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Group claims responsibility for Park’s mountain of garbage

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Mountain of garbage

The anti-tourism group NoPARKing has claimed responsibility for the mountain of garbage that is obstructing access to The Park’s northern entrance

The anti-tourism group NoPARKing has claimed responsibility for the mountain of garbage that is obstructing access to The Park via its northern entrance.

In a statement released this morning, NoPARKing president Emmanuelle Musaraigne said that she and her group are proud of the work they have accomplished so far on behalf of The Park’s citizenry.

“It took our members all night to build this mountain of garbage and we are confident that this concrete representation of the damage that unrestricted [Human] tourism can do to The Park will change the way both residents and government see this issue,” the statement read.

Constructed entirely of garbage left in The Park by Human tourists, the mountain rises 30 metres high and stretches across 50 metres.

Park Police were notified of the “mountain” shortly after dawn this morning, a spokesAnimal said.

“We immediately attended at the site and confirmed the incoming reports. Shortly thereafter, the group in question confirmed their involvement and we took steps to halt any further construction at the site,” the Police spokesAnimal said.

Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons, said neither the Archons nor the Park Finance Office had any plans to alter the 2014 Budget, which awarded 3% of the total to the promotion of tourism.

“While we take our citizens’ concerns seriously, we have no plans at this time to alter our vision for the future of The Park,” Alouatta said on behalf of the Archons.

   Related articles:

New rules: PIFF lays down the law before announcing films

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Park Interspecial Film FestivalTwo days before announcing the roster of films that will screen at the 9th annual Park Interspecial Fllm Festival, PIFF Communications President Leola Ocelot convened an early morning press conference to announce what she calls “the new rules.”

Exhibiting a no-nonsense attitude, Ocelot read from a prepared statement and then took questions from the media.

In the statement, she confirmed that PIFF 2013 would include a number of items that were introduced last year. Most notable of these was “Noon Nuttiness,” the name given to the practice of screening comedies only between the hours of 12:00 and 2:00 pm at the Park Cinema.

The difference this year, Ocelot said, is that patrons will not be allowed to bring any technological devices into the cinema. Last year, a riot broke out during a Noon Nuttiness screening, when angry protesters stormed the cinema and demanded that patrons hand over their cackle-enabled devices. The devices had been lent to the patrons by cackle’s parent company, GooseBook, so that filmgoers could share their favourite moments with friends.

“We cannot allow the Festival to be overtaken by theft and violence,” Ocelot said this morning. “And as a result, we decided not to renew the device-lending agreement with GooseBook at this time. We will be reviewing this option every year and making our decisions on a year-to-year basis,” she said.

Also returning in 2013 are PIFF Pockets, or pocket films, which are films that do not exceed three minutes in length and that have been made specifically for the Festival. Both pocket documentary and pocket fiction films will be screened at this year’s event, Ocelot said.

“We were overwhelmed by the number of submissions of pocket films this year. The popularity of this category exceeded our wildest expectations,” she said.

Once again, documentaries will make up a significant portion of the Festival’s offerings and, as an aside, Ocelot mentioned that she thought the Hot Dogs documentary category this year was “spectacular.”

The full lineup of films for the 9th annual film festival will be announced on Friday, August 16.  The Park Interspecial Film Festival runs from October 1-5, 2013.

Park ART Walk: A week…and a world away

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PAW logo

 

 

 

The organizers of the 7th annual Park ART Walk (PAW) request the honour of your presence at the following event:

Park ART Walk
Saturday, August 17, 2013
10:00 am – 7:00 pm

The Park ART Walk is a one-day, juried art exhibition that showcases the artistic expression of Park residents. PAW showings will take place at participating art galleries, retail establishments, and at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.

For more information on this year’s event, please see: Take Root

————————————————————————————-

The Park ART Walk wishes to thank its sponsors:

 

Founding Families

Founding Families Financial Corporation

 

                  

tallulahstoilettage  The Nut Bar       LeTwiggery    

 

  The Tabby Club
You’ve Earned Your Stripes™                                                                                                              Amoltrud's Aesthetics

Amoltrud’s Aesthetics   


The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations

“Shoot the Messenger” to open PIFF 2013

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Park Interspecial Film FestivalGeorge Angus Doo’s controversial and arresting film Shoot the Messenger will open the 9th annual Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF) on October 1.

The announcement was made this morning in a statement released by PIFF Communications President Leola Ocelot.

“We are thrilled to announce that George Doo’s award-winning film Shoot the Messenger will open the 9th annual Park Interspecial Film Festival. The Festival is very grateful to him for giving us the chance to screen his great film,” the statement read.

The film, which received the 2013 Winkie Award, explores the relationship between Humans and Doo’s own species, the Pigeon.

This is the first film in which Doo has put his own species at the centre. His previous films dealt mostly with underwater crises and desert themes. In an interview last spring with film critic Hernando Gorrión of The Avian Messenger, Doo said he was at first reluctant to use his own species as the subject of a film because he thought the issues were too close for him to be able to see them clearly.

“There is so much conflict, so many emotions on both sides. In many ways, it is a relationship of mutual respect and dependence, yet we have seen too many misunderstandings and far too many deaths,” he said.

Shoot the Messenger will screen at The Park Cinema on the Festival’s opening night, and again on Oct 4.

The Park Interspecial Film Festival runs from October 1-5, 2013.

Secret documents reveal reason for security funding decrease

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Top Secret Documents

Classified documents obtained by The Mammalian Daily reveal the real reason for decreased security funding in the 2014 Budget

Formerly classified documents obtained by The Mammalian Daily reveal the real reason for the decrease in security funding in the 2014 Park budget.

The documents, which were obtained by the newspaper four days ago, tell a chilling tale of plans by the 2013 Archons to establish an unpaid “militia-like” group of Park citizens to “keep the peace at public gatherings.”

The documents also confirm rumours that plans are afoot to establish the position of “Roving Cultural Ambassador.” Among the RCA’s duties, as described in the documents, is “establishing a rapport with Humans outside The Park, in order to foster a more harmonious relationship.” In other words, the RCA’s job, in part, will be to attempt to prevent Humans from committing crimes against Park citizens.

The confidential papers tell a far different story from the one told by Park Finance Officer Milton Struts when reporters asked about the four percent decrease in security funding.

“The Park has become a safer place over the past year,” he said at the August 1 budget presentation.

Yet actual crime and disturbance statistics obtained from the Department of Well-Being and Safety indicate that the number of calls to Park Police and the number of Police officers deployed to keep the peace at public events doubled last year, in part due to the strike by The Park’s Doves of Peace. But even without the Doves’ strike, which began in November 2012 and ended in February of this year, “2012 would still go down as a year of almost unending conflict,” says DWBS Director of Public Relations, Cornelius Kakapo.

After reviewing the documents, The Mammalian Daily reached out to the Archons, The Park Finance Office and the Park Police for comments. Only Gareth Shepherd, President of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) responded.

“We are taking this very seriously,” he said.

“In addition to the practical, political, philosophical, and moral problems with this plan, our members stand to have untrained  and unpaid Park citizens usurp their jobs. We will not tolerate this kind of treatment of ourselves and of The Park. I am eager to hear what the Archons and the Park Finance Office have to say in defence of this preposterous plan.”

Jargonhead signs on to rap at Beats of Burden music fest

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Jargonhead

Legendary Park rapper Jargonhead announced today that he has signed on to rap at the Beats of Burden music festival in September

Legendary Park rapper Jargonhead announced today that he has signed on to rap at the Beats of Burden Music Festival this September.

“I’m all in,” he said in a statement released by his manager this morning.

The rapper, who embarked on his Ducks in a Row tour last Winter has been performing outside The Park for several months. On his return last week, he was advised of the upcoming festival.

“He was so impressed by what the Beasts had done to set this thing up. He called them right away and just about begged them to let him participate,” said his manager Jukka Ankka.

“He said to me, ‘I love the way they think outside the box. They’re really pushing the envelope here and I want to be involved. IMHO, I think this is going to be a game changer,'” Ankka said.

The Beats of Burden Music Festival will take place September 14-16. All proceeds from the festival will go toward assisting The Park’s refugees.

CAA steps up pressure on Summer Games committee

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With less than two months to go before the official opening of the 2013 Interspecial Summer Games, the Canine Athletic Association (CAA) has stepped up pressure on the ISG Committee to reinstate the Dog paddle as a competitive stroke.

In a statement issued this morning, the Association once again asserted that the swimming stroke is an excellent test of aquatic prowess and, as such, should be reinstated immediately.

“Unless the ISG Committee takes swift action on this issue, we will see our amazing athletes sidelined once again. We cannot allow this to happen. Our Canine swimmers have been training for more than six years for these Games and they deserve a chance to compete,” said CAA President Alexandre Caniche.

This is not the first time the CAA has attempted to have the swimming stroke reinstated. But, last year, it embarked on an extensive multi-media campaign to raise awareness of the issue. The year-long campaign featured well-known sports figures and celebrities and the Association even commissioned a new scent, ‘”Soggy Dog,” that helped them raise funds to continue the fight.

“We thought we were getting somewhere with them [the ISG Committee], but now I’m not sure. Time is not on our side,” said Caniche.

The ISG Committee has stated that it will announce its decision on August 15. The Games begin on September 22.

“That’s cutting it pretty close, but until we know, we’ll keep encouraging our Dogs to train as hard as they can,” Caniche said.

Weather, education, and tourism find a place in 2014 budget

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Park Expense Projections 2014

Click on the pie chart above to see details of the 2014 budget

Park Finance Officer Milton Struts believed he had a sweet secret to share this morning when he strode up to the press conference podium to release his Office’s expense projections for 2014, otherwise known as The Park Budget.

Displaying confidence in the PFO’s “tough decisions,” and assuming the budget would be “widely approved,” the smiling Struts assured reporters and observers that “we listened intently to Park Animals’ concerns” and that the PFO took them all into consideration when formulating the budget.

“We have attempted to be sensitive to issues that are important to Park citizens,” he said, before using his signature line to the media as the press conference concluded:

“We can’t bury our heads in the sand any longer.”

But, at the after-conference, many reporters and financial analysts had questions that seemed to surprise Struts.

Why, for instance, had both healthcare and security budgets been reduced, many asked, while groundskeeping and water had received a boost in funding? And, while no one seemed surprised that arts and sports funding as well as funding for special events had been reduced drastically (virtually halved since the 2012 budget was presented), many were genuinely puzzled by the bare bones budget set out for public education.

“I am shocked and disappointed,” said 2012 Archon Boniface Cuckoo.

“We (the 2012 Archons) wanted to make public education our legacy and we had the plan in place to do it, including building new educational venues and standardizing the curriculum. That can’t be done on 5%,” he said.

Predictably, the “mere 3%” allocated to tourism, as Struts called it, drew fierce criticism as an unnecessary and unwarranted expenditure and few seemed to believe Struts’s claim that weather would be better financed in the coming year.

“I think what they did was take a little from here, a little from there, and then put a different label on it. They thought they could placate us by giving weather its own place in the budget, but I don’t believe they’ve truly allocated any extra funding for it. We will have to see as things unfold,” said Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP).

“Unless he has some real answers for us, Mr. Struts might find his sweet secret has turned a little sour,” she said.

Related articles:

A sneak peek at some stories that we’re working on

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Stories We're Working OnAs July comes to a close, we thought we’d let you sneak a peek at some of the stories that we’re working on.

PIFF. The Park Interspecial Film Festival is just two months away. We eagerly await the announcement of this year’s lineup, special events, and news. Behind the scenes, we’ve been interviewing past participants and we look forward to sharing with you what we’ve learned from them.

THE BUDGET What would Summer be without the big presentation from The Park Finance Office? This year’s budget promises to be controversial and, of course, The Mammalian Daily is happy to join in the discussion. We like to think our reporters and columnists bring some expertise to the table.

PARK LIFE We’ll be taking a critical look at the direction the Archons are moving in, and our analysts will share their opinions about unemployment, the big weather question, immigration issues, and the great tax debate.

THISBE SPEAKS Will they or won’t they? Rumours abound that Thisbe and the Barkettes plan to reunite “one last time.” Well, surprise! We’ve snagged an interview with the only one who truly knows! That’s right. Thisbe’s first interview in over twenty years will appear in our pages in the Autumn.

INTERSPECIAL SUMMER GAMES They’re less than two months away and we’ve got all the information you need to watch with a suitably critical eye.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY The University of West Terrier’s cutting edge research has yielded some remarkable results. Read more here in the coming months.

SURVIVOR PROFILES We’ll continue our series of survivor profiles. Next up: The Endeka Elephant Band: A circuitous route to citizenship for eleven euphonious Elephants.

NOREEN She’s not just our advice columnist anymore. She’s Adjunct Professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier and she’s been busy putting the finishing touches on a book based on her most recent research. She’s got a lot to tell us about her favourite subject and we’re eager to hear it.

That’s just a taste of what’s coming in the next few months, so keep logging on. And, Happy August!

Museum excavators recover beloved Park tome

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The AutoZOËography of ZoeCat

“The AutoZOËography of ZoeCat,” was recovered during excavations at the Park Museum. The book went missing ten years ago, seven years after the death of its author.

The book that was recovered by workers excavating at the site of the future Park Museum is a beloved Park tome that went missing ten years ago.

In a statement released to the press this afternoon, Catriona Cairn-Terrier, Chief Archaeologist at the Institute for the Study of Mammalian Life (ISML), confirmed the identity of the find.

“It is with great pleasure that I confirm for you today that, after extensive testing in our laboratories, we have concluded definitively that the book that was discovered during excavations at the site of the future Park Museum is, indeed, The AutoZOËography of ZoëCat,” the statement read.

Cairn-Terrier also commended the workers from Burrows and Beyond, the construction company that was hired to prepare the ground at the Park Museum.

“They called the ISML as soon as they found the book. They showed a real sensitivity to the find and I commend them for it,” she noted in the press release.

The book, which is much beloved in The Park, went missing ten years ago, after a storm toppled the display in which it was housed at the front of the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. The book had resided there for seven years after the death of its author, ZoëCat, in 1996. Every day, a page was turned so that ZoëCat’s followers and other passersby could read a new entry.

“ZoëCat is revered in The Park,” says Park Historical Society President Clark Cascanueces.

“She was a great thinker; she had the highest IQ of any Animal in The Park and she was the older sister of Jor, our first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy. Her influence on him must have been immense,” he said.

In all, the book’s pages number 6,975 and span the years from her early Kittenhood until a month before her death. The autobiographical tome, which is filled with her personal, political, and philosophical musings, was never formally published and the book that was found by the excavators is believed to be the only extant copy.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

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