The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Names of 2017 Archons announced

By

zoocracy-35The names of the 35 Animals who will form The Park’s 2017 government have been released.

In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons was posted at the Law Courts early this morning, an hour after the selection was certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The list will remain posted at the Law Courts until the end of the week so that Park citizens and residents may review the names, Archon Transition Team spokesAnimal N.V. Hoatzin told The Mammalian Daily.

Readers of this newspaper need look no further than the bottom of this article, however. The Mammalian Daily is the only Park newspaper given permission to publish the list of names.

The 35 Animals, who were selected to be Archons through the process of sortition, will be sworn in at a ceremony that will take place tomorrow morning at 10:00. Tens of thousands of Park citizens are expected to attend the swearing-in ceremony, which will be held at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre. As well, many thousands more will be able to watch the event on television. The Park Broadcasting Corporation (PBC), which holds exclusive rights to the swearing-in ceremony, will once again dedicate its entire morning programming schedule to the event.

ARCHONS – 2017
Kuttu, Klarissa Escalade (Chief Archon)

Amphiuma, Dudley; Arowana, Donat; Bonobo, Nakato; Cangrejo, José Basilio; Chameleon, Seymour; Crayfish, Thomas Frederick; Datnoid, Wattana; Deer, Alfhild; Gecko, Theodore Maximilian; Hoopoe, Imara; Kakkalakki, Njáll Jóhan; Kungsfiskare, Olaf Greger; Lehm, Aleksandra Elisabet; Lionfish, Elliott; Lizard, Marcela; Mantis Henry; Molly, Johannes; Mudpuppy, Ralph; Newt, Rodney; Oscar, Karma; Owl, Dominique Françoise; Pająk, Ilona; Polar Bear, Clovinda; Polipo, Dante Aurelio; Puffin, Nathan Edward; Puma, Sofia Ioanna; Quetzal, Tania Jimena Izabella; Salamander, Quentin Holder; Sammakko, Aava Matilda; Slange, Anika Kamilla; Tarantula, Xiomara; Taube, Ekkehardt; Tortoise, Aristodama; Turtle, Todd.

“Sortition Shakes” on the rise as citizens feel the strain of possible Archonship

By

sortition-shakes

No, it’s not a snack. Or even a dance. It’s a real psychological condition that afflicts Park citizens. And it’s on the rise.

According to Park therapists, cases of  “Sortition Shakes” or “Lottery Nerves,” as they are also known, are up substantially this year. And, they say, it’s not surprising.

“I would say it was to be expected,” says Dr. Chloris Cougar of the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine.

“We’ve seen increasing pressure on the Archons, as zoocracy has matured and the expectations of Park government have grown,” she says. “It’s not surprising that a position that was once almost ceremonial but which now carries with it heavy responsibilities, should produce feelings of anxiety, and almost dread, in those who feel they may not be up to the task.”

Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon, a Park psychotherapist who also serves as a staff member at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic agrees.

“I’m seeing many of my former patients return for help with severe cases of the Sortition Shakes,” she says.

Dr. Gibbon says many are “racked by guilt” that they are not more knowledgeable and they are anxious about their abilities to make decisions that could prove life-altering for Park citizens.

“I also think that this year’s celebration of the thirty-fifth anniversary of zoocracy has added even more weight to the position,” she says. “They know all eyes will be on them and they’re worried about doing the right thing if they are selected.”

Winter Solstice celebration unofficial kick-off to zoocracy’s 35th birthday bash

By

Next week’s celebration of the Winter Solstice will not only be spectacular, it will be “a taste of things to come,” according to Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

In fact, the annual Winter festival will be the “unofficial kick-off” to The Park’s year-long celebration of the thirty-fifth anniversary of zoocracy.

The “totality of Park life” will be celebrated in 2017, not just Animal self-rule, Kanariar told reporters at a press conference yesterday.

“Every aspect of our culture, our politics, and our life here will be represented in our 2017 celebrations,” she said. “It will be a chance for all of us to come together and acknowledge this great thing that we have accomplished in The Park.”

And, should you feel a case of Non-Hibernators’ guilt coming on, Kanariar was quick to assure that “every Animal’s species and way of life will be recognized” and every Animal will have a chance to attend the many events planned for 2017.

As for the Winter Solstice, Kanariar said the full schedule will be released on the weekend.

Blandine Okapi: “Sortition gives us a coalition of the unwilling and unable.”

By

Blandine OkapiFormer Archon Transition Team (ATT) member Blandine Okapi is taking some heat for her most recent remarks about sortition and the annual selection of government in The Park.

In an op-ed piece published in The Ruminant Free Press yesterday, Okapi calls the process of sortition, which has been the only method used to select The Park’s 35 Archons, “a ridiculous idea” and says bluntly, “All it does is give us a coalition of the unwilling and unable.”

Okapi, who quit the ATT two years ago in order to work with the Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP), claims she is drawing from her experience in politics and government when she says that sortition is “keeping The Park in a state of inertia.”

“As we look forward this year to celebrating the thirty-fifth anniversary of zoocracy, we have to ask ourselves what we’ve accomplished here,” she writes. “If our goal was to mature as a Park and to be the model for Animal self-government everywhere, I would say we have failed miserably.”

Reaction to Okapi’s scathing criticism has been swift. At a joint press conference this morning, 2014 Chief Archon Buckminster Moose and Sylvana Rana, president of  Save Our Political System (SOPS), countered her arguments, saying that sortition is the best method available to ensure fair and equitable representation in government.

Former Chief Archon Moose went on to speak of his experience in governing The Park:

“I unequivocally dispute Okapi’s portrait of the members of our governments as being either unable or unwilling or both. During my term as Chief Archon, I worked with some of the most able Animals I have ever met and every one of them was one hundred percent committed to zoocracy and to the values that Jor stood for,” he said.

Archons unveil plans for celebration of 35th anniversary of zoocracy

By

35-plus-borderThis January, The Park will begin a year-long celebration of our thirty-five years of Animal self-rule, the Archons announced today.

At a press conference this morning, Chief Archon Abayomi Tanishia Cuckoo revealed some of the plans that she said have been underway for a couple of years—and through several sets of Archons.

“This was the first file that our transition team was handed,” she said, “and we were the third set of Archons to work on it.”

And, according to Cuckoo, they will not be the last. The 2016 Archons, whose tenure ends in mid-January, will hand over the celebration’s reins to the next group of Archons.

“It would have been unfair not to allow them to contribute to a celebration of which they will be so much a part,” she said.

The plans announced today include art gallery and museum exhibitions, the publication of commemorative books and photographs, concerts, and a large number of public celebrations, full of, as Cuckoo put it, “great food and fun.”

“We’ve worked with institutions and groups including the Park Historical Society, the University of West Terrier, the Institute for the Study of Mammalian Life, and, of course, The Park Museum, to bring a wide range of experience and views to the celebration of our lives under zoocracy. But, now, we’re inviting our citizens, the great Animals who have made The Park a successful zoocracy, to share their ideas,” she said.

To this end, Cuckoo announced that the Archons, in conjunction with the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, will host a dedicated web site to collect Park citizens’ thoughts, memories, and celebration ideas. More information on the site will be forthcoming.

“This will be a celebration of and for all,” she said.

POPS election overshadowed most important citizen responsibility: DPA

By

Dog submitting form for ArchonshipWe know you’re out there. We just can’t find your form.

That’s the message the Department of Political Administration (DPA) sent today when it announced an extension of the deadline for Park citizens to confirm their eligibility to stand as candidates for Archon.

In an announcement released across all Park media, the DPA invited Park citizens to take their responsibilities “as seriously as we do:”

“The department wishes to remind all adult Park citizens that, by law, they must confirm their eligibility to stand as candidates for Archon. We know you take this responsibility as seriously as we do and for this reason we are extending the deadline to complete your confirmation of eligibility. The new deadline will be 11:59 p.m. on November 30.”

According to the DPA, only forty-five per cent of Park citizens have submitted their eligibility forms. The department doesn’t see this as neglect or protest, however. Rather, it places the blame on the distraction of last week’s POPS election.

In an interview on TMD Radio this morning, DPA spokesAnimal Antoinette Fourmi said she believed the POPS election was the “biggest distraction The Park has ever seen.”

“Between the record number of candidates and the non-stop coverage of them, I don’t know how Park citizens could have been thinking of anything else,” she said.

But now, it’s time to focus and do your duty, Fourmi said, as she gently reminded Park citizens that failure to do so could result in a charge of “Cease to Care,” an offence under The Park’s Participation Act that involves the deliberate withholding of one’s name as a candidate for the position of Archon.

“We certainly don’t like to take this last step, but we’ve been forced to do so in the past, and we will do so again, if necessary,” she said.

POPS populi? SOPS’s Rana makes her case against elections in The Park

By

no-voteOne of The Park’s largest political action groups has launched a campaign against holding elections in The Park.

In an op-ed piece published today in The Mantella Morning Post, Sylvana Rana, president of Save Our Political System (SOPS), writes that the recent POPS election campaign has demonstrated “how devastating general elections in The Park would be.”

Among Rana’s arguments against elections, she lists the candidates’ pandering to the electorate, something she says could lead to the winner being the most popular rather than the most qualified.

“The persistent pandering we see from so many of the POPS candidates would be even more devastating to The Park were this to occur during an election for our Archons. Before long, the Archonship would be a position won by personality, style, species, or other attributes that have nothing to do with ability or qualification. And how far down the road would we have to go before the candidates were caught making offers to the voters? Bribery is only a few steps away when this type of election is held,” she writes.

In the op-ed piece, Rana also contends that elections, rather than the present system of sortition, would change the dynamic of the governing body.

“I believe that elected Archons would make only a minimal commitment to the position,” she writes.

“Based on what I’ve seen of the POPS elections and of those held in the Human world, I believe the winners would be much less inclined to do the difficult work of governing. Our present system of selection requires a commitment—driven by a sense of duty— that has become one of the biggest reasons for the success of zoocracy.”

Park citizens not as politically savvy as in previous decades: UWT study

By

CLueless

A new study out of the University of West Terrier’s Barnaby School of Government concludes that Park citizens are not as politically savvy as they were in previous decades.

Entitled, “Clueless,” the study, which will be published in the October issue of the Park Journal of Politics and Government (PJPG), found that a large number of Park citizens have virtually no knowledge of our system of government or its origins.[pullquote]They’ve always lived under peaceful Animal self-rule. They seem to believe that the battle has been fought and won forever. And that makes them extremely vulnerable.”—Delia Quagga, head of the UWT Barnaby School of Government [/pullquote]

“Without being unnecessarily harsh, I think this shows what many of us have felt: that too many of our citizens—of all generations—have been lulled into a false sense of security and do not feel the need to engage politically,” says Delia Quagga, the author of the study and the School’s head.

According to Quagga’s research, that sense of security is particularly strong among those who were born into zoocracy at a time of relative peace among the species.

“They’ve always lived under peaceful Animal self-rule. They seem to believe that the battle has been fought and won forever. And that makes them extremely vulnerable,” Quagga contends.

The study also found that many Park citizens feel free to engage in stereotyping, primarily because they don’t remember a time when such behaviour posed a danger to peace.

“All of this underscores the need for us to communicate more effectively about history and politics,” Quagga says. “We mustn’t allow a situation in which Park citizens take anything for granted.”

Is “long haul” government the way of the future? New political group says yes

By

Park ArchonsAre longer terms for The Park’s thirty-five Archons the solution to our current governmental stagnation?

A newly-formed political group thinks so.

The organization, which calls itself, “Park Citizens for Long Haul Government (PCLHG) released its first statement of principles and objectives today. And one of its most notable objectives is to change the length of Archons’ terms.

“We advocate lengthening the term of Archonship from one year to three to five years,” the statement says.

According to the group’s president, Stéphanie Musaraigne, the bold move would enable Archons to make a “full commitment” to governing over the long haul, instead of concentrating on short term goals and things that can be achieved within the one year mandate.

While the PCLHG’s statement stopped short of criticizing sortition, the current method of selecting Archons, it did imply that while the lottery method ensures a degree of fairness, it brings with it a certain amount of instability.

“There are many problems with sortition, which a Park of varied species and lifespans must address,” the statement said.

The PCLHG plans to hold a press conference later this week to further outline its objectives.

Gunnar Rotte, Douglas Cheetah to debate tomorrow on Yannis Tavros show

By

YannisTavros Two days before The Park celebrates the Return of the Nut, Gunnar Rotte and Douglas Cheetah will face off against each other on the Yannis Tavros show in a debate on the merits of sortition.

In a press release issued this morning, Toro Talk Radio, Tavros’s home station, confirmed the debate, which will be broadcast live an hour after his usual call-in show.

In an advertisement that ran in both social and traditional media, the radio station invited listeners to have their say “ahead of time and ahead of the pack,” by calling into the Tavros show tomorrow.

The debate is sure to be a heated one. Rotte will argue for maintaining sortition, the lottery that selects The Park’s government every year. Cheetah, the renowned director and vocal critic of sortition who joined the Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP) last year, will argue not only for the abolition of sortition, but for the establishment of free elections in The Park.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

May 2025
M T W T F S S
 1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728293031