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Radio station suspends Tavros over Hedgehog remarks

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Toro Talk Radio announced this morning that it has suspended Yannis Tavros “for an indefinite period of time” over the negative comments he made on air about Hieronymous Hedgehog

After enduring more than three days of around-the-clock protests in front of its offices, Toro Talk Radio announced today that it has suspended talk show host Yannis Tavros “for an indefinite period of time.”

In a statement released this morning, the radio station said that after a review of Tavros’s remarks about Hieronymous Hedgehog the owners felt it would be best to remove the broadcaster from the airwaves for a length of time.

“Toro Talk Radio was saddened to hear the remarks that Yannis Tavros made during the essay portion of his talk show on Tuesday, February 12. These remarks in no way reflect the beliefs or opinions of this radio station or of any Animal employed here. In light of the nature of those remarks, however, and of the pain that they have caused many Park residents, we feel it would be best for all concerned if Tavros spent some time away from the airwaves. We have, therefore, suspended Yannis Tavros from his duties here at Toro Talk Radio for an indefinite period of time,” the statement said.

The station went on to assure its listeners that Toro Talk Radio “takes tremendous pride in drawing its listeners from a wide variety of species” and that it “values and respects The Park’s hibernating communities.”

One of the most contentious remarks that Tavros made concerned Hieronymous Hedgehog’s late uncle, Hamlin Jarvis Lambert Hedgehog, who served as Archon in 1998. Ten years later, the Hedgehog died of premature awakening from hibernation, a circumstance that Tavros blamed on the lack of intelligence that he believes afflicts the former Archon’s entire family.

Experts in the field, however, say that premature awakening, which is on the rise in The Park, has nothing at all to do with intelligence.

“For whatever reason, he is spreading a falsehood and a dangerous one at that,” says Dr. Jagger Zebu, Professor of Mammalian Medicine at the University of West Terrier and one of the authors of a recent report on premature awakening in The Park.

“There are a number of factors involved in premature awakening but none is related to intelligence,” he said.

Meanwhile, members of a group that calls itself Les Amis de Hieronymous (The Friends of Hieronymous) are calling for a formal on-air apology from Tavros.

“We will not be satisfied until he apologizes publicly for his treatment of Hieronymous,” said a spokesAnimal for LAdeH.

“The Strange Case of the Topaz Toepad” to begin filming this Spring

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The Strange Case of the Topaz Toepad, the best-selling mystery novel by Kylie Springbok, will begin its journey to the big screen this Spring.

Annika Maasusi, Editor-in-Chief of Hyena Whodunits, the book’s publisher, confirmed the sale of the film rights in a press release late this afternoon.

“Hyena Whodunits is pleased to announce that Mandrill Entertainment has purchased the rights to the highly successful novel, The Strange Case of the Topaz Toepad,” the release said.

Mandrill Entertainment, best known for producing fast-paced action and adventure films, released a statement simultaneously, confirming both the purchase and its plan to begin filming in The Park in the late Spring.

“We are pleased to inform Park Animals that the film’s casting and shooting will all be done within The Park,” the release also said. No other information regarding the cast was revealed.

The book, which was originally published in 2007, will be re-released in March to coincide with the making of the film, Maasusi confirmed.

Archon’s nephew blasted over Groundhog Day remarks

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The nephew of a former Archon is being criticized for remarks he made this month in an interview during The Mammalian Daily’s live coverage of The Park’s annual Groundhog Day celebrations.

Hieronymous Hedgehog, who has been described as one of The Park’s great citizens, had been out of hibernation for only three hours when he consented to an interview with Mammalian Daily reporters. When asked his impression of the festivities, the Hedgehog was openly critical of some aspects of the celebrations, including the Park Historical Society’s film tribute to zoocracy.

“I don’t know about this movie…That sounds a touch…Human,” he said. He went on to express a number of other controversial opinions, including his belief that Humans’ interest in The Park is restricted to “our natural resources, our wealth,” and that running The Park is a job that even its resident Animals were hesitant to do.

“Nobody wants to take over The Park,” he said. “Look how long it took us to accept the responsibility.”

These last remarks were quoted yesterday by Yannis Tavros in the opening essay of his popular talk show on Toro Talk Radio.

“It seems as though even the nephew of an Archon can be anti-Animal at heart,” Tavros began. He continued his tirade against the Hedgehog, accusing him of being “openly un-zoocratic, given to delusions of grandeur, and a phony” before he ended by calling the Hedgehog “part of a family that isn’t even smart enough to know when to come out of hibernation.”

This last remark was denounced as being “over the top” and “gratuitously cruel” by a spokesAnimal for The Park’s hibernating communities. Hieronymous Hedgehog’s uncle, Hamlin Jarvis Lambert Hedgehog, died as a result of premature awakening from hibernation on February 3, 2008. Deaths from premature awakening have risen substantially over the past few years. Hamlin Jarvis Lambert Hedgehog served as Archon in 1998.

For his part, Hieronymous Hedgehog has not had a chance to respond to Tavros’s tirade. He returned to his burrow late on Groundhog Day and is not expected to surface until February 19, the official end of the hibernation period. In his absence, though, his friends and compatriots have taken up his cause, calling for Tavros’s resignation and threatening to boycott not only his show, but his radio station.

“Long gone registry” first official act of 2013 Archons

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The first act of the 2013 Archons is the establishment of a “long gone registry” to catalogue Animals who have left The Park

Bowing to pressure from the Park Historical Society, the 2013 Archons announced today that their first official act as The Park’s governing body will be the establishment of a registry of Animals whose departure from The Park was “caused by either death or desire”.

At a press conference held this morning, Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons, said the “Long Gone Registry” was deemed essential by all parties concerned “so that we can have truly accurate population and participation records for The Park.”

“All organized societies require accurate records so that they can both learn from the past and look to the future,” Alouatta said, quoting from a statement issued earlier by the Archons.

According to Park Historical Society president Clark Cascanueces, who advised the Archons as they drafted legislation to establish the registry, no formal records exist of or about departed Park citizens or residents.

“We don’t know who left or why they left, or even when they left. We have not kept those kinds of [exit] records, as we should have done. All we have to go on are published death announcements, family notices, citations from educational institutions, or hospital and physicians’ notes. We have no formal records regarding mobility or participation. This leaves a huge hole in our knowledge of life in The Park. There are, undoubtedly, many Animals who contributed to our life here and who form part of our history, but we know nothing about them,” he said.

The registry, which was established to rectify this situation, will of necessity rely heavily on anecdotal evidence and family lore, Alouatta said. For this reason, the Archons have engaged the services of faculty members of the University of West Terrier’s Department of History, as well as members of the Park Historical Society, in gathering the information required from The Park’s resident Animals.

The registry, which will fall under the jurisdiction of The Park’s Department of Statistics and Records, will begin data intake in the Spring, Alouatta said.

2013 POPS Bastiaan Groundhog predicts an early Spring

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The Right Honourable Bastiaan Groundhog, 2013 POPS

At precisely 07:59 this morning (Official Park Time), 2013 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) Bastiaan Groundhog predicted an early Spring for The Park.

The POPS, who left his burrow at 07:57, greeted well-wishers as he walked to the official prognostication mound. When he arrived at the mound, he waved to the crowd, stood still for one minute, failed to see his shadow, and proclaimed an early Spring. The official proclamation was signed at 08:00.

“I’m glad it’s over,” the Groundhog said to reporters and festival-goers, as he made his way toward the stands for the Archons’ address. He took his place in the front row, just behind the lectern and beside the other 34 Archons.

“The pressure was enormous. Unless you’ve been POPS, you can’t really understand that. I feel as if a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders,” he said.

After the festivities, the POPS confirmed his plans to return to his burrow until the official end of hibernation on February 19.

“I need the rest,” he said.

UWT expansion to include art gallery

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UWT Coat of Arms

The University of West Terrier plans to open an art gallery as part of the University’s expansion programme

The University of West Terrier has announced plans to open an art gallery on its campus.

At a press conference held during the annual UWT open house on January 29, Bibiano Montanaro, spokesAnimal for the President of the University, confirmed that several architectural firms have submitted plans for a two-storey facility that will house paintings, sculpture, and textiles by Park artists. The gallery will form a significant part of the institution’s expansion over the next five years.

“The University of West Terrier wishes to broaden its commitment to The Park’s artistic and cultural community and we feel that this is an important first step toward that goal,” Montanaro said.

The University will be seeking a curator and other staff members for the gallery as soon as building commences, Montanaro said, but he refused to confirm rumours that the curator has already been selected from the faculty of The Park’s Hani Gajah School of Art.

Focus on: Groundhog Day

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A major Park occasion, Groundhog Day has its roots deep in the Animal tradition of weather prognostication. The Park’s elaborate, all-day celebration of this important day attracts hundreds of thousands of Animals annually. And modern Park life has endowed the day with a political significance, as well: Park citizens and residents, who are eager to discover what the new year has in store for them, await the annual Archons’ address—the first official speech given by the thirty-five newly-selected Archons.

ORIGIN AND HISTORY
 In the beginning, there was the Groundhog. One of The Park’s founding families, the Groundhogs staked out their territory in the prairie lands of The Park long before zoocracy was established.

As more Animals began to inhabit The Park, the Groundhogs settled into their rôle as Park Elders. Oftentimes, it was the Groundhogs who were consulted in Park matters, particularly those of weatherly import.

The First Prediction
The first prediction of weather in The Park was made on 2 February, 65 BZ (Before Zoocracy), by E. Bromley Groundhog. It was a casual prediction, made without fanfare, outside E. Bromley’s burrow. He predicted an early Spring. The Spring of 65 BZ arrived on 5 March. The present year is 2022 (40 AZ — After Zoocracy).

The Tradition
The following year, E. Bromley Groundhog made another prediction on 2 February. It, too, was an accurate prediction. In short order, it became an informal Winter tradition for Park Animals who were not hibernating to call on E. Bromley at his burrow in early February in order to hear his prediction for the coming Spring.

This went on until 57 BZ, when a delegation of Animals attended at E. Bromley’s burrow, only to discover that the venerable Groundhog had succumbed to old age. The delegation, at a loss for what to do, quickly appointed E. Bromley’s daughter and son to the post of “predictors.” In alternate years, the Groundhogs served as accurate “predictors,” until their children took over the job.

Eventually, the growing number of E. Bromley’s descendants caused there to be competition for the respected post of “predictor.” The Groundhogs began to engage in territorial wars and slanderous campaigns. In order to quell the rising tide of Groundhog anger, Park Archons decided to establish the title of Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) and to award it, every year, to their own choice of E. Bromley’s descendants.

The Controversy
Animals evolve. Politics evolve. New blood refreshes tired, old organs, old assumptions no longer seem viable, and old rules no longer hold sway. In 2003 (21 AZ), a group that called itself “Spring’s Unsprung Heroes” brought forth a legal challenge to The Park’s age-old practice of awarding the job of Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) to the descendants of E. Bromley Groundhog.

The Decision
In his landmark decision in that case, Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court wrote that “The Park’s current practice [of awarding the job on the basis of heritage] is unacceptable in a modern Park.”

Peabody Q. Groundhog was allowed to fulfill his duties as 2003 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring. Thereafter, the Judge ruled, the position would be decided in an open election held every year on 7 November. The date of 7 November was chosen as the date of the election because it allowed sufficient time for the winner to make preparations before the official hibernation date of 17 November.

Groundhog Day Today
Much has changed since the first elections were held for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS). Since 2006, The Park has welcomed the candidacy of Animals of other species and many believe it is only a matter of time before a non-Groundhog POPS makes the all-important prediction on February 2.

From the Personal to the Political
Groundhog Day has been an important occasion and a full-day holiday in The Park for many years. But, in 2005 (23AZ), the newly-selected Archons chose The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations as the venue for their first official speech. Since that time, each new set of Archons has chosen to reveal its plans for the coming year in a speech given by the Chief Archon at the Groundhog Day celebrations.

Further Reading
For more information on The Park’s Groundhogs, we recommend:

Me and My Shadow: A Groundhog’s Memoirs
by Nigel T. Groundhog
Birch Bark Books, 200 pages

From The Mammalian Daily’s review
“This is not a book about family pride… It is a deeply-felt and honestly-written portrayal of the trials of Animal migration, of the pain and loneliness of specism, and of the exquisite joy of success and acceptance after many years of frustration. In a Beaverlike fashion, the author gnaws away at Groundhog stereotypes and lays bare for us the burden that is borne by the prescient mammal.”

For the full review, click here.

The archival material used in the preparation of this article was made available to The Mammalian Daily by the Association of Distinct Hibernating Animals of The Park (ADHAP). We thank them for their generosity. We also gratefully acknowledge the assistance of members of The Park Historical Society, Gertrude C. Owl, Dean of the Cuthbert School of Journalism, University of West Terrier, the Department of History, University of West Terrier, and the Idiosyncratic Hibernators of The Park (IHOP).

Funding boost a wake-up call for Groundhog Day organizer

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A funding boost for this year’s Groundhog Day celebrations came as a welcome surprise to the festival’s chief organizer, Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr.

What a difference a few years can make.

“I’m the envy of everyone today,” says a sleepy but delighted Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr., chief organizer of The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations.

Less than a week before one of the biggest events in The Park’s calendar, The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations roused Whistlepig from the depths of hibernation to tell him he was the beneficiary of some last minute accounting.

“It’s a windfall — a small fortune — for us here,” says Whistlepig. “And we really need it. The last few years have been very difficult for us,” he says.

While three straight years of budget cuts have sent Whistlepig scrambling to find inexpensive ways to do right by the important holiday, this year’s boost in funding means he now has a lot more leeway, financially speaking. But, not a lot more time.

“These events are planned well in advance and making last minute changes isn’t easy,” Whistlepig says.

In the space of a few days, he will have to order more food and more decorations. And, even more importantly, he says, he’d like to hire more musicians and other performers.

“In many ways, they’re the lifeblood of the festival,” he says.

Whistlepig, who has been organizing The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations for the past ten years, says he’s never grown tired of the work nor cynical about the event.

“This holiday is a major Park occasion. It signals the coming of Spring, the renewal of life, the hope of the future. It’s not just about a prediction; it’s about a certainty — the certainty that we have survived, and that we will thrive, no matter what we face,” Whistlepig proclaims.

And, as he is every year, Whistlepig is determined to make it a memorable event for all Park Animals.

“This is not a celebration to miss,” he says. “It is a very important part of The Park’s social season, and it speaks to our sense of ourselves as Park citizens. No one should miss it.”

Archons plan to halt economic growth: think tank report

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An independent think tank claims in a report that the 2013 Archons plan to halt the growth of The Park’s economy

The report of a Park think tank says the 2013 Archons plan to adopt policies that will halt the growth of The Park’s economy.

According to the Council of Independent Economic Advisors (CIEA), an independent think tank that is headquartered in The Park, the Archons, who have been in office only ten days, plan to reduce The Park’s economic expansion by discouraging the business community from increasing its footprint.

“Due to the political and economic philosophies of the overwhelming majority of the 2013 Archons, The Park’s economy will see little or no growth in the coming year, as businesses will be discouraged from expanding and extra-hortulanial trade (trade that occurs outside The Park) will be curtailed,” the report concludes.

Those who have read the report, which has not been released formally, say the CIEA is “overreaching” and has drawn conclusions based solely on the attitudes and opinions expressed by certain Archons before they were appointed on January 16, 2013.

“It is not clear from the report whether they [think tank members] are talking about intent or result,” said Dr. Anneliese Cissa, head of the Livingstone School of Economics and Social Science at the University of West Terrier during a panel discussion on Mammalian Daily Radio.

“Do they believe the Archons’ actions, driven by opinions they expressed in the  past, will lead to economic stagnation or do they believe that the Archons will, due to their opinions and beliefs, attempt to create that stagnation by purposely curtailing economic activity? I can’t say, for sure, nor can I say how accurate a forecast it [the report[ might be. But I do believe the Archons are wiser than the CIEA gives them credit for. Still, we won’t know until Groundhog Day (the day of the Archons’ first address to the citizens of The Park) what direction the Archons plan to take us in, economically or otherwise. Until then, everything is just speculation,” she said.

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