The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

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Enterprises Moufettes recalls FeralNoMore™ over safety concerns

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In an unprecedented move, The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has ordered retailers to halt sales of a popular scent-masking agent.

Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., the manufacturer of FeralNoMore™ says it is recalling ten thousand cans of the spray after several Animals reported suffering ill effects from the product. The DWBS reported that two Animals were so overcome that they required short-term hospitalization.

The product, which the DWBS recommended last Spring in its Travel Advisory, is used by Animals to mask their origin and species, so that they may travel more freely outside The Park. In the recent past, FeralNoMore™ and other scent-masking agents have been credited with preventing a number of crimes against Park Animals, including kidnapping and enforced domestication.

According to a spokesAnimal for the DWBS, the most common conditions associated with FeralNoMore™ include pruritus (itching) and alopecia (hair loss). Both these effects are temporary, the spokesAnimal said, and Animals can be treated either in the physician’s office or at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. Reports of memory and identity loss are unsubstantiated, the spokesAnimal said.

The spray product was a popular purchase at many shops in The Park, including the Reek-O-Rama and Footpad Heaven.

In a statement issued after the recall, Enterprises Moufettes said that it hopes to isolate the problem and return the product to market “as soon as possible.”

UWT to enact hiring freeze

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The University of West Terrier will enact a hiring freeze, effective 01 Myrodia.

The hiring freeze will apply to all faculty and staff appointments for the years 27 and 28 AZ, the Governors of the University announced at a press conference today.

Citing reductions in operating grants and other budgetary constraints, the Governors said that they were forced to conclude that significant cuts would have to be made in order for the University to deliver “the high quality of education for which it is renowned.”

The Governors said that, before reaching this conclusion, they had held a series of meetings with The Park’s Finance Office, as well as with a number of independent donors.

“The Park’s economy is in crisis. The Finance Office fears it cannot meet all its obligations for 27 AZ and, therefore, they told us, we must be prepared to operate on a more limited budget,” the Governors said.

The Governors’ decision was not made lightly, they emphasized.

“The only alternative that we could see was to raise tuition fees, and that is the very last thing we would do,” they said.

The University of West Terrier is The Park’s oldest and most prestigious institution of higher learning in The Park. It boasts a distinguished faculty and many illustrious alumni, including Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court, filmmaker Douglas Cheetah, and award-winning author C.L. Birman.

Editorial: When beggars become choosers, we all become losers

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The line at the top of the CatsCare letterhead tugs at the heartstrings: “When the heart is full, the stomach rarely grumbles.”

How ironic that exhortation to all of us to feel for the less fortunate seems now, in light of the recent undoing of that charity’s board and the unseating of Bentley, its founder and president.

While it is too early in the investigation to render the final judgment, it is much too late for the rest of us to pretend that we had no inkling that something was rotten in the state of one of The Park’s oldest charities.

To be sure, there were signs. First among them was the 22 AZ decision made by the CatsCare board to accept only cash donations.

When a charity that feeds, houses, and provides medical care for needy Cats refuses to take donations in kind, what are we to make of it? And what, we must ask, is the effect of such a policy, not only on the recipients of their charitable aid, but on the donating population, as well?

In the case of CatsCare, the policy’s intentions have become all too clear in recent months. Yet, the effects of this folly have been far more profound than anyone ever intended: for, while Bentley and his board were busy fattening up their bank accounts with Ftoo siphoned off from donated funds, they were, at the same time, violating the trust of those who rely on them, abusing the trust of their donors, and shattering the confidence of all Park Animals in the idea of assisting each other by means of institutions set up for that purpose.

The breach is wide. The healing will take much time. But profound changes must occur.

No matter what the courts find, it is clear that CatsCare violated the code of ethics. Yet, where, in law, can we find this code of ethics? Alas, we cannot, for we have not committed it to law. This we must do, now. We must inscribe in law what we believe to be the proper behaviour for our charities. We must also imbed in any definition of “charity” this simple but essential idea: that we must take from our donors and give to the needy whatever it is that they need in such form as they require it. Only then can we restore the confidence of the donating public.

Marine Mammal Bank posts record gains in first quarter

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The Marine Mammal Bank of the Park (MMBP) has reported record first-quarter gains for 2008, thanks to the performance of its personal banking division.

The Park’s third largest bank reported an increase in deposits of 150% over the same period last year. The bank now estimates earnings for 2008 at twice those of last year. That figure was revised upward from a previous estimate of 160%.

According to Park law, banks that do business solely in The Park are not required to report their earnings in exact figures. Traditionally, Park banks have made public reports in earnings percentages, reserving exact figures for The Park Finance Office.

The growth in deposits to the MMBP is a result of the bank’s aggressive recruitment of funds from non-traditional sources, according to the bank’s Chief Executive Officer. Alphonse Dolphin said the bank is finding new and “innovative” ways to increase its clientele, including reaching out to new immigrants and to estivating species, in particular.

“This idea of reaching out to other species and to new citizens and responding directly to their particular needs and concerns… it’s a new idea in Park banking,” he said. “I’m sure it will become the norm in short order; we just happened to dive in ahead of everyone else.”

According to Park financial analyst and bank watcher, Veronique Jackal, the MMBP has done a “complete turnaround” in their priorities and it stands to gain significantly from this strategy.

“Unlike other [Park] banks, the Marine Mammal has decided to concentrate on personal banking, offering new customers interest at significantly higher rates [than other banks], as well as services that are geared to encouraging savings. This [strategy], coupled with their decision to reach out to the immigrant population and, in particular, to estivators – Animals that, historically, have been savers but who have not, traditionally, used the services of banks – will result, I believe, in massive gains for them [the bank] in the coming years.”

Other Park bank watchers agree, predicting that the MMBP is poised to overtake The Monotreme Savings Bank this year and sneak into second place behind the behemoth Founding Families Financial Corporation.

This article first appeared in Issue #118 of The Mammalian Daily.

Let’s Talk Balls! with Bailey: The Tennis Ball

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Today’s ball is the TENNIS ball.

The tennis ball has a long history with Dogs.

Originally employed in the ancient world, cynologists (those who study Dogs) believe that the tennis ball was first used in the hospitality rites that were common among the ancient Canines.

Evidence from Canine epic poetry suggests that the balls were used in the entertainment portion of these rites. Citing lines from The Kyniad, the oldest of these poems, cynologists at the University of West Terrier have supported their belief that the balls were used in a type of “dance” that was performed in front of guests at the end of a meal. In Books VI and VII of the poem, young female Canines toss the ball back and forth, nose to nose, to the sound of string music.

These balls, which were originally terracotta spheres, were covered in vine leaves in order to cushion the blow to the Dogs’ noses. Historians postulate that, as this rite evolved, paddles fashioned from tree branches and fitted with cloth at one end were used to strike the ball. Many years later, the balls were refashioned out of more flexible material.

While this hospitality rite eventually disappeared from use, the dance became a favourite pastime in the years before zoocracy.

Since that time, Dogs everywhere have enjoyed various forms of play with the tennis ball.

Sources: The Kyniad; Daily Life in the Ancient Canine World, Volume 3: Balls; Balls of the Ancient Canine Games; Hospitality Rites and Rituals in the Ancient Canine World; From Sphere to Shining Sphere: A History of Balls Across the Ages; The Canine’s Illustrated Guide to Balls; Ancient Spherophiles and their Influence on History; Follow the Bouncing Ball: How Dogs Introduced Balls to the Human World; The Concept of Play in the Ancient Canine World; Balls: An Appreciation; various newspaper articles and reports.  

Bailey can be reached at bailey@mammaliandaily.com

Scientific community decries increase in “weesearch”

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Members of The Park’s scientific community have voiced their concern over the growing number of research grants that are being awarded to investigators whose projects examine subjects that pertain directly to their own populations.

In a statement issued on 12 January, the Committee to Oversee Scientific Research in The Park (COSRIP) said that it is particularly concerned about the number of grants that have been approved for studies that address issues that are related, specifically, to small Animals. These projects, which involve laboratory research and clinical trials, are led by principal investigators who are members of the small Animal population.

“The number of grants awarded to small Animals is disproportionate to the Park’s scientific population but that, in itself, is not a cause for concern,” said Dr. Milada J. page4image31040Goose, head of the Honking Hollow laboratory at the University of West Terrier, and a senior member of COSRIP.

“What we do find disturbing is that these small-Animal-led studies are focused on the concerns of the small Animal population. This undermines the studies’ credibility and characterizes them, whether rightly or wrongly, as ‘weesearch’ projects rather than as scientific investigations. We do not want to be seen funding studies that give the appearance of one community attempting to research its own concerns,” she said.

For its part, the Small Animal Scientific Community (SASC) has been quick to respond to the Committee’s accusation of conducting “weesearch.” On the occasion of the release of its annual page4image27528report, SASC-WATCH, the organization’s president took issue with COSRIP’s criticism. Citing The Memory Project, the largest scientific investigation ever funded in The Park, SASC President, Tarquinius P. Shrew, accused COSRIP of bias against small Animals.

“The Memory Project is both led and staffed by Elephants, but they [COSRIP] have no qualms about funding it,” he said.

Nevertheless, Dr. Goose reasserted COSRIP’s commitment to root out any semblance of partiality in the studies that are funded in The Park.

“We do not support any community’s professional occupation with itself,” she said.

Let’s Talk Balls! with Bailey: The Squash Ball

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Today’s ball is the SQUASH ball.

The squash ball has a long history with Dogs.

Originally found in European royal households (or courts, as they are called) cynologists (those who study Dogs) believe that the first squash balls were used by the court Dogs as vessels for the preparation and dispensation of medicines.

Early illustrations suggest that the first squash balls were hollow and inflexible spherical contraptions that were made of polished ebony. The first balls were manufactured in two pieces which were fastened together with two nails whose heads protruded at one end of the ball.

Historians postulate that one part of the ball was filled with dried leaves, berries, and other plant materials that Dogs ingested to relieve the symptoms of illness. The other part contained a number of rough stones. When the two parts of the ball were joined together, the ball was thrown hard against the wall, 50-100 times, in order to pulverize the materials inside. Once these medicaments were ground to a powder, they were dispensed through the holes that were left when the nails were removed.

Long after the ebony balls ceased to be used for grinding, the court Dogs still engaged in the ritual of throwing them against the wall. This sport was made even more pleasurable for them after they discovered rubber (more than 200 years before zoocracy) and began to manufacture the balls from this substance.

Since that time, Dogs everywhere have enjoyed various forms of play with the squash ball.

Sources: Balls: History and Prehistory, Volume 5; The Ball Files; Royal Dogs and their Balls; The Effects of Balls on the European Court; The Use of Balls in the Modern Age; Butternut Balls: A Modern Study; BALLography:Historical Truths and other Tales about Balls; various newspaper articles and reports. 

Bailey can be reached at bailey@mammaliandaily.com

Let’s Talk Balls! with Bailey: The Bowling Ball

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Today’s ball is the BOWLINGball.

The bowling ball has a long history with Dogs.

Originally designed as a culinary tool, cynologists (those who study Dogs) believe that the bowling ball was the first vessel used by the Cave Dog when he began to mix and cook his morning gruel.

Shards gathered at the rich clay areas of The Park suggest that the first bowling balls were earthenware creations. These balls originally had no holes; later balls discovered near the site were found to have three holes. Scholars postulate that the Cave Dog added holes at a later time in order to allow steam to rise from the ball when it was placed on the open fire.

As Canine cooking methods evolved, Dogs began to favour open pots. Bowling balls were relegated to the shelves as decoration until many centuries later, when they became one of the tools of War Dogs in Human military campaigns.

Military logs displayed in The Park’s Canine Military Museum reveal that the bowling ball was used by the War Dogs as a “paw grenade.” After filling it with gunpowder, the Dogs rolled the ball into enemy territory, where it exploded. So successful was this manoeuvre that it was employed in many wars and came to be known as the “three-hole punch.”

As more sophisticated combat methods replaced the “paw grenade,” the ball’s use became strictly recreational. Since that time, the bowling ball has provided many hours of joy for Dogs everywhere.

Sources: Canine Culinary History, Volume 1; Annals of the Canine Military Museum, “L’enfer, c’est la guerre,” by Denis Bagarre; Various newspaper articles and reports. 

Bailey can be reached at bailey@mammaliandaily.com

Let’s Talk Balls! with Bailey: The Golf Ball

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Today’s ball is the GOLF ball.

The golf ball has a long history with Dogs.

Originally known as the “gulf” ball, these dimpled, spherical formations were discovered at the mouth of the Gulf of México, many thousands of years before the common era (and Zoocracy).

Naturally occurring and of limestone, archaeological evidence suggests that the ball’s dimples were formed by erosion that was caused by the thick sands found in the deep Gulf.

Many scholars believe that the first gulf balls were discovered by Chihuahuas who had set up camp in the area. Others are of the opinion that it was the Havanese who were the first to find the gulf ball, living as they did at the mouth of the Gulf of México. All are in agreement, however, that it was, indeed, the Havanese who spearheaded the campaign to manufacture replicas of the ball and to encourage its use as a recreational tool. It was also the Havanese who transported it, many centuries later, to the British Isles.

The first recorded use of the gulf ball was found in the log of a ship captain.

It read:“The dog [sic] brought the stone gulf ball onto the ship and [one of] the crew[men], [who were] by then exhausted and of low spirits, took a long, sharp object and smacked the stone back into the water. The rest of the crew applauded his effort and thought the deed done until the dog brought another stone for smacking…”

Thus was born the game that we now call “Golf,” which is played with the ball of the same name, the word “gulf” having undergone vocalic change as a result of its pairing with the word “ball.”

Since that time, the game and its ball have provided many hours of joy for Dogs everywhere.

Sources: A Short History of Canine Sport; Balls: History and Prehistory, Volume 1; The Havanese and the Coming of Golf; Golf: The Game and its History; Limestone Cowboys; Balls Across the Water: The True Story of the Gulf Ball; Dimpled Future: The Effect of Golf on the Lives of Humans; various newspaper articles and reports.

Bailey can be reached at bailey@mammaliandaily.com.

Let’s Talk Balls! with Bailey: The Cricket Ball

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Today’s ball is the CRICKET ball.

The cricket ball has a long history with Dogs.

Originally employed in the Mediaeval period, cynologists (those who study Dogs) believe that the cricket ball was first employed by Dogs as a tool in the annual harvesting of the fields in Mediaeval Africa.

Scholars familiar with the period cite the drama of the time, commonly known as “Meerakle Plays,” as evidence that the balls were regularly used for two purposes: the harvesting of cotton and, later, protecting the farm against thieving Meerkats in the area.

The balls, which were constructed of cork from the northern part of Africa, are believed to have been transported to the south for the purpose of harvesting cotton. This the Dogs did by rolling the balls over the cotton as it lay in mounds on the ground, after it had been picked off the bush. As the balls picked up the cotton, they grew larger and larger until they became impossible to roll. The farmers, then, collected the balls, removed the mass of cotton from the cork base, and tossed them back to the Dogs. This tossing action scared the Meerkats and the farm Dogs soon began to use this method to secure the fields. The Dogs tossed the balls, first with their paws and, later, with branches and twigs that they collected from nearby trees.

Centuries later, after cotton harvesting became automated and other methods were used to secure the farms, the tossing of the cricket ball remained a popular pastime among the farm Dogs.

Since that time, Dogs everywhere have enjoyed various forms of play with the cricket ball.

Sources: MeerStories and Mediaeval Meerakle Plays; Farming in the Middle Ages; Domestic Chronicles of the Middle Ages,Volume 9, Farming; Farming and Manufacture from Their Beginnings Until Today, Volume 3, Balls; If Balls Could Talk; Ballieving; Follow the Bouncing Ball: How Dogs Introduced Balls to the Human World; various newspaper articles and reports.

Bailey can be reached at bailey@mammaliandaily.com.

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