The Mammalian Daily

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Archives for May 2012

Radio host in hospital after locking horns with photographer

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Controversial Toro Talk Radio host, Yannis Tavros, was admitted to hospital this afternoon after suffering injuries resulting from a scuffle with a photographer.

Witnesses say Tavros was leaving the station after his daily broadcast, when a photographer from The Ruminant Free Press snapped a picture of him.

The enraged Tavros started to grunt, the witnesses report, and “mutter expletives, mostly about the flash in his eyes. Then he warned [the photographer] not to do it again.”

The photographer, reportedly, refused to heed Tavros’s warning and, after snapping a few more pictures, a scuffle with the radio star ensued.

“They locked horns and it took a herd of passersby to get them free,” said one witness, who asked to remain anonymous.

Tavros, bleeding at the scene, was taken by Elephant Emergency Brigade (EEB) to the Park Hospital, where he remains in satisfactory condition.

The photographer, who has been identified as Hannus Hanka, suffered less serious injuries and was escorted back to his workplace.

Barkettes documentary to open Park film festival

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The much-anticipated documentary about Thisbe and the Barkettes will open the Park Interspecial Film Festival this Autumn.

A spokesAnimal for the Barkettes confirmed early this morning that “I Love a Man in a Collar” will open the festival at the main venue and, also, go on to screen at the Hot Dogs section.

PIFF Communications President, Leola Ocelot, released a statement this morning, as well. Confirming the documentary debut, she called it “a coup for PIFF” and explained the surprising pre-season announcement.

“We couldn’t contain ourselves, we were so excited. We wanted everyone to know as soon as possible,” the statement read.

The documentary, which is now in its post-production stages, was directed by Rauf Wiedersehen Shepherd. In it, Shepherd traces the history and origin of Canine music as a parallel to the ascendancy of The Barkettes. The film takes its title from one of the group’s biggest hits.

R.F. Aarrf, President of the Canine Music Association, said in an interview this morning that he is “thrilled that the documentary is finally finished” and confident that it will be “celebrated appropriately.”

The 8th annual Park Interspecial Film Festival will take place October 1-5, 2012.

Jubilee cleanup most expensive in Park history

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The cleanup bill for last week’s Anixi Agrarian Jubilee has arrived and it is substantial.

The cost of straightening up The Park after this year’s event, which was the largest in its history, will “just about empty The Park’s coffers,” says Finance Officer, Milton Struts.

“Even the [celebration of the] establishment of zoocracy and calendar harmonization didn’t cost this much,” he says.

Organizers of the event say that its size and the numbers it attracts account for the hefty bill.

“The Park is growing in population and this year’s weather was extraordinary. Those two factors, alone, could account for the numbers we saw at the event,” says Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

Adding to the financial woes is the fact that some Finance Officers say the massive bill should come out of the groundskeeping account rather than the money that is allocated yearly for special events and celebrations.

“We are divided on this,” said Milton Struts in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

“The Special Event account is over-budget already, and we’re not even halfway through the year. Groundskeeping, on the other hand, has a small surplus, due to this year’s extremely mild Winter. It makes sense, I think, to pull the funds from there. I’m thinking ahead to next year and we don’t want to have to say that we’re cutting back on special events. That won’t go down well with Park Animals,” he warned.

Dear Noreen: Humans can make lovely dinner guests

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Official NoreenDEAR NOREEN: I have recently befriended a family of Humans and have found them to be quite good company.

We go for walks together and play ball together and I am just getting to the point of asking them over for dinner.

My question is: I have heard a number of stories about the eating habits of Humans and I wonder, if these things are true, is it such a good idea to expose my young to them?

What is your advice? — UNDECIDED

DEAR UNDECIDED: Anyone who reads this newspaper regularly knows my opinion of Humans: they’re lovely to look at…but I wouldn’t want to live with them.

All joking aside, since I don’t actually know what you have heard about Human eating habits, I can’t tell you whether or not they will traumatize your young.

What I can tell you is that Humans are different and if you are going to socialize with them in your home, you will have to be equipped for it. Whether or not this is worth your while is your own decision to make.

Beware, though, that Humans prefer most of their food cooked and they can be very finicky eaters. Many of them have large appetites, as well, and they eat several times a day.

All things considered, though, I have found that making the effort to socialize with other species usually pays off in the end, and I think the experience would probably do your young more good than harm.

Dear Noreen is a regular feature of The Mammalian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for Noreen, please send it via Twitter at @talkswithnoreen.

UWT to dispense with admission requirements

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Bowing to pressure from a number of citizen action groups, The University of West Terrier announced today that it will dispense with admission requirements as of the academic year 2012-2013.

In a statement released late this afternoon, the President and the Governors of the University outlined the institution’s “Plan of Action” for the future and explained the changes that will occur.

While, strictly speaking, admission requirements will be eliminated, the statement said, the University’s grading system and the requirements for post-graduate admission will remain intact.

“Essentially, the University will be moving from a system of undergraduate admission requirements to that of a system of academic maintenance requirements,” the statement read.

According to a spokesAnimal for the University, academic maintenance requirements systems have worked well in other educational institutions.

“The idea is to allow all students to enter the academic programmes of their choice. They will, then, be closely monitored and those who do not meet the standards required to maintain their place in the programme will be asked to leave,” the spokesAnimal explained.

The statement released by the University said that the new directive is “consistent with the University’s policy of equal opportunity and inclusion” and that the move is in keeping with the institution’s policy of recognizing and valuing the differences among the species.

“This move will align our student admission policy with our staff hiring policy, which is regarded as one of the most forward-thinking policies in academia. We look forward to welcoming able students of all species and languages and to benefitting from their experience and way of life,” the statement read.

Park Literary Awards to bear sponsor’s name

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The Park Annual Literary Awards (PALA) will undergo a name change at the end of May. They will bear the name of their sponsor, Chitter Radio, and be known officially as the Chitter Radio Literary Awards.

The announcement was made at a press conference late yesterday afternoon. Present at the conference were Albana Ketri, President and C.E.O. of Chitter Radio, members of the organizing committee, and the Director of Public Relations for The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, Aintza Kanariar.

“We think it is fitting that the Awards should bear the name of their proud sponsor,” Ketri said, as she unveiled the new logo for the event.

Until this year, the Awards had been supported by The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations. It was announced in January that Radio 244883.7 (known as Chitter Radio) would assume full financial sponsorship of the Awards, after budgetary constraints forced the Department to pull its funding.

The Awards will take place 15 June.

Has Anixi Agrarian Jubilee become too politicized?

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A day after the most successful and best-attended Agrarian Jubilee in history, a menacing question hangs in the air: is the annual celebration becoming too politicized?

Organizers of the event, which marks the beginning of The Park’s growing season, sniff at the suggestion.

“I see no evidence of that [politicization] at all,” said Miriam Wapiti, the celebration’s chief organizer, at a post-event party. “With the numbers we get, there will always be those who see this as an opportunity to further their cause, but they’ll always be a small minority,” she said.

Not so, says Gareth Shepherd, President of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) and a Guard Dog who was on duty during the Jubilee.

“We had to call in reinforcements, so many scuffles broke out…even among members of the [same] organization. It was three times more difficult to keep the peace and provide security this year than last year,” he said.

Sylvana Rana, of the anti-election group, Save Our Political System (SOPS), concurs with Shepherd’s view, though she sees it in a more favourable light:

“We signed up more Animals at the Jubilee than we have in the last five months,” she said.

Keeva Moffatt, President of the Spotted Skunk Sedan Patrol, said she counted representatives of so many organizations that “I lost count after a couple of hours.”

“I know there were at least twenty,” he said.

Even so, according to Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, the Jubilee went off “without a hitch.”

“There were no deaths, injuries, or serious incidents. I’ve seen much worse, even on Groundhog Day,” she said.

Ask a Poodle: When all that glitters is not gold…

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DEAR POODLE: The last few weeks, I have noticed a strange quality among many of the Animals whom I’ve met on my postprandial perambulations about The Park. Their whiskers appear to be sparkling, in a rather unnatural way. My offspring call me “old-fashioned,” but I don’t understand why one would want to accentuate one’s whiskers in this manner.

What do you think of this new fashion trend? – SPARKLE-FREE AND HAPPY

DEAR SPARKLE-FREE AND HAPPY: This is one of a number of such products that have come on the market recently. Just a few years ago, you might remember, (artificially) coloured toepads were all the rage and many of us spent the Summer of 2006 sporting “peachy keen,” “pansy purple,” and “flamingo pink” toepads.

The product to which you refer is intended for the whiskered set, a group that has never been known to be fashion-forward, so I am amazed that sales of this confection have been so brisk. I am not, personally, offended by the use of sparkle or colour (though I do draw the line at pastel-coloured coats); in fact, I think this fashion trend is a fine one, as long as it’s all done in good fun and not in an attempt to “better” ourselves or, indeed, to hide the very selves that we are. What does offend me is a product (which many of you will know and about which I “otter” write in another column) whose sole application (excuse the pun) is to give one Animal the attributes of another.

As beautiful as this artificial sparkle may render us, however, we should all be mindful of that old Park adage: “The glitter of a thousand whiskers begins with a heart of gold.”

Ask a Poodle is a regular feature of The Mammlian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for the Poodle, please e-mail it to her at askapoodle@mammaliandaily.com. We regret that the Poodle cannot send responses directly to you.

SCENTient Beings to join line-up at Agrarian Jubilee

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There’s a whiff of change in the air, as the annual Anixi Agrarian Jubilee prepares to welcome freshman artists, SCENTient Beings, to the 2012 entertainment line-up.

According to their manager, The SCENTients were invited by Jubilee organizers, “at the last minute, but they are honoured and thrilled to be performing at such an important event.”

The duo, who released their first recording, Beings and Nuttiness, ten days ago, has never performed before such a large audience.

“They have played The Tabby Club and they’ve been on the road for a few months, but they’ve never sung in such company or on such an important occasion,” their manager said.

One of the largest and most popular festivals in The Park, the Anixi Agrarian Jubilee marks the beginning of The Park’s growing season. Traditionally a mixture of sombre and sweet, the Jubilee has historically been a venue for more “tried and true” performers, such as Thisbe and the Barkettes and The Beasts of Burden. This year, however, organizers say they decided to “add something new and untried to the mix,” while maintaining the tenor of the occasion.

Other performers in the Jubilee line-up include Les Chiens Débraillés, The Feral Four, The Endeka Elephant Band, The Canary Cousins, The Tweeters, and Will.o.be.

The Anixi Agrarian Jubilee takes place on May 20, 2012.

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