The Mammalian Daily

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Archives for March 2016

Food growers, app makers at odds as Tulip season begins

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TT3The Park’s technology sector has come under fire from what seems like an unlikely source: the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF).[pullquote]The natural ways allow for a more even distribution of food than these apps will ever do. If all Park residents used these apps, our food sources would dry up within a few days and we would be forced to import even more food from outside The Park.—A.P. Civet, president, Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers[/pullquote]

In a paid advertisement, the SCPCPGF accused the makers of apps such as TulipTracker, Bulb Beacon and FoodFinder™ of working against them by setting up expectations that food growers can’t possibly meet.

In the ad, which appeared in all print media yesterday as well as on three billboards, the Society made a plea for slower adaptation of technology as it relates to food production and consumption.

“As you know, the goals of our Society include ensuring the autonomy of Park farmers and preserving our food-growing lands for the nourishment of our population. These goals are difficult enough to reach without the interference of those outside the farming community. But now, the makers of food-finding apps are encouraging Animals to abandon their natural practices of finding food. The natural ways are paced and allow for a more even distribution of food than these apps will ever do. If all Park residents were to use these apps, our food sources would dry up within days and we would be forced to import even more food from outside The Park. That would be devastating to the economy, as well as to our health,” the ad said.

Neither SINCAP Technologies, the developer of Bulb Beacon, nor TulipTracker developer GVC De-Techt has publicly commented. on Civet’s accusations.

What you need to know:
The SCPCPGF was formed in 2008, after that year’s Archons interfered with farmer autonomy on The Park’s food-producing lands. In 2012, an undercover investigation revealed that the 2011 Archons and the Park Finance Officers had agreed to “rent” out portions of The Park’s farmland to Humans for their personal use. At that time, the Society broadened its mission to include being a “policy watchdog” to ensure the fair administration of any legislation regarding farming.

Shakeoff 2016: “If you have a coat, share it with those who don’t!”

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The Park's semi-annual Shakeoff runs today until 8 p.m.

The Park’s semi-annual Shakeoff runs today until 8 p.m.

The first Shakeoff of 2016 begins at ten o’clock this morning.

The semi-annual event, formerly known as the Shake for Charity, is “all about Animals helping Animals,” says organizing committee head Andras Yak.

“Our goal [in collecting hair] is to help those who cannot grow an adequate coat, for whatever reason. They need to be protected from the harsh elements of the seasons.”

New this year is the participation of a number of groups from species who don’t have hair or fur.

“We’re very proud that our Arthropods and our friends in the Fish community will be in attendance to assist us. They’ll be collecting hair, and serving refreshments,” Yak says.

Making a return appearance will be the on-site groomers, including KwikLiks, who will be offering free, new hairstyles to participants.

“And, of course, there will be lots and lots of refreshments courtesy of Florette’s Fine Edibles, The Nut Bar, Ants in Your Pantry, Clowder, The Cackling Goose and The Draft,” says Yak.

The Shakeoff runs today from 10:00 a.m. to 8 p.m. at locations across The Park.

UWT research group pinpoints location of harrumphocytes in Mammals

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UWT COATA group of researchers at the University of West Terrier has succeeded in pinpointing the location of harrumphocytes in Mammals, it was announced today.

“We are so excited about these results,” said Dr. Jagger Zebu, Professor of Mammalian Medicine at UWT’s School of Medicine, at a press briefing at the university this morning.

Dr. Zebu, who oversees the team of researchers, said the breakthrough will offer a much-improved life to Mammals everywhere.

“This new information will eventually enable us to turn harrumphocyte production on and off, thereby giving Mammals who suffer from a harrumphocyte imbalance more control over their lives,” he said.

He and his research team have spent the past ten years studying harrumphocytes, the cells that are believed to be responsible for producing feelings of primary apathy and secondary negativity in Mammals. For the last five years, they have been trying to locate the centre of harrumphocyte generation, which they now believe to be the plithern in Mammals.

“Harrumphocytes in Mammals are distinct from those in other classes of Animals,” Zebu says. “It’s been very difficult, given the wide range of species and variations in size, for researchers to accurately locate their centre of generation.”

The group’s findings will be published in the May issue of The Park’s prestigious scientific journal, Eureka.

We owe our quick success to the fast pace of Park life: KwikLiks owner

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KwikLiks

Groomer credits fast pace of Park life for success of business in first year

It’s been almost a year since Maitea Behi opened the doors of KwikLiks, The Park’s first—and so far, only—”flash” groomer. But what a year it’s been.

“We opened at the end of April and we had a bit of a slow start, what with the warm weather taking its sweet time to arrive and being up against a number of established groomers,” she says.

Nevertheless, Behi was determined to ride out the lean times, even though, with the financial burden of a staff of groomers (five full-time and eight part-time) working long hours seven days a week, she knew the business wouldn’t turn a profit for a few years.

Even when things started to turn around in the Summer, though, Behi  says she didn’t dare take her success for granted.

“When we started, we were a new concept, so we had to explain what flash grooming was. I think it seemed impossible to many Animals, particularly those who were used to spending half a day at the groomer’s,” she says.

But with some time and what she calls “smart marketing,” Park residents were able to see the value in a place that could groom five hundred Animals an hour.

“Life is so busy these days and that makes it difficult for Animals to find the time to spend at the groomer’s. But that doesn’t stop them from wanting to look their best, and that’s where we come in. We owe our success to the quickening pace of life in The Park.”

And this year, Behi is looking forward to participating in Tuesday’s semi-annual charity “Shakeoff.”

“We’ll be on site all day, doing what we do best. It’s a great cause and we’re thrilled to be able to join The Park’s other groomers at the event. It makes me feel like we really belong,” she says.

The Shakeoff (formerly “Shake for Charity”) runs Tuesday from 10:00 a.m. to 8 p.m. at locations across The Park.

Tickets for Hayberry mystery series gala opening on sale today: Burrow Theatre

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Ticket for Gala

Tickets for the gala opening of the new Gianfranco Colocolo mystery series will go on sale this afternoon at one o’clock at the box office of The Burrow Theatre.

The series of mystery dramas by the award-winning author of Murder at the Fishbowl will begin on April 8 with Godwit. The names of the next two plays in the series have yet to be announced.  All three will be directed by Jean-Luc Briard and star renowned actress Millicent Hayberry in the rôle of the “chirpy” detective.

The series has been in the works for several years, according to an interview given by Colocolo in Misterio magazine.

“This is my first foray into stage drama, but I’ve been thinking about doing it for some time,” he said.

He also admitted that he wrote the detective rôle with Millicent Hayberry in mind.

“I hoped that presenting her with a fait accompli would help get her on board with the project and I like to think that it did.”

For her part, Hayberry, who is best known for her portrayal of the late author Imogen Aardeekhoorn in both the stage and screen productions of Mixed Nuts, has said that she embraced the rôle because it was out of her comfort zone and she thought it was time to retire her Mixed Nuts image.

“It’s a problem with a huge success like that,” Colocolo said in the magazine interview. “You become identified with one character and the audience refuses to accept you as any other. The same thing happened to me with Fishbowl. I think both Millicent and I have come together at the right time.”

After its gala opening, Godwit will run until the first week of May.

Look what’s coming up this Spring!

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Put this on your calendarSpring may not be busting out all over yet, but there’s plenty to look forward to in The Park. Put these events on your calendar:

March 29: The Park’s semi-annual “Shakeoff”
“If you have a coat, share it with those who don’t.”
Formerly the “Shake for Charity,” this semi-annual event aids those who have no coat. The Shakeoff also offers free grooming and refreshments to participants.

March 30: Tulip season
Yes, it’s that time of year already. But if you’re not yet prepared, stay tuned to The Mammalian Daily for some helpful tips in locating your favourite Springtime bulbs.

April 8-10: The Broop ‘n Miaow’s annual “Broopee Days”
Are you a Broopee? We’re all Broopees during the Broop ‘n Miaow’s annual Broopee Days! Try the super-specials in April and don’t forget the instant win contests!

April 15: Footpad Heaven Clearance Sale
Don’t be a slave to style! Even though it may be last year’s stock, FH’s Toepads, Footpads and other clearance accoutrement are brand new. Indulge yourself at half the price!

May 1: Toe-Hair Contest
We’ve been waiting all Winter and now we finally get to see who grew the longest and thickest toe-hairs. Have fun, argue about the outcome, and get inspired for next year!

May 5: Annual Park Mating Dance
The most important mating event in The Park. This year, organizers have partnered with gewper, the only scented social networking site. That should make finding the right mate simpler and quicker!

May 20: Anixi Agrarian Jubilee
Come celebrate Spring in The Park, as well as the cultivators, planters, growers, and farmers who will produce the Summer and Autumn bounty!

May 30: Otter Mud Slide Opens
Slip and slide your way to fun in The Park. There’s no doubt: you “otter” do it!

May 31: The Fowl Ball
The most important event in The Park’s Spring social season, this charity gala raises funds to aid The Park’s Avian Community. It’s also a great opportunity for Park Animals to show off their new coats and Spring finery!

PMoCA announces 2016 live art installation, “Anatomy of a Bath”

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Anatomy of a BathThe Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) has revealed the details of its fourth annual art installation.

At a press conference held this afternoon, Aulikki Norsu, president of the museum’s board of directors and head curator Aamuun Maroodiga announced the museum will unveil its latest installation at the beginning of May.

Entitled, “Anatomy of a Bath,” the installation is the second live art installation the museum has hosted. The first was the wildly successful, “How Much Was That Doggie in the Window?” which was presented in 2013 by then PMoCA curator Dorika Pumi.

As Pumi did with “Doggie,” Maroodiga recruited Animals from The Park’s refugee communities, as well as from charities, including CatsCare, LynxLink, and EQUALSS, to staff the twenty-four hour exhibit. The Animals will be presented in groups of six and each individual will be showcased for ten minutes every hour during a shift of six hours. So far, Maroodiga has recruited four full-time groups and one back-up group and, she says, interviews are ongoing.

“We have to be prepared, once we open,” she says. “Once they see what we’re doing, more Animals will want to join in and others will tire of the work. I expect we’ll be hiring throughout the life of the exhibit.”

Details of the gala opening are expected to be released within a week.

New director brings big changes to annual Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic

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K.N. Polar Bear

Kumaglak Nanuq Polar Bear: “We must not be afraid of change.”

First, it was haiku. Now, it’s rap.

“The Picnic has to change. How else can it grow?” says its chief organizer, Kumaglak Nanuq Polar Bear.

Nanuq, who took over this year from Seymour K. Worthington Polar Bear, has a long-term plan for the Picnic. And rap is just the beginning.

“I reached out to Jargonhead first. I said we need you to come on board this year. And he didn’t hesitate. But not only did he not hesitate, he stepped up and brought us Will.o.be., GCH…even the Tweeters. He was amazing.”

A very grateful Nanuq gave them free rein, so he has no idea what they will perform.

“The only thing I told them…I said I love your music, but this is still a poetry festival, so maybe tone it down a bit,” he says.

But rap isn’t the only change attendees will see this Sunday.

“Not everything is different, but most of it is,” Nanuq says. “We’ve kept the best of our traditions but we’ve thrown out everything else.”

Still, there’s one thing Nanuq admits he has no control over: the weather. According to the forecast, Sunday’s event will be a pretty chilly one.

“There is the risk of frozen nose syndrome, but we hope there’ll be plenty to keep you warm enough to avoid it,” he says.

The Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic, which is in its 21st year, will begin at 10:00 a.m. Park time on Sunday, March 20.

TMD policy could harm Park media’s Month Without Metaphor: Tinamou

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MonthWMThe Mammalian Daily’s longstanding policy of not revealing the names and species of its reporters could jeopardize the success of Park media’s third annual Month Without Metaphor, says Alvin Tinamou.[pullquote]We are living in an age of incredible transparency, yet Haas runs her newspaper from the darkness of a cave. It’s high time The Mammalian Daily let its readers judge its quality and its authority by themselves.—Alvin Tinamou, publisher of The Avian Messenger[/pullquote]

In a front page piece that appeared in his newspaper today, Tinamou—the publisher of The Avian Messenger and one of the organizers of the May event—called on TMD managing editor Orphea Haas to “modernize” and to “get out ahead of your colleagues’ criticism.”

“We are living in an age of incredible transparency, yet Haas runs her newspaper from the darkness of a cave. Those old ways of wielding authority in that manner have given way. It’s high time The Mammalian Daily let its readers know who is reporting their news so they can judge its quality and its authority by themselves,” he wrote.

Tinamou also accused The Mammalian Daily of being hypocritical by participating in Month Without Metaphor (MWM), saying the annual media event was meant to strip news reporting of its “fiction, obfuscation, and obscurity” and replace it with simplicity and clarity.

“How can this event be taken seriously by other media and grow in to the movement it was meant to be when one of its major participants refuses to stop pulling the wool over its readers’ eyes?” he asks.

Yannis Tavros threatens to reveal names of Mammalian Daily reporters

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YannisTavros BREAKING NEWS

The Mammalian Daily has its lawyers poised to file a cease and desist order if Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros makes good on his promise to reveal the names of all of the newspaper’s journalists.

In a tweet this morning, Tavros said he planned to reveal the name of one journalist per day until he has named them all:

Tavros tweet

In an earlier tweet, the talk show host asked his followers if they agreed that it was time for the newspaper to reveal the names and species of its reporters. Tavros also claimed last week on his radio show that ninety per cent of Park Animals think it’s time for the paper to make the move toward transparency. He claimed the figure of ninety per cent came from a poll that he commissioned in February, just after Groundhog Day.

“The Animals of this Park have spoken and The Mammalian Daily should listen,” Tavros said in closing his show last Thursday.

In a statement issued an hour after the tweet was posted, TMD Managing Editor Orphea Haas said she would not be bullied into changing the paper’s longstanding policy of anonymous reporting.

“The Mammalian Daily will not bow to pressure from outsiders, particularly those who demonstrate a profound lack of journalistic integrity. When and if our editorial team decides to change our longstanding policy of anonymous reporting, it will be as a result of deep thought, full discussion, and conviction, It will not be the result of bullying,” the statement said.

Tavros has thus far not responded to Haas’s statement, nor has he indicated when he intends to begin naming the reporters.

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