The Mammalian Daily

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Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Archives for April 2015

New date announced for Park’s annual Anixi Agrarian Jubilee

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May 23

The Anixi Agrarian Jubilee will take place on Saturday May 23

The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations has changed the date of this year’s Anixi Agrarian Jubilee.

In a brief statement released this afternoon, Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the department, announced the change from Wednesday, May 20 to Saturday, May 23.

“The official date of the Jubilee has always been May 20, which falls on a Wednesday this year. The Department felt that a weekend celebration would be more fitting for the occasion and as a result, we have changed the date to Saturday, May 23. No other changes are anticipated,” the announcement said.

Last month, the organizers of the Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic changed the day of its annual event, as well. After deciding to hold the Picnic on a Sunday they announced they would make a formal request to designate the third Sunday of March as the Picnic day. The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations has not announced any plans to do the same for the Anixi Agrarian Jubilee.

Mating Dance to offer pre-registration, free counselling to endangered species

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Golden Mantella Frog

Meet me at the Mating Dance!

Organizers of the 2015 Mating Dance will be offering members of The Park’s endangered species a pre-registration package that includes free genetic and psychological counselling services, it was announced today.[pullquote]These Animals experience tremendous psychological barriers that they must overcome in order to procreate. I think this is the least we can do to help them in this endeavour. — Dr. Berthilidis Strix, Extinction Anxiety Clinic[/pullquote]

In a communiqué issued to all media this morning, the organizers of the event said that the unusual move comes as a response to the results of a number of population and attendance studies conducted at the University of West Terrier over the past five years:

“Based on the results of these studies and after a series of consultations with the Department of Well-Being and Safety, we have taken the decision to offer these special services to members of The Park’s endangered species.”

A spokesAnimal for the Dance said that all eligible Animals will have the opportunity to pre-register for the dance as of April 20.

“Let us be clear: this is not a pre-selection service that we are offering,” the spokesAnimal said.

“The pre-registration is meant to enable these Animals to make early contact with those who may be interested in meeting them at the Dance. We hope that this will raise the attendance level of our endangered species.”

Studies indicate that members of The Park’s endangered species have the lowest level of attendance at the Mating Dance.

According to Dr. Berthilidis Strix, head of The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic, many Animals in the endangered community have “psychological and other problems” that lead to difficulties in relating to other Animals.

“This may seem ironic, since they are the ones who most need to reproduce, but there is a good reason for these low attendance levels. These Animals experience tremendous psychological barriers that they must overcome in order to procreate. I think this [pre-registration package] is the least we can do to help them in this endeavour,” she says.

Pre-registration for the Mating Dance will begin at 10:00 a.m. on Monday, April 20 at the offices of the Department of Well-Being and Safety. All Animals must bring proof of their eligibility in the form of their membership in The Park’s Endangered Species Benefits Programme (ESBP).

Park innovators to watch: abSCENT

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abSCENTFourth in a series

Can abSCENT make the heart grow fonder?

Perhaps not, but it definitely can help it stay stronger and more faithful, according to its maker, DoftTek, S.A.

A relative newcomer, DoftTek specializes in scent-related products and was voted The Park’s most promising company last year by The Cosmopolitan Pest. The abSCENT app is the company’s first foray into wearable technology.

The innovative app, which DoftTek launched on Monday, works like a “virtual locket,” allowing users to store the scents of their loved ones so that they can access them at any time.

“Physical absence need never be a barrier to relating,” said DoftTek spokesAnimal Lars Myskoxe, who demonstrated the app outside the Reek ‘O Rama yesterday.

The crowd oohed and awed as Myskoxe showed the potential users how easy the app makes it to retain a “dynamic memory” of their loved ones.

“It’s authentic,” said Keeva Moffatt, President of the Spotted Skunk Sedan Patrol and a Reek ‘O Rama regular.

“It does what it says. The scent is pure and, from what I could tell, it doesn’t degrade. This is something every Park Animal will want,” she said.

Myskoxe claims the uses for the app are “unlimited,” and will grow in number as more and more Animals “make it their own.”

“In its present form, it can store up to ten scents. We are planning to expand that within the next five years,” he said. “I can see it eventually becoming a necessary tool for all stages of life,” he said.

The app is currently available only through the company and at the Reek ‘O Rama, which intends to offer it at a discount on May 5 only, the date of the annual Mating Dance.

“That will be its biggest test so far,” said Myskoxe.

See also:
TulipTracker™
FoodFinder™
gaggle

Barkettes’ concert sold out: promoter

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Barkettes ticket

SOLD OUT! Tickets for the next concert will go on sale May 1.

If you were still hoping to get tickets to the Barkettes’ May 8 concert, you’re out of luck, according to the event’s promoter, Iglu Entertainment.

“Tickets for the Barkettes’ first Park concert of the Bring Your Own Bone tour sold out within two days,” the company’s web site advises.

But take heart: there are three other Park concerts scheduled and tickets for the next one, on May 12 at the Wishing Well, go on sale May 1.

The dates for the other two concerts have not yet been released.

Clementina Araña appointed head judge of 2015 Toe-Hair Contest

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Clementina Araña

Clementina Araña: head judge, 2015 Toe-Hair Contest

Artist Clementina Araña will serve as head judge of the 2015 Toe-Hair Contest.

At a press event at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, Aintza Kanariar of the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, made the formal announcement:

“We are thrilled to announce that Clementina Araña has agreed to serve as head judge of the 2015 Toe-Hair Contest,” she said.

“One of the premier artists working in her medium, Clementina Araña has exhibited her work at the Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA), The Kipos Gallery, and The Knochen Kunst Gallery, as well as at a number of venues outside The Park. We are confident that her keen eye for detail will prove valuable on Contest day.”

In making the announcement, the longtime Director of Public Relations for the body that chooses the judges emphasized the importance of the position of head judge:

“The position is an important one because, should there be a tie, the head judge, who is an Animal with greater expertise than the other judges, has the ability to choose the winner. It is a position of responsibility that calls for a great deal of knowledge and personal integrity,” she said.

Kanariar also announced the other four members of the judging panel: Quinta Caribou, Antonio Geco, Remus di Rafineschi, and Esko Lammaskoira.

The Toe-Hair Contest, which is in its 20th year, is set to commence at 10:00 a.m. Park time on May 1.

Pro-election group finds support in esteemed director Douglas Cheetah

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Douglas Cheetah

Free elections are the only way to combat inequality in The Park: Douglas Cheetah

The Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP) now has an ally in the person of award-winning film director, Douglas Cheetah.

In a statement released this morning by Cheetah himself, he says that he has come to the “sad conclusion” that the only path to true equality among the species is the establishment of free elections to choose the members of The Park’s governing body (the 35 Archons who serve a one-year term).

“I had always hoped otherwise, but it appears that we have let tensions among the different species interfere with our good sense. The only way that I can see to stop the ongoing erosion of the principles of zoocracy is to establish a system in which we choose our leaders directly,” he says.

Although CASP president Antoine Lézard claims he was “stunned” by Cheetah’s announcement, media-watchers say they saw it coming, after Cheetah sat down for an interview last month with Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros. In that interview, they say, Cheetah hinted at his change of allegiance.

“Speaking on behalf of a beleaguered group, that is striped and spotted Animals,” Cheetah said to Tavros, “I believe there are political solutions to the problems that, in the past, we have been too timid to consider,” he said.

Although he refused to elaborate on his thoughts during that interview, many believed that Cheetah was advocating the end of sortition.

CASP’s Lézard, who is himself a striped Animal, says he believes that Cheetah’s “realization” will influence many Park Animals to seriously consider the issue.

“We all understand what a very difficult situation we are in, since sortition was the method of governing that our founder, Jor, established. But we may have reached the point at which we have to consider other options. The Park has matured in the many years since zoocracy was established, but our political system has not kept pace,” he says.

Food insecurity to become Park Animals’ biggest challenge: DWBS

By

Park Raccoon

Food outside The Park will soon become harder to find: DWBS

BREAKING NEWS
Food insecurity is the next big challenge Park Animals will face, according to a report released today by The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS).

At a press conference held at his office this morning, DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo discussed the findings of the new report, “Sources of Sustenance.”

According to the report, which was commissioned two years ago by the Archons and the DWBS, sources of food for Park Animals will become scarcer in the next few years. The report cites a number of reasons for this finding, chief among them the “increasing ingenuity displayed by the Human species.”

“It is our sad duty to report that the Human species is more intelligent than previously believed. It has developed ingenious tools to hide and, therefore, hoard its food. There will come a time in the not too distant future when our success in sourcing food outside The Park will depend mainly on Human error,” the report concludes.

Humans are not the only reason for the prediction of food shortages, though. Other reasons cited in the report include weather changes, imprudent planning, budget shortages, and lack of innovation in food sourcing.

“We have relied too heavily on old methods of gathering food,” Kakapo said the report warned. “We are at a crossroads and we need to encourage innovation in this area.”

While the report may appear to paint a bleak picture of The Park’s future ability to fulfil its own food requirements, Kakapo cautioned against seeing it as entirely negative.

“New technology, such as TulipTracker, BulbBeacon and other applications demonstrate that the ingenuity of Park Animals is equal to the task. We have faith in our own intelligence and our ability to deal with these upcoming challenges,” he said.

Court date set, SplotchWatch owner Raimundo Zorro to face three charges

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Raimundo Zorro

Raimundo Zorro, SplotchWatch owner

BREAKING NEWS
Raimundo Zorro, the owner and operator of the controversial web site, “SplotchWatch,” appeared before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon this afternoon in The Park’s Superior Court, where he was formally charged with two counts of “inciting hate” and one count of “inciting discord.”

According to his lawyer, Pernilla Varghund, the former charges refer to the intent of his web site; the latter charge refers to its effect.

The SplotchWatch web site names Animals who have had their spots or stripes removed. Zorro claims he provides this service in the interest of openness and honesty.

Varghund, a junior partner in The Park’s oldest law firm, Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd, spoke on behalf of her client during the proceedings. Zorro pleaded not guilty to all charges. A court date has been set for June 25.

Outside the courtroom, in the middle of the media frenzy, Zorro stopped to greet a few Animals whom he said were his supporters. Not long after, he was whisked away by his lawyer, who told attending media that he was unlikely to appear again in public before his trial.

Fowl Ball organizers on second annual event: “We are all systems go!”

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Fowl Ball

This year’s Fowl Ball will be bigger and better than the first, organizers promise

The bands have been booked, the food’s been arranged, and the items that will appear on the auction block are awe-inspiring.

“We are all systems go!,” says Rafael Ortega, the event’s chief organizer.

With a year’s experience under his beak and already having dealt with a difficult situation (last year’s grooming house stampede), Ortega says he’s ready for anything but “expecting nothing out of the ordinary” this year.

“This year will make last year look like it was a rehearsal,” he says, as he struts around his office.

Claiming that he has “assurances” from The Park’s grooming houses that they’re prepared for the onslaught of pre-Ball customers, he says he can relax for a week or two before gearing up again in May.

“There is no chance that we will see a repeat of last year’s tragedy,” he states firmly. “We had no idea how successful the event would be in its inaugural year, nor how hungry Park Animals were for a more formal post-Winter celebration.”

Indeed, he believes, this year’s attendance should be even higher, given the difficult Winter The Park experienced this year.

“We’re looking forward to higher numbers, more fun, and even more funding for the cause of Avian aid,” he says.

The Park’s second annual Fowl Ball will take place on Sunday, May 31, 2015. Tickets go on sale April 15 and will be available at all Park retailers, as well as at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. 

Barkettes donate original Stuffed Dogs Don’t Shed sheet music to Park Museum

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Stuffed Dogs won't shed…or be forgotten

Stuffed Dogs won’t shed…or be forgotten

It’s the song that launched their career and now they’ve ensured that it will live on forever.

Thisbe and the Barkettes announced today that they will donate the original sheet music plus several early drafts of the lyrics of Stuffed Dogs Don’t Shed to The Park Museum.

In a statement released this morning, the band’s manager Hilde Blaft confirmed that the Barkettes had been in talks with the museum “for some time” and had finally reached an agreement regarding the song.

“This is a very emotional and meaningful donation,” Blaft said. “Stuffed Dogs marked a turning point in the Barkettes’ career and they’ve always had a deep fondness for the song.”

Canine Music Association president, R.F. Aarrf applauded the announcement, saying the donation would not only “cement” the band’s place in The Park’s musical history, but that it would help to bring our rich cultural life to the attention of the Archons and the Park Finance Office.

“Years of underfunding have taken their toll,” Aarrf said recently. “We need to be more supportive of our cultural community.”

The Barkettes, whose performing hiatus of several years ended a few months ago, are scheduled to begin their “Bring Your Own Bone” tour next month. Their first concert will be held at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre on Friday, May 8, 2015.

Read The Park Museum’s announcement here.

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