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OTD in 2015—”Plumpen Rolletariat” artist to open PMoCA’s new exhibition in August

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Ingolf EwaldArtist Ingolf Ewald, known for his painting, “Plumpen Rolletariat,” has been selected to open the Park Museum of Contemporary Art’s newest exhibition in August.

The PMoCA’s head curator Aamuun Maroodiga made the announcement in a press release this morning:

“On behalf of the Park Museum of Contemporary Art, I am pleased to announce that artist Ingolf Ewald has graciously accepted our invitation to open our upcoming exhibition, ‘Art of the Domestic Feline,’ at a gala to be held at the museum on August 8,” the press release reads.

Ewald, who has courted controversy for over a decade with this particular painting, posted on his own web site that he was honoured by the request.

“When Aamuun Maroodiga asked me to lend my painting to the museum for the purpose of an exhibition, I said yes immediately,” he wrote.

“I have always been a supporter of the domestic art movement, since my origins lie in that territory. But this exhibition is special to me, because the curator is a close acquaintance and because I know that my work will be among other great works of domestic art.”

Although Ewald has sold many of his paintings, he maintains ownership of “Plumpen Rolletariat” and has never lent it to an exhibition before.

According to the museum’s web site, the opening gala will include an auction of a more recent work by Ewald, the proceeds from which will be donated to the CatsCare charity.

OTD in 2015—AnonyMoose claims responsibility for latest Tree hacking in Park

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AnonyMooseAnonyMoose has claimed responsibility for the latest hacking of a Park Tree.

In an email sent to all Park newspapers, the notorious enemy of zoocracy says it was he who hacked the Maple Tree outside The Battering Ram Café last Wednesday.

“I did it to gain your attention, to rouse you from your stupor,” he said in the email, which is addressed to “Fellow Park citizens and members of the media.”

In the email, AnonyMoose outlines the reasons for his disaffection with Park government and chides his fellow citizens for their complacency.

“Year after year, the Archons’ inability to govern this Park appears to go unnoticed. Every January, we celebrate the swearing-in of some of the most incompetent Animals in our midst and happily entrust them with our welfare. Over the past three years, the Finance Office has demonstrated its inability to present an appropriate budget. Sortition and zoocracy do not work, my fellow citizens. If you have any interest in saving this ailing Park, I implore you: show your claws and teeth, overtake the Archons before it is too late and return the running of our lives to those who do it best: the citizens.”

Nowhere in the email, which runs for three pages, does AnonyMoose show any remorse for what he did to the Tree or to Jerzy Szop, whose home was destroyed when the Tree was hacked. The Maple Tree itself is currently receiving treatment from a Tree doctor, but it is too early to tell whether it will survive.

Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) issued a communiqué following the receipt of the email. In it, he said that his team is “on the trail” of AnonyMoose.

“We hope to be able to deliver him for an appearance before the courts very soon,” the communiqué said.

OTD in 2015—Winners of tickets to Barkettes’ free concert to be announced Tuesday

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Barkettes #4 ticketThe winners of the lottery for tickets to the Barkettes’ free concert at the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond will be announced tomorrow.

In a joint statement released this morning, the promoter, Iglu Entertainment, and the group’s manager, Hilde Blaft, confirmed that the winners will be selected in a live presentation that will be held outside the law courts and broadcast on a number of Park television stations.

The statement also confirmed that Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon will preside over the selection process but will not personally handle any of the ticket requests.

The presentation will begin at 11:00 in the morning. According to the concert’s organizers, there are 20,000 tickets up for grabs, including direct skyview tickets. There are also at least 2,000 underwater spaces available.

The free concert will honour the memory of the Tartan Crab, the victim of The Park’s most famous unsolved murder. The Crab, who was Nestor’s pet, was brutally murdered eight years ago and Police still have no idea of the identity of the crime’s perpetrator.

The July 26 concert, which begins at 8:00 p.m., is the only free event announced thus far in Thisbe and the Barkettes’ Bring Your Own Bone Tour. The Park leg of the tour will wrap up at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre in August.

OTD in 2008—Editorial: When beggars become choosers, we all become losers

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The line at the top of the CatsCare letterhead tugs at the heartstrings: “When the heart is full, the stomach rarely grumbles.”

How ironic that exhortation to all of us to feel for the less fortunate seems now, in light of the recent undoing of that charity’s board and the unseating of Bentley, its founder and president.

While it is too early in the investigation to render the final judgment, it is much too late for the rest of us to pretend that we had no inkling that something was rotten in the state of one of The Park’s oldest charities.

To be sure, there were signs. First among them was the 22 AZ decision made by the CatsCare board to accept only cash donations.

When a charity that feeds, houses, and provides medical care for needy Cats refuses to take donations in kind, what are we to make of it? And what, we must ask, is the effect of such a policy, not only on the recipients of their charitable aid, but on the donating population, as well?

In the case of CatsCare, the policy’s intentions have become all too clear in recent months. Yet, the effects of this folly have been far more profound than anyone ever intended: for, while Bentley and his board were busy fattening up their bank accounts with Ftoo siphoned off from donated funds, they were, at the same time, violating the trust of those who rely on them, abusing the trust of their donors, and shattering the confidence of all Park Animals in the idea of assisting each other by means of institutions set up for that purpose.

The breach is wide. The healing will take much time. But profound changes must occur.

No matter what the courts find, it is clear that CatsCare violated the code of ethics. Yet, where, in law, can we find this code of ethics? Alas, we cannot, for we have not committed it to law. This we must do, now. We must inscribe in law what we believe to be the proper behaviour for our charities. We must also imbed in any definition of “charity” this simple but essential idea: that we must take from our donors and give to the needy whatever it is that they need in such form as they require it. Only then can we restore the confidence of the donating public.

OTD in 2015—Second Tree found hacked in Park

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second tree hacked

Jerzy Szop stands inside what remains of his longtime residence

BREAKING NEWS

A second Park Tree has been hacked in the night.

In a statement issued at nine o’clock this morning, Park Police confirmed that a Maple Tree outside The Battering Ram Café was found to have suffered “significant damage.”

“At five-thirty this morning, Park Police were called to the scene after several patrons exiting the [Battering Ram] Café noticed the destruction,” the statement said.

Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) said that his team is investigating what he called the “utter devastation” of a Park landmark.

“We have called in a Tree doctor, but we fear it may not survive until tomorrow,” Addax said in a telephone interview.

The Maple Tree, which is believed to be one of The Park’s oldest Trees, has been home to Jerzy Szop for the past three years. Szop says he is “shaken to the core” at the loss of his home.

“I feel violated,” he said, as he stood inside what remains of his residence. Holding a parasol for protection against the midday sun, Szop said he felt “completely disoriented” after arriving home from a late-night food gathering expedition to discover that he no longer had a home.

Szop says he doesn’t know if he’ll continue to live in The Park, even though he’s had multiple offers of shelter.

“I’ve completely lost trust in Park life,” he moaned, as his friends and family gathered around to support him.

OTD in 2016—Park ART Walk to honour bass player Zuberi Tembo with new logo

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Park ART Walk logoThe 2016 Park ART Walk will honour the Endeka Elephant Band’s fallen bass player Zuberi Tembo with the introduction of a new logo.

In a statement released this morning, the organizers of the annual event confirmed that they engaged the services of Hanad Maroodiga to redesign the logo “to reflect both Zuberi’s importance in The Park and the depth of our loss.”

Tembo was killed July 11 in his native Africa while he was on a trip home to visit family.

Maroodiga, who was born in The Park, is a graduate of the Hani Gajah School of Art. In a separate statement, he called it “an honour and a privilege to celebrate the life of such an important Animal.”

“Zuberi Tembo was an inspiration to all of us here. His courage in defecting from a circus to make his home in a foreign land and his undying love of music and of The Park made him a rôle model to so many. He will never be forgotten.”

The Park ART Walk organizers said the logo will become a permanent feature of the event.

OTD in 2011—Hayberry superfan succumbs to illness

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Tribute to Xanthippe Porcupine

This tribute to Xanthippe Porcupine appeared outside the Burrow Theatre

Xanthippe Porcupine, who proclaimed herself to be actress Millicent Hayberry’s “greatest fan,” died last night at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. She was six years old.

The death was confirmed in a statement released by Porcupine’s daughter Carys, this morning.

“It is with great sadness that the family of Xanthippe Porcupine announces her death last night, after a long illness. Xanthippe was a great daughter, sister, friend, mate, mother, and grandmother. But, above all, she liked to think of herself as Millicent Hayberry’s greatest fan. Her family will always be grateful to the actress, who always expressed kindness and appreciation when she met Xanthippe,” the statement read.

Porcupine attended a record number of Hayberry performances before she became ill, but she was probably best known for keeping a two-month vigil outside the Park Hospital while Hayberry recovered from an attack by another fan on the set of the film production of “Mixed Nuts” in 2011.

A memorial service is planned for Porcupine on Saturday. Millicent Hayberry could not be reached for comment.

OTD in 2011—This year’s first case of Small Ball Fever diagnosed at Park Hospital

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Small Ball FeverThe Park has seen its first case of Small Ball Fever this year.

In a statement issued this morning, a spokesAnimal for The Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm said the hospital “is confirming the first case of Small Ball Fever (SBF) in 2015.”

According to Hermione Hippo, the hospital’s head nurse and Assistant Professor at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, the hospital expects to see a resurgence of the disease this year.

Hippo, who will be delivering a lecture on Small Ball Fever at the university next week, said in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio (TMD Radio) that The Park was “spared” for a while due to June’s heavy rainfall.

“For a while, it looked as though we might escape any incidence of SBF this year. Last year, we experienced the lowest incidence of any year since 2005, when we started gathering statistics. But the surge in temperatures has brought out an almost record number of small balls,” she said.

Hippo also confirmed that the hospital has hired a ball watcher as well as a ball catcher for the Summer months.

“With the sudden rise in temperatures, we were seeing small balls entering The Park from every direction and we needed a lot of help keeping up with them. We are storing them in a safe, temperature-controlled room at the hospital and we intend to return them at some point later in the Autumn,” she said.

Small Ball Fever occurs because small balls, which are better known outside The Park as “golf” balls, harbour the deadly Small Ball Fever virus inside their dimpled surface. The SBF virus is spread when it leaks through cracks in the ball’s surface and makes contact with mucosa in the mouth or nose. Symptoms include extremely high fever, chills, aching muscles, and, eventually, pulmonary dysfunction. All Animals are at risk of developing Small Ball Fever but some groups of Animals, including Squirrels, Donkeys, the elderly, and the infirm, are at particular risk.

The Department of Well-Being and Safety has issued a Small Ball Fever warning, as well, advising Animals who think they may be experiencing any of the above symptoms to report immediately to the hospital. It has also directed all Animals to its online pamphlet, “What you should know about Small Ball Fever.”

OTD in 2016—And then there were ten: Endeka Elephant Band member murdered on trip home to visit family

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AND THEN THERE WERE TEN

The Endeka Elephant Band is in mourning today.

According to a spokesAnimal, the band’s bassist,  Zuberi Tembo, was killed yesterday afternoon, while on a trip home to his native Africa to visit his family.

The spokesAnimal said Tembo’s colleagues are “too devastated” to comment on the tragedy at this time, but they intend to release a statement and details of funeral arrangements in the coming days. The only word from the band thus far has been a formal statement of gratitude to the Archons, who have allowed the musicians to mourn together at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre.

The Endeka Elephant Band was formed thirty-seven years ago, three years before zoocracy was established in The Park. Seven of the band’s members were born in Africa and four were born in Asia. Three members escaped from zoological parks run by Humans and four members, including Tembo, sought refuge in The Park while on tour with circuses.

Zuberi Tembo leaves his current mate, Batini, daughters Goma and Dashiki and sons Jabari, Enzi, and Rashid. Tembo was forty-two years old.

OTD in 2013—Park Animals enraged by “third prong” of tourism strategy

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Park Tourism

Enraged Park Animals are planning to protest formally against the latest move by the 2013 Archons to promote tourism in The Park.

The third prong of the so-called “three-prong tourism strategy” that was laid out by the 2012 Archons calls for a change in Animals’ behaviour “to make tourists feel as if they are a welcome and valuable addition to our lives.”

In order to effect this behavioural change, the newly-established Park Office of Tourism (POT) has published a brochure outlining the new strategy and calling for Animals to act as “a more polite and welcoming guide to The Park.”

The brochure, which was distributed last week to all retail shops, grooming houses, and restaurants will be made available to Park Animals at their homes, as well. In it, the POT explains the new strategy in detail and offers a reference table of phrases that “work well with non-resident Animals, including Humans.” The brochure also includes a section of illustrated Animal facial expressions and assigns them scores according to how close they come to being “the most favourable visage for a tourist to encounter.”

Not surprisingly, the new strategy and the brochure have ignited a firestorm. They’ve also prompted some Park residents to form an anti-tourism group that is calling itself “NoPARKing.”  The group’s president, Emmanuelle Musaraigne, has pledged that her group will not let the Archons get away with what she calls “the most ridiculous scheme ever.”

“This whole idea is outrageous, costly and damaging to our way of life,” she said in an interview this morning. “We have to put a stop to it now, before it takes over our lives.”

The original tourism plan, which was revealed to the public last June, was conceived by 2012 Chief Archon George Newt as a way of opening up a new revenue stream for The Park. The plan was met with skepticism initially and has continued to anger Park residents, even though many hoped it would benefit The Park both financially and culturally.

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