The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

DWBS “disappointed” that Mating Dance selfie warnings not heeded

By

Pig SelfieFor the second year in a row, selfies and other photos of Park Animals that were taken during last Friday’s Mating Dance have been posted on the internet.

“It appears that our repeated warnings to Park Animals to take precautions against Humans photographing them taking selfies fell on deaf ears,” said Cornelius Kakapo, Director of Public Relations for the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), at a press conference this morning.

While Kakapo confirmed that a second investigation has been launched into the posting of Mating Dance photos, he was quick to emphasize that little could be done about the problem at this point.

“This is about prevention, not about cure,” he said. “The time to do something about it is before it happens. We have no way of forcing Humans to remove the pictures from their sites. We can only do our best to prevent it. ”

Kakapo said the department had received legal advice and was told that although under Park law the posting of these photos is considered a hate crime, Park Animals have no ability to pursue their legal rights outside The Park.

“Unfortunately, that is the case,” explained Fionnula L. Fox, professor of law at the University of West Terrier and a specialist in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park) on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

“It does not lie within our jurisdiction to prosecute Humans who reside outside The Park.”

MWM head takes on Park media for manipulating readers “like advertisers”

By

mwm-posterRonald Grouse, the director of Park media’s Month Without Metaphor, has taken Park media to task over what he describes as the manipulation of their readership “in the style of advertisers.”

In a scathing editorial this morning, The Avian Messenger’s chief political analyst criticized Park publications, calling them “complicit with advertisers” in their descriptions of products, places, and events.

Grouse, who has only been at the helm of the media initiative for a month, singled out The Rodent Commoner for its recent article on the shortage of burrows in The Park.

“The use of terms that evoke emotion, such as ‘home,’ ‘hearth,’ ‘shelter,’ and the invocation of ‘family,’ is inexcusable in a publication that is supposed to be dedicated to presenting unembellished facts,” Grouse wrote.

The MWM director didn’t stop at The Rodent Commoner. Using examples from almost every Park newspaper, he demonstrated the manipulation that has come to be seen as the norm.

“News media are not in the business of pulling heartstrings,” he wrote, apologizing in the next sentence for the metaphor. “News media are in the business of presenting the facts as they are known or have come to be known. We are supposed to allow the readers to make their own judgments, based on our presentation. We are not supposed to lead them to feel anything.”

Grouse concluded his editorial by saying that he is deeply disturbed by the growing willingness of publications to shill for companies without thought to the consequences.

“You can be sure that we will take this up further at the Media Circus at the end of the month,” he wrote.

Noreen nominated for literary award for UWT speech on Human architecture

By

Official NoreenBREAKING NEWS: Noreen has been nominated for a Chitter Radio Literary Award.

In an announcement this morning, CRLA director Guadalupe Tucán confirmed Noreen’s nomination in the speech category for her address at a University of West Terrier forum this past Autumn.

The Mammalian Daily advice columnist and adjunct professor of Human Studies served as chair of the two-day October event, which discussed the effects of Human architecture on other Animals. Other participants included faculty members in the UWT Schools of Architecture, Medicine, and Economics and Social Science, as well as community architects and professionals working in the fields of physical and mental health.

Noreen’s speech, which was entitled, “Doors, Screens, Walls, Halls: The Ins and Outs of Human Architecture,” was exceptionally well-received at the event, according to university officials and forum participants.

This is Noreen’s first CRLA nomination.

The Chitter Radio Literary Awards will be held on June 15, 2017.

Bedfellows’ singer pleads at Mating Dance: “Help me save my family!”

By

bedbug-1 Hugo Percevejo, backing singer with the group PolyTICKS and The Bedfellows, has asked for our help to save the members of his family who reside outside The Park.

In an impassioned plea at yesterday’s Mating Dance, the singer explained that a large contingent of his family has lived outside The Park for decades, but that a recent “war” on his species had made that choice untenable.

“They are under constant siege, having to move from house to house, often in the middle of the night,” he said, moments after the group concluded their set.

Percevejo, who was, himself, attacked last December while on a short trip to visit friends outside The Park, said his species has become subject to violence and chemical attacks on a regular basis.

“My species is fighting a battle against Humans and I fear it’s one we cannot win,” he said. “We have no choice but to leave our homes. But we need your help to do that.”

The singer’s plea was met with cheers of support and promises of aid, but as of this morning, there had been no official word from either from the Archons or from the Department of Well-Being and Safety. Many of The Park’s aid groups have stepped up to offer their assistance, however, and some prominent members of The Park’s musical community have done so as well. Most  notably, the Endeka Elephant Band has offered to travel outside The Park to bring back Percevejo’s family members.

“We know the situation they’re in and we will do our best to save them,” said Árvakur Fíl, a member of the Endeka band, whose  bassist, Zuberi Tembo, was killed by Humans last year while visiting his family in Africa.

Month Without Metaphor director “revises and remakes” Park media circus

By

mwm-flyersFive years after The Park’s first media circus, the new director of Month Without Metaphor is about to “revise and remake” the event for a different purpose.

In an announcement this morning, Ronald Grouse confirmed rumours of his recent talks with Rodolfo van de Gier, president of the Association of Media Outlets of The Park (AMOP), who was in charge of the 2011 event. Grouse’s announcement said the two have agreed to work together on a “new kind” of media circus that will have an “altogether different” purpose, but it offered scant details.

“We are planning to host a two-day event toward the end of the month that will have the full participation of Park media. We also extended an invitation to The Park’s literary community, including writers, publishing companies, and journal editors, as well as representatives of the University of West Terrier’s Cuthbert School of Journalism. Together, we are hoping to have a full and open discussion about the dissemination of information, the use of language and the responsibility of all those who are involved in communication,” the announcement said.

No exact times or locations were mentioned, nor whether the “fun and games,” such as playing reporter or hosting a mock interview, would be included in the new event.

Tricolore to open pop-up version of new “grassRoutes” resto at Mating Dance

By

Tab TricoloreWith all that dancing and mingling and socializing, you can really work up an appetite at the Mating Dance.

But, this year, Tab Tricolore will come to the rescue.

In anticipation of his first annual Feral Roots Festival in July, the Celebrity chef, restaurateur, and author will open a pop-up version of his new restaurant (opening date as yet undetermined), grassRoutes.

Samples of the “all natural” fare were available this morning at a press gathering hosted by Tricolore and his former saucier, Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla. While Tricolore walked through the crowd acting like a proud father, Burmilla expounded on each dish, discussing provenance, cooking techniques, presentation, and most important of all, flavours.

Since the permanent grassRoutes restaurant will feature naturally-sourced feral cuisine, Burmilla took pains to explain the meaning of the term, as well as the health benefits and financial rewards. He also offered these two important pieces of advice: Don’t buy anything that shouldn’t grow where you live or that is bigger than it should be. And don’t mess around with good natural ingredients.

“These are the only two rules to follow in feral cuisine,” he said. “And remember: food that is naturally grown and naturally-sourced is cheaper by half and three times as good for you.”

Despite his saucy nickname, Burmilla said he is just as “evangelical” about food as his former boss.

“Tab and I not only share a history, we share a passion for good, tasty, nutrition. Otherwise, we couldn’t work together,” he said.

Grooming houses “fully booked” for post-Toe-Hair Contest trimmings

By

tallulahstoilettageBusiness is so good at The Park’s grooming houses that it’s almost overwhelming.

“We are fully booked for post-Toe-Hair Contest trimmings,” says Tallulah of Talulah’s Toilettage. “We’re even over-booked on our waiting list.”

Such is the state of grooming in The Park these days that both Tallulah and Amoltrud Poedel, owner and operator of Amoltrud’s Aesthetics, say they’re on the hunt for bigger premises.

“It’s not a matter of hiring anymore; it’s a matter of where would you put more staff and customers?” says Poedel, who along with Tallulah and the owners of The Mane Event, The Pluming Room, and En Garde Hair and Skin Salon, founded the Park School of Aesthetics in 2014 in order to deal with a shortage of grooming staff in The Park.

Now, a few years later, they have a constant stream of new talent to add to their roster. But with The Park’s population growing steadily and fewer Animals doing their own grooming, many of the Big Five, as they like to call themselves, have outgrown their homes.

“It’s a good problem to have, but it’s a problem nonetheless,” says The Mane Event’s head coiffeur Marlene Bärin.

Bärin credits the growth in the number of Park events for the surge in business, but she also thinks they should be spread out more.

“I don’t envy my friends at The Pluming Room,” she says. “They’ve been booked up for the Mating Dance and the Fowl Ball since February.”

Tano Pagun, The Pluming Room’s co-owner, confirms that fact but, like Bärin, says it’s the right problem to have.

“We won’t get any sleep until June, but we’ll enjoy it all the more,” she laughs.

Ingolf Ewald donates “Wisdom Rejects Beauty” to Fowl Ball auction

By

wisdom-rejects-beautyRenowned artist Ingolf Ewald has donated one of his most famous paintings to the Fowl Ball auction.

“Wisdom Rejects Beauty,” which has hung for years in a gallery outside The Park, will be on the auction block on May 31, and will help to fund the new Avian retirement home.

In a short announcement this morning, Fowl Ball organizer Rafael Ortega expressed his “profound” gratitude to Ewald, calling him “an extraordinarily generous artist” who has shared not only his work but his time and enthusiasm with residents of The Park.

Ewald, who is known as a recluse, first arrived in The Park to open The Park Museum of Contemporary Art’s 2015 exhibition, “Art of the Domestic Feline.” In addition to opening the exhibition, Ewald lent his most famous painting, “Plumpen Rolletariat” to it. He followed that visit with another secret visit in 2016 and earlier this month, he painted live for six days at the PMoCA’s “ARCHONOGRAPHY.”

The artist himself will transport “Wisdom Rejects Beauty” to The Park in mid-May and it will hang in the PMoCA until the end of the month, when it will be moved to the Ball’s headquarters.

Ronald Grouse declares war on Metaphor, Hyperbole, and Manipulation

By

mwm-posterRonald Grouse has declared war. But we’ll only be able to print that until Monday.

Just a few days before the start of Park media’s Month Without Metaphor (MWM), The Avian Messenger’s chief political analyst and newly-elected MWM director held a press conference this morning in which he himself used the war metaphor. And many more.

“It’s time we declared war on some of the tools that media use,” he said. “We need to communicate better and more effectively. We need straight talk: just the facts, no hyperbole. And we need to stop manipulating our readers. Our job is to inform, not to perform,” he said.

Grouse, who has in the past criticized the direction in which Park media appeared to be headed, said he is looking forward to May’s event.

“I look forward to steering Month Without Metaphor toward success,” he said. “The challenges we face as Park citizens are serious ones that require us to be clear-eyed and open-minded. I hope to be able to engage the hearts and minds of readers and listeners and build momentum toward creating a more honest and open media that will help with the problems we face.”

Not just for the Birds: April’s Stereotype Sunday theme will be Avians

By

flock-birdsThe theme of this month’s Stereotype Sunday will be Birds.

The announcement was made this morning in a joint press statement issued by the Archons and the Department of Well-Being and Safety.

“On April 30, we’ll have the opportunity to flock together at our monthly themed Stereotype Sunday. We look forward to seeing you there to gain new understanding and express our appreciation of The Park’s Avian population,” the statement said.

The statement also confirmed rumours that The Feral Four had accepted an invitation to speak at the event. The Feline band, who made a moving speech at the first annual Fowl Ball, has worked tirelessly over the past few years to rehabilitate the reputation of Felines vis à vis Avians, including donating a set of their song lyrics to the Feline charity, CatsCare.

Performances by The Canary Cousins, Banded Brothers, The Tweeters,  SCENTient Beings and Belles and Whistles were also confirmed in the announcement. Rapper Jargonhead, however, confirmed his own performance via social media.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

January 2026
M T W T F S S
 1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728293031