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On This Day—November 28, 2014: Struts convinced Archons to encourage Human tourism in Park: rumour

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headsNtalesFormer Finance Officer and budget architect Milton Struts was the force behind the 2012 Archons’ decision to encourage Human tourism in The Park, the gossip site headsNtales is reporting.

In an article posted this morning, The Park’s “most-watched” gossip site quotes an anonymous source as saying that the creator of the controversial 2015 budget “pulled some strings with the Archons” to get them to consider the financial benefits of Human tourism in The Park.

The source, whose name and species is known to headsNtales but who wishes to remain anonymous to the site’s readers, says Struts had a “longtime” relationship with two male Humans who regularly spent their Summer lunch hours in The Park. The source claims there is video evidence of Struts accepting food from these Humans.

The source also claims that the two Humans “talked up” the financial benefits of encouraging Humans to spend time in The Park and that Struts took the idea to the Archons as early as 2010. Amaury Porpoise, who served two terms as Chief Archon during the calendar harmonization period, had no interest in the plan, according to the source.

The idea was resurrected, though, when his arch rival, George Irving Nathan Gallagher Newt, assumed the Chief Archonship in 2012 and vowed to do the opposite of whatever his predecessor had done. Despite the resistance of many of the other 34 Archons, the source says, Newt not only embarked on the plan to promote Human tourism in The Park, but he took full credit for the idea and moved swiftly on Struts’s advice to use Park funds for the purpose.

The three-prong plan that was subsequently adopted was praised by some who owned Park businesses, but it was met with opposition from many others, including The Park’s environmental groups, who vowed to fight its funding. The 2015 budget did not include tourism.

On This Day—November 27, 2015: A Hare as a spare? Park Election Office to designate runner-up in POPS election

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POPS Now that 2016 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) Adelheid Whistlepig is safely ensconced in her burrow, The Park Election Office has rendered her election win the last of its kind.

Executing what some are calling a “momentous change” in POPS election policy, the PEO has decided to designate an official POPS runner-up—an Animal who will fulfill the duties of the POPS should she or he be unable to do so. The change in policy will take effect at the next election.

At a press conference this afternoon, PEO head Gerritt Wezel made the announcement.

“Many factors were involved in our decision to designate an official runner-up—a spare, you might say—in the POPS election,” he said.

Among those factors, Wezel cited the lack of age restriction for candidates and the precariousness of life itself. But one thing stood out for Park citizens—and particularly for The Park’s weather makers— and that was the change in climate over the past decades.

“In the few years that we have been electing the POPS—a little more than a decade, in fact—our climate has become less and less predictable,” Wezel said.

“As many in our medical community have noted, premature awakening from hibernation, which was once a rare occurrence, has become a blight on our hibernating population. This is a serious matter and selecting a runner-up to the POPS is not a solution to this dilemma. But it is a first step in acknowledging that we must accommodate to it until we can change it. It is for this reason that I petitioned the Archons last year for a change in policy. And it is for this reason that they  agreed,” he said.

Wezel confirmed that the runner-up would likely be the candidate who received the second-largest number of votes, but he said the laws surrounding the selection have yet to be written.

“This is something that will take some time and a lot of deliberation, but the wheels are now in motion,” he said.

On This Day—November 26, 2014: Chef Tab Tricolore to collaborate with artists on PMoCA 2015 installation

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Tab Tricolore: "You have to offer an extraordinary culinary experience or else Animals will not dine at your restaurant."Celebrity Chef and award-winning author Tab Tricolore will collaborate with a group of artists on the Park Museum of Contemporary Art’s 2015 installation.

Aulikki Norsu, president of PMoCA’s board of directors, confirmed the collaboration between the museum and the controversial chef in a statement released this morning.

“We are pleased to announce that renowned Park Chef Tab Tricolore will serve as creative director of our 2015 art installation. The chef will work closely with our in-house staff as well as with Park artists that he will select personally to craft what we anticipate will be a thought-provoking piece,” the statement reads.

The subject of the installation remains a “closely-guarded secret,” the statement said, but those close to Tricolore say it is safe to assume that it will be food-related.

“As you know, Tab is obsessed with food. He can barely be distracted; his mind is always going, he’s always working and reworking recipes, sourcing new ingredients, looking to other species for inspiration. He’s an artist, himself, and I can’t imagine that if he got involved in a ‘real’ art project, that it wouldn’t at least include food, if not be totally about food,” said his former saucier, Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla.

Although a date has not been announced for the opening, the museum statement said it expected the installation to be ready by the Spring.

On This Day—November 25, 2016: Bowing to technology, hibernating community puts Tulip Map to bed

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squirrel-with-gpsIf you have a copy of this year’s Tulip Map, you might want to keep it.

The 2017 version of the map, which is officially known as the “Map of Tulip and other Bulb Beds in The Park and Environs,” will be the last of its kind, according to a spokesAnimal for the publisher.

The map has been produced annually for over a decade by the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC), in association with the Confederation of Ground Squirrels (CGS), the Idiosyncratic Hibernators of The Park (IHOP), the Association of Distinct Hibernating Animals of The Park (ADHAP) and the Park Alliance of Chipmunks (PAC) and it has served as a trusted guide for a large number of The Park’s residents.

But as of 2018, Animals seeking the whereabouts of those juicy flower bulbs will be encouraged to use apps such as TulipTracker and Bulb Beacon. Or go back to using their own senses.

“In some ways, it could be seen as a step backwards,” concedes Cornelius Kakapo, Director of Public Relations for the Department of Well-Being and Safety.

“But the map itself was not infallible, so the apps, together with our own tracking abilities, should be as accurate, if not more.”

While that is likely true, the real beneficiaries of the decision might be those who still have the old maps. According to Wyuna Winkle of The Literary Apothecary, collectors will probably pay quite a lot for them. And, she says, it won’t take long for the 2017 map, which was printed only a month ago, to make it to the auction block.

“It almost gives a new meaning to the expression, ‘hot off the press,’ ” she says.

On This Day—November 24, 2016: SnailMale confirms performance at upcoming Stereotype Sunday

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Snail MaleRapper SnailMale will perform at the next Stereotype Sunday, he announced today.

In a tweet this morning, the rapper confirmed his participation in the weekly event and invited his fans and followers to join him at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre, where he said he will take the stage at two o’clock. He ended the tweet with the hashtag, “GastropodPower.”

SnailMale is only the second musician who has been invited to perform at the weekly event. The first was ZEAL, who introduced his single, “Crossing the Line” there in July.

As the rapper’s tweet suggests, this Sunday’s event will focus on The Park’s Gastropods. The themed Stereotype Sundays, which were introduced in September, take place on the last Sunday of the month.

On This Day—November 23, 2015: Hieronymous Hedgehog to tweet during hibernation via Keeper of the Tweets

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Hieronymous twitter account

Move over, Keeper of the Nut. Hieronymous Hedgehog has a Keeper of the Tweets.

The Hedgehog, who was sworn in November 2 as The Park’s first Official Hibernation Ambassador, left little to chance, it appears, when he went into hibernation on November 17.

In fact, what he left was eleven weeks’ worth of tweets on the subject of hibernation, including the details of preparation and what life underground is really like.

“He took his duties very seriously, particularly those related to educating non-hibernators, and he was dismayed that the position was created so late in the year,” said Chief Archon Abayomi Cuckoo, who appointed the Hedgehog in late October. The position carries a term of five years.

The Chief Archon said they spoke on a number of occasions about the time crunch and the need for Hieronymous to prepare for his own hibernation while leaving time to attend to his new duties, including hosting Q&A sessions on Twitter.

“I told him to resume his duties full-time in the Spring and not to worry about it. But he wanted a more concrete solution to the problem,” she said.

Enter The Park’s oldest hibernation outfitters, GoUnderground, for whom Hieronymous is a spokesAnimal.

“He was facing a deadline in every sense of the word and I told him that whatever we could do to help, we would,” says Nafari Bongo, GoUnderground’s Director of Sales.

The solution they came up with was for Hieronymous to take a few days and dictate everything he wanted to say about hibernation this year. Then, they’d hire another Animal to send the info as tweets throughout the Winter.

“Hieronymous was thrilled with that solution. He kept saying, ‘Brilliant! Brilliant!’ And his enthusiasm was infectious. We all got into it and made suggestions about topics and questions that non-hibernators might have,” Bongo says.

The hibernation outfitter then discreetly placed an ad for a non-hibernator to take over the Twitter account for twelve weeks.

“We found the perfect tweeter and we’re almost ready to go live,” he says. But the identity of that tweeter will be kept under wraps until the Spring.

As for Hieronymous, we wish him a happy hibernation and we look forward to seeing him again on Groundhog Day.

“Under and out, as he might say,” laughs Bongo.

On This Day—November 22, 2013: Our shortest-lived citizens pose the question: “What would YOU do with a minute?”

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The Park's shortest-lived citizens are participating in a one-day event called, "How Long Is A Minute?" to raise awareness of the injustices that are faced by their kindIn an effort to raise awareness of their kind and to shed some light on their continuing struggle for equal treatment, The Park’s shortest-lived citizens will host a series of one-day events beginning next month that will pose the important question, “”What Would You Do With A Minute?”

“All over The Park, we hear Animals bemoaning their busy lives, saying they don’t have time to do the important things anymore…that they don’t have a minute to themselves,” says event coordinator Consuelo Abeja.

“We thought it might be fun to offer them a little perspective, to show them what we can do with a minute since, for many of us, our lives are made up of very few of them,” she says.

While that may seem a bit hyperbolic, Abeja is quick to point out that some of her best friends have had lifespans of less than a week.

“And, yet, they managed to accomplish all they needed to,” she declares, with a glint in her eye and just a touch of nostalgia in her voice.

Next month’s inaugural event will highlight the short but productive lives of The Park’s Opossums, Rabbits, Mice, and Chameleons. Abeja says she hopes that other Park species will bring an open mind to the event and that they will be ready to rethink their ideas about their fellow citizens.

“Our lives will be on display here, in a way that they never have been before. And our hope is that other Animals will stop to look and listen and, maybe, contemplate…without comparison or judgement,” says Abeja.

The event will take place at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre on December 15, from 10:00 until sundown.

“There will be a little bit of everything at the event. Food, art, music, even a bit of sport,” says Abeja. “But our main goal is to raise awareness of our abilities and our commitment to work. We don’t believe we should be judged by the length of our lives so much as by what we are able to accomplish within that timespan. We want you to know, if you’re hiring, we can do the job. We hope this event will be the beginning of a new relationship between us and our longer-lived compatriots,” she says.

On This Day—November 21, 2011: Police call for calm after specist handbook discovered in Park

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The Archons of The Park, in conjunction with the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) have issued a call for calm throughout The Park after the discovery of what appears to be a specist handbook.

The book, which was discovered under the Ancient Oak Tree early this morning, is written in the Human English language, experts say. Language specialists at the University of West Terrier are currently studying the book and its contents. In a statement issued at midday, they said they plan to make a full report to the Archons as soon as they have completed their study.

The book was discovered by Rodnina Owl, police confirmed. The Owl was reportedly eating a snack in the Tree, when she noticed something shiny at the base.

“The glossy cover caught my eye and I swooped down to see what it was,” she said in an interview on PBC  Radio late this morning. “I was shocked when they told me what it said.” The Owl does not speak any Human languages.

In their appeal for calm, the Archons emphasized the need for patience on the part of Park Animals.

Two hours after the Archons issued their appeal, Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons, fielded questions from residents and media. The major concerns were for Animal security, with many calling for barricades and some suggesting pre-emptive strikes. Calls for an all-out war, fuelled by rumours that Humans intend to take over The Park, were quickly dismissed by FCSW President, Gareth Shepherd.

“We cannot afford to react until we know the full extent of the assault,” said Shepherd.

On This Day—November 20, 2014: First week of December designated as “Sneak Peek Week” at Park Museum

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Park MuseumThe Park Museum has designated the first week of December as “Sneak Peek Week.”

In a statement released yesterday, The Board of Governors issued an invitation to all Park Animals to take a sneak peek at their museum.

“In anticipation of its January 2015 opening, all Park Animals are invited to explore the museum free of charge, from 10:00 a.m. until 11:00 p.m., December 1-7, inclusive,” the statement reads.

The museum, which is still under construction but is scheduled to open officially in January 2015, was designed by the architectural firm of Fleck + Stone. The complex will include a library and an art gallery and the museum itself will serve as the permanent home of many important Park artefacts, including the Varrian Calendar.

For more information, please check the museum’s web site at parkmuseum.info.

On This Day—November 19, 2013: Archons delay hibernation as 2014 POPS remains undeclared

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Breaking_NewsIn an unprecedented move, the 2013 Archons have voted to delay the official date of hibernation until a winner in the 2014 POPS (Park Official Prognosticator of Spring) election can be declared.

Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons, announced the unanimous decision at a press conference this afternoon.

“Due to the exceptional circumstances in which we find ourselves this year, the 2013 Archons, under the leadership of Chief Archon Dewi Merpatee Rhinoceros, have made the decision to delay the official date of hibernation until such time as we are able to declare the winner of the 2014 POPS election.

This was a difficult decision to make, but the Archons believed that it was the only way to respond with fairness to the needs of The Park’s hibernating community. They felt strongly that we could not expect these citizens to go into hibernation without knowing the results of this important election. The Archons, therefore, have decided that hibernation will occur one day after the winner of the POPS election is declared,” Alouatta said.

The press conference was attended by Chief Archon Rhinoceros and six of the 34 remaining Archons: Oonagh Albertina Hellbender, Grosvenor Tortoise, Ottmar Limpkin, Françoise Hélène Coccinelle, Hagen Roeland Roadrunner, and Paulette Woodpecker. Gerritt Wezel, head of the Park Election Office also attended. The group did not entertain questions.

After the statement was read, a one-page press release was distributed. The release assured Park citizens that the decision “was not taken lightly, but was made in consultation with a number of medical experts from the University of West Terrier, the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, and the Extinction Anxiety Clinic.” The Archons also sought a number of legal opinions before making their decision, the press release said.

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