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OTD in 2016—DWBS to Archons, PFO: Increase aid to immigrants, domestication survivors

June 27, 2025 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Animal Aid RaccoonAs Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM) draws to a close, the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has embarked on a new campaign to encourage the Archons and the Park Finance Office to allocate more funding to aid immigrants and the survivors of domestication.

In an open letter to the Archons and to PFO head Valentina Abeja, the DWBS cited alarming statistics that suggest that The Park may soon be home to many tens of thousands of Animals who have either escaped enforced domestication or found themselves homeless after the closing of a number of Human-run zoological parks.

“It is imperative that we prepare for this incoming wave of desperate Animals. It is our duty to ensure their safety and security,” the letter states.

The DWBS says there is plenty of time to increase funding for aid, since the 2017 budget likely will not be finalized until late August.

While not openly criticizing Abeja for her first budget, the DWBS suggested the PFO head take a “deeper and broader” look at The Park’s population and at circumstances outside The Park.

“Last year’s budget allocated a mere four percent to immigration and refugee support. This was, at the very least, somewhat naïve and short-sighted,” the letter says.

The DWBS has acknowledged the upcoming meeting of the Archons and the PFO head, which is scheduled for next Wednesday.

“It is our hope that this item will be first on their agenda,” DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo told The Mammalian Daily.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, On This Day, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime, Whoa! Braking News Tagged With: 2017 budget, domestication survivors, immigrant aid, refugee aid

OTD in 2017—Noreen, UWT law professor launch Domestic Empowerment Initiative

June 15, 2025 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Official NoreenNoreen has embarked on a new venture.

The Mammalian Daily advice columnist and University of West Terrier adjunct professor of Human Studies has partnered with Chittenden School of Law professor Fionnula Fox to help Animals currently living in a domestic situation with Humans gain more control over their possessions and estates.

After conducting a study last year that concluded that domestic Animals had virtually no control over their possessions, Fox—a specialist in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park)—invited Noreen to work with her on rectifying what she calls a “dismal situation” for domestic Animals.

“I thought we’d make a great pair in this regard,” she told The Mammalian Daily. “I was sure that if we combined Noreen’s deep knowledge and understanding of Humans and my knowledge of the law outside The Park, we’d be able to come up with the perfect solution.”

Whether that solution is perfect remains to be seen, but the confident pair will unveil the first part of its Domestic Empowerment Initiative (DEI) on June 22, fittingly during Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM).

The University of West Terrier’s Chittenden School of Law will host the Q&A event and forms for wills and booklets on estate planning will be given out free of charge to all Animals.

Both Fox and Noreen know the risks involved in trying to change Humans’ views and behaviour, but they’re both confident it can be done over time.

“For the sake of domestic Animals, we have to adopt a slow and gentle approach with Humans,” says Fox. “Because the truth is we have no legal basis to force them to do anything.”

Filed Under: Breaking News, Education, Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM), On This Day, Politics/Law/Crime Tagged With: control over possessions, domestic animals, domestic empowerment initiative, empowerment, wills and estates

OTD in 2016—Park Museum confirms basketball theft

May 22, 2025 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Flyball and the Importance of Balls in the Everyday Life of Park Animals

The basketball seen above was stolen from The Park Museum last night, police say

BREAKING NEWS

The basketball that belongs to Mammalian Daily sports columnist and balls specialist Bailey has disappeared from The Park Museum.

The ball—seen in the middle at the top of the display at left— was lent to the museum by Bailey and formed an important part of the “Flyball and the Importance of Balls in the Everyday Life of Park Animals” exhibit, which opened on May 8.

In a joint statement released early this morning, the museum and Park Police confirmed the overnight burglary.

“We regret to inform the public that The Park Museum will be closed today, as a result of an overnight burglary. Park Police will be on site for the duration of the day, gathering evidence and speaking to witnesses. Any Animal who has any knowledge of this crime or who saw anything suspicious in the area surrounding the museum yesterday afternoon, evening, or overnight, should contact Park Police right away,” the statement said.

All lands around the museum have been cordoned off for the investigation. A spokesAnimal for the police said they hoped to recover the ball as soon as possible.

“The first few hours are crucial and although the crime was not discovered until very early this morning, we are hopeful that we’ll be able to recover the ball intact today,” she said.

Filed Under: Breaking News, On This Day, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture Tagged With: basketball, crime, park museum, theft

OTD in 2012—Has Anixi Agrarian Jubilee become too politicized?

May 20, 2025 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

A day after the most successful and best-attended Agrarian Jubilee in history, a menacing question hangs in the air: is the annual celebration becoming too politicized?

Organizers of the event, which marks the beginning of The Park’s growing season, sniff at the suggestion.

“I see no evidence of that [politicization] at all,” said Miriam Wapiti, the celebration’s chief organizer, at a post-event party. “With the numbers we get, there will always be those who see this as an opportunity to further their cause, but they’ll always be a small minority,” she said.

Not so, says Gareth Shepherd, President of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) and a Guard Dog who was on duty during the Jubilee.

“We had to call in reinforcements, so many scuffles broke out…even among members of the [same] organization. It was three times more difficult to keep the peace and provide security this year than last year,” he said.

Sylvana Rana, of the anti-election group, Save Our Political System (SOPS), concurs with Shepherd’s view, though she sees it in a more favourable light:

“We signed up more Animals at the Jubilee than we have in the last five months,” she said.

Keeva Moffatt, President of the Spotted Skunk Sedan Patrol, said she counted representatives of so many organizations that “I lost count after a couple of hours.”

“I know there were at least twenty,” he said.

Even so, according to Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, the Jubilee went off “without a hitch.”

“There were no deaths, injuries, or serious incidents. I’ve seen much worse, even on Groundhog Day,” she said.

Filed Under: Breaking News, On This Day, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime

OTD in 2016—Stand-alone education advocates use buttons to kick off new campaign

May 13, 2025 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

STUPIDITY ButtonMr. Justice Augustus Dindon usually keeps to himself, but this weekend we’ll be seeing his image everywhere, if a new pro-education group has its way.

The group, which calls itself “Park Citizens for Stand-Alone Education,” has used the judge’s image and his most recent ruling that all Animals have the right to remain stupid, to kick off their campaign in favour of building stand-alone educational institutions for The Park’s young.

In a statement released this morning, the group says that it’s high time the Archons faced the truth about education in The Park.

“We’ve been talking around this issue for some time and nothing has been done to improve the quality of education here [in The Park]. We are taking the issue to Park citizens, to the Archons and to the budget committee and Park Finance Officer Abeja. We need to provide quality education for our young in a separate environment from their home and we need to see to it immediately,” says the statement, which was written by Domoina Fossa, the group’s head.

Fossa has some experience in this area. As a professor at the F. Varrah Flanagan School of Education at the University of West Terrier and the head researcher of a study commissioned by the 2011 Archons, she concluded that the majority of Park Animals were home-schooled and that “this type of system does not work in a modern Park, with so many species trying to live together harmoniously.”

Fossa says she still stands by that opinion.

“We believe the interspecial strife that has escalated over the past few years could be mitigated by introducing Animals to other species at an early point in their lives. And in addition to that, we believe that using trained teachers is the best way to impart knowledge. Not all parents are capable of doing that,” she says.

The group will be out in full force over the weekend, handing out buttons and talking to citizens about education and the future of The Park.

“I can’t wait to get going on this campaign. The future is now,” says Fossa.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Education, On This Day, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime Tagged With: education, ignorance, public schooling, stupidity

OTD in 2017—DWBS “disappointed” that Mating Dance selfie warnings not heeded

May 12, 2025 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Pig SelfieFor the second year in a row, selfies and other photos of Park Animals that were taken during last Friday’s Mating Dance have been posted on the internet.

“It appears that our repeated warnings to Park Animals to take precautions against Humans photographing them taking selfies fell on deaf ears,” said Cornelius Kakapo, Director of Public Relations for the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), at a press conference this morning.

While Kakapo confirmed that a second investigation has been launched into the posting of Mating Dance photos, he was quick to emphasize that little could be done about the problem at this point.

“This is about prevention, not about cure,” he said. “The time to do something about it is before it happens. We have no way of forcing Humans to remove the pictures from their sites. We can only do our best to prevent it. ”

Kakapo said the department had received legal advice and was told that although under Park law the posting of these photos is considered a hate crime, Park Animals have no ability to pursue their legal rights outside The Park.

“Unfortunately, that is the case,” explained Fionnula L. Fox, professor of law at the University of West Terrier and a specialist in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park) on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

“It does not lie within our jurisdiction to prosecute Humans who reside outside The Park.”

Filed Under: Breaking News, On This Day, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime Tagged With: Humans, mating dance selfies

OTD in 2007—25 years of zoocracy bring tears, cheers, and calls for reform

April 20, 2025 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

ParkAnimalsSwaying to the strains of the Endeka Elephant Band, Ute Orangutan was moved to shed a tear when she spoke about her maternal grandparents, Zanneke and Carlton Orangutan. The Orangs, who fled persecution in their native land, were among The Park’s first citizens.

“They settled here because they believed that, in The Park, they could build a better life,” she said. “I will always be grateful to them…and I will always feel a sense of responsibility to The Park.”

Such sentiments were not unique during the two-day celebration this Winter that marked the 25th anniversary of zoocracy in The Park.

For Jacinta Kri-Kri, the highlight of the occasion was the unveiling of the monument to Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy. With her Kids in tow, the Kri-Kri made a dedication of her own, as she placed a wreath of rosemary at the foot of the marble statue.

“I want my Kids to learn Park history so they can understand why Jor is a hero to us,” she said, between bites of one of the many treats that were on offer at the festivities.

Park history was also on the mind of Sagar Hog-Deer, whose family emigrated from the foothills of the Himalayas six years ago. For Sagar, Park history means a solid record based on the principles of tolerance and the welcoming of all species — principles that, he feels, may be hard to maintain in the future.

“The Park is being assaulted from the outside and we are just beginning to see the effects of it,” he said, pointing to the upcoming census, talk of currency amalgamation, and looming political reforms as evidence of the erosion of Park values.

“We need to take a step back. We don’t need to change [things] if there isn’t a problem in the first place,” he emphasized.

While Hog-Deer sees no problem with the status quo, scores of Animals who attended the celebrations say they see the need for immediate changes in The Park.

“We’ve been at a standstill for years. Some aspects of Park life are downright archaic and, some, I might say…were [the result of] hare-brained schemes in the first place,” complained Mason L. Tortoise, head of SARG, the Small Animal Reform Group, which has called for sweeping changes in many Park policies.

Despite the political debate, Park Animals were up for the two days of merrymaking and were quick to declare the event a “roaring success.”

“I think it was a tribute to the power of Jor’s vision,” concluded Humphrey Hyrax, the festival’s organizer.

Filed Under: Breaking News, On This Day, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime

OTD in 2013—”Job fair” a scam approved by 2012 Archons: report

April 18, 2025 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

An undercover investigation by reporters working for The Mammalian Daily has exposed an ugly truth about The Park’s upcoming “job fair.”

According to a report filed by the TMD undercover team, the 2012 Archons signed off on a plan to allow a group of Humans to take over The Park one weekend this Spring for the purpose of recruiting Animals to fill jobs outside The Park.

The job fair, which was aggressively advertised to Park Animals as an opportunity for them to gain better access to gainful employment, is in reality an “adoption event,” according to the results of the reporters’ investigation. Adoption events, which are illegal in The Park, are gatherings organized by Humans for the purpose of capturing Animals and taking them to live in homes outside The Park. These events are associated with enforced domesticity and confinement and, as a result, very few of these captured Animals are ever able to return to their homes and families.

“This is a travesty,” said Dr. Anneliese Cissa, head of the Livingstone School of Economics and Social Science at the University of West Terrier.

In an interview held at her office at the university, Dr. Cissa said the job fair must not be allowed to go on or “all the gains we’ve made as Animals…self-rule and zoocracy…will be undermined.”

“This is exactly the kind of thing that we all knew might happen if we didn’t deal with our sluggish economy in a timely fashion,” she said. “But what we didn’t know was that our own Archons would be the ones to bring us down.”

Dr. Cissa, who is the author of a controversial 2012 report on state of The Park’s economy, was openly critical of the Archons (both 2012 and 2013).

“This is a clear indication that the Archons have been derelict in their duties,” she said.  “It is the responsibility of The Park’s governing body to encourage an atmosphere in which there is adequate opportunity for employment. By transferring their responsibilities to Humans outside The Park, they are doing an injustice to our citizenry. We must take action against this before it is too late,” she said.

The 2013 Archons have thus far made no comment on the job fair.

See also:

Economy forces Animals to work as “domestics” outside Park
Archons, PFO blasted over Human Direct Investment in Park

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, On This Day, Politics/Law/Crime

OTD in 2017—Park’s Avian population set to soar above other species: BirdBrains

April 17, 2025 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

yellow-bird-soaring

The Park’s Avian population is set to soar above all other species, according to a report published last week by the Avian mentoring programme, BirdBrains.

The report, entitled, “Zoocracy After Thirty-Five: A New Avian Era,” analyzes a number of studies of the development of The Park’s Avian population in the years following the establishment of zoocracy.

According to these studies, Avians dipped in levels of education, employment, and entrepreneurship during the first decade and a half of zoocracy, when they were overtaken by other species, the large majority of which were Mammals and Fish. In addition, statistics from the Long Gone Registry confirm that the number of Avians who chose to leave The Park permanently grew consistently from 1995 to 2005. The first cohort set up homes and infrastructure in other areas, which encouraged an exodus in the years between 2001 and 2005.

But all that is about to change, according to the report’s authors and BirdBrains directors, Gwendolyn Goose and Henry Gander, whose late father, Cesar Emilio Gander, founded the Avian mentoring programme.

The average level of education in the Avian population has gone from the rudimentary level to intermediate, says Goose, with a significant increase in the number of Avians attending institutions of higher learning.

“This year, Avians will constitute the largest number of new students as well as the largest number of graduates,” Goose says proudly.

In addition, many more Avians have become interested in technology and, in turn, entrepreneurship. Goose and Gander credit their father’s vision, as well as that of the education initiative of the 2011 and 2012 Archons, with the change in the Avian mindset.

“Many more Birds are making the decision to stay here and get an education. They see opportunities that aren’t available outside The Park and they’re now reaching for the stars,” says Gander.

Kawena Palila is one of them. An alumna of BirdBrains, Palila credits the programme with helping her to realize her dream, the social media site gaggle, which went live last year. Palila says the programme helped her get funding and some extra expertise for the site, as well as encouraging her to “think Avian,” which resulted in a site “not for the individual, but for the flock.”

Goose and Gander say there are many more Palilas on the horizon and they look forward to mentoring many flocks of them in the coming years.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Education, On This Day, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime Tagged With: Avian population, education, entrepreneurship, technology

OTD in 2014—Museum of Contemporary Art confirms plans to host annual art installation

April 7, 2025 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Poster announcing The Park Museum of Contemporary Art’s first art installation, entitled, “How Much is That Doggie in the Window?”

The Park Museum of Contemporary Art’s first art installation opened last April

A year after unveiling its first art installation, the Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) has confirmed its plans to play host to at least one such exhibit annually.

Aulikki Norsu, president of PMoCA’s board of directors, made the announcement at a press conference this morning.

“Due to the overwhelming success of our first art installation, we have decided to become The Park’s de facto home of the genre,” Norsu said.

While art critics at first were skeptical about the PMoCA’s entrée into the genre, the live exhibition, How Much Was That Doggie in the Window?, captured the imagination of The Park’s citizens and residents and broke the Museum’s attendance records from the time of its opening in early April until it closed in November.

The installation, which was curated by Dorika Pumi, depicted the sorry life of the domestic Canine. Norsu would not comment on the subject of the next piece nor would reveal the name of the curator, but she did confirm that a number of Park businesses had offered financial backing.

“We are thrilled by the support we have received,” she said.

See also:
Museum of Contemporary Art to unveil first art installation

Filed Under: Breaking News, On This Day, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture

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