The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Archives for October 2014

Park Finance Officer mobbed at last night’s PIFF awards ceremony

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Park Interspecial Film FestivalPark Finance Officer Milton Struts was mobbed last night, according to witnesses, as he attempted to enter the Park Cinema for the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF) awards presentation.

Several attendees, some of whom were producers whose films were up for awards, said that four of the Guard Dogs stationed at the entrance had to intervene when a group representing the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) started to bite Struts as he passed by.

One witness said that some of the Animals pulled at Struts’s feathers, while another confirmed that “more than one” sent spitballs his way.

“They were hopping mad [about the budget] and they weren’t going to let him pass without letting him know,” said one source who wished to remain anonymous.

Other Animals claimed that Stan the Spit Man, whose signature slogan is “Spitballs from Heaven!” instigated the attack on Struts as a publicity stunt to promote his business.

“There was sort of a pop-up spit shop right behind the Park Cinema. I saw it,” said witness Konrad Eule.

Calls to Stan the Spit Man have not been answered directly, but through a spokesAnimal, Stan denied any involvement in the campaign against Struts.

“Stan the Spit Man does not involve himself in politics,” the spokesAnimal said. “Nor does he endorse the use of spitballs for political purposes.”

Struts, who was ushered into the Cinema for the awards presentation, was not seen exiting at the end of the evening. He is believed to have stayed at the Cinema until it was safe for him to be escorted home by Park Police.

The Dog Paddle: Noon Nuttiness opener cracks us up: review

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Manwel Kelb, left, and Eamon Madra star in The Dog Paddle as rival swimmers forced to compete together as paddlers after a mixup occurs in the qualifier for the “big race.”


The Dog Paddle
♥♥♥♥♥♥

Starring Manwel Kelb, Eamon Madra and Vicente Perro. Directed by Sofia Koira. First screening: October 2; repeat screening October 4 at the Park Cinema. 72 minutes.

The Dog Paddle, which stars two of The Park’s best known Canine comedic actors (Kelb and Madra) as well as newcomer Vicente Perro, hinges on a familiar Park issue: two rival Canine swimmers are vying for the opportunity to compete in the first-ever Dog paddle event of the Interspecial Summer Games. After the qualifying final is cancelled due to a vicious storm, the athletes are told that both their names have been entered in the “big race.” What Kelb and Madra’s characters realize too late is that the big race they’ve been entered in is a different kind of Dog paddle race: one that involves two Dogs, two paddles, and a canoe.

The reaction of the two characters to the news that they must cooperate with each other rather than compete (and do so in a canoe) nets us some priceless physical comedy — the sort that both actors are famous for.

But it’s what happens next that elevates The Dog Paddle to comedic art: the film slows down just long enough to allow us to see both Dogs in a different light. In this case, it’s the twilight before the big race, when they finally decide they’d better talk strategy if they’re going to have any chance at all of winning.

In the hands of another director, this scene might have turned the film into a tragicomedy. But in the hands of the skilled and savvy Sofia Koira, who is quite a hoot herself, the poignancy becomes so off-balance that it rights the canoe and steers the rest of the film to its conclusion, which I won’t spoil for you here.

Who would have thought that a send-up of the Canine Athletic Association’s bid to reinstate the Dog paddle as a competitive swimming stroke could be so funny? Certainly not this critic, but the surprise was well worth the humility with which I will be forced to live for some time.

One last assignment: Noreen to cover Frankfurt Book Fair before leave starts

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Noreen official badge portraitNoreen will be taking a short break from her work here at The Mammalian Daily in order to promote her book, Lovely To Look At.

But before her leave starts on November 1, she has accepted one last Mammalian Daily assignment: covering the Frankfurt Book Fair in early October.

In a press release dated today, Mammalian Daily managing editor Orphea Haas confirmed both Noreen’s six-month leave from the paper and her last assignment:

It is with great pleasure that we announce today that our advice columnist Noreen will be taking a six-month leave of absence commencing November 1. She will be spending that time promoting her book, Lovely To Look At.

Before she leaves us, though, Noreen has accepted one last assignment. She will be covering the Frankfurt Book Fair (http://buchmesse.de/en/) between October 8 and October 12. We take pride in being the only Park newspaper to be sending a correspondent to the largest book fair in the world.

Although we will miss her come November, all of us at The Mammalian Daily wish her great success in this and in her future endeavours.” 

Stay connected to Noreen by following her on Instagram and Twitter:

Noreen reporting from the Frankfurt Book Fair: http://twitter.com/NoreenatTheFair

Instagram: http://instagram.com/officialnoreen/

Talks with Noreen on Twitter: http://twitter.com/talkswithnoreen

Kanariar speaks out about budget

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Harvest Festival and others may be downsized in 2015

Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, spoke out this morning about the 2015 budget and the ways in which her department may be affected.

During an interview with host Yannis Tavros on Toro Talk Radio, Kanariar admitted that the budget as proposed presented a “significant planning problem” both for her and for other Park departments. In fact, she said, her department was already looking at ways to reduce the cost of the remaining 2014 celebrations.

“It’s a tricky business, though,” she told Tavros.

“We’ve already made agreements and signed contracts and we can’t get out of those. But I do think, at the very least, that we will have to scale down the celebrations and perhaps shorten the hours.”

While she stopped short of calling the budget “bad,” Kanariar said she thought it was short-sighted.

“I think that in trying to simplify, they’ve complicated matters ten times over,” she said.

As for next year, Kanaria warned Park residents to expect a series of “simpler celebrations.”

“Unless there are changes in the budget, we won’t know far enough ahead how much we have to spend. Because of this, we will be planning to have less at our functions. But that doesn’t mean they will be any less successful. We are all able to have fun and enjoy ourselves, no matter what. Our life here in The Park is worth celebrating. And who knows? Perhaps less will turn out to be more in the end,” she said.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

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New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

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