The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Memes of Production to be official hosts of this year’s Anixi Agrarian Jubilee

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Memes of ProductionIt’s official. And it’s a first for the Anixi Agrarian Jubilee.

The annual festival announced today that Bovine singing sensations Memes of Production will not only play at this year’s event, they will be its full-time hosts.

Jubilee chief organizer Miriam Wapiti made the announcement at a small press gathering today.

“We are very pleased that Memes of Production accepted our invitation to play host at this year’s event,” she said. “Their success at last year’s Jubilee proved that their music and their ethos are in sync with the values of our celebration.”

Wapiti said she’d be “forever grateful” to the group for rescuing last year’s event, when the boycott of its opening act as well as of The Park’s farmers and weather makers threatened to shut it down.

“They proved that politics has no place at the Jubilee,” she said.

While the event has been criticized over the past few years for becoming “too politicized,” both Wapiti and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations have attempted to rein in any overt politicking. Most notably, organizers refused to allow The Park’s farmers and weather makers to host information booths during the event five years ago.

Although Wapiti would not elaborate on the Memes of Production’s full rôle in the event, she did hint that they would have some say in choosing the musicians and other entertainers.

The Anixi Agrarian Jubilee will take place on May 21, 2017.

What’s the buzz? Mumblebee to perform at today’s Stereotype Sunday

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MumblebeeMumblebee will perform at today’s Stereotype Sunday, it was announced this morning.

In a short press release, the popular artist’s representatives confirmed that she will join Belles and Whistles and rappers The Tweeters for two sets during this week’s event.

Mumblebee, who performs a combination of spoken word and lyrical music, does not call herself a “singer.” Rather, she refers to herself as an “artist who performs in different musical styles at the same time.” Her distinct sound has been compared to the Human “vocal fry,” though her fans dislike the comparison, apparently for good reason.

“What Mumblebee does is very different and far more challenging than anything any Human has ever done,” says Telma Abelha, music critic at the Serangga Star Adviser.

“Quite frankly, to perform in the style of Mumblebee requires vocalization that Humans are not physically capable of. And it’s by no means easy.” Abelha says.

Mumblebee arrived on The Park’s music scene last year and with her breakout recording of “Rumor,” captured the imagination and the hearts of music fans. Translated into the languages of one hundred and forty-two different species, the work has broken records, but because of the artist’s refusal to define herself as a singer, those sales statistics do not appear on The Park’s lists of top selling songs.

Mumblebee will perform today at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre at two o’clock and again at four-thirty.

Domestic Animals have no control over their estates: UWT study

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dog-toysAt a time when Park residents are amassing greater amounts of wealth and material goods, a new study shows that Animals who live outside The Park have no legal control over their possessions during their lifetime and even afterwards.

The study, out of the University of West Terrier’s Chittenden School of Law, shows that ninety-nine percent of Animals who live in domestic situations with Humans have to relinquish control of their possessions—including toys, food, beds, clothing and other accoutrements, and even trophies and awards—after they die and, in some cases, even before that.

The study was conducted by UWT Law Professor Fionnula Fox and a team of Chittenden research assistants. After extensive and multiple interviews with three thousand, five hundred domestic Animals of seventeen different species, the researchers concluded that domestic Animals had virtually no control over their possessions during or after their lifetime, even if those possessions had been purchased or won by the Animals themselves.

“It is a dismal situation for the domestics,” says Fox, an expert in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park).

“We heard the same stories, over and over, from these poor creatures, some of whom had to witness their own possessions being handed over to other Animals right in front of them. Others told of witnessing the dying wishes of their friends and families ignored by Humans, sometimes resulting in the very possessions they had most treasured becoming trash,” she told The Mammalian Daily.

The conclusions drawn from these heartbreaking interviews will be published in the Journal of Extra-Hortulanial Law (JEHL) in June, coincidentally the same month that The Park has designated as Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM).

Month Without Metaphor executive committee names new director

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mwm-posterThe executive committee of Park media’s annual Month Without Metaphor has named Ronald Grouse as director of the annual initiative.

The Avian Messenger’s chief political analyst will take the reins on Monday and begin by expanding MWM’s reach through social media, says an announcement issued this morning.

A graduate of the Cuthbert School of Journalism at the University of West Terrier, Grouse has been a frequent guest of Yannis Tavros on his Toro Talk Radio show and a regular commentator during coverage of The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations. He has worked at The Avian Messenger for the past eight years.

Grouse replaces Alvin Tinamou, who was one of the founders of Month Without Metaphor and who served as its director the past three years.

PASS: we’ll defy any law that stops us from doing business with Humans

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penguin waiterThe Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) sent a strong message to the Archons today: no law will stop its members from doing business with Humans.

At a press conference this morning, PASS President Wellington Whistlepig said his membership voted unanimously on Monday to defy any legislation brought forth by the Archons that would restrict Park Animals’ right to trade with Humans.

“Let’s be clear,” Whistlepig said. “There is no wiggle room here. Our membership cannot afford to pick and choose its customers. This is not about liking Humans or having any personal relationships with them. This is about the livelihood of our members.”

Asked why PASS members voted on an issue that is little more than a rumour at this point, Whistlepig was forthright.

“We felt we needed to get ahead of this, to let the Archons know where we stand on this issue and how we feel about the direction in which they seem to be heading. This is about our members’ very survival and, we believe, about the economic independence of The Park.”

 

BREAKING: Archons to outlaw Humans’ use of Park Animals as transport

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horse-drawn-carriageBREAKING NEWS
In a surprise announcement at a press briefing this afternoon, the Archons’ spokesAnimal, Balthasar Alouatta, said the Archons plan to enact legislation that will outlaw the use of our citizens and residents as transport for Humans both within and outside Park boundaries. He said the law will come into effect in early April.

Calling the new law “the first in a suite of laws that will codify the relationship between Park Animals and Humans,” Alouatta confirmed the Archons’ desire to “delineate formally the boundaries of the rights, abilities, and obligations of Humans as regards The Park’s population.”

“The Archons feel that the fluid relationship between Humans and Park Animals that has existed for decades must come to an end. Now that we have a mature zoocracy, they feel it is time to formally codify that relationship,” he said.

Although Alouatta did not take questions at the briefing, he did acknowledge the “many considerations” and difficulties that some Park Animals would experience as a result of the new legislation.

“It is not the intention of the Archons to make life difficult for Park Animals,” Alouatta said. “Rather, it is their intention to ensure that Park Animals will be treated with fairness and respect by Humans, now and in the years to follow,” he said.

Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic director quits amid controversy

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polar-bears-poetry-picnicKumaglak Nanuq Polar Bear, who tried to make the Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic more open and inclusive, has resigned after serving two years of this three-year term.

In a letter to the event organizers and to the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, Polar Bear thanked the department for their confidence in him and expressed his appreciation for the opportunity to serve The Park’s literary community.

“I will be forever grateful to you for allowing me the chance to broaden my fellow Animals’ appreciation of my species and of poetry,” he wrote in his letter of resignation.

Polar Bear made no mention of the recent controversy, which Seymour K. Worthington Polar Bear stirred up a week before Saturday’s event. The former picnic director said he felt the event would be diminished by the upcoming changes such as the inclusion of non-poets and artists from other media and genres. He also offended many when, in an interview with Yannis Tavros on Toro Talk Radio, he made remarks that sounded as if he believed that his own species was superior in the field of poetry and he decried what he believed was the “watering down” of the genre in order to appeal to other species.

The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations has not commented on the resignation.

DWBS confirms detailed map of Park found outside official boundaries

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map-of-parkThe Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has confirmed that a map of The Park has been found outside our official boundaries.

In a short statement issued this morning, the department confirmed that a map of The Park that shows the location of some of our government institutions and businesses was found on the ground outside the western border.

According to the statement, the department was advised of the map’s existence early this month by Park police, who said a citizen who encountered it while travelling outside The Park surrendered it to them.

The map is not an official Park map, but one that the department believes was drawn by a Human who had visited The Park or had some knowledge of it.

Cornelius Kakapo, director of public relations for the DWBS, has confirmed to The Mammalian Daily that the department will hold a press conference this coming week to discuss the details and possible ramifications of the situation.

Travel ban will hurt our students, art school director tells Archons

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Hani Gajah School of ArtThe director of the Hani Gajah School of Art has made a heartfelt plea to the Archons: don’t restrict Animals’ travel outside The Park.

In an open letter published across Park media, Nolwazi Indlovu pleads her case for students’ “unrestricted exposure to the wider world,” while addressing the Archons’ reported concerns about safety.

“We at The Park’s premier centre of artistic education share your concern for the safety of all Park Animals. From the beginning, we have put our students’ safety first, yet we have designed curricula that require them to spend time outside The Park. We believe that the value of their enrichment through unrestricted exposure to the wider world outweighs any risk that might be involved,” the letter reads in part.

The letter is a response to the February rumour that the Archons plan to restrict Animal’s travel due to the inability of our legal representatives to aid Animals who have been charged or detained outside The Park.

While other Park educational institutions also require their students to spend some time outside The Park, the Hani Gajah School would be more adversely affected by any travel ban, since its four-year programme requires one year of full-time residency outside The Park.

The letter to the Archons was signed by Indlovu as well as by former Hani Gajah instructor and current curator of The Park Museum’s art gallery, Dorika Pumi, Hani Gajah alumni Anastazja Koci and Hanad Maroodiga, and Aamuun Maroodiga, head curator, Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA).

 

Archons hunt for new Finance Office head to defund tourism, trade: rumour

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3280_smiled_wolf_business_man_holding_cashPark Finance Office (PFO) head Valentina Abeja’s days may be numbered.

According to a post on the gossip site headsNtales, Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu is “not pleased” with some of the terms of Abeja’s past budgets.

In the post dated today, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo quotes a conversation she claims to have had with a Park Finance Office employee, who says that Abeja has been under pressure since January to produce a budget that will defund tourism and extra-hortulanial trade (trade with those living outside The Park).

According to Guacamayo’s source, Abeja has resisted, even though she herself reduced the funding for both in her last budget.

“Abeja does not believe in isolating The Park,” Guacamayo says the source told her. But her resistance may prove futile because, according to the source, Kuttu has begun a search for a new PFO head who will follow her orders.

If these rumours are true, this will be the first time in Park history that a Chief Archon has interfered with a budget prior to its release. It’s been customary for the PFO head to prepare a budget and then for the Archons en masse to approve it, to request changes, or to send it back.

According to Park historian and professor Beatrice Zilonis, this action, if true, is unprecedented. And dangerous.

“We have never seen so much direct contact with the PFO head prior to a budget,” she told The Mammalian Daily.

Zilonis says that while there has always been some tension between the PFO head and the Archons, the Archons have never given direct orders to the PFO.

“It’s unheard of,” she said. “Since it’s the Archons who’ve appointed the PFO head, they’ve usually been on the same page. The budget has always been tweaked, either because of the Archons’ desires or the citizens’, but never at this stage. If this is true, this constitutes overreach on the part of the Archons, in my opinion,” she said.

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