Something is rotten inside the LAdeH (“Les Amis de Hieronymous”), otherwise known as The Friends of Hieronymous, and Park Police have been working to uncover its identity.

At a press conference held this morning, Serge Malinois, spokesAnimal for Park Police, outlined details of an “intensive” investigation that, he said, has been ongoing since February 12 of this year.

“The timing is significant, of course,” Malinois said, referring to the controversy that ensued when Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros made some derogatory remarks about Hieronymous Hedgehog on his radio show that same day.

Immediately afterwards, a group calling itself Les Amis de Hieronymous sprang into action, demanding a formal on-air apology from Tavros. When it became apparent that the apology would not be forthcoming, the group became, in Malinois’ words, “aggressive, belligerent, and downright dangerous.” Group members took to the streets, protesting against both Tavros and the radio station, until the station was forced to suspend Tavros. With that success under their belts, the group members set their sights on undermining Park citizens’ confidence in their police force.

“It came to a head at the Return of the Nut,” Malinois explained at the press conference. When six of the 400 Animals arrested at the ceremony filed complaints against Park police officer Gareth Shepherd, alleging that he had bitten them repeatedly as he pushed them into a vehicle bound for the police station, “we knew something had gone awry,” Malinois said.

It wasn’t just that Shepherd is president of the Federation of Canine Security Workers and a well-respected member of the force. It was the coincidence that all six complainants were members of the LAdeH.

“A total of 400 Animals were arrested at that event, but only those from the LAdeH filed complaints,” Malinois said.

By the time the arrests were made (February 20), the investigators had compiled a “thick file” of information about the group and its members. They also had been able to confirm with Hieronymous Hedgehog that he had had no contact with the group and that he knew none of the six Animals who had filed complaints against Shepherd.

“What we are looking at here, we believe, are members of an anti-zoocratic group that has operated outside The Park for many years. This is the first time that we know of that their members have been able to infiltrate The Park. We are working closely with our contacts outside The Park to confirm our suspicions,” he said.

Malinois declined to answer questions regarding the fate of the suspects, who continue to be held in custody, nor would he confirm rumours that the charges against Shepherd will be dropped in the near future.

Bowing to pressure from the Park Historical Society, the 2013 Archons announced today that their first official act as The Park’s governing body will be the establishment of a registry of Animals whose departure from The Park was “caused by either death or desire”.

At a press conference held this morning, Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons, said the “Long Gone Registry” was deemed essential by all parties concerned “so that we can have truly accurate population and participation records for The Park.”

“All organized societies require accurate records so that they can both learn from the past and look to the future,” Alouatta said, quoting from a statement issued earlier by the Archons.

According to Park Historical Society president Clark Cascanueces, who advised the Archons as they drafted legislation to establish the registry, no formal records exist of or about departed Park citizens or residents.

“We don’t know who left or why they left, or even when they left. We have not kept those kinds of [exit] records, as we should have done. All we have to go on are published death announcements, family notices, citations from educational institutions, or hospital and physicians’ notes. We have no formal records regarding mobility or participation. This leaves a huge hole in our knowledge of life in The Park. There are, undoubtedly, many Animals who contributed to our life here and who form part of our history, but we know nothing about them,” he said.

The registry, which was established to rectify this situation, will of necessity rely heavily on anecdotal evidence and family lore, Alouatta said. For this reason, the Archons have engaged the services of faculty members of the University of West Terrier’s Department of History, as well as members of the Park Historical Society, in gathering the information required from The Park’s resident Animals.

The registry, which will fall under the jurisdiction of The Park’s Department of Statistics and Records, will begin data intake in the Spring, Alouatta said.

The names of the 35 Animals who will form The Park’s 2013 government have been released.

In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons was posted at the Law Courts early this morning, an hour after the selection was certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The list of new Archons will remain posted until the end of the week so that Park citizens and residents may review the names, Archon Transition Team spokesAnimal N.V. Hoatzin told The Mammalian Daily. Alternatively, those interested may click here to review the list, which includes two Animals who are active in The Park’s film industry.

The 35 Animals, who were selected to be Archons through the process of sortition, will be sworn in at a ceremony that will take place tomorrow morning at 10:00. Thousands of Park citizens are expected to attend the swearing-in ceremony, which will be held at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. As well, many thousands more will be able to watch the event on television. The Park Broadcasting Corporation (PBC), which holds exclusive rights to the swearing-in ceremony, will once again dedicate its entire morning programming schedule to the event.

The Department of Well-Being and Safety has shut down the Otter Ice Slide for an “indefinite period of time” after a tragic accident occurred there on Wednesday afternoon.

In a statement issued this morning, the Department confirmed that an ongoing investigation into the accident suffered by Boldizsar Vidra was the reason for closing the Ice Slide, which had just opened for the season on January 6.

“We are currently investigating the circumstances of the accident that occurred on the Otter Ice Slide on Wednesday, January 9, 2013. Until such time as the investigation has concluded and we have determined the cause, the Slide will remain closed for use,” the statement said.

According to witness accounts, Vidra was lying on his back, travelling at a high speed down the Slide, when he became aware that his coat was stuck to the Slide’s ice.

“He was screaming, begging for help, but no one could help him until he stopped,” said one witness. Approximately three-quarters of the way down the slide, several other Sliders were able to lift him off the ice. By that time, the Elephant Emergency Brigade (EEB) had arrived and Vidra was transferred to the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, where he remains in critical condition.

“There was so much blood,” said another witness. “Parts of his coat were just ripped off and stuck to the Slide.”

The Slide, which operates annually from January 6 until March 13, is the favourite recreational venue of The Park’s Otter families. It is not unusual for Otters and their young to spend an entire day at the Slide. This year, the Slide saw a 600% rise in attendance during its first three days. This increase has been attributed to the fact that the Slide experienced a very short season in 2012, when it was shut down in mid-February because unseasonably warm temperatures caused it to melt.

The DWBS is believed to be investigating the conditions of the Slide between the evening of January 8 and the afternoon of January 9. The accident occurred at 3:15 on January 9. Several witnesses at the scene said a partial melt had occurred in the early hours of the afternoon.

Prior to the Slide’s official opening, The Park’s Weather Office (PWO) issued a statement indicating that the venue would remain open for the entirety of the regular season.

A source close to the PWO, however, who wishes to remain anonymous, told The Mammalian Daily that, privately, the PWO has had concerns about the lifespan of the Slide for several years.

“With all the cutbacks in The Park, the PWO has been fighting, but not winning, a battle to get sufficient funding for Winter weather,” the source said.

The last several years have seen increasingly warm temperatures in The Park and many believe it is due to the cutbacks in the budget.

“If we don’t act on this problem right away,” said the source, “there will come a time when we have only three seasons in The Park.”

See also: Park weather office blasts budget, proposes radical change