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Let’s Talk Balls! with Bailey: The Cricket Ball

July 8, 2007 By TMD Balls Columnist Bailey

Today’s ball is the CRICKET ball.

The cricket ball has a long history with Dogs.

Originally employed in the Mediaeval period, cynologists (those who study Dogs) believe that the cricket ball was first employed by Dogs as a tool in the annual harvesting of the fields in Mediaeval Africa.

Scholars familiar with the period cite the drama of the time, commonly known as “Meerakle Plays,” as evidence that the balls were regularly used for two purposes: the harvesting of cotton and, later, protecting the farm against thieving Meerkats in the area.

The balls, which were constructed of cork from the northern part of Africa, are believed to have been transported to the south for the purpose of harvesting cotton. This the Dogs did by rolling the balls over the cotton as it lay in mounds on the ground, after it had been picked off the bush. As the balls picked up the cotton, they grew larger and larger until they became impossible to roll. The farmers, then, collected the balls, removed the mass of cotton from the cork base, and tossed them back to the Dogs. This tossing action scared the Meerkats and the farm Dogs soon began to use this method to secure the fields. The Dogs tossed the balls, first with their paws and, later, with branches and twigs that they collected from nearby trees.

Centuries later, after cotton harvesting became automated and other methods were used to secure the farms, the tossing of the cricket ball remained a popular pastime among the farm Dogs.

Since that time, Dogs everywhere have enjoyed various forms of play with the cricket ball.

Sources: MeerStories and Mediaeval Meerakle Plays; Farming in the Middle Ages; Domestic Chronicles of the Middle Ages,Volume 9, Farming; Farming and Manufacture from Their Beginnings Until Today, Volume 3, Balls; If Balls Could Talk; Ballieving; Follow the Bouncing Ball: How Dogs Introduced Balls to the Human World; various newspaper articles and reports.

Bailey can be reached at bailey@mammaliandaily.com.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Let's Talk Balls!, Sports Tagged With: History of the Cricket Ball, let's talk balls, Sports

Animal sterilization rampant outside Park

July 5, 2007 By Thaddeus S. Loris, TMD Health and Safety Reporter

Animals who make their homes outside The Park face sterilization rates of up to ninety per cent, an investigation by a Mammalian Daily UnderCover Reporter has revealed.

According to statistics compiled for the years 21-24 AZ, sterilization affects approximately 42% of Animals who consider themselves to be permanent residents of the lands outside The Park.

“We are looking at rates for Dogs of [sometimes] 900 per thousand,” said Carmelita Ardilla, a member of the team that analyzed the data assembled by the UnderCover Reporter.

The numbers aren’t much better for Cats, either. They are being sterilized at a rate of over 800 per thousand.

“Any way you look at it, sterilizations are being performed in shockingly high numbers,” she said.

What accounts for such significantly elevated rates? The Mammalian Daily asked Dr. M. Rosario Morsa, Professor of Statistics and Well-Being at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, to analyze the data. In his opinion, these numbers are due, in part, to the high rate of co-habitation with Humans outside The Park.

“We keep coming back to it, over and over again,” he said. We do not want to give a simplistic answer; we do not want to lay blame where it might be inappropriate. But it is impossible to ignore this fact. Animals who cohabit with Humans are simply more likely to be sterilized than other Animals.”

Sterilization is believed to be quite fashionable in the Human world. The surgical procedure, which is known by a number of other terms, including “spaying” and “neutering,” became popular among Humans in the last century. Unsubstantiated reports circulating inside The Park indicate that it is now the preferred method of birth control for older Humans and for those who feel that their families are complete. But evidence suggests that the Human attitude toward Animal reproduction differs considerably.

One source close to the investigation, who wished to remain anonymous, revealed that sterilization among Animals who live outside The Park often occurs prior to any live births and has become “a requirement” for the co-habitation arrangement.

“I have been told by friends,” she said, “that it was made quite clear to them that they could not share quarters with Humans unless they surrendered their reproductive rights.”

Last month, an account of such a situation appeared on The Mammalian Daily’s best seller list. Author William Patrick Wolfhound’s “Life in a Gelded Cage: The Personal Memoir of a Pet,” tells the harrowing tale of one Dog’s encounter with a city’s population control policies.

Even if [Human] co-habitation customs are behind this “domestic” trend, that would not account for the alarmingly high rates of sterilization found among Animals who live independently of them. In fact, suddenly soaring rates of sterilization have become a cause célèbre for the Squirrel population, particularly those of the Grey persuasion, and that community has launched an investigation of its own.

The UWT’s Dr. Morsa cautioned that the figures compiled in the report signify a disturbing — and life-threatening – trend – and one to which Park residents should not assume themselves to be immune.

“We do not know all the causes of this trend,” he said, “but it is important to remember, at the very least, that these procedures are being done without the express consent of the Animals. These statistics, then, are indicative of an ethical issue that warrants serious and timely investigation by the entire research community.”

Filed Under: Breaking News

Research Cautions: Even Miaowgirls Get the Blues

June 29, 2007 By Jaakkima Kuikka, TMD Mental Health Reporter

Even Miaowgirls get the blues.

That is the determination of six University of West Terrier researchers who have analyzed the results of the first phase of a three-part study of depression and its effects on Cats.

The study, entitled, “Depression in Cats: Even Miaowgirls Get the Blues,” was funded in part by The Catnip Company and is the first undertaking of its kind in the history of UWT’s School of Medicine.

“We are very excited about this study,” said Dr. Chloris Cougar, who heads the team of dedicated researchers.

“Until recently, we had to make do with second-hand information, most of which came from Human sources and did not, necessarily, reflect the realities of Feline life.”

The current study, she said, “gives us the opportunity to analyze data that pertain solely to Felines. This will enable us to understand the full effects of depression on our particular species.”

The UWT Researchers estimate that Feline depression accounts for a significant loss of productivity in The Park, as well as profound mental anguish and physical discomfort for the individuals involved.

In addition, Dr. Cougar believes that depression can cause or affect other illnesses in Cats.

“We have long suspected that depression has been, in part, the cause of other conditions that Cats presented with at our hospital and at Dr. Bourru’s office. We look forward to having the chance to test that hypothesis.”

To date, analysis of the first phase of the study has enabled the UWT team to isolate at least one distinct depressive syndrome in Cats, which it calls Feline Unipolar Depressive Disorder, or FUDD (see symptoms below).

“This is truly a breakthrough,” said Dr. Cougar, “Once we are able to recognize the symptoms of depression in Cats, we will be able to develop effective treatments for the disease. This study has given us all new hope.”

Results of the second and third phases of the study are expected to be published within the next three years.

_________________________________________

FUDD: The Symptoms

Physical symptoms include changes in appetite and sleep patterns, fatigue, and restlessness:

  • A large number of Cats reported being conscious more than half the day.
  • Most Cats reported a marked decrease in their interest in food.
  • Psychomotor activity changes include decreased incidence of and ability to knead, claw, climb, jump, spring, and pounce.
  • Researchers noted decreased speed in eye movements and claw retraction.
  • Mood symptoms include a reduced capacity to enjoy warmth and sunshine, as well as a generalized lack of interest in adult daily life.
  • Some Cats experienced a desire to return to the behaviour of kittenhood, and reported an increase in the desire to suckle.

This article first appeared in Issue #110 of The Mammalian Daily

Filed Under: Breaking News, Health and Medicine, Park Life

Critic’s Notebook: Impressed at the Feline fiction fest

June 18, 2007 By TMD Books Reporter

murderfishbowlIt had been a long week here in your critic’s den and the thought of attending a festival dedicated to Feline fiction made me want to hiss, growl and, perhaps, even spit. But I had my assignment and my press badge and who was I, anyway, to argue with the powers that miaow? So, off I trotted (see how I mix those Animal elements so that you cannot guess my species? Read more about that in the “hard news” section…) to the Wishing Well for four days (14-17 June) of non-stop purring over and pawing of the latest imaginative tails and wanderings of that standoffish set.

The first day got off to a rather slow start, with much being  made of this being the ONLY Feline fiction fest around and our being SO forward-thinking and interspecially harmonious. Save all that, I say, for the press release. Humans will just lap it up. As far as I’m concerned, we’re here to appreciate (and, later, of course, to judge) the best writing offered this year by those whiskered ones.

Still, with all the stretching and preening that I saw (and much of it in front of the judges), one could have sworn that this was a beauty contest and not a writing festival at all. Someone should tell these Cats that you can’t fool all of us most of the time and that charm (or even stripes, for that matter) is no substitute for a good day’s work.

By the second day, however, the spotlight was squarely on those who both produce and value good writing. The mystery category this year overflowed with quality fiction that was driven, for the most part, by strong characters and great plot lines. So much Feline fiction in the past has been “atmospheric” (smoky salons, catnip-induced dreams), that one can forget how well the species can actually spin a tale or weave complicated pathways around multi-dimensional characters. They don’t call it Cat’s cradle for nothing, I suppose.

Nevertheless and notwithstanding, I, personally (not to mention, professionally), was disappointed in the quality of some of the entries this year, particularly in the Humour category. While I do believe that the winner (Cat’s Up!) could have beaten out any competition in any year, one does have to wonder under what bush that competition has been hiding. I know there are good Feline humorists out there. So…Come out! Come out! Wherever you are!

The other item of note was the introduction of non-fiction titles to the 2007 Fiction Fest — a move that was sure to spark controversy. I was not, in the least, offended by this, though, as I think it added a much-needed perspective to an otherwise one-dimensional event that is always on the verge of turning into a full-out egofest. Who says that Cats rule the world? Well, for 4 days in June, Cats do. So, it was particularly nice to see titles that offered a look at the seamier and seedier side of Feline life, even though it is disconcerting for some of us to read stories in which the victims and vanquished are the Cats, as realistic as that is. The tie-in this year, too, with the charity auction (four tickets to the Feral Four concert in 2008) was a spark of genius on the part of festival organizers.

After four days of fêting Felines, I found myself craving solitude (was I becoming Cat-like?), so I crept back to my den, where I lay down for some much-needed R&R, but not before declaring the 2007 Fiction Fest a tour de Feline force. Kudos to all who were involved. Looking forward to 2008.

That’s all, folks.

Filed Under: Book Reviews, Breaking News

25 years of zoocracy bring tears, cheers, and calls for reform

April 20, 2007 By Elspeth Duper, TMD Social Events Reporter

ParkAnimalsSwaying to the strains of the Endeka Elephant Band, Ute Orangutan was moved to shed a tear when she spoke about her maternal grandparents, Zanneke and Carlton Orangutan. The Orangs, who fled persecution in their native land, were among The Park’s first citizens.

“They settled here because they believed that, in The Park, they could build a better life,” she said. “I will always be grateful to them…and I will always feel a sense of responsibility to The Park.”

Such sentiments were not unique during the two-day celebration this Winter that marked the 25th anniversary of zoocracy in The Park.

For Jacinta Kri-Kri, the highlight of the occasion was the unveiling of the monument to Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy. With her Kids in tow, the Kri-Kri made a dedication of her own, as she placed a wreath of rosemary at the foot of the marble statue.

“I want my Kids to learn Park history so they can understand why Jor is a hero to us,” she said, between bites of one of the many treats that were on offer at the festivities.

Park history was also on the mind of Sagar Hog-Deer, whose family emigrated from the foothills of the Himalayas six years ago. For Sagar, Park history means a solid record based on the principles of tolerance and the welcoming of all species — principles that, he feels, may be hard to maintain in the future.

“The Park is being assaulted from the outside and we are just beginning to see the effects of it,” he said, pointing to the upcoming census, talk of currency amalgamation, and looming political reforms as evidence of the erosion of Park values.

“We need to take a step back. We don’t need to change [things] if there isn’t a problem in the first place,” he emphasized.

While Hog-Deer sees no problem with the status quo, scores of Animals who attended the celebrations say they see the need for immediate changes in The Park.

“We’ve been at a standstill for years. Some aspects of Park life are downright archaic and, some, I might say…were [the result of] hare-brained schemes in the first place,” complained Mason L. Tortoise, head of SARG, the Small Animal Reform Group, which has called for sweeping changes in many Park policies.

Despite the political debate, Park Animals were up for the two days of merrymaking and were quick to declare the event a “roaring success.”

“I think it was a tribute to the power of Jor’s vision,” concluded Humphrey Hyrax, the festival’s organizer.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime

Park braces for panzootic as Small Ball Fever claims new victim

April 16, 2007 By Thaddeus S. Loris, TMD Health and Safety Reporter

Anatomy of a Small Ball: The virus resides in the dimpled surface, but it replicates in the internal layers

The recent death of a Squirrel has alerted The Park’s medical community to the necessity of implementing measures to deal with the possible onset of a panzootic, according to a spokesAnimal for The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS).

Kostas Apollonios Eusebios Squirrel died on 26 March as a result of Small Ball Fever, six days after he had extensive contact with a small ball which he imported to The Park from a local field.

An internal memo from the DWBS, made available to this newspaper, reveals that the likelihood of a small ball fever panzootic is greater this year than in previous years, in large part because of the proliferation of small balls in the communities surrounding The Park.

Every year, the DWBS monitors the influx of small balls. This year, the number has increased tenfold. Experts say this is due, primarily, to the early onset of warm, sunny weather.

“Small balls are the bane of our existence,” said Cornelius Kakapo, Director of Public Relations for the DWBS. “We can contain them inside The Park, but there is nothing we can do to restrict their number outside our borders,” he said.

Small balls were first sighted in The Park more than a decade ago, but their number has grown exponentially over the past five years. The balls, which are better known outside The Park as “golf” balls, harbour the deadly Small Ball Fever virus inside their dimpled surface. The SBF virus is spread when it leaks through cracks in the ball’s surface and makes contact with mucosa in the mouth or nose. Symptoms include extremely high fever, chills, aching muscles, and, eventually, pulmonary dysfunction. All Animals are at risk of developing Small Ball Fever but some groups of Animals, including Squirrels, Donkeys, the elderly, and the infirm, are at particular risk.

The DWBS’s Kakapo was quick to assure Animals that the Department is doing everything in its power to limit the spread of Small Ball Fever and to protect The Park’s population from a panzootic.

For more information, please consult The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety pamphlet, “What you should know about Small Ball Fever.” 

Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life, Technology and Science Tagged With: panzootic, small ball fever

Let’s Talk Balls! with Bailey: The Soccer Ball

January 3, 2007 By TMD Balls Columnist Bailey

Today’s ball is the SOCCER ball.

The soccer ball has a long history with Dogs.

Originally employed in the Mediaeval period, cynologists (those who study Dogs) believe that the soccer ball was first used by the Mediaeval Dog in the crime-control ritual of raising the hue and cry.

Mediaeval scholars cite testimonial evidence in their belief that it was the Chief TithingDog who bore the responsibility of raising the hue and cry. This he effected by kicking the soccer ball into the middle of the town’s main square, and leaving it there until the alleged criminal had been arrested.

Scholars believe that the soccer ball was the first of the illuminated balls of the late 13th century and, as such, it proved to be the perfect tool for alerting the citizenry to the presence of a criminal at large.

Information from mediaeval epic poetry and sagas suggests that it was the organization of a formal Police force that led to the obsolescence of the hue and cry ritual and, thus, to the end of the use of the soccer ball as a tool of law enforcement.

Nevertheless, the soccer ball retained its place in the heart of the Mediaeval Dog and he used it in a variety of his feudal games.

Since that time, Dogs everywhere have enjoyed various forms of play with the soccer ball.

Sources: Domestic Chronicles of the Middle Ages: Volume 10, Balls; The Ball Files; Mediaeval Belief Systems and their Relationship to Balls; The Use of Balls in the Age of Chivalry.

Bailey can be reached at bailey@mammaliandaily.com

Filed Under: Breaking News, Let's Talk Balls!, Sports Tagged With: History of the soccer ball, let's talk balls, Sports

Where We Belong

September 5, 2006 By TMD Editorial Staff

Filed Under: Breaking News, On This Day, Park Life

Let’s Talk Balls! with Bailey: The Basketball

September 3, 2006 By TMD Balls Columnist Bailey

Today’s ball is the BASKETball.

The basketball has a long history with Dogs.

Originally designed as an adjunct tool for gathering food, cynologists (those who study Dogs) believe that the basketball was first employed by the Cave Dog on his forays into the wilderness in search of sustenance.

Archaeological evidence suggests that the first basketballs were stones that were covered in a heavy fabric. This fabric, which was the colour of terracotta, was wrapped several times around the stone until the circumference of the “ball” measured at least ten times that of the original stone.

Scholars believe that the ball was placed in the centre of the basket that the Cave Dog wore around his neck on food-gathering trips. The basketball, which weighed at least 1 kilogram, prevented the basket from shaking to and fro as the Cave Dog foraged about.

Many believe sporting history was made on the day that the woven reeds in the centre of the basket broke and the ball fell through the hole. The Cave Dog, who was amused by this occurrence, picked up the ball and dropped it, again, through the broken basket. He repeated this play with the ball, from ever increasing heights, until he settled on the idea of hanging the broken basket above the cave door.

Since that time, the broken basket and its companion ball have provided many hours of pleasure for Dogs everywhere.

Sources: Survival and Sustenance in the Prehistoric World, Volume 4: Balls; The Fireside Book of Canine Prehistory; The Extraordinary Life of the Everyday Dog (2nd edition); The World of the Prehistoric Dog: Revelations and Balls; Various Newspaper Articles and Reports.

Bailey can be reached at bailey@mammaliandaily.com.

This column originally appeared in Issue #112 of The Mammalian Daily.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Let's Talk Balls!, Sports Tagged With: history of the basketball, let's talk balls, Sports

Let’s Talk Balls! with Bailey: The Football

August 18, 2006 By TMD Balls Columnist Bailey

Today’s ball is the FOOTball.

The football has a long history with Dogs.

Originally designed as a domestic tool, cynologists (those who study Dogs) believe the football was first used by the Cave Dog in his attempts to keep the cave door open.

Archaeological evidence suggests that the first footballs were products of the potter’s craft. Scholars at the University of West Terrier who have examined shards found in recent digs believe that these first clay footballs were built by hand and fired in a simple kiln.

Cave paintings depicting the Cave Dog receiving visitors suggest that the football was used in the ancient Canine hospitality ritual of leaving the door ajar to welcome guests. Many scholars believe the first kick of the football occurred when the Cave Dog moved the ball in order to secure the cave door.

As rocks began to be used in the hospitality ritual, the football became less of a tool and more of a toy. Retaining its original earthen colour, the football has provided many hours of joy for Dogs everywhere.

Sources: Canine Prehistory: Society and Ritual; The Cave Dog’s Guide to the Sporting World; Daily Life in the Ancient Canine World, Volume 3: Balls; The Canine Picture Book of Balls; The Educated Ball Owner’ s Guide to the Good Life; Various Newspaper Articles and Reports.

Bailey can be reached at bailey@mammaliandaily.com.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Let's Talk Balls!, Sports Tagged With: History of the football, let's talk balls, Sports

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