The Mammalian Daily

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Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Archives for October 2014

Park Animals may be predisposed to eating Human food: Noreen

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Official Noreen

Park Animals may be predisposed to eating Human food: Noreen

We shouldn’t judge Park Finance Officer Milton Struts too harshly if, in fact, he did accept an offer of food from Humans.[pullquote]The prolonged exposure to Humans experienced by Park Animals has had a profound effect on our senses, most notably our senses of smell and taste. — Noreen [/pullquote]

So writes Noreen, Mammalian Daily advice columnist and adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier, who begins a leave of absence tomorrow to promote her new book, Lovely To Look At.

In an open letter to be published this weekend on The Mammalian Daily web site, Noreen encourages Park citizens to be “tolerant of the effects that proximity to Humans has had on our population.”

“There is scientific evidence that has come to us from experiments performed at the University of West Terrier that indicates very strongly that the prolonged exposure to Humans experienced by Park Animals has had a profound effect on our senses, most notably our senses of smell and taste,” she writes.

It is not surprising, then, that we have developed a taste for Human food, despite its inferior quality and our limited ability to digest it.

“Time was, no Park Animal would even consider eating something a Human eats. But times have changed. Not only do we consider it, but many more of us than we realize actually do it. It is the ‘dirty little secret’ that many Animals will not speak about. Whether or not Mr. Struts did eat the food as has been reported, it opens up a dialogue that we should have had a long time ago.” she writes.

lovely-to-look-at-front-coverNoreen’s book, Lovely To Look At, will be published in early November.
Copies will be available for purchase at the Toronto International Book Fair (November 13-16) and on the publisher’s web site thereafter.

Finance Officer Milton Struts “strangely absent” from State of The Park Account

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Finance Officer Milton Struts was nowhere to be seen during Tuesday’s Account of the State of The Park

Park Finance Officer Milton Struts was not in attendance on Tuesday afternoon as the Park Archons delivered their annual Account of The State of The Park.

After repeated requests for clarification by members of The Park’s media, the PFO finally issued a statement this morning, confirming that the architect of the controversial 2015 budget was absent from Tuesday’s proceedings.

Although the short statement offered no explanation for Struts’s absence, many in The Park believe that he has fallen ill as a result of eating food that was offered to him by Humans.

Struts was last seen in public earlier this month when he attended the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF) awards ceremony. By all accounts, he looked well that evening, though some said they thought he was showing signs of stress.

“Considering the treatment he received [that night], I thought he was holding up fantastically,” says Konrad Eule, who saw Struts beat back spitballs and suffer bites from a group of Animals.

Struts was ushered into the Cinema that night but was not seen exiting and it was believed at the time that he stayed inside until it was safe for him to be escorted home by Park Police.

Though theories abound as to his whereabouts and the reason he stayed away from the State of The Park Account, no definitive statement has been made by him or on his behalf.

Park Museum poaches PMoCA curator

By

Park Museum

Dorika Pumi has been appointed head curator of the Park Museum’s art gallery

One of the most prolific and adventurous curators the Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) has ever employed has been poached by the Park Museum.

In a controversial move that some say bodes well for its future, the soon-to-be-opened Park Museum confirmed in a press release yesterday that Dorika Pumi will assume the position of head curator when the Park Museum opens in January.

In an announcement on the Museum’s web site, the Board of Governors called Pumi’s appointment, ”one of many milestones along the road to the realization” of the Museum. The press release also included praise for her work.

“We are honoured that she has accepted our offer and we look forward to nurturing a long and fruitful relationship with her,” it concluded.

Pumi, who is best known for her 2013 art installation How Much Was That Doggie in the Window? was also responsible for the Museum’s K-NONical Kismet exhibit and the controversial but well-received series of sketches entitled, Better To Be Lost Than Loved.

Read the Park Museum’s press release here.

Human diet “deadly” for all: Park nurse

By

Park General Hospital nurse Hermione Hippo

Whether or not, as has been alleged, Park Finance Officer Milton Struts accepted food from Humans, health care specialists are issuing a stern warning to Animals who might be tempted to try the food of The Park’s two-legged visitors.[pullquote]Human food is no longer real food. It is a deadly combination of chemicals and garbage. — Hermione Hippo, Head Nurse, Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm[/pullquote]

“The Human diet can kill you,” says Hermione Hippo.

The veteran health professional and current head nurse at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm spoke bluntly and honestly in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio yesterday afternoon.

“Human food is no longer real food. It is a deadly combination of chemicals and garbage and eating it will likely result in a number of health issues, not all of which are treatable,” she said.

The well-respected nurse went on to describe the processes that result in what she calls “barely recognizable forms of food” and “ingredients that are so filthy and ugly that I hesitate to mention them on-air.”

Hippo said problems arising from the consumption of Human food have been documented not just by health care workers, but by The Park’s top groomers and aestheticians, as well.

“We are even looking at the possibility that certain conditions, such as Bovine Lumpy Skin Disease, are caused by Human food [consumption]. Our fellow citizens should take care not to graze in areas that may have been used as picnic lands by visitors,” she said.

Hippo offered this advice to those who believe they inadvertently may have ingested Human food: go directly to your physician or to the hospital, she said.

“We have ways to treat this type of poisoning in the early stages, so don’t wait. If you believe you may have eaten Human food, seek help immediately.”

Controversial new “game” lets Animals experience capture, domestication

By

New Park game

Groups blast game that lets players experience capture, domestication

A new game that bills itself as “the extreme Animal experience” is being criticized by many, including some of The Park’s citizen aid and action associations.

The game, which is called “Kokemus!,” was created by KartalTechSolutions, S.A. in association with Geoffrey’s Cat Entertainment. This is the first time that Geoffrey’s Cat Entertainment, best known for their award-winning film, Black Cats Can’t Jump, has ventured outside the world of film.

In a statement released today, leaders of the majority of The Park’s immigrant and refugee aid groups came down hard on the game, saying it “traumatized the young, caused and promoted fear, and made light of the real experiences suffered by Park Animals.”

Angus Deerhound, media relations representative for Runaway Rovers, a group that assists formerly domestic Canines, called the game “despicable” and suggested that it be outlawed as soon as possible.

“If the creators of this game knew anything about the situations they depict as fictional, they would never have produced such a thing. It is an insult to any Animal who has survived enforced domestication,” he said.

Inez Gallina, President of Home to Roost, echoed Deerhound’s sentiments this morning in an interview on CLucK Radio.

“They [the creators] must be heartless to suggest that it’s fun to put Animals through the kind of trauma that we see every day,” she said.

But Talia Katsikas, Founder and Director of the Working Wounded Performing Arts Company, praised the game.

“Anything that raises awareness of the plight of those who have experienced enforced domestication or suffered the pain and loneliness of immigration, is a positive thing, in my view. The more they play that game, the greater will be their understanding of many of our fellow citizens. We should all welcome any opportunity to spend some time in another Animal’s coat,” she said.

Finance Officer Milton Struts accepted food from Human: rumour

By

headsNtales

Gossip site says Struts accepted food from a Human last month

Beleaguered Park Finance Officer Milton Struts is in the news again, this time for what may be a major indiscretion on his part.

The Park’s “most-watched” gossip site headsNtales is reporting that the creator of the controversial 2015 budget accepted food from a Human less than a month ago.

According to the site, Struts was strolling through The Park when he encountered a pair of adult Humans carrying a picnic basket. The site alleges that Struts “willingly” accepted an offer of food from the basket.

“This did not appear to be a case of coercion,” headsNtales co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo said in an interview on CLucK Radio this morning.

“From what we can tell, Struts was free to decline, but he chose not to.”

While Guacamayo claims the gossip site is in possession of photographs that prove the story, no hard evidence has appeared on the site since the original story was posted on Saturday.

If, in fact, it can be proven that Struts accepted the food, he could be found in violation of Section III.iv.vii of The Park’s Employee Conduct Act, which stipulates that no Animal currently employed by any branch of The Park’s government “shall request or accept from any Animal any form of remuneration, including currency, food, shelter, entertainment or other, inside or outside The Park.”

Park Repertory Theatre to raise funds from tours of Aardeekhoorn’s burrow

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The Park Repertory Theatre will host tours of playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn’s burrow

The burrow of the late playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn will be the subject of a series of guided tours hosted by the Park Repertory Theatre, The Mammalian Daily has learned.

The tours will help the theatre raise much-needed funds, according to Chief Executive, Valencienne Castor.

“We struggle to make ends meet and Imogen was well aware of the situation. I believe that was one of the reasons she left the burrow to the theatre,” Castor says.

Aardeekhoorn, who died this past July, willed her burrow to the theatre on the condition that it remain as it was found after her death. Castor is adamant that “nothing has been touched or moved” since the will was probated by the law firm founded by Ingmar Prärievarg.

Before the probate, there was talk of opening a second stage in the burrow or a studio space for students of the Millicent Hayberry Centre for the Study of Drama and Performance at the University of West Terrier. Those plans have been shelved, at least for now, said Castor, in part due to funding issues.

“We are not able, at this time, to contemplate opening a second space and we do not want to enter into a competition with the Burrow Theatre,” Castor told The Mammalian Daily.

“Our goal is to honour Imogen’s wishes and we know that she wanted the Park Repertory Theatre to survive.”

Simply Structures loses bid to build 2015 prognostication pad

By

jgroundhogday

Simply Structures has lost the bid to construct the 2015 prognostication pad

The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations announced today that it has selected Nesthetics as the provider of the 2015 Groundhog Day prognostication pad.

In a short statement released this morning, the department said it was impressed by the company’s bid and by the foresight it demonstrated with regard to the sturdiness of materials and design.

This is a huge blow to Simply Structures, the company that has supplied the materials, design, and construction of the prognostication pad for over ten years.

In the statement, the department acknowledged its longstanding relationship with Simply Structures, expressing appreciation for their work in the past and saying it hopes they will bid again for the job in the coming years.

Simply Structures has made no response to the decision thus far, but The Park’s business leaders say they are flabbergasted by the decision.

“Not to put too fine a point on it, but I think this has to do with last year’s shadow controversy,” said Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this afternoon.

“And I think it’s despicable if that’s the case, because they’re letting a few disgruntled Animals who didn’t like the prediction to dictate the fate of a very good business.”

Sierpinski Squirrel, Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners, agrees.

“This will be a huge blow to their bottom line and, quite frankly, I don’t think the decision is justified,” he said. “I think it’s a knee-jerk reaction. They’re covering themselves in case the same kind of controversy occurs this year and I don’t think that’s the right move.”

The controversy last year began seconds after Solange Marmotte, 2014 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), declared that The Park could expect another six weeks of Winter because she had seen her shadow. A group of disgruntled spectators claimed the shadow that Marmotte had seen was not her own, but one that appeared as a result of a fault in the Prognostication Pad.

The organizers brought in a team of shadow experts to rule on the matter and they decided that, given the paw and claw that appeared on the artists’ tracings, the shadow must indeed have been Marmotte’s. Shortly thereafter, Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon signed the Official POPS’ Proclamation.

A lawsuit filed by the group of disgruntled spectators was thrown out of the courts a short time later.

Tavros calls Kanariar “foolish, traitor”

By

YannisTavros

Yannis Tavros: in trouble again over remarks made after interview with Aintza Kanariar

Toro Talk Radio talk show host Yannis Tavros has found himself in hot water once again over remarks he made about Aintza Kanariar of The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

Following an interview that he conducted last week with the Public Relations Director, Tavros called her “foolish,” “a traitor,” and “lacking in insight.”

The radio talk show host, who is known for his candid talk and less than flattering view of Park officials and celebrities, has refused to respond to queries regarding the remarks.

A spokesAnimal for the radio station says they are “investigating the matter.”

“Naturally, we take its seriously, but I want to stress that whether or not he made the remarks, he was not at any time speaking on behalf of Toro Talk Radio,” the spokesAnimal said.

While even some of Tavros’s staunchest supporters have called it “tactless” and “counterproductive,” others say that it’s high time Animals stopped acting as if Park employees were beyond criticism.

Hieronymous Hedgehog, who was himself criticized quite harshly by Tavros almost two years ago, came to Tavros’s defence earlier this afternoon.

“I say, I think he has a point. Is she acting in our best interest or her own?” he asked.

Kanariar has not responded to the alleged remarks, nor has the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

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