The Mammalian Daily

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Archives for June 2012

Central Bank of The Park closed tomorrow for mid-year tally

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The Central Bank of The Park will be closed tomorrow, June 30, for its mid-year tally. It will re-open on Monday, July 2.

The tally dates back to pre-zoocratic days, when the Central Bank served both as a governing body and as a functioning bank, offering a full range of financial services to Park Animals. Since the establishment of zoocracy, the Central Bank’s main role has been to oversee The Park’s commercial banks and to advise on monetary policy, thus ensuring the viability of The Park’s financial system.

Both the Bank’s mid-year and end-of year-tallies have come under criticism lately from several commercial groups in The Park, including the Park Association of Shops and Servcies (PASS), whose members say that closing the Bank for two or more days a year for the purpose of an audit is an anachronism that impedes productivity and gives a negative impression of The Park.

The Bank has, thus far, not responded to the criticism.

Archons’ plan to promote Park tourism draws criticism

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A plan initiated this Spring to promote tourism in parts of The Park has met with criticism from a number of Animal groups.

The plan, which was revealed to the public just days ago, was conceived by Chief Archon George Irving Nathan Gallagher Newt, according to a source close to the Archons.

Newt, who became Chief Archon in January of this year, was the owner of a profitable recreational facility when he was chosen by lottery to serve as Archon. His plan to make The Park an attractive venue for non-residents has infuriated a number of Animal groups, who question the wisdom of inviting outsiders to spend more time in The Park.

“Personally, I don’t understand the whole thing,” says Ferit Kokarca, President of Skunks Against Gunk. “They come here and make use of our beautiful facilities, but they don’t add anything substantial to the economy,” he says.

Wellington Whistlepig, founder and current president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) concurs: “It’s not as if they buy anything from our shops,” he says.

In the meantime, The Park’s environmental groups, incensed by the plan, have decided that action speaks louder than words. Some particularly infuriated members of the group, Keep Your Paws out of Our Ponds, have set up barriers in the new tourist areas in the hope of discouraging return visitors.

Still, there are those who see positive aspects to welcoming tourists to The Park.

Park Finance Officer, Milton Struts, says studies have shown that other Parks have benefitted “not just financially, but culturally” from interacting with outsiders. And André-Philippe Campagnol, the new owner of the popular Park restaurant, The Compost Heap, says his eatery has been the beneficiary of “a significant windfall” since tourists have begun frequenting The Park.

“We’re finding that we’re able to offer a wider variety of fare this summer,” he says.

Radical group claims responsibility for leaked report

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The radical political group, ArchonWatch, has claimed responsibility for intercepting a secret report that includes details of planned changes to some of The Park’s core laws.

The radical political group, ArchonWatch, has claimed responsibility for intercepting a secret report on Wednesday.

The report, which was leaked to The Mammalian Daily, includes details of planned changes to some of The Park’s core laws.

“We are proud to take responsibility for informing The Park’s citizens of plans that will affect them adversely. We hope that, by doing so, we may be able to prevent the further erosion of zoocracy,” the group said in a statement released this morning.

The group, whose stated goals are “to support zoocracy and freedom in The Park,” traces its origins to the foundation of zoocracy 30 years ago. Its most recent public campaigns have been in support of establishing annual elections for the selection of Archons, rather than continuing the present system of sortition or lottery. The group is also rumoured to have financial ties to other political groups in The Park, including Lizards for Liberty and Produce for Progress.

Archons plan to outlaw washing in public: secret report

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Life may be about to change dramatically for Animals who call The Park their home.

According to a confidential report obtained by The Mammalian Daily, there is a plan afoot to alter the public behaviour of resident Animals.

According to the report, the Archons are considering a plan to change some of The Park’s core laws, namely those that pertain to public comportment and guarantee Animals the right to “behave as they do naturally, according to their own species and land of origin.”

The plan, which goes by the code name, ParkPerfect, lists 15 laws that, in the language of the report’s authors, “require modernization to bring them in line with current belief systems and ways of life.”

In addition to modifying Animals’ bathing behaviour, the Archons are considering enacting or modifying laws that pertain to public acts of self-expression and food gathering and consumption.

No time frame for the changes was mentioned in the report.

Archon’s memoir honoured at Chitter Radio Literary Awards

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Defying his naysayers, former Archon Nicholas Gander took first prize in the Memoir category at the 2012 Chitter Radio Literary Awards on Friday night for his controversial autobiography, Not Good for the Goose.

Gander, who is new to the literary world, began his working life with The Park’s Goose and Gander Search and Rescue Association. In 2008, he was chosen to serve as Archon and the largest part of his memoir deals with the time he spent in that position.

Gander’s book stirred controversy immediately upon its release last October. One review, published in the Equine Echo, accused his publisher, Herring Press Books, of “profiting from tales told out of school” and another reviewer called the memoir “a big, honking mess.”

On hand at the Awards, Herring Press Manager Alida Silver brushed off talk of the controversy, saying only that the traditional silence of former Archons is “now a thing of the past.”

Other winners on Friday night were veteran novelist Hercule Parrot, playwright D.B. Platypus, poet Storm Walrus, and short story writer Albertina Mayfly.

Seahorse nixes retraction, plunges headlong into controversy

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Retired Archon Wyndham Seahorse refuses to retract his comments regarding The Promise of The Park

Retired Archon, Wyndham Seahorse, plunged headlong into renewed controversy yesterday, when he refused to retract a statement he made two weeks ago about “The Promise of The Park.”

Speaking at the 2012 commencement ceremony at the University of West Terrier, Seahorse called the concept “a sham” and told the graduating class, “You’ve been had.”

Asked point blank by a Park Aquatic Animal Television (PAATV) reporter whether he regretted his comments, Seahorse replied, “Not at all,” and began to elaborate further on his theme.

“I think it’s important for our young to know that they’re not headed in the direction they’ve been led to believe,” he said.

Seahorse continued in that vein for approximately a minute and a half before the reporter cut him off. Visibly frustrated, the 2008 Archon continued to talk, saying later that he believed he had a very important point to make, whether Animals wanted to hear it or not.

“I served as an Archon for one year and I saw what was going on in The Park and in the wider world. I would think the value of that would be recognized, but I see that, sadly, it is not,” he said.

Deaths from premature awakening on the rise: study

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A little more than two weeks before the official date of estivation, The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has released a report on the health of The Park’s hibernating communities.

Entitled, “Premature Awakening: The Dawn of an Epidemic?” the report relates the results of a two-year study of the incidence of premature awakening among The Park’s hibernating citizens. The study was conducted by the DWBS in collaboration with the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine and the Park General Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm.

According to the report, deaths from premature awakening have risen 30% in the last two years. This past Winter alone, several hundred Ground Squirrels were found dead outside their burrows weeks before the official end of hibernation.

“We assume they were looking for food and became disoriented,” says Oliver S.P. Franklin, head of the Confederation of Ground Squirrels. “It was a real blow to the community.”

While the report documents the rise in incidence, it offers no definitive answers as to the cause.

“This is just the beginning,” says Dr. Jagger Zebu, Professor of Mammalian Medicine at the University of West Terrier and one of the authors of the report.

“The matter requires much further study before we can be confident of an explanation,” he says.

NIML wow crowd at Park’s first pop-up music event

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NIML (Not In My Lifetime) was in fine form on Monday as they wowed the crowd that quickly gathered at The Park’s first pop-up music event.

It was an ordinary, hazy Monday afternoon, spectators said, when lead singer, Beau Ballentyne, grabbed a microphone from inside his shopping bag and began to belt out the group’s signature tune, MYPod or Yours?

The other two members of the group quickly joined him for what turned out to be a half-hour impromptu concert at the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond.

“There’s never been anything quite like this,” said onlooker Zaffi Newt. “They made quite a splash. It was a nice break in the day.”

Not everyone was pleased, though. The end of the concert was marred for some by a few vocal members of the group, “Keep Your Paws Out of Our Ponds.” Holding waterproof placards, they marched in a circle around the pond for a few minutes but, with no response from the crowd, they soon left.

“I don’t think they had many supporters there,” Newt said.

Dear Noreen: Kiss me quick

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Official NoreenDEAR NOREEN: I was adopted a year ago by a pair of Humans. Almost everything is perfect, but one thing puzzles me. From the beginning, these Humans have had the strange habit of placing their lips on the top of my head. This action lasts only a second and it culminates in a soft, smacking sound.

Now, I am not a puppy; I have been sniffed, chewed, nuzzled, and licked, but I have never had anyone plant their lips on me. Can you tell me what the significance of this gesture is? Should I be worried about it? — PERPLEXED

DEAR PERPLEXED: The action you describe is known as “kissing.” (This is not to be confused, of course, with “hissing,” which is something else altogether, especially when performed by our Feline friends.)

Kissing is a holdover from days gone by and, in the Human world, it serves no other purpose than to transfer a feeling of affection from one individual to another. Though it seems primitive to us (not to mention downright useless), Humans make quite a thing of it. They’ve even developed a number of different forms of kissing and their pride in that achievement has led them to write long treatises on the subject and to fill whole stanzas of poetry with recollections of their kissing events.

There’s no need to fret, though; the gesture, itself, is entirely harmless. But, only you can decide whether it is right for you.

As for my personal tastes, anyone who reads this newspaper regularly knows my opinion of Humans: they’re lovely to look at it, but I wouldn’t want to live with one…or be kissed by one, either.

Dear Noreen is a regular feature of The Mammalian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for Noreen, please send it via Twitter at @talkswithnoreen.

New prize announced for merging artists

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Maple Tree Television has established a new prize that is to be awarded every Autumn to honour The Park’s best merging artists.

MTTV President, Tibor Jelen, made the announcement yesterday at the station’s annual stakeholders’ meeting.

Jelen said the station had experienced “an unprecedented increase in the number of viewers” over the past year and attributed the rise in numbers to the station’s change in focus from news to arts programming.

“We have become, primarily, an arts television station,” he said, “and, for that reason, we decided it was appropriate to reward those who have played a large part in our success.”

Jelen said MTTV chose to honour “merging artists” because some station executives felt that The Park’s collaborating artists were “under-exposed.”

“We thought this was a good way to bring them [merging artists] to the public’s attention,” he said.

Merging artists are artists who work in only one field of the arts and who collaborate with one or more other artists who work in another, distinct field.

The first MTTV Merging Artist prize will be awarded this Autumn. The exact date and location have yet to be determined, Jelen said.

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