The Mammalian Daily

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Archives for July 2012

CAA renews campaign to “Bring Back the Dog Paddle!”

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The Canine Athletic Association has renewed its campaign to reinstate the Dog paddle as a competitive stroke.

In a statement published today, the Association once again asserted that the swimming stroke, which fell out of fashion some years ago, is an excellent test of aquatic prowess and should be reinstated in time for the next Interspecial Summer Games in 2013.

A spokesDog for the CAA said the Association’s renewed efforts will include multimedia coverage featuring well-known Park sports figures as well as celebrities such as Bisbee Bichon and I.S. Chow, stars of Varden Spaniel’s 2009 film, Stuffed Dogs Don’t Shed.

“This will be an all-out sensory assault,” said the spokesDog, who confirmed that radio spots had been scheduled on all Park radio stations, public service announcements will be broadcast on all television stations and advertisements will run in most of The Park’s print media.

“We’ve even commissioned a new scent, ‘Soggy Dog’, which will be available for purchase exclusively at the Reek-O-Rama beginning in September,” he said. Proceeds from the scent will go to supporting Canine athletes who are currently training to swim in the Dog paddle competition at the 2013 Summer Games.

“That’s how sure we are that we will be successful this time around,” said the spokesDog.

The Canine Athletic Association launched its first Dog paddle campaign two years before the 2008 (26 AZ) Interspecial Summer Games. That campaign, however, was not successful.

The 2013 Interspecial Summer Games will take place during the last two weeks of September 2013.

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Banking scandal prompts special meeting of Archons

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A special meeting of the Archons has been called to discuss the activities of some of The Park’s banks.

An investigation that revealed significant irregularities in The Park’s banking system has prompted a special meeting of the Archons this afternoon.

According to Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons, the purpose of the meeting is to discuss the implications of the results of an investigation conducted by The Park Finance Office (PFO) into the internal activities of several of The Park’s major banks.

Files obtained by The Mammalian Daily indicate that the Monotreme Savings Bank (MSB), the Arthropod Commercial Bank (ACB) and the Founding Families Financial Corporation (FFFC) are alleged to have engaged in a system of internal lending that violates the PFO’s rules of conduct and puts the value of some customer deposits at risk.

At a press conference held early this morning, Alouatta refused to comment on rumours that the three banks have been lending funds to each other in one curency only: Ftoo.

If the rumour is true, say financial experts, it could have a major effect on financial institutions and on life in general for residents of The Park.

“If that is what they are doing, then they effectively have established an official currency in The Park and exchanged funds accordingly,” says Sierpinski Squirrel, Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners and author of Tools for Trade: Ten Strategies for Expanding The Park’s Economy.

The Park does not currently have an official currency and the establishment of one in law would require the usual unanimous agreement of the Archons.

“If these rumours are true,” says Sierpinski, “it means the banks, essentially, have usurped the power of the Archons and assumed the role of government. That would be a very serious and dangerous situation for us to find ourselves in,” he says.

Security breach at LynxedIN leaves hundreds vulnerable

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A security breach at LynxedIN has left The Park’s refugee Lynx population vulnerable.

A security breach at the network run by the LynxLink charity has left hundreds of The Park’s immigrant and refugee Lynx and their families vulnerable to abduction, incarceration, and murder.

A spokesAnimal for the charity, which assists immigrants to The Park through its LynxedIN network, told The Mammalian Daily that the charity discovered the breach late last night.

“We became aware of a problem with our systems and immediately shut down our network.  IT experts from the University of West Terrier arrived within an hour to help us,” she said.

Unfortunately, the IT help came too late for The Park’s Lynx. Experts discovered that the identities of hundreds of Lynx were stolen from the charity’s systems.

“It’s a worry, to be sure,” says LynxLink spokesAnimal Lucia Castilla. “Some very sensitive information has been stolen from our database, including the names and addresses of Lynx who have escaped from zoological parks and so-called ‘nature reserves’. The Humans who run these are very aggressive; they’ve been looking for these Lynx and they will stop at nothing to find them. Unfortunately, this has made it easier for them to do so.”

LynxLink confirmed that it has advised all Park Lynx of the problem and the charity has assured them that it will assist them in all ways possible to maintain their security within The Park.

“The safety of The Park’s Lynx is of paramount importance to everyone,” says a message on LynxLink’s web site this morning.

Park Finance Office comes in early on cuts, late on budget

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Although The Park’s Finance Office will present the 2013 budget late, it has already announced cuts in funding

Struggling to meet the demands of a growing population, The Park’s Finance Office (PFO) announced today that it will be late in presenting the budget for the fiscal year 2013.

At a press conference held this morning, Park Finance Officer Milton Struts said that configuring the coming year’s budget has been an “agonizing process” for the PFO and, as a result, it will not be able to present the budget until “mid-August, at the earliest.” Budget projections for the coming year have been announced in mid-July since the establishment of zoocracy.

Despite lacking an actual budget, Struts was able to confirm the rumours of cuts to funding in the areas of arts, sports, and special events.

“It was a tough decision, to be sure,” said Struts. “But it came down to…do we take the money from healthcare, security, refugee services? These are not areas that can be funded by anyone else. But arts, sports, and events can and some events have received private funding in the past. We’ve had success with sponsorships from Park businesses and we’re hoping to see more of that in the coming year.”

When asked about expectations regarding The Park’s economy, Struts said there was reason to believe there would be growth in the coming year.

“We continue to be cautiously optimistic about The Park’s fiscal future,” he said.

Park’s music makers at work on first interspecial song

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For the first time in history, a group of The Park’s music makers have banded together to produce the first interspecial song.

The song was commissioned by The Board of Governors of The Park Museum and will be performed at the museum’s opening ceremonies in 2013.

A spokesAnimal for the museum’s Governors said the idea for the song came to the Governors while they were studying the architectural plans for the new museum.

“It all came together in their minds…the different stages in the development of The Park…the prehistory…the establishment of zoocracy,” he said. “It seemed fitting [to them] that we should celebrate how far we’ve come in a song.”

At last count, there were ten groups involved: The Canary Cousins, The Feral Four, Eggie and The Pigs, The Beasts of Burden, Les Chiens Débraillés, Scentient Beings, The DomEstyx, The Endeka Elephant Band, NIML, and rapper Will.o.be. The new grouping does not have a leader, Eggie of Eggie and The Pigs told The Mammalian Daily.

“We’re going to see if we can do this in a completely zoocratic way,” he said. He also confirmed that proceeds from the sale of the song will go to support the museum.

“We’re hoping the song will be successful enough to give the museum a financial boost,” he said.

With the working title of “The Promise of The Park,” the song appears to be on track to do just that.

Bad Boy Chef to open new restaurant at Park Museum

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Bad Boy chef Tab Tricolore will open the PurrBoy Café at The Park Museum

Bad boy chef, Tab Tricolore, will open his next restaurant at The Park Museum, according to a statement released on July 15 by The Museum’s Board of Governors.

The new restaurant will be called the PurrrBoy Café and will serve formal lunches and dinners, as well as take-away meals for those on the go. The restaurant will commence service approximately two weeks before the museum’s opening ceremonies take place.

Insiders speculate that Tricolore will engage the services of Tagma Design for the new café’s décor. Tagma Design is the firm Tricolore has used for each of his four restaurants.

“Tab trusts them completely. I think he has definite ideas about what he wants for this restaurant. I think he wants it to be not only different, but special,” said a source who wished not to be named.

Tricolore has made headlines over the years for his penchant for wild scenes and sudden staff firings, as well as for occasionally pouncing on customers who complain about his food.

“Tab has little patience for customer complaints,” says his former saucier, Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla. “He’s a perfectionist and he figures if you’re complaining, you just don’t get it,” he says. “He’s the same way with staff.”

To his credit, Tricolore says he will be hiring staff for the new restaurant “from within The Park”, as he has done for each of his restaurants. According to his web site, training will begin three months after all staff members are hired.

The Park Museum is scheduled to open in 2013.

PIFF adds new film category to 2012 roster

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The Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF) has announced the addition of a new category to festival judging: PIFF Pockets.

At a press conference held this morning, PIFF Communications President, Leola Ocelot, confirmed the long-awaited addition.

“The Park’s filmmakers have a proud history in the area of pocket films,” she said. “We are delighted to be adding that category to our roster this year and we look forward to awarding our first prize in the category of PIFF Pockets.”

Pocket films are generally defined as films that do not exceed three minutes in length. To qualify for the PIFF Pocket category, films must have been made specifically for the Festival and must have their first screening at the Festival. Both pocket documentary and pocket fiction films are eligible for submission, Ocelot said.

Submissions to the Festival will be accepted from 9:00 a.m. on Friday, July 20, 2012 until midnight on Friday, September 21, 2012.

The 8th annual Park Interspecial Film Festival will take place October 1-5, 2012.

CatsCare Foundation puts out urgent call on behalf of formerly domestic Cats and Kittens

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The CatsCare Foundation has put out an urgent call to Park citizens to assist in the re-homing of hundreds of formerly domestic Cats and Kittens.

CatsCare Community Fundraiser, Elwanda Lynx, issued the call early this morning, as the charity began to run low on supplies for the Cats.

“Some of these Cats have never lived on their own,” she said. “They need everything — food, water, building materials for homes. There are mothers who have new litters, who need a place to stay for the next few weeks. We’re saying to any Animal in The Park who has room for these Cats, or can donate some time or money, please do so,” she said.

Lynx said the Cats are some of thousands who have begun to flee their homes outside The Park.

“I think we’re seeing the beginning of a movement…or even a revolution,” Lynx said. “Many of these Cats were abducted when they were Kittens. They know almost nothing about Park life, but they’ve chosen to take the risk and leave their comfortable domestic situations for the chance to pursue real lives as Cats. It’s our duty to help them as much as we can.”

Not all the Cats are leaving voluntarily, however, and not all are escaping “comfortable” situations.

According to CatsCare Re-Homing Specialist, Lisandara Puma, many of the Cats making their way to The Park have come from abusive situations and some of them have even been abandoned.

“Some have been left just outside The Park’s fence, just left there to find a new life on their own. And many of them lack not only the means, but the skills to move forward without help. And what we’re seeing more and more of is Cats who are coming to us with the signs of [having suffered] physical abuse. Many of them have no claws on their front paws or they’ve had their tails removed. These Cats will require special care,” Puma said.

For more information or to volunteer or make a donation, please contact CatsCare at 228-72273.

“Weightless Whiskers” boost Park’s Q2 retail sales

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“Weightless Whiskers,” the newest product developed by Park-based accessory manufacturer I.E. Baffolungo, S.A., has boosted sales in The Park’s retail sector over the last quarter.

According to figures reported by the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), the product is responsible for a 100% increase in sales during the second quarter of the year.

“We’ve seen a phenomenal rise [in retail sales] over the first quarter,” says Wellington Whistlepig, founder and current PASS president. “It’s obvious a great deal of it is related to this new product.”

Baffolungo’s Chief Marketing Officer, Darina Yak, attributes some of the product’s success to the company’s marketing strategy and, specifically, to the timing of its release.

“The release in late Spring worked perfectly,” said Yak.

Footpad Heaven, The Park’s oldest shop, was the first retailer to stock Weightless Whiskers, giving them a prominent place in the shop’s windows and on its shelves.  Manager Adamma Bandicoot, who traces her ancestry back to the shop’s founder, expressed high praise for the product.

“Nothing could be more welcome in the heat than a set of whiskers that doesn’t weigh you down and that’s something that hasn’t been available until now,” she said.

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