly in the clear blue sky, as Thisbe and the Barkettes ascended the stage at the 2014 Anixi Agrarian Jubilee.

“It was a glorious celebration and they made it all the more special,” said Miriam Wapiti, the celebration’s chief organizer, at a post-event party on Tuesday.

That sentiment was unanimous, as Animal after Animal remarked on the quality of Thisbe’s voice and on the special bond that was evident among the Barkettes.

Although the group declined formal interviews after their performance, saying that they wanted to enjoy the event “just like every other Animal,” it was clear they were pleased with both their performance and its reception in the place they say they will always call home.

“Music has always been our lives,” Thisbe said in a radio interview last week. “And The Park will always be our home. We are so thrilled to have the opportunity to be reunited at the Jubilee. I can’t think of a more appropriate place to relaunch our career than at our annual celebration of renewal.”

With that, she removed all doubt that we would soon be lining up for tickets to a Barkettes concert. But the group still has not announced any firm dates. “Stay tuned,” is all their manager will say.

In the meantime, the Barkettes were not the only musical sensations to perform on Tuesday. The Park marked the beginning of the growing season in style, with performances by The Beasts of Burden, Inktvis and Krake, The Feral Four, The Endeka Elephant Band, Eggie and The Pigs, Banded Brothers, The DomEstyx, NIML, The Canary Cousins, and Spontaneous Generation.

OTD in 2015—Park’s journalism failing us all: Dean

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Don't read that!

“Don’t read that!” says Dean Gertrude C. Owl of UWT’s Cuthbert School of Journalism

“There’s no other way to put it: our  journalism is failing us all in The Park.”

So said Gertrude C. Owl during her guest appearance on Alvin Tinamou’s Month Without Metaphor radio show on Wednesday afternoon.

The Dean of the Cuthbert School of Journalism at the University of West Terrier went on to launch a scathing attack on Park media. No medium, genre, or publication escaped her criticism, including The Mammalian Daily.

“What are they doing quoting gossip [web] sites, such as headsNTales? What happened to good old investigative journalism? Is it true or is it not true? Are you ready to call it or wait for more confirmation? How does quoting a source at headsNTales substitute for that?” she asked.

Tinamou sounded momentarily stunned, then bounced back to agree with Owl.

“I think we may be pandering to the crowd a bit too much these days. Or, as I say, using overblown language to tell what is an important story,” he said

Owl went further, insinuating that Park media was become “Humanized.”

“I know that reputable publications, such as The Mammalian Daily, cover important Park issues and that they don’t refer to the species of the Animals involved in their stories unless it is of some relevance. But I see a creeping Humanization, not in the selection of stories so much, but in the style of reporting,” she said.

“We have to remember, Humans are very different Animals; we must not emulate them. While Humans seem unable to see the big picture, Park Animals are much more aware of the consequences of actions. We must not always be bringing the story down to one element or one participant. Journalism has a raw power than is diminished by such a tactic.”

Owl, who was a popular guest, will join Tinamou again at the end of the month to discuss what she calls “writing clean.”

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