The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

On This Day—September 9, 2014: Data Tree hacking: Police issue update

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tree hacked

At a press conference this morning, Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) issued an update on the April hacking of one of The Park’s largest Data Trees.

Flanked by Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) and C. Astrid H. Ant, Head of The Park’s Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS), Addax confirmed that data Retrievers working for the private firm AROO had recovered enough data to confirm that Humans were involved in the hacking.

“The data, in combination with the debris that was recovered from the site by my team, confirm beyond any doubt that Humans were the perpetrators of the crime,” the ASIS head told reporters.

Also in attendance at the press event was Sierpinski Squirrel, Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners. The Squirrel’s firm stored most of their data in the Tree, which is believed to be more than 70 years old.

“They [the data Retrievers] were able to retrieve much of our client data and for that we are extremely grateful, but this has been a very challenging few months for us and for our customers,” the Squirrel said after the press conference.

When asked whether the investigation was now considered closed, Addax admitted that options were limited, but denied that Police had formally closed the investigation.

“No, we consider the investigation to still be open, but the sad fact is that we have no control over Humans. We cannot prosecute them, either inside or outside The Park and we cannot recover damages from them. Our only options are to try and prevent such things from happening again and to that end, we are working to develop new security policies. The investigation will remain open until we have these policies in place,” he said.

On this Day—August 24, 2015: Noreen in talks with TMD to curate new section of newspaper: gossip site

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headsNtalesAccording to the gossip site headsNtales, Noreen is presently in negotiations with The Mammalian Daily to expand her rôle with the paper beyond that of dispensing advice.

In a post dated yesterday, the site claims that the advice columnist, best-selling author, and adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier has pitched the idea of creating and curating a new section of the newspaper called, “The Righteous Among the Humans.” The new section would shine a light on Humans who have done good works for Animals.

“Let’s face it; it would be a natural fit for Noreen,” says headsNtales co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo.

“Given that she’s spent her whole life studying Humans, both informally and formally… and add to that her newspaper and academic credentials…who better to do this sort of work than Noreen? I think it’s a brilliant idea and only Noreen could have thought it up!” she says.

Although no formal announcement has been made by the newspaper, Mammalian Daily managing editor Orphea Haas has been known as a champion of Noreen ever since she brought her to the paper over fifteen years ago.

“Haas encouraged Noreen from the get-go and she’s blossomed into a very powerful force in The Park. I can’t imagine her denying Noreen’s request. This new rôle will be good for her [Noreen] and for all of us,” Guacamayo says.

Noreen gets police protection after brawl breaks out at UWT event

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Official NoreenNoreen was escorted home by Park Police yesterday after a brawl broke out at an event she was co-hosting at the University of West Terrier.

The Mammalian Daily advice columnist, who is also an adjunct professor of Human Studies at UWT, was the co-host, with Chittenden School of Law professor Fionnula Fox, of an extended Q&A session after the launch of their joint project, the Domestic Empowerment Initiative (DEI). The DEI is designed to empower Animals who are currently living in a domestic situation with Humans.

During the Q&A, a brawl broke out among audience members who misunderstood Noreen’s words and took them to mean she was in favour of Animal domestication. Although she made several attempts to clarify her position, the audience members would have none of it. After several minutes of name-calling and threats to Noreen’s safety, UWT security removed the offending Animals and shut the session down. Park Police officer Gareth Shepherd then escorted Noreen home.

On Twitter this morning, Noreen thanked Officer Shepherd and sought once again to clarify her stand on Animal domestication.

gareth

“I did NOT say that domestication by Humans is acceptable,” she wrote. “Rather, I said that domestication is a complicated issue and there are circumstances under which living with Humans is the best option.”

She also wrote that she believes that strengthening The Park’s economy, educating Animals and encouraging Animal self-rule are the best methods by which we can eliminate both the need and desire for domestication.

“Life is never easy, but self-determination beats domestication,” she concluded.

Noreen nominated for literary award for UWT speech on Human architecture

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Official NoreenBREAKING NEWS: Noreen has been nominated for a Chitter Radio Literary Award.

In an announcement this morning, CRLA director Guadalupe Tucán confirmed Noreen’s nomination in the speech category for her address at a University of West Terrier forum this past Autumn.

The Mammalian Daily advice columnist and adjunct professor of Human Studies served as chair of the two-day October event, which discussed the effects of Human architecture on other Animals. Other participants included faculty members in the UWT Schools of Architecture, Medicine, and Economics and Social Science, as well as community architects and professionals working in the fields of physical and mental health.

Noreen’s speech, which was entitled, “Doors, Screens, Walls, Halls: The Ins and Outs of Human Architecture,” was exceptionally well-received at the event, according to university officials and forum participants.

This is Noreen’s first CRLA nomination.

The Chitter Radio Literary Awards will be held on June 15, 2017.

Noreen pens heartfelt open letter to the “Humans of the world”

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noreen-tweetMAMMALIAN DAILY EXCLUSIVE

Noreen has penned a heartfelt open letter to the “Humans of the world.”

The longtime Mammalian Daily advice columnist and University of West Terrier Adjunct Professor of Human Studies tweeted this morning that she “could not stay silent for long” and that she would post her open letter to the Humans of the world “soon.”

This afternoon, she sat down with our Human Affairs Reporter to discuss the letter and her need to speak out about recent events in the Human world.

In that interview, Noreen explained that she had long been an observer of Humans and their behaviour and that, unlike many other Animals, she had a “soft spot” for the species, despite their sometimes odious behaviour.

“It is a fraught relationship in many ways, and that is largely their fault,” she said. “But I’ve lived with and around Humans my whole life and they’ve been good to me. I’ve never tried to disguise that fact. Humans have very little understanding of themselves and as I watch them lurch toward the abyss, I feel a certain responsibility to save them.”

She said that although her letter was an attempt to do just that, she had no expectations that it would change anything.

“Humans retain a certain stubbornness, even in the face of insight,” she said.

The following is the opening portion of her letter, which she is allowing only The Mammalian Daily to publish:

My dear Humans of the world,

I’m quite sure you have no idea who I am. Even if you did know my name, you would have no familiarity with my work or my beliefs and I understand that. Most of what I say you cannot hear; neither can you read in my language. That is why I am writing this in yours.

I have been an observer of your behaviour for a long time—almost my whole life. From an early age, I realized that many other Animals found your behaviour incomprehensible, but I was determined to decode it,  to understand who you were and what you wanted. My desire to do that was so strong that studying you became my life’s work.

As an advice columnist and a researcher in Human studies, it has been my greatest privilege to have had the opportunity to explain you— your beliefs, your needs, and your desires—to a broad range of other species who have benefitted from my knowledge in countless ways. So it is with great confidence that I approach this task of explaining you to you.

I ask only that you hear me out, that you consider carefully my observations, and that you accept this letter as a gift from me to a species I have long admired, a species for whom I wish only good things, however they may come.

Noreen to chair UWT forum on effects of Human architecture on other Animals

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Official NoreenThe President and Governors of the University of West Terrier announced today that Noreen will chair a forum on the effects of Human architecture on the lives of other Animals. The forum, which will be hosted by the UWT School of Architecture, will take place on the university’s campus on October 8 and 9.

The university called the Mammalian Daily advice columnist and adjunct professor of Human studies the “perfect choice” to chair the discussion because “her abilities as a mediator and as a researcher are exceptional.”

Participants in the forum will include faculty members of the UWT School of Architecture as well as faculty of the Schools of Medicine and Economics and Social Science. In addition, the university has invited community architects and professionals working in the fields of physical and mental health and well-being to share their knowledge and expertise.

Read the university’s full announcement here.

Noreen to oust Yannis Tavros for one-off “Soppy Season Q&A” on Toro Talk Radio

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lovely-to-look-at-back-cover

Noreen will answer questions about the soppy season on the Yannis Tavros show

BREAKING NEWS

Noreen will be taking over Yannis Tavros’s radio show next Tuesday.

In a press release issued today, Toro Talk Radio, the station that hosts Tavros’s daily call-in show, announced that it has booked Noreen for his time slot on December 15.

“We are pleased that Noreen has accepted our invitation to appear on air and answer your most pressing questions about the ‘soppy season,’ ” the press release said.

According to the station’s management, The Mammalian Daily advice columnist and author of Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans will host a live “extended public service announcement” on Tuesday. She will be taking calls from the audience on the subject of keeping safe and coping with Humans during the “soppy season.”

“We’ve all come to understand just how soppy Humans can be, sometimes,” Noreen said in an interview earlier this year. “But what many of us don’t understand is how to cope with that and how to keep ourselves safe in the face of such an onslaught of emotion.”

Almost a year ago, the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), which issues an annual safety alert at this time of year, announced that it was collaborating with Noreen on a guide for staying safe during the Human soppy seasons. While publication of that guide has been delayed, the DWBS has enlisted Noreen’s help in getting the word out through other media.

“What some Animals don’t understand is that there are many soppy seasons in the Human calendar and each one generates a different problem,” says DWBS director of public relations Cornelius Kakapo. “It is a much more complex issue than we originally thought.”

In the meantime, Toro Talk Radio has invited listeners to submit their questions beforehand as well as during the show’s airing.

“We anticipate an overflow [of questions], but be assured that Noreen will answer each and every inquiry, either on air or afterwards,” says a spokesAnimal for the radio station.

The Righteous Among the Humans: new TMD section to be curated by Noreen

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Official Noreen

Noreen will expand her rôle with The Mammalian Daily this year

BREAKING NEWS

The Mammalian Daily announced today that Noreen will be expanding her rôle with the newspaper to include curating a new section called, “The Righteous Among the Humans.”

In a press statement issued this morning, TMD managing editor Orphea Haas confirmed that Noreen had made a pitch to the paper a few months ago that involved formally recognizing members of the Human species who do “great work on behalf of other Animals.”

“While we immediately recognized the value of such a section, we were, initially, reluctant to give over so much space to the Human species,” Haas admitted in the statement. “But Noreen convinced us that highlighting the good work done by Humans was very much in keeping with both our journalistic and charitable goals.”

Haas also said that Noreen was a “perfect fit” for the job, since “she’s spent her whole life studying Humans, both formally and informally.”

“She knows them inside and out and if Noreen says, ‘these ones are worthy of our attention and respect,’ well, that’s good enough for us at The Mammalian Daily,” Haas said.

Haas also confirmed that Noreen plans to publish an open letter to her friends and fans outlining the details and goals of her new job.

The Righteous Among the Humans section will début this month on The Mammalian Daily’s web site.

Noreen in talks with TMD to curate new section of newspaper: gossip site

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headsNtalesAccording to the gossip site headsNtales, Noreen is presently in negotiations with The Mammalian Daily to expand her rôle with the paper beyond that of dispensing advice.[pullquote]The Righteous Among the Humans section would shine a light on Humans who have done good works for Animals.—gossip site headsNtales [/pullquote]

In a post dated yesterday, the site claims that the advice columnist, best-selling author, and adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier has pitched the idea of creating and curating a new section of the newspaper called, “The Righteous Among the Humans.” The new section would shine a light on Humans who have done good works for Animals.

“Let’s face it; it would be a natural fit for Noreen,” says headsNtales co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo.

“Given that she’s spent her whole life studying Humans, both informally and formally… and add to that her newspaper and academic credentials…who better to do this sort of work than Noreen? I think it’s a brilliant idea and only Noreen could have thought it up!” she says.

Although no formal announcement has been made by the newspaper, Mammalian Daily managing editor Orphea Haas has been known as a champion of Noreen ever since she brought her to the paper over fifteen years ago.

“Haas encouraged Noreen from the get-go and she’s blossomed into a very powerful force in The Park. I can’t imagine her denying Noreen’s request. This new rôle will be good for her [Noreen] and for all of us,” Guacamayo says.

Noreen shocks Yannis Tavros listeners: “Let’s organize a Superfan Saturday!”

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Official NoreenListeners to the Yannis Tavros show on Wednesday were treated not only to an exclusive interview with Noreen, but to an extemporaneous ode to superfans and a spontaneous call to honour their contributions.

“The rôle of superfans has changed immensely over my lifetime in that they now have an actual rôle to play in the careers of their idols,” said the Mammalian Daily advice columnist and adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier.

“Their relationship to the stars, whether they be musicians, painters, singers, sculptors, writers…has become symbiotic and I truly believe this is a positive thing.”

Noreen, who has herself been called “the ultimate superfan,” because of her longstanding loyalty and affection for Thisbe and the Barkettes, was a solo guest on the Toro Talk Radio show Wednesday. While taking calls from listeners, Noreen experienced what she called a “whistle in her ear,” a term she has used often for the phenomenon of an idea that presents itself to her out of the blue.

“We need to organize a Superfan Saturday!” she exclaimed, taking Tavros and the radio station by surprise. “Let’s make a commitment, right here and now to honour superfans publicly. If you are a superfan, call in now. We’ll take down your name and details and get back to you about the time and date.”

By the time the show was finished, Noreen and the radio technicians had a list of hundreds of superfans, and a queue of several hundred more waiting on the phones.

While Tavros seemed stunned, Noreen was obviously thrilled by the response. She said she planned to visit the office of the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations as soon as she took off her microphone.

“Let’s do this!” she barked. “This is going to be one heck of a celebration!”

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

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