The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

UWT greenlights “Paper Bag Project” to test Human intelligence, behaviour

By

UWT COATThe University of West Terrier announced today that it has greenlit a new investigation into Human intelligence and behaviour that will be directed by Dr. Luule Aednik of the Department of Psychology‘s Cognitive and Experimental Psychology division.

The investigation, which will involve a team of researchers from both the Department of Psychology and the Department of Human Studies, will take place this Summer, during the height of the tourist season.

According to Dr. Aednik, researchers will be testing Humans’ ability to “think themselves out of a paper bag.” The investigation will employ more than a dozen graduate students, who will drop the bags over the heads of random Humans, as they walk through The Park. Cameras placed around The Park—in Tree branches, near ponds, outside theatres, and in picnic areas, will capture the Humans’ attempts to free themselves from the bags.

In a statement accompanying the announcement this morning, Dr. Aednik said he has no idea what the research will show.

“We come to this investigation without prejudice,” he wrote. “We have open minds and open hearts, and we will conduct the investigation with the utmost respect for the Human species.”

Data from the three-month investigation will be analyzed during the Winter, Dr. Aednik wrote, and he hopes to publish the results in the prestigious Journal of Human Behaviour (JHB) next year.

Noreen gets police protection after brawl breaks out at UWT event

By

Official NoreenNoreen was escorted home by Park Police yesterday after a brawl broke out at an event she was co-hosting at the University of West Terrier.

The Mammalian Daily advice columnist, who is also an adjunct professor of Human Studies at UWT, was the co-host, with Chittenden School of Law professor Fionnula Fox, of an extended Q&A session after the launch of their joint project, the Domestic Empowerment Initiative (DEI). The DEI is designed to empower Animals who are currently living in a domestic situation with Humans.

During the Q&A, a brawl broke out among audience members who misunderstood Noreen’s words and took them to mean she was in favour of Animal domestication. Although she made several attempts to clarify her position, the audience members would have none of it. After several minutes of name-calling and threats to Noreen’s safety, UWT security removed the offending Animals and shut the session down. Park Police officer Gareth Shepherd then escorted Noreen home.

On Twitter this morning, Noreen thanked Officer Shepherd and sought once again to clarify her stand on Animal domestication.

gareth

“I did NOT say that domestication by Humans is acceptable,” she wrote. “Rather, I said that domestication is a complicated issue and there are circumstances under which living with Humans is the best option.”

She also wrote that she believes that strengthening The Park’s economy, educating Animals and encouraging Animal self-rule are the best methods by which we can eliminate both the need and desire for domestication.

“Life is never easy, but self-determination beats domestication,” she concluded.

Archons expected to announce funding for Barkettes museum by end of month

By

barkettes-all-the-hair-i-left-behindThe 2017 Archons are expected to announce funding for a Barkettes museum before the end of this month, a source close to the governing body has told The Mammalian Daily.

According to the source, Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu put the project to a vote last week and it was unanimously passed. Funding for the museum is expected to be spread out over time and allocated in the next five budgets. Thisbe and the Barkettes were not consulted by the Archons, but they were made aware of the impending vote.

In October of 2015, the Canine Music Association teamed up with the Park Historical Society to push for a museum to honour the beloved group, who just this month donated a new song to the cause of enforced domestication awareness. CMA president R.F. Aarrf and Park Historical Society president Clark Cascanueces  called it a “travesty” that the Barkettes had not been honoured properly in The Park.

“The Barkettes broke the species barrier when it came to music and they paved the way for the success of all other Park musicians. We are long overdue in honouring them by keeping their accomplishments alive for the next generations,” Cascanueces said when he and Aarrf launched a petition to pressure the Archons to establish the museum.

Currently, the Barkettes retain possession of most of their memorabilia, but in April of 2015, they donated the original sheet music and some early drafts of the lyrics of “Stuffed Dogs Don’t Shed” to The Park Museum.

Gossip site: We have photos of Archon in bed with Humans

By

headsNtalesWHOA! BRAKING NEWS The gossip site headsNtales says it plans to publish a set of photos of 2017 Archon Nakato Bonobo that show her in a compromising position with Humans.

In a post dated today, the site claimed to have in its possession fourteen photos of Bonobo sleeping in a bed between two adult Humans. Co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo said she believes the incident in the photos took place in late April in a home outside The Park.

While the site has not yet identified the Humans in the photos, Guacamayo says there is no doubt about who is sleeping between them.

“It was completely by accident that we were able to get these photos and the reason we waited so long to disclose them is that we didn’t believe it, ourselves, at first. But there is no doubt in our minds that the Animal sleeping between these two Humans is, in fact, 2017 Archon Nakato Bonobo,” Guacamayo told The Mammalian Daily.

Guacamayo said that she’d contacted Bonobo about the photos, but had received no reply. headsNtales intends to publish the photos this month.

If the photos are of Bonobo, it would be particularly embarrassing for her if they were published in June. Bonobo has been an outspoken supporter of Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM) and a vocal champion of the many refugee organizations in The Park. She has even been called “anti-Human,” which she has said she regards as a compliment.

As of the publication of this article, there has been no reaction from Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu or any of Bonobo’s colleagues in the 2017 government.

Holstein Fashion plans June launch of scent to support EDAM, EQUALSS

By

grazecroppedHolstein Fashion, the parent company of Designs by Holstein, will continue its charitable work this year by launching a new scent, GRAZE, that will benefit enforced domestication awareness (EDAM) as well as the company’s own charity, EQUALSS.

A statement released this morning by company president and CEO Balbina Ko included an invitation to all Park residents to the June 15 launch party at the Reek-O-Rama.

“Please join us to celebrate the strides we’ve made in enforced domestication awareness and in achieving equality among the species, especially the striped and spotted,” the invitation reads.

In the statement, Ko describes the scent as having “notes of grass, fresh rain, and clotted earth, combined in such a way as to be reminiscent of peaceful Summer days away from the hustle and bustle of daily life.”

While the scent will be the star of the launch party, the celebration of equality and Animal self-rule will be the theme, Ko told The Mammalian Daily. All attendees will receive a sample of the scent and all proceeds from its sale in June and July will go to enforced domestication awareness. After that, the proceeds will be split between EDAM and Holstein Fashion’s own charity, EQUALSS, which supports equality for the striped and spotted.

For EDAM: June 10 Aracari performance to be free of charge and for Avians only

By

MillicentHayberry NewsBit
For the first time in the history of Park theatre, a scheduled performance of a play will not only be free of charge to patrons, but those patrons will all be from one particular group: Birds.

In an announcement today on Twitter, Millicent Hayberry confirmed what she called the “big news” about her new mystery play, Aracari, which opened to rave reviews this past weekend and which marked her directorial début.

Tickets for the evening performance on June 10 will be on sale at The Burrow Theatre box office only, beginning at noon today.

Burrows become hot property as Park’s growing population seeks housing

By

burrows-real-estateThe Park’s population continues to grow at a dizzying pace, and that’s good news for many businesses and services. But for those engaged in building and selling housing, the spike in population over the past few years has presented almost insurmountable challenges.

“We weren’t prepared for this,” says Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), whose organization represents real estate services, but not builders. “We’re definitely having trouble accommodating newcomers.”

His admission is backed up by a recently-published report by the Department of Statistics and Records that concludes The Park has only enough sheltered housing for seventy percent of its resident Animals.

Whistlepig cites a number of reasons for the shortage and among them is one his organization brought to light after an investigation into the 2014 grooming house stampede: the sharp increase in those who look to others to do the things they used to do themselves.

“We used to groom ourselves, build our own housing, and find our own food. All that has changed over the past two decades and we haven’t kept up with demand because we didn’t take note of the changes in behaviour until it was too late,” he says, bluntly.

For some of The Park’s established builders, though, there is a silver lining in this housing cloud.

Orders are “way up,” according to Kerman Astoa, vice-president of sales for Burrows and Beyond. And, he says, at least twenty-five per cent of B&B’s new customers are neither hibernators nor natural burrowers.

“We’re surprised by the number of species willing to compromise on housing,” he says. “But burrows can be built in an eighth of the time that above-ground sheltered housing takes, and they last for years and can easily be enlarged. It’s a smart choice and more and more Animals are seeing that,” he says.

Resales are also up, according to Subterranean Sales and Rental.

“Burrows are hot property these days, no question,” a spokesAnimal for the company told The Mammalian Daily. “And we see no sign of a slowdown in sales.”

Hayberry drops diva demeanour, plans pre-gala meet and greet with fans

By

MillicentHayberry Renowned actress Millicent Hayberry will not be leaving the building early. In fact, she’ll be there well ahead of schedule.

In an open letter that was published media-wide today, the actress issued an invitation to her loyal fans to attend a meet and greet event with her at The Burrow Theatre on Friday, June 2—one day before the gala opening of her new play, Aracari.

Hayberry, who is best known for her portrayal of the late author Imogen Aardeekhoorn in both the stage and screen productions of Mixed Nuts, is not only the star of the second play of Gianfranco Colocolo’s three-part mystery series, but she is also its director.

Tickets for the gala opening were quickly snapped up after going on sale Monday and, according to Hayberry, she wanted to respond to the disappointment of many of her fans. After The Burrow Theatre gave its permission, she decided to host a pre-gala event to thank her “beloved fans” for their continuing loyalty.

It is a bold and somewhat dangerous move, and one that few actors would make.

“Had I been her director this time around, I would have forbidden it,” says Jean-Luc Briard, who directed Hayberry last year in Godwit, the first of the Colocolo mystery series.

“It’s too risky,” he said. “Too many things can go wrong. Actors need to keep themselves focused on the play and avoid all distractions.”

Nevertheless, Hayberry says she’ll be greeting fans at The Burrow Theatre from ten o’clock in the morning until “the last of my fans returns home.” No tickets are required, but be prepared for a long lineup.

Park’s refugee groups take issue with new EDAM poster

By

poster-for-edamGroups that represent The Park’s immigrant and refugee communities are pressing for a meeting with the Archons and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) to discuss the ramifications of what they’re calling the “not-so-hidden” messages in the new poster commissioned for June’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM).

In a statement this morning, the leaders of eleven of The Park’s aid groups criticized the decision to portray the domesticated and formerly domesticated as “dupes,” or as lazy Animals seeking an easier life.

“The Animals we help, many of whom bear the scars of their struggles to escape from domestic situations, are being made to suffer twice over by being portrayed as stupid, lazy, or materialistic,” the statement says.

While the groups say they agree that it’s essential to warn Park residents about the dangers of living with Humans, they feel the month-long awareness campaign need not insult those who have done so or who still do.

“Many of the Animals we assist were taken by Humans during the first few weeks of their lives and they had no control over that. And many others have chosen, out of sheer desperation, to live with Humans in domestic situations. We all do what we must to survive. There is no need to characterize these survivors as foolish,” the statement says.

The group leaders say they will continue to protest against the campaign literature until they meet with the Archons and the DWBS.

Tickets for Burrow Theatre’s Aracari gala opening performance go on sale today

By

aracari-gala-ticket-with-border

Tickets for the gala opening of the second in Gianfranco Colocolo’s three-part mystery series will go on sale this afternoon at one o’clock, The Burrow Theatre announced this morning.

Aracari, which was written by the award-winning author of Murder at the Fishbowl, has been in previews for a few weeks and will begin its regular run on 3 June. The opening also marks the directorial début of the trilogy’s star, Millicent Hayberry, for whom Colocolo wrote the rôle of the “chirpy” detective.

The production was delayed by a month due to what Hayberry told The Mammalian Daily was a certain “post-hibernation sluggishness,” but she says she is fit and well and looking forward to the theatre season.

“The response to the previews has been overwhelmingly positive and I’ve gained a lot of energy from that,” she said. “I am so grateful to all who attended and particularly to those who offered feedback on the performances.”

Hayberry, who is best known for her portrayal of the late author Imogen Aardeekhoorn in both the stage and screen productions of Mixed Nuts, credits Colocolo with giving her a “second career.”

“I never would have thought I’d have such a good time playing a detective,” Hayberry said. “I was reluctant to shed my Mixed Nuts image, but Gianfranco has given me a second life.”

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

December 2025
M T W T F S S
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031