The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

It’s June! Here’s what happened in The Park during May’s days

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RecapCornelio Lontra wins big at yesterday’s Toe-Hair Contest

Park Museum’s Flyball exhibition to open at noon on Sunday May 8

Mating Dance selfies posted on web by Humans: DWBS

Fowl Ball fully hatched: organizer touts mature event for 2016

Squeakeasy Tuesdays: Is it poetry or is it polemic?

Stand-alone education advocates use buttons to kick off new campaign

Farmers threaten to boycott Friday’s Agrarian Jubilee over food-finding apps

Eggie and The Pigs, Weather Makers, pull out of Anixi Agrarian Jubilee

Beasts of Burden surprise farmers, tech companies with offer of pub for meeting

Park Museum confirms basketball theft

Month Without Metaphor organizer: “We’re losing ground, minute by minute.”

Just For a Lark: Groomer offers non-Avians feathery makeovers for Fowl Ball

Memes of Production seize the Jubilee—and the day

Tabby Club accused of discrimination

University of West Terrier announces Commencement Day speaker

Tabby Club accused of discrimination

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The Tabby ClubTabby Club proprietor Tab Tricolore is calling accusations of discrimination against his pub “ridiculous” and vowed today to maintain what he calls the “integrity” of his establishment.

The accusations were made Wednesday by Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros. According to Tavros, he asked Tricolore in person to allow him to enter The Tabby Club, but Tricolore refused.

Tricolore does not deny that he refused entry to Tavros, nor does he regret it. Instead, he says, he stands by his decision, despite the #BullintheTabbyClub campaign that Tavros began today on Twitter.

“I don’t know what Tavros is up to. Maybe his ratings are down or maybe he’s simply bored. I don’t know what game he’s playing, but it is a game and it has no place in a serious Park,” Tricolore said on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

The Tabby Club was established as a striped-only pub by Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoorcacy. Jor said that he opened it as a Tabbies-only pub because, at that time, Tabbies couldn’t get a drink or a meal at any other establishment in The Park. The pub’s employees kept it afloat for years after Jor’s death, until Tricolore assumed ownership in 2010. promising to keep the employees and the pub as it was.

Tricolore said today that he stands by that promise and by what he said in a 2013 interview with The Mammalian Daily:

“I’m not against keeping it exclusive for a while, just to remind us that this Park is a work in progress. We’re not finished, by any means. And The Tabby Club kind of proves that.”

Memes of Production seize the Jubilee—and the day

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Memes of Production

Spellbinding: Memes of Production play their hit song, “Carpe Diem” at Anixi Agrarian Jubilee

Can it be only a week ago that the Memes of Production took over the Anixi Agrarian Jubilee and made it their own?

How many of us thought the annual Spring event would wither and die without Eggie and the Pigs as the opening act, and the stars of the day— The Park’s farmers— nowhere to be seen?

Yet, in stepped this group of musicians whose recordings, all told, number four. Yes, four, all of which the group, itself, recorded. Under most circumstances, these Animals would never be invited to such an important event.

But they stepped in, where other musicians refused to tread. And, for good reason, it must be said. Still, the Memes went to great pains to clarify their position: they were there simply as musicians, having been asked by the Jubilee’s chief organizer Miriam Wapiti, to “save the day.”

But the Memes did much more than that. As their signature song says, they seized the day. By interspersing covers of some of The Park’s best—and least political— songs with riffs on their own, including “Sign of the Thymes: An Herbal Tick,” the group managed to keep attendees enthralled and the Jubilee, well, jubilant.

Kudos to the Memes, whose success and ability did not go unnoticed, either by Park citizens or by its record companies. Rumour has it that Hoofer Records, who signed The Beasts of Burden well over a decade ago, has offered them their first recording contract.

Park Museum confirms basketball theft

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Flyball and the Importance of Balls in the Everyday Life of Park Animals

The basketball seen above was stolen from The Park Museum last night, police say

BREAKING NEWS

The basketball that belongs to Mammalian Daily sports columnist and balls specialist Bailey has disappeared from The Park Museum.

The ball—seen in the middle at the top of the display at left— was lent to the museum by Bailey and formed an important part of the “Flyball and the Importance of Balls in the Everyday Life of Park Animals” exhibit, which opened on May 8.

In a joint statement released early this morning, the museum and Park Police confirmed the overnight burglary.

“We regret to inform the public that The Park Museum will be closed today, as a result of an overnight burglary. Park Police will be on site for the duration of the day, gathering evidence and speaking to witnesses. Any Animal who has any knowledge of this crime or who saw anything suspicious in the area surrounding the museum yesterday afternoon, evening, or overnight, should contact Park Police right away,” the statement said.

All lands around the museum have been cordoned off for the investigation. A spokesAnimal for the police said they hoped to recover the ball as soon as possible.

“The first few hours are crucial and although the crime was not discovered until very early this morning, we are hopeful that we’ll be able to recover the ball intact today,” she said.

Stand-alone education advocates use buttons to kick off new campaign

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STUPIDITY ButtonMr. Justice Augustus Dindon usually keeps to himself, but this weekend we’ll be seeing his image everywhere, if a new pro-education group has its way.

The group, which calls itself “Park Citizens for Stand-Alone Education,” has used the judge’s image and his most recent ruling that all Animals have the right to remain stupid, to kick off their campaign in favour of building stand-alone educational institutions for The Park’s young.

In a statement released this morning, the group says that it’s high time the Archons faced the truth about education in The Park.

“We’ve been talking around this issue for some time and nothing has been done to improve the quality of education here [in The Park]. We are taking the issue to Park citizens, to the Archons and to the budget committee and Park Finance Officer Abeja. We need to provide quality education for our young in a separate environment from their home and we need to see to it immediately,” says the statement, which was written by Domoina Fossa, the group’s head.

Fossa has some experience in this area. As a professor at the F. Varrah Flanagan School of Education at the University of West Terrier and the head researcher of a study commissioned by the 2011 Archons, she concluded that the majority of Park Animals were home-schooled and that “this type of system does not work in a modern Park, with so many species trying to live together harmoniously.”

Fossa says she still stands by that opinion.

“We believe the interspecial strife that has escalated over the past few years could be mitigated by introducing Animals to other species at an early point in their lives. And in addition to that, we believe that using trained teachers is the best way to impart knowledge. Not all parents are capable of doing that,” she says.

The group will be out in full force over the weekend, handing out buttons and talking to citizens about education and the future of The Park.

“I can’t wait to get going on this campaign. The future is now,” says Fossa.

Squeakeasy Tuesdays: is it poetry or is it polemic?

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owl reading

Tuesday nights at the Squeakeasy used to be about the art of poetry.

Poets—young and old, professional and amateur, aspiring and established—flocked to the pub to read their latest creations. It was a safe place to get some feedback on your work.

“You could see and hear the response to your poetry immediately. The audience was very opinionated and they were known for that. If they didn’t understand or they thought they had a better idea, they’d tell you. And it was honest and that’s what made it valuable. It wasn’t tied in with anything else. It was just the writing,” poet Winston Wombat told The Mammalian Daily.

But these days, it seems things are different. Organizers are wary of discussing it openly, but poets themselves admit the priorities have changed.

“It’s gone from the lyrical to the polemical. Everything has become more political,” says Setsuko Macaque, the award-winning haiku poet who is revered throughout The Park.

“Even the audience has changed. It depends on who is reading that week. That’s not how it used to be. Before, the place would be full because the audience wanted to hear poetry. Now, it’s this group or that group, this poet’s or that poet’s followers. It’s all different, ” she says.

Poet Marcus Mosquito agrees.

“You didn’t pick and choose. You came here to hear new poems and, obviously, to have a drink. But you were open to new things, new ideas. Now it’s shut down. If it’s not your poet, if it’s not your point of view, you won’t be here. I think that’s a very closed-minded way to be.”

Mating Dance selfies posted on web by Humans: DWBS

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Cow selfie

Mating Dance selfies posted by Humans on web constitute a danger to us all: DWBS

BREAKING NEWS

The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has launched an investigation into the posting on the internet of selfies and other photos that were taken during Thursday’s Mating Dance.

At a late night press conference yesterday, DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo announced the investigation.

“The Department of Well-Being and Safety has launched a full-scale investigation into the posting of photos taken by Park Animals at the annual Mating Dance on Thursday May 5. At the same time, the Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) of the Park Police and the Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS) have begun their own, independent inquiry. The DWBS intends to cooperate fully with Park Police and to share our findings with them,” Kakapo said.

The DWBS became aware of the photos early yesterday morning, according to Kakapo.

“We were alerted to their existence by one of the Animals whose photos appear on a web site. We subsequently determined that this web site is owned by Humans,” he said.

Kakapo described the photos as “private and intimate” and said the Animal who reported them does not wish to be named.

“It is beyond disturbing that this has happened and we consider this type of behaviour to be a clear and present danger to all Park Animals,” he said.

TMD’s Haas on no-name policy: “We have to honour our reporters’ contracts”

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ContractsThe Mammalian Daily’s longstanding policy of not naming its reporters has continued because of the terms of its journalists’ contracts, it has been revealed.

Facing a herd of reporters at a press conference yesterday morning, Orphea Haas admitted that the newspaper has “suffered greatly” from the policy and is now experiencing a decline in readership.

“Not all of our troubles are due to this policy, but some of them are. We admit that the criticism we’ve faced is valid. The policy is outdated and not in keeping with our ethos of transparency, but we haven’t been in a position to change it, at least as far as our current employees are concerned,” she said.

Haas confirmed that new employees will sign “revamped” contracts that will include the publication of their name and, if they agree, their species.

“We do not believe that printing a reporter’s species is essential to transparency. Thus, we will give every journalist the opportunity to decline.”

On the issue of declaring species, Haas emphasized that The Mammalian Daily was in a unique position, since so many different species were qualified to work there.

“This isn’t as big an issue for The Reptile Register or, indeed, for The Equine Echo. But the possibilities [of species identification] are so much broader for us,” she said.

As for May’s Month Without Metaphor, Haas confirmed her newspaper’s support of the project and urged all Park media to participate in the event.

“It is a wonderful opportunity for us to take a critical look at what we say and how we say it. We have supported the event from the get-go and we intend to do so in the future,” she said.

TMD’s Haas on no-name policy: “We have to honour our reporters’ contracts”

By

The Mammalian Daily’s longstanding policy of not naming its reporters has continued because of the terms of its journalists’ contracts, it has been revealed.

Facing a herd of reporters at a press conference yesterday morning, Orphea Haas admitted that the newspaper has “suffered greatly” from the policy and is now experiencing a decline in readership.

“Not all of our troubles are due to this policy, but some of them are. We admit that the criticism we’ve faced is valid. The policy is outdated and not in keeping with our ethos of transparency, but we haven’t been in a position to change it, at least as far as our current employees are concerned,” she said.

Haas confirmed that new employees will sign “revamped” contracts that will include the publication of their name and, if they agree, their species.

“We do not believe that printing a reporter’s species is essential to transparency. Thus, we will give every journalist the opportunity to decline.”

On the issue of declaring species, Haas emphasized that The Mammalian Daily was in a unique position, since so many different species were qualified to work there.

“This isn’t as big an issue for The Reptile Register or, indeed, for The Equine Echo. But the possibilities [of species identification] are so much broader for us,” she said.

As for May’s Month Without Metaphor, Haas confirmed her newspaper’s support of the project and urged all Park media to participate in the event.

“It is a wonderful opportunity for us to take a critical look at what we say and how we say it. We have supported the event from the get-go and we intend to do so in the future,” she said.

Court reaffirms right to remain stupid

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Mr Justice Augustus DindonIn a landmark decision handed down this morning, Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court kept alive the vision of The Park’s founder and reaffirmed the right of every Animal to remain stupid.

The decision, which will be posted in full outside the Court House tomorrow, came after a deliberation of more than five months. The decision was in response to an action brought by a collective that included the Park Education Working Collective (PEWC), the heads of admission of all The Park’s educational institutions, professionals from the Extinction Anxiety Clinic, and one hundred Animals known as the “concerned conglomerate.”

In their action, the collective argued that increasing apathy among the citizenry and the lack of formal education undermine the survival and prosperity of The Park. They asked the court to supersede the Archons and enact a law requiring all Park citizens to attend school.

The collective’s argument before the court in October was kept a secret from all except those directly involved in the proceedings. That decision was made to prevent the collective from initiating an awareness campaign they believed might sway the court’s decision.

During the deliberation period, Justice Dindon accepted submissions from The Department of Well-Being and Safety, the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, and from medical and psychological experts on both sides of the argument. In addition, he called on Park historians to, as he said, “help me understand the founding vision of The Park.”

In the opening paragraph of the decision, Justice Dindon said he relied heavily on these words of Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy: “We cannot force our views upon the citizenry; we can only inspire them to look beyond themselves and aid them in their search for a just and better life for all.”

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