The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

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OTD in 2014—Weather Office to Polar Bear Poetry Picnickers: prepare for a soggy bottom

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Varied weatherThe Park Weather Office has issued a warning to those who plan to attend this year’s Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic: prepare for a soggy bottom.

“This year’s extended Winter season, coupled with record amounts of precipitation and a delayed thaw, have conspired to leave The Park a mushy mess,” the PWO said in a press statement released this morning.

“Every year presents its challenges,” said the event’s chief organizer Seymour K. Worthington Polar Bear, at a press conference today.

“Last year, with all the protests in The Park, we thought we’d have to protect ourselves. This year, it looks like it’s the poetry we’ll have to protect — from the elements,” he laughed.

Polar Bear, who  is currently serving his second year of a three-year term, said he was confident that attendance levels would not be affected by the weather.

“We have a group of wonderful poets lined up and a wonderful audience. My guess is they won’t give the weather a second thought,” he said.

OTD in 2013—Police investigate infiltration of “Friends of Hieronymous”

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Above is Park Police artist’s rendering of suspicious LAdeH members.

Something is rotten inside the LAdeH (“Les Amis de Hieronymous”), otherwise known as The Friends of Hieronymous, and Park Police have been working to uncover its identity.

At a press conference held this morning, Serge Malinois, spokesAnimal for Park Police, outlined details of an “intensive” investigation that, he said, has been ongoing since February 12 of this year.

“The timing is significant, of course,” Malinois said, referring to the controversy that ensued when Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros made some derogatory remarks about Hieronymous Hedgehog on his radio show that same day.

Immediately afterwards, a group calling itself Les Amis de Hieronymous sprang into action, demanding a formal on-air apology from Tavros. When it became apparent that the apology would not be forthcoming, the group became, in Malinois’ words, “aggressive, belligerent, and downright dangerous.” Group members took to the streets, protesting against both Tavros and the radio station, until the station was forced to suspend Tavros. With that success under their belts, the group members set their sights on undermining Park citizens’ confidence in their police force.

“It came to a head at the Return of the Nut,” Malinois explained at the press conference. When six of the 400 Animals arrested at the ceremony filed complaints against Park police officer Gareth Shepherd, alleging that he had bitten them repeatedly as he pushed them into a vehicle bound for the police station, “we knew something had gone awry,” Malinois said.

It wasn’t just that Shepherd is president of the Federation of Canine Security Workers and a well-respected member of the force. It was the coincidence that all six complainants were members of the LAdeH.

“A total of 400 Animals were arrested at that event, but only those from the LAdeH filed complaints,” Malinois said.

By the time the arrests were made (February 20), the investigators had compiled a “thick file” of information about the group and its members. They also had been able to confirm with Hieronymous Hedgehog that he had had no contact with the group and that he knew none of the six Animals who had filed complaints against Shepherd.

“What we are looking at here, we believe, are members of an anti-zoocratic group that has operated outside The Park for many years. This is the first time that we know of that their members have been able to infiltrate The Park. We are working closely with our contacts outside The Park to confirm our suspicions,” he said.

Malinois declined to answer questions regarding the fate of the suspects, who continue to be held in custody, nor would he confirm rumours that the charges against Shepherd will be dropped in the near future.

OTD in 2016—Yannis Tavros threatens to reveal names of Mammalian Daily reporters

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YannisTavros BREAKING NEWS

The Mammalian Daily has its lawyers poised to file a cease and desist order if Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros makes good on his promise to reveal the names of all of the newspaper’s journalists.

In a tweet this morning, Tavros said he planned to reveal the name of one journalist per day until he has named them all:

Tavros tweet

In an earlier tweet, the talk show host asked his followers if they agreed that it was time for the newspaper to reveal the names and species of its reporters. Tavros also claimed last week on his radio show that ninety per cent of Park Animals think it’s time for the paper to make the move toward transparency. He claimed the figure of ninety per cent came from a poll that he commissioned in February, just after Groundhog Day.

“The Animals of this Park have spoken and The Mammalian Daily should listen,” Tavros said in closing his show last Thursday.

In a statement issued an hour after the tweet was posted, TMD Managing Editor Orphea Haas said she would not be bullied into changing the paper’s longstanding policy of anonymous reporting.

“The Mammalian Daily will not bow to pressure from outsiders, particularly those who demonstrate a profound lack of journalistic integrity. When and if our editorial team decides to change our longstanding policy of anonymous reporting, it will be as a result of deep thought, full discussion, and conviction, It will not be the result of bullying,” the statement said.

Tavros has thus far not responded to Haas’s statement, nor has he indicated when he intends to begin naming the reporters.

OTD in 2014—Chief Archon Buckminster Moose: The Interview, Part Two

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BUCKMINSTER MOOSE

Chief Archon Buckminster Moose

MAMMALIAN DAILY EXCLUSIVE

This is Part Two of The Mammalian Daily’s exclusive interview with 2014 Chief Archon Buckminster Moose. Click here to read Part One.

As the 2014 Chief Archon shifts his weight in the big lounge chair, the full burden of his new job becomes obvious.

“It’s a great responsibility,” he sighs. “And one that I believe hasn’t been taken seriously enough these past few years.”

Moose pulls no punches when it comes to his assessment of some of The Park’s previous governments.

“Tourism, controlling our citizens, pandering to Humans…this is not the work our government should be engaged in,” he declares.

The Chief Archon has his priorities and these do not include any of the above. Instead, the two issues that are foremost on his mind are equality among Animals and a decent standard of living for all who reside here.

Lest one think this should be easy to achieve, Moose explains otherwise.

“Because we are no longer a new zoocracy — we are a young zoocracy, but not a new one — we are running into problems that even Jor [The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy) could not have anticipated,” he says.

“There is now a certain tension between those who were here before, some of whom established this great Park, and those who have arrived more recently.”

Moose, who is himself a second generation Park citizen, says he finds the situation disturbing, “but not surprising.”

“We are all a bit territorial at heart,” he says. “And, once we’ve been here for a while, once we have left our mark on a place, we do tend to think of it as ours and we’re naturally a bit wary of those who come after us — those who might alter it in some way, or even those who benefit from what has been our life’s work. It’s not as if we’re not generous or we don’t want to share; we are and we do. But that doesn’t stop us from claiming certain things as our own and being offended when newcomers want to lay claim to them, as well.”

Moose says he doesn’t have “the ultimate solution” to The Park’s problems, but he does believe that returning to the basic tenets of zoocracy, to the principles that were put in place by Jor, is the right place to start.

“We need to remember where we came from and the reason we established this Park. We need to cohere. We can’t break apart and become, as we seem to be doing, separate beings, each trying to outdo the next. That will only destroy what we worked so hard to create,” he says.

This interview appears here in a condensed form. The full interview will be published later in the month.

OTD in 2017—Archons set to restrict Animals’ right to leave Park: rumour

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Bird On TravelingBREAKING NEWS
The 2017 Archons may be planning to enact legislation that restricts Park Animals’ right to leave The Park.

According to a post dated today on the gossip web site headsNtales, the Archons are considering unprecedented measures to restrict the free movement of Park citizens, as well as the free flow of goods.

Site co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo quotes “sources close to the Archons” as saying that talks are underway with legal and financial consultants to determine the feasibility of travel  and trade restrictions.

According to Guacamayo’s sources, the main problem appears to be the lack of power that Park legal representatives have in matters affecting Animals who have been charged or detained outside The Park.

That lack of power was the subject of a panel discussion this morning on Mammalian Daily Radio. During the discussion, University of West Terrier Law Professor Fionnula Fox, an expert in Extra-Hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park) told the panel, “It does not lie within our jurisdiction to represent Park Animals who have been charged with some form of wrongdoing outside The Park. Nor are we able to prosecute Humans on their own lands who have wronged Park Animals.”

According to Fox, the legal problem has given birth to a financial burden that Park Archons say the budget is not equipped to deal with.

“Without legal standing outside The Park, we must use the resources of our police and other specialized forces to extricate Park Animals from detention. Many see this as not just a financial burden, but a misuse or unnecessary use of our limited resources,” she said.

Although Fox did not say whether she agreed with the direction the Archons are said to be taking, she said trade restrictions might be a step in the right direction.

“Right now, we have to rely on the goodwill of Humans. We have to convince them to cooperate with us. Restricting their access to our goods might be one way of bringing more balance to the situation,” she said.

OTD in 2010—Thousands rally against calendar harmonization

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Thousands of Animals flooded The Park’s grounds today to demonstrate their opposition to new legislation that many believe will negatively affect life in The Park.

The legislation, whose formal name is “The Calendar Harmonization Act” (“An Act to harmonize The Park’s calendar with that of the calendar or calendars used outside The Park and to amend certain Acts in consequence thereof”) is scheduled to come into effect later this month. According to the 28 AZ Archons’ latest press release, however, “the full impact of the Act will not be felt in The Park until 29 AZ.”

Although there has been much discussion about a change to a harmonized calendar, Park citizens were taken by surprise this month when the Archons announced their plans to act on the idea. That announcement has resulted in a spate of criticism from a number of The Park’s citizen aid and action associations.

“We’re all for change, but this is too sudden and too soon,” declared Carlisle Chameleon, whose group, Lizards for Liberty, was well-represented at the rally.

“We believe in change, but in a more gradual way and we think the citizenry should have a chance to respond when it’s a change as big as this,” he said.

That sentiment was echoed by members of other groups who were in attendance. Rowena Goose, president of the vocal Association for the Preservation of Individual Currencies (APIC), told The Mammalian Daily that her group is adamantly opposed to any kind of harmonization.

“It’s just a first step, but that step leads downhill, mark my words. Next, it will be currency amalgamation, then currency harmonization and, before you know it, there will tail croppings, stripe swappings, our dams will be torpedoed, and you’ll see Humans living in The Park. They say it’s for the good of commerce, but it will do us no good — that’s for sure,” she said.

Not all Park Animals are against the new law, however. Mason L. Tortoise, head of the Small Animal Reform Group, says he believes a harmonized calendar is “the only reasonable response to an ever-changing world that is opening up all around us.”

Noticeably absent from the demonstration today were several groups representing The Park’s hibernating communities. A spokesanimal for the Idiosyncratic Hibernators of The Park (IHOP), said his members appreciated the fact that the Archons had waited until the end of hibernation to make the announcement.

“If they’d wanted to be devious about it, they’d have done it during hibernation, when a significant portion of The Park’s population was asleep. Instead, they waited, so I don’t see why some Animals think they’re trying to put one over on us,” he said.

For their part, the Archons say they are committed to providing full disclosure of the contents of the legislation. Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons, confirmed today that plans are underway to conduct several “open meetings” with Park residents to enable them to understand the changes that are about to happen.

“This is a step-by-step process and we plan to offer a step-by-step explanation of it,” he said.

OTD in 2016—No-biting rule suspended for police at Saturday’s Return of the Nut: gossip site

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DEVELOPING STORY

The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has agreed to suspend the longstanding no-biting rule for Park Police who are on duty at Sunday’s Return of the Nut ceremonies, according to the gossip site headsNtales.

In a post dated this afternoon, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo says a source told her the decision was made in consultation with the Archons and the Park Police Force.

The source cited “the recent outbreak of violence at the celebration of the birth of The Park’s first leader, in combination with a generally volatile environment” as the reasons for the change in the longstanding policy that forbids police officers from biting alleged offenders.

According to the site, it was the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) that requested the change in policy which, it says, will be in effect from ten in the morning on Sunday, February 21 until two in the morning on Monday, February 22.

No comment has been made thus far by the DWBS or by the FCSW regarding the matter. A Mammalian Daily request for more  information from the Office of the Archons remained unanswered at the time of this article’s publication.

OTD in 2016—Gunnar Rotte, Douglas Cheetah to debate tomorrow on Yannis Tavros show

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YannisTavros Two days before The Park celebrates the Return of the Nut, Gunnar Rotte and Douglas Cheetah will face off against each other on the Yannis Tavros show in a debate on the merits of sortition.

In a press release issued this morning, Toro Talk Radio, Tavros’s home station, confirmed the debate, which will be broadcast live an hour after his usual call-in show.

In an advertisement that ran in both social and traditional media, the radio station invited listeners to have their say “ahead of time and ahead of the pack,” by calling into the Tavros show tomorrow.

The debate is sure to be a heated one. Rotte will argue for maintaining sortition, the lottery that selects The Park’s government every year. Cheetah, the renowned director and vocal critic of sortition who joined the Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP) last year, will argue not only for the abolition of sortition, but for the establishment of free elections in The Park.

OTD in 2017—Off the docket: Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon postpones February court

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Mr Justice Augustus DindonBREAKING NEWS The office of Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon issued a statement today advising all concerned parties that the trials and hearings over which he was to preside in the remaining days of February will be postponed until March or later.

No reason for the postponement was cited in the statement, but sources close to Justice Dindon tell The Mammalian Daily that he has been feeling ill since Groundhog Day and that he is taking a few days off “on the advice of Dr. Bourru.”

Justice Dindon has kept a rigorous schedule over the past few years. As the only justice serving on The Park’s Superior Court for the past ten years, he has presided over thousands of trials. Despite that, he has resisted calls to hire an assistant justice. In an interview in late 2016, the justice said that he wasn’t against slowing down “at some point,” and might do so when he found “the right fit” for his court, but that he preferred to keep the lower court justices in place and continue presiding over the Superior Court.

The seven February trials and hearings that have been postponed include the request by Thisbe and the Barkettes for a cease and desist order against Halcyon Days Canine Coiffure. No dates have yet been set for the postponed court business.

OTD in 2016—Politics, violence mar celebration of the birth of The Park’s first leader

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Jailed Elephant Jailed CatThe celebration of the birth of The Park’s first leader turned ugly yesterday when political arguments among residents resulted in violence that sent a number of Animals to jail or to hospital.

The full-day holiday recognizes the birth of Jor, whose vision of Animal self-rule brought us modern zoocracy. The occasion is usually a solemn one, but this year it was made less so by arguments about sortition, the so-called lottery method by which the Archons who form our government are selected. A growing number of citizens have become disenchanted with sortition over the past few years and proponents of its abolition have become increasingly vocal and aggressive.

“Park residents are known to be passionate about their politics, and we’ve usually seen this as a good thing, a healthy thing,” said Gareth Shepherd, President of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW), who was in attendance at the event when violence broke out.

“But this sortition argument just got plain ugly. It started with words, and then it turned physical.”

According to police accounts, the violence escalated to the point where arrests became necessary.

“The verbal attacks were bad enough, but the physical blows…we had to stop it,” said one officer who wished not to be named.

At the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, the triaging lasted until well into the evening, with many patients resisting treatment in order to rejoin the fight.

“Even as they lay bleeding, they refused to restrain themselves from invective,” said Hermione Hippo, the hospital’s head nurse.

“We had to separate quite a number of Animals,” she said.

Balthasar Alouatta, spokesAnimal for the Archons, confirmed this morning that Chief Archon Raymond Mink will formally address the violence later this week.

“He—and all the Archons— are both horrified and mystified by this violence and they mean to stop it in its tracks,” Alouatta said.

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