Satirical fiction in newspaper form
As of September, visitors to The Mammalian Daily’s main web site will be able to enjoy our Wednesday Rewind along with our Facebook and Twitter followers.
Every Wednesday, we’ll post an article from a bygone era. You’ll know it’s a Wednesday Rewind article when you see the symbol on this article.
So, enjoy your weekly blast from the past, compliments of The Mammalian Daily’s chief archivist. See you in September!
As Gunnar Rotte ended his sojourn at The Park Jail on Friday, a group of University of West Terrier professors was joining forces to lecture The Rodent Commoner journalist on the ethics of conducting his so-called social experiment.
Rotte, who was arrested for disturbing the peace and jailed for inciting violence at The Park’s Stereotype Sunday on August 14, was freed on bail on Friday. He claims that he attended the event dressed as a Skunk as part of a “social experiment” to determine which Animal’s life was easier: that of a Rat or that of a Skunk.
The reporter, who began a second career last November as a counsellor at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic, rose to fame in December 2014, when he published an editorial contending that his own species suffered more but received far less sympathy than striped and spotted Animals. Since then, he has made it part of his mission to enlighten Park citizenry about the lives of Rats and other Rodents.
But the UWT group, which includes Chief of Research at the UWT Medical College Simone Gibbon, psychologist Hume. T. Goat, Milada J. Goose, head of the Honking Hollow Laboratory, and Magnus P. Marmoset, who holds the Simian Chair in Political Philosophy, among others, thinks Rotte should go back to school first and learn how to conduct an experiment properly. Or, better yet, leave the social experiments to them.
In a statement released this morning, the group praises Rotte for his passion, but calls on him to leave the academic studies to those who know how to conduct them.
“While we understand your passion and your position, we implore you to think twice before embarking on something that could benefit few, but hurt many,” the statement concludes.
Rotte has not commented on the group’s statement as of yet.
The organizers request the honour of your presence at the following event:
Entitled, “Patterns in Life and Art,” the 2016 Park ART Walk will celebrate the artistic accomplishments of The Park’s striped and spotted population. The organizers of PAW 2016 wish to thank its partner and collaborator, Holstein Fashion, for its support.
The Park ART Walk is a one-day, juried art exhibition that showcases the artistic expression of Park residents. Showings will take place at participating art galleries, shops, theatres and cinemas. This year’s jury will include curators from The Ewe and Moo Gallery, the Park Museum of Contemporary Art and the Tortoiseshell Gallery.
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LeTwiggery 
Amoltrud’s Aesthetics 
The Nut Bar
Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations
The Tabby Club
The PurrBoy Café 
Since presenting her 2017 Budget yesterday morning, Park Finance Office head Valentina Abeja has embarked on a media tour that will see her visit most of The Park’s radio and television stations in the coming weeks.
This will be the first time that a Budget Chief has taken to the airwaves to discuss the financial decisions she’s made on our behalf. Yet, this year, it may be entirely appropriate, since the words in the budget say far more about Abeja’s intent than the numbers do.
One example of that is an expense category that has seen not only a three percent increase over last year, but a name change, as well. “Refugee Support” is now listed as “Refugee Aid,” and that’s a change that, not surprisingly, The Park’s refugee aid groups are welcoming.
“We were thrilled to see the change in the name. It signals a real shift in the way the PFO is thinking about helping these Animals, going from indirect support to direct aid,” said Inez Gallina, president of Home to Roost, one of many groups that assist refugees and new immigrants.
The Mammalian Daily’s full analysis of the budget will be published next week.
PFO head and Budget Chief Valentina Abeja: poll says she is liked and well-respected
A poll taken last week by The Cosmopolitan Pest has found that most Park Animals feel positively about current Park Finance Office head Valentina Abeja.
The magazine’s poll was taken August 10, exactly one week ahead of Abeja’s second budget. The results show that the successor to scandal-ridden Milton Struts is viewed as a good head of the Finance Office, even though some thought her first budget was too conservative.
Abeja, who famously told Park citizens last year that they “couldn’t have tomorrow’s lunch today,” is nevertheless seen as “responsive” and “responsible” to The Park’s residents. Other adjectives used in connection with Abeja included, “wise,” “stable,” “competent,” and “intelligent.” Those surveyed also said they believed that Abeja has The Park’s best interests at heart.
“It’s clear from the results that our respondents had Milton Struts in mind when they answered some of those questions,” said the magazine’s editor Inès Puceron in a Mammalian Daily Radio interview this morning.
Abeja, who was appointed for a two-year term in February of 2015, has demonstrated her thoughtfulness and understanding of The Park’s residents throughout her term, according to Puceron.
“Valentina Abeja has a certain rapport with Park Animals that Milton Struts never had. He stood apart from them and every budget seemed to them like a reprimand, whereas not only last year’s budget, but Abeja’s remarks beforehand showed that she was one of us,” Puceron said.
The PFO head will present her 2017 budget, formally known as “Park Expense Projections,” tomorrow at eleven o’clock in the morning.
Gunnar Rotte was hauled off to jail yesterday afternoon, after what he calls a “social experiment gone awry.”
According to a spokesAnimal for Park Police, The Rodent Commoner journalist was arrested for disturbing the peace and jailed for inciting violence at The Park’s weekly Stereotype Sunday.
The charges stem from Rotte’s actions yesterday, when he arrived at the weekly event disguised as a Skunk, claiming he was visiting family. Rotte contends he was trying to prove that Skunks receive more hospitality in The Park than Rats.
What he failed to anticipate, however, was that his “experiment” would offend Park Skunks.
It didn’t take long for him to find out, though. After about half an hour of walking around the Ancient Open-Air Theatre, tasting snacks and questioning other attendees, Faramund Stinktier, of the SCENTient Beings, outed him, declaring for all to hear, “I smell a Rat!”
The singer and composer, who was born a Skunk but now identifies as a Zebra, spoke to The Mammalian Daily by telephone this morning. He says he was incensed by the idea that a Rat would pose as a Skunk for the purpose of claiming that Skunks’ lives are easier than those of Rats.
“I may not feel in my heart as though I’m a Skunk, but I have experienced my entire life as a Skunk and I know it isn’t easy. We are are shunned by many, including Humans, and we suffer the same trauma as any other Animal in that position. I take offence to what Gunnar Rotte did and I believe he should apologize to the entire Skunk population of The Park,” he said.
Rotte will appear before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon this afternoon. He will be represented by Pernilla Varghund, junior partner in The Park’s oldest law firm, Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd.
The Park Museum’s exhibition, Creations from the EDAM Collection, enters its third week tomorrow. The wildly popular exhibition of one hundred and seventy-five items of clothing that were created exclusively for June’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM) has attracted a record number of visitors to the museum and has thus far surpassed all expectations in terms of support for Holstein Fashion’s charity, EQUALSS.
As a gesture of goodwill toward those unable to attend the exhibition, the museum has allowed The Mammalian Daily to display a small number of the creations on its web site. The slideshow appears below.
We wish to thank the museum for its generosity.
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Rapper Will.o.be.
The gossip site headsNtales says it has evidence that Rapper Will.o.be.’s father is also his brother.
In a post dated today, the site’s owners claim to be in possession of documents that prove it to be “an irrefutable fact” that the popular Park musician is the product of his mother’s liaison with her son, Philippe Sauvage.
Sauvage, who is the lead singer in the Feline band, The Feral Four, cut off contact with his brother three years ago, after the rapper was convicted of defacing a Tree at the Beats of Burden Music Festival.
The gossip site claims that Will.o.be, whose original name was Sebastian, was one of six kittens born to his mother, Kiki, and Philippe Sauvage. The kittens were not all born at the same time, the site says, but all share the same two parents.
Will.o.be. is currently on tour, but his legal representative, Sebastian Shepherd, a partner in the prestigious Park law firm of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd, released a statement on his behalf this morning, calling the claim “a ridiculous fabrication aimed at hurting Will.o.be. and his career.”
“Will.o.be. knows who his father is and it definitely is not his brother, Philippe Sauvage,” the statement said.
Today, all Park citizens mourn the loss of the Endeka Elephant Band member.
Gunnar Rotte has never backed away from a fight.
Indeed, he rose to prominence almost two years ago, when he published a controversial editorial in The Rodent Commoner comparing the plight of his own species to that of The Park’s striped and spotted citizens.
Now, the beleaguered journalist and part-time counsellor at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic is doubling down on his mission to make all Park citizens understand the real life challenges of Rodents and, in particular, Rats.
After taking to Twitter yesterday to react to the announcement that this year’s Park ART Walk will celebrate the work of our striped and spotted citizens and to complain that no Park event honours Rodents, Rotte has begun a campaign to pressure the Archons into establishing just such an event.
Calling for an annual , “Rotter Day,” Rotte says he plans to march in front of the law courts and all government buildings until the Archons and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations agree to his plan.
And he just might be successful.
“I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he got it done,” says Rosbritt Piggsvin, President of Rodents at Risk, a Park charity that aids The Park’s at-risk Rodent community.
“Gunnar is nothing if not persistent,” says Piggsvin, who has known Rotte since his birth.
“He gnaws at things and doesn’t let them go. And on this particular subject, I can tell you, he won’t rest until all Park Animals understand and acknowledge the pain and suffering of Rats and many other Rodents.”
Still, many say it will be an uphill battle for Rotte to get the Archons to agree to add an event to The Park’s calendar so late in their term.
“Yes, he may have to march in the snow, but I’ll bet he’s already put together a plan to confront the new Archons on the day of their swearing-in,” says Piggsvin.
