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Archives for June 2012

Food production scandal rocks Park

June 6, 2012 By TMD Reporters

Police investigation found some food grown in The Park is not destined for Animals’ use

Portions of The Park’s farmland are being used to produce food for consumption by Humans who live outside The Park, Police have concluded.

At a press conference held early this morning, B.N.L.Valerian Beetle, Head of The Park Police Force’s Undercover Operations Unit (UOU), confirmed the findings of the Unit’s year-long investigation.

“This has been a long and intensive investigation, conducted over the past twelve months and it includes data from each of the last four seasons,” Beetle said.

The investigation, which involved data-gathering both inside and outside The Park, was initiated after a series of meetings between Park Police and members of The Park’s Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF).

“We knew that something was terribly wrong,” said SCPCPGF President, A.P. Civet, when she spoke briefly at the end of the press conference.

“We’d been keeping our eyes on these pieces of land for some time…we had permission to seed them and, then, we noticed plants growing in the places we’d planned to seed.”

The SCPCPGF was formed in 2008, after that year’s Archons announced that they were looking at ways to maximize The Park’s food-producing lands. At the time, the Society said it intended to act as a “policy watchdog” to ensure the fair administration of any legislation regarding farming.

At the press conference, Beetle confirmed that the investigation is ongoing, but said there are no known suspects “at this time.”

“We are working on several leads and encourage any Animals who may have seen suspicious activity in the areas of these lands to come forward with information,” he said.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Park Life

Advice columnist to join UWT Human Studies department

June 5, 2012 By TMD Reporters

Official NoreenPopular Mammalian Daily advice columnist, Noreen, will assume a new set of duties this Autumn, when she becomes Adjunct Professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier’s newly-formed department of the same name.

Noreen, who is known for her signature quotation, “Humans — they’re lovely to look at, but I wouldn’t want to live with one,” is considered to be The Park’s foremost expert on Human behaviour.

“She is definitely the go-to Animal when it comes to understanding Humans,” said the President of the University in a statement released today.

“For that reason, among others, we believed she would be a great asset to the department and to our student body. We are extremely happy that she accepted our invitation and we are honoured to have her on staff.”

The new department, which is scheduled to begin offering classes in the Autumn of 2012, has appointed three other faculty members, one of whom will serve as departmental head.

In a telephone interview, Noreen confirmed that she intends to continue writing her Mammalian Daily advice column and “looks forward to combining these two careers.”

Filed Under: Breaking News, Education, Park Life

Retired Archon wades into sea of controversy with speech

June 4, 2012 By Nienke Varken, TMD Education Reporter

Retired Archon, Wyndham Seahorse, waded into a sea of controversy on Friday afternoon when he addressed the 2012 graduating class at the University of West Terrier.

Often described as a “soft-spoken” Animal, Seahorse, who held the position of Archon in 2008, has not been heard from very much since he left office in January, 2009. In April of this year, however, he was selected by the Governors of the University to deliver the 101st commencement address on June 1.

Seahorse’s speech, delivered from the podium at the Hippo Campus of the University, began traditionally enough, with the former Archon emphasizing the importance of education in Animals’ lives and praising the perseverance of the graduates and their families. Then, suddenly, the speech took a political turn and Seahorse began to speak negatively in reference to “The Promise of The Park.”

“The Promise of The Park is a sham. I’m afraid you’ve been had,” he declared, as many in the audience gasped. A few — likely proponents of a different political system — could be seen wagging their tails in agreement.

As he continued in the same vein, the audience became agitated until, at last, Seahorse returned to the more neutral topic of the value of education.

With the speech brought to conclusion, Seahorse exited to mild applause. After the ceremony, graduates and their families admitted to a certain degree of puzzlement.

“I think he had some good points [to make]; I’m just not sure this was the appropriate occasion for bringing them up,” said one graduate of the Cuthbert School of Journalism.

Indeed, although many appeared to believe that another venue would have been more suitable for the former Archon to express his opinions, an informal survey showed that many of the graduates “mildly agreed” with many of Seahorse’s statements.

Still, many more took issue with the expressed criticisms and there have been calls for public censure of the former Archon. As of this morning, however, the President and the Governors of the University of West Terrier have refused to comment on the incident.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Education, Park Life Tagged With: Commencement Speaker

Ask a Poodle: The choice of collar colour is important

June 2, 2012 By Juliette Caniche, TMD Fashion Advisor

DEAR POODLE: I have a thick black coat that is very shiny and I would like to wear a collar that emphasizes it. I have tried many different colours of collars and they tend to get “lost” in my coat.

What would you recommend? – EBONY

 DEAR EBONY: The choice of a collar is a very important one: it emphasizes not only your coat, but the contours of your face and the colour of your eyes. The wrong collar can actually accentuate the negative and even make you look as if your neck has disappeared!

In your case, the choice of colour is even more important. Since you have a monochromatic coat, you must take care to wear something that emphasizes it but that does not stand completely apart from it.

You haven’t told me the colour of your eyes, but I am assuming that, like most Dogs with black coats, your eyes are brown. If they are blue, even more care will have to be taken in the selection of a colour for your collar.

My suggestion is to stay away from bright colours. Many Dogs believe that since bright colours provide a contrast to their coats, they are the most suitable. This is most emphatically wrong.

Some Dogs can get away with wearing a white collar (believe it or not) but, since we are heading toward the Winter season, this is not recommended. Try to avoid browny tones unless you find that they pick up on your eyes. Greens can be a mistake, as can blues. But you’d be surprised how well silver or a nice, soft black can emphasize your coat and outline your neck.

Ask a Poodle is a regular feature of The Mammlian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for the Poodle, please e-mail it to her at askapoodle@mammaliandaily.com. We regret that the Poodle cannot send responses directly to you.

Filed Under: Ask a Poodle, Breaking News

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