The Mammalian Daily

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Clash with Guard Dogs at protest leaves 1 dead, 7 injured

By

FCSW President Gareth Shepherd

One Goose is dead and at least seven were injured after a clash with Guard Dogs at this weekend’s anti-amalgamation protest in The Park.

The fallen Goose, whose name has not yet been released, was last seen alive at the ancient open-air theatre on Sunday.  She was, reportedly, organizing a parade with a small gaggle of her compatriots to protest currency unification in The Park.  The Goose was part of a group that calls itself “Fowl Cry.”

Witnesses at the scene said that the Guard Dogs, who were on high alert, became agitated at the sound of “all that honking” and told the Goose to quieten down.

“That just made her mad,” said a friend who was also a participant at the protest.

“We have the right to express our opinions.  Jor gave us that right and it is enshrined in The Park’s constitution.  No one has the right to tell us to shut up.”

According to one witness, when the Goose refused to cooperate, the Guard Dogs rushed the group and allegedly bit several of the Geese.  A fight broke out between the Guard Dogs and the Geese and the result was one death and a host of injuries, some serious enough to land several of the Geese in the hospital.

Early this morning, Gareth Shepherd, President of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW), took to the airwaves to calm Park residents and to assure them that the security force, along with the Archons, will conduct a “full and fair” investigation into the incident.

“We invite all citizens and, particularly, those who were present at the gathering in question, to testify at the open investigation, which will commence at the end of the month,” he said.

For their part, the members of Fowl Cry say that they will wait to hear the testimony of the witnesses and the explanation of the Guard Dogs before they take any action.

“In the meantime,” said a spokesGoose for the group, “we have to plan a memorial service for our fallen leader and tend to the needs of the others who were injured.”

Groups unite to fight creation of unified currency

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ParkAnimalsThe recent call by the governor of the Central Bank of The Park to unify Animal currencies has given rise to what some have called an “unlikely alliance.”

Members of a number of advocacy groups, including APIC (Association for the Preservation of Individual Currencies), Lizards for Liberty, The Monotreme Alliance, the Confederation of Ground Squirrels, the Small Animal Reform Group, and IHOP (the Idiosyncratic Hibernators of The Park), have banded together in an effort to block any legislation the Archons plan to enact regarding currency amalgamation.

The newly-formed alliance has chosen Rowena Goose as its spokesBird.  The Goose, who has been fighting currency amalgamation for almost a decade was elected President of APIC in 23 AZ (2003).

“We won’t take this lying down,” said the Goose in an interview on CLucK RADIO early this morning.  “We’re going to fight until [currency amalgamation] is defeated.”

Park weather office blasts budget, proposes radical change

By

PWO Budget Reconfiguration

The Park’s Weather Office has launched a formal complaint against The Finance Office after the release, last week, of its Expense Projections for 2012.

In a statement released this morning, the PWO charged that “a recent history of underfunding of weather in The Park has resulted in reduced crop sizes, diminished coats, domicile destruction and even, perhaps, a rise in Animal illnesses.”

While some of the charges might be difficult to prove, the PWO has authority on its side when it comes to reduced crop sizes and food shortages.

“The past few years have seen the worst harvests in The Park,” says A.P. Civet, of the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF).  “Not coincidentally, these were the years of cutbacks, when funding for weather purchases was at its lowest.  It may seem fine to those [Animals] in the Finance Office to replace rain with wind and to buy dull days by the pack, but you can’t grow food like that,” he said.

The Park Weather Officers don’t need convincing.  They have put together a counter-proposal, which they are hoping the Archons will review and send to the Finance Office for implementation.

“At the present time,” said a spokesAnimal for the Weather Office, “the weather budget comes out of the 11 per cent of the budget that is allocated for groundskeeping and water maintenance.  A measly 15% of that 11% total has been used for weather purchases.  We are proposing to more than double that amount to 35%.  We feel that figure will give us the leverage we need to buy the kind of weather that will result in abundant harvests.  The Park’s population is growing at an alarming rate and our [food] requirements are growing along with that. This is no time to be cutting back and risking more shortages,” the spokesAnimal said.

Expense Projections show high cost of Park security

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Park Expense Projections 2012The release of The Park’s Expense Projections for the coming year has put into sharp focus the high cost of securing the safety of Animals in The Park.

The budgetary figures, which were released this morning by The Park’s Finance Office, offer a window into the challenges faced by administrators when it comes to guarding the lives and property of Park residents.

“We can’t bury our heads in the sand,” said Park Finance Officer, Milton Struts, when questioned about the high cost of security at a press conference following the release of the figures.

“We live in a turbulent world…in which the mood can change in a flash. That is the new reality, and we have to be prepared for the consequences of that reality,” he said.

The “new reality” that The Park faces is expensive, and accounts for a projected increase of 25 per cent over this year for services such as The Park Police, the Ant Security and Intelligence Agency, and The Park’s Guard Dogs.  While some increase in security may be warranted, many of those poring over the figures at the press conference worried openly about the effect the increase will have on the quality of life in The Park.

“Our resources are limited and if so much goes to the Guard Dogs, what will be left for the enjoyment of life?” asked one Park resident at the conference.

Leaked papers link UWT researchers to social experiment

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top secretTop Secret documents leaked to The Mammalian Daily reveal that members of The Park’s Finance Office enlisted the aid of researchers at the University of West Terrier in an attempt to engineer a social experiment in The Park.

The documents, which the newspaper has had in its possession for two weeks, reveal that in the summer of 26 AZ (2008), high level functionaries in the Park Finance Office (PFO) approached researchers in the departments of chemistry and zoology at UWT to produce a serum that would inhibit hibernation and estivation.

The goal of the Finance Office’s plan, which was known internally as “Operation Wakey-Wakey,” was to stimulate the sagging Park economy by “chemically encouraging” the entire population to engage in commerce year-round.

The plan went awry when a number of groups representing hibernators began to suspect that they were being scapeGoated.  In late Autumn 26 AZ (2008), the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) filed a formal complaint against the Finance Office for repeatedly referring to the economic slowdown as “hibernation-related.”

Fearing that publicity regarding the complaint would shed light on their plan, the PFO suspended Operation Wakey-Wakey early in the Winter of 27 AZ (2009).  The documents suggest, however, that several versions of the serum were developed at UWT during the time the Operation was active, but it is unknown whether any serum was ever tested on live Animals.

Neither the University of West Terrier nor The Park’s Finance Office has released any statement regarding this matter.

Court approves continuance of 2010 Archons

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Park ArchonsAcknowledging the need for stability and continuity following this year’s calendar harmonization, Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon has granted a continuance of one full year to The Park’s current Archons.

In his ruling, which was handed down early this morning, the Superior Court Justice expressed the opinion that continuity would best be served by allowing those “who were the authors of such profound change in The Park to complete their mission before passing the torch to others.”

According to the Court statement, the ruling back-dates the Archons’ term to January 2011, thus allowing the 35 law makers six more months to aid Park residents in their transition to the new calendar.

A spokesanimal for the Archons said they were “pleased” with today’s ruling.

“This will allow [the Archons] to continue on their journey to modernize The Park and bring it up to speed in order to meet the challenges that the next years will bring,” the spokesanimal said.

The 2010 Archons’ ambitious agenda, of which calendar harmonization was the first component, includes immigration reform, support for Park businesses and, possibly, the introduction of taxation.

 

Archons to move forward on calendar harmonization

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Less than two months into their term, The Park’s 28 AZ Archons are poised to enact legislation that many believe will forever alter life in The Park.

The announcement came in a press release issued today, just minutes after the Archons emerged from meetings that ran into the wee hours of the morning.

According to the press release, the Archons intend to enact legislation “before the end of the middle of Varrah” to harmonize The Park’s calendar with that of Animals (including Humans) who live outside The Park.

Critics of the proposed legislation believe that the Archons are bowing to pressure from business groups within The Park, while those in favour of harmonization see it as an essential first step in the creation of “The New Park.”

“Once again, I think, we’re going to see Animals pitted against Animals in the struggle for survival,” said Winston Whistlepig, founder and current president of The Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS). “But the old ways are working against us, now. This time, there’s no turning back. It’s do or die.”

Whistlepig’s group began lobbying for calendar harmonization in 25 AZ. The idea did not gain real momentum, however, until The Park experienced a full-blown economic crisis in 27 AZ. The effects of that crisis are still being felt throughout The Park and the 28 AZ Archons began their term with a promise to end the hardship that many Animals have experienced for over a year.

The Archons’ ambitious agenda, of which calendar harmonization is the first component, includes immigration reform, support for Park businesses and, possibly, the introduction of taxation.

Thousands rally against calendar harmonization

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Thousands of Animals flooded The Park’s grounds today to demonstrate their opposition to new legislation that many believe will negatively affect life in The Park.

The legislation, whose formal name is “The Calendar Harmonization Act” (“An Act to harmonize The Park’s calendar with that of the calendar or calendars used outside The Park and to amend certain Acts in consequence thereof”) is scheduled to come into effect later this month. According to the 28 AZ Archons’ latest press release, however, “the full impact of the Act will not be felt in The Park until 29 AZ.”

Although there has been much discussion about a change to a harmonized calendar, Park citizens were taken by surprise this month when the Archons announced their plans to act on the idea. That announcement has resulted in a spate of criticism from a number of The Park’s citizen aid and action associations.

“We’re all for change, but this is too sudden and too soon,” declared Carlisle Chameleon, whose group, Lizards for Liberty, was well-represented at the rally.

“We believe in change, but in a more gradual way and we think the citizenry should have a chance to respond when it’s a change as big as this,” he said.

That sentiment was echoed by members of other groups who were in attendance. Rowena Goose, president of the vocal Association for the Preservation of Individual Currencies (APIC), told The Mammalian Daily that her group is adamantly opposed to any kind of harmonization.

“It’s just a first step, but that step leads downhill, mark my words. Next, it will be currency amalgamation, then currency harmonization and, before you know it, there will tail croppings, stripe swappings, our dams will be torpedoed, and you’ll see Humans living in The Park. They say it’s for the good of commerce, but it will do us no good — that’s for sure,” she said.

Not all Park Animals are against the new law, however. Mason L. Tortoise, head of the Small Animal Reform Group, says he believes a harmonized calendar is “the only reasonable response to an ever-changing world that is opening up all around us.”

Noticeably absent from the demonstration today were several groups representing The Park’s hibernating communities. A spokesanimal for the Idiosyncratic Hibernators of The Park (IHOP), said his members appreciated the fact that the Archons had waited until the end of hibernation to make the announcement.

“If they’d wanted to be devious about it, they’d have done it during hibernation, when a significant portion of The Park’s population was asleep. Instead, they waited, so I don’t see why some Animals think they’re trying to put one over on us,” he said.

For their part, the Archons say they are committed to providing full disclosure of the contents of the legislation. Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons, confirmed today that plans are underway to conduct several “open meetings” with Park residents to enable them to understand the changes that are about to happen.

“This is a step-by-step process and we plan to offer a step-by-step explanation of it,” he said.

Park Postal Service issues first commemorative stamp

By

The Park Postal Service introduced its first commemorative stamp yesterday. The stamp, which honours Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy, features a rarely-seen photograph of Jor. The caption reads, simply, “Our First Leader.”

The stamp carries a value of 55 in Cow currency (approximately .11 Ftoo) and will be available for purchase by 22 Proto.

This is the first time in its history that the Postal Service has issued commemorative stamps. According to a Postal Service spokesanimal, the decision was taken because it was felt that “such honours were long overdue.”

28 AZ Archons announced

By

With little fanfare, the names of the 35 Animals who will form the 28 AZ Park government were released today.

In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of Archons was posted at the Law Courts early this morning. In order for Park citizens and residents to review the names, the list will remain posted until the end of the week, a spokesanimal for the Archon Transition Team told The Mammalian Daily. Those who are unable to attend at the Law Courts may click here to review the list.

The Archons, who were selected through the process of sortition, will be sworn in at a ceremony that will take place at 10:00 on 16 Proto. Thousands of Park citizens are expected to attend the swearing-in ceremony, which will be held at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.

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