Economy forces Animals to work as “domestics” outside Park
A record number of unemployed Animals have left The Park to take jobs as domestic companions to Humans
The sluggish economy is taking its toll on the professional and personal lives of Park citizens.
“The situation is dire,” says Dr. Anneliese Cissa, head of the Livingstone School of Economics and Social Science at the University of West Terrier and author of a new report on the economy entitled, “Seeking Greener Pastures: The Exodus of the Unwilling and Able.”
The report, which analyzed economic and employment data gathered by The Park’s Department of Statistics and Records, paints a gloomy picture of the future unless immediate action is taken.
According to the report, recent statistics show that a record number of Animals have had to leave their homes and families in the past year to seek work outside The Park.
“The Park is simply not generating a sufficient number of jobs for its population,” says Dr. Cissa. “As a consequence, we are losing our best and brightest…the skilled and the most diligent. And Humans are the ones who are benefitting.”
Indeed, figures cited in the report indicate that, out of financial necessity, a great many Animals have been forced to take jobs as “domestic companions” to Humans outside The Park.
“This is tragic on so many levels,” says Cissa. “These are Animals who were trained and educated at institutions in The Park, Animals who were promised a better life than their ancestors had. These are Animals who believed in the Promise of The Park, and who believed that Animals would never have to serve Humans again. They’ve been betrayed by the economy and they are starting to question their commitment to The Park, itself. It is a very challenging situation.”
Dr. Cissa’s report is scheduled to be presented to the Archons’ full assembly on Tuesday.
Literary mag sets up shop, tells Animals not to submit work
Our newest literary magazine has issued a curious invitation to The Park’s creative community: please read us, but don’t try to write for us.
Grains of Truth, a journal that describes itself as “the embodiment of excellence” and “publisher of only the best in Animal writing” sent its first edition to store shelves less than a week ago. Along with it came an insert that warned writers not to attempt to have their work published in the journal.
The insert, which begins, “Dear Writers,” outlines the magazine’s policy vis-à-vis unsolicited submissions:
“While we maintain great respect for the work of The Park’s artistic community, we have neither the Animalpower nor the will to sift through piles of submissions in search of material to publish in our magazine. We appreciate your interest in our journal and hope that you enjoy reading the excellent fiction you find in it.”
The magazine’s editor, Dorine Ovella, declined The Mammalian Daily’s invitation to clarify the submission policy. Through a spokesAnimal, however, she issued this statement:
“We meant no offence to any writer when we issued our submission statement. We are a private journal and, as such, we reserve the right to publish work that is to our taste and, hopefully, to the taste of our readers.”
SpontaneousGeneration’s newest song tops charts
Take that, Science!
Veteran Park musicians, SpontaneousGeneration, have topped the charts with their latest recording, Inanimates Matter.
A spokesAnimal for Rotunda Records, the group’s label, confirmed that the new single, which was released as a digital download just two weeks ago, has surpassed the company’s expectations.
“Sales have quadrupled in the last few days and there are no signs of a slowdown,” the spokesAnimal told The Mammalian Daily.
While some of the group’s critics attribute the song’s success to the warmer weather, fans claim it is the group’s best release since Maggot May.
“It would be hard to top the songs on [the group’s 12-song collection] Vital Heat, but this comes pretty close,” said the president of the SpontaneousGeneration fan club.
Majority of Park Animals home-schooled: study
The majority of Park Animals receive their basic education at home, according to the results of a study completed last year.
The study, which was commissioned by the 2011 Archons in conjunction with the Park Education Working Collective (PEWC), was conducted by researchers at the F. Varrah Flanagan School of Education at the University of West Terrier.
The results of the study, published yesterday in the academic quarterly, Journal of Education Theory and Experience (JETE), indicate that a very small minority of Animals take advantage of any of the educational opportunities offered free of charge by The Park.
“This is an area of great concern to us,” said head researcher Domoina Fossa. “Over the past few years, we have witnessed an increase in interspecial crime and particularly violent crime. We believe this could be mitigated by introducing Animals to other species at an earlier point in their lives.”
According to renowned Park historian, Beatrice Zilonis, currently a professor in the Department of History at UWT, the impetus for developing The Park’s educational resources was exactly that idea:
“Interspecial harmony is one of the guiding principles of zoocracy. It was one of Jor’s [The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy] core beliefs that we must foster interspecial harmony through Animals’ knowledge of and friendship with different species,” says Zilonis.
Many in The Park believe that basic education for Animals has been neglected and that institutions of higher learning have received a disproportionate amount of attention and resources in recent years.
“We will have to attend to this unbalanced situation if we want to avoid serious problems in the future,” says researcher Fossa.
Park’s grooming houses to fund new School of Aesthetics
The Park’s leading grooming houses will fund the establishment of a school dedicated to the teaching of multi-special aesthetics and hygiene
The Park’s grooming houses announced today that they are banding together to fund an independent school dedicated to the teaching of aesthetics. The school, which is as yet unnamed, will be the first of its kind in The Park and will offer a certificate to those who complete its two-year programme.
The announcement was made this afternoon, when representatives of The Park’s five leading grooming houses gathered at The Pluming Room to outline their vision of a school that teaches multi-special grooming techniques, skin and hair care, and hygiene, “as well as the beautification techniques that have become so popular lately, such as Featherrection™.”
“There is a gap in The Park’s educational system, and we are looking to fill it,” said Elspeth Rinder, who holds a specialist certificate in Bovine Lumpy Skin Disease and practises at Amoltrud’s Aesthetics on a part-time basis.
The grooming houses, which together employ more than 300 practitioners of aesthetics and their assistants, say they have had trouble finding qualified staff and not one of their current employees trained at a school inside The Park.
“This is nothing short of embarrassing,” said Amoltrud Poedel, owner of Amoltrud’s Aesthetics, The Park’s oldest grooming house.
“I think that, as a Park, we are mature enough now to educate our own groomers.”
Tallulah of Tallulah’s Toilettage said that funding for the school will come “directly from our collective revenue” and that, initially, the school will be staffed by the grooming houses.
“In the beginning, all the instructors will be in active practice at our establishments. They will not receive any pay for their duties at the school, but their hours of work at the grooming houses will be reduced to accommodate their new responsibilities,” she said.
In addition, the school will invite guest instructors from outside The Park to teach classes and give demonstrations.
“Breadth of experience and technique is extremely important and we aim to provide a well-rounded education in the aesthetic arts,” Tallulah said.
Although a location for the school has yet to be determined, the founders are confident they will be ready to welcome their first class of students in the Autumn of 2013.
Ulrica Gilda Groundhog: “Get ready for Spring!”
The Park’s 2012 Official Prognisticator of Spring says that Winter is almost over.
At precisely 7:46 this morning, the Groundhog emerged from her burrow and, seeing no sign of her shadow, predicted that Spring is just around the corner.
The Mammalian Daily and all The Park’s citizens salute you, Ulrica, for a job well done!
Don’t forget, Mammalian Daily reporters are blogging live from the Groundhog Day festivities. Click here to log on.
POPS prediction to occur at any moment
The Park awaits the prediction of the 2012 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), Ulrica Gilda Groundhog.
The View From Here
Less than a day before Groundhog Day 2012, Millicent Hayberry reminisces about holidays past…
Click here to read her story.
Barkettes to re-release Stuffed Dogs Don’t Shed
With two days to go before Groundhog Day, Thisbe and the Barkettes are set to re-release one of their earliest hits.
A spokesanimal for Rotunda Records confirmed this morning that one of the Barkettes’ most popular and controversial songs, Stuffed Dogs Don’t Shed, has been digitally re-mastered and will be available for download this afternoon.
The song, upon which Varden Spaniel’s film is based, was a runaway hit when it was first released over a decade ago. It proved controversial, however, when a few critics called it a “sellout hit” and accused the Barkettes of promoting the role of Animals as the pets of Humans.
“Lyrics such as ‘Stuffed Dogs don’t shed/or break your heart/Don’t snuggle in bed/or inspire art’ serve as a clarion call to Humans to adopt living Animals rather than stuffed replicas,” said a review in The Ruminant Free Press.
The Barkettes never directly addressed the controversy, even though it was well-known that at least three of the group’s members were living with Humans at the time they recorded the song.
Some of The Park’s political pundits believe there is a significance to the date of the song’s re-release. During yesterday’s special forum, hosted by Yannis Tavros of Toro Talk Radio, Ronald Grouse, chief political analyst at The Avian Messenger, expressed his view that “the composition of the 2012 government might lead to a more pro-Human stance in policy.” Grouse was referring to the fact that, of the 35 Archons selected by lottery this year, a larger number than usual belong to species that have a history of being companions to Humans. Grouse reiterated his statement this morning, adding that he thought the song’s re-release in anticipation of the Archons’ address on Groundhog Day might be an attempt to “soften the impact of their [the Archons’] planned policy direction.”
The Barkettes have made no official comment on the re-release of their song.
Related article: Barkettes documentary to open Park film festival
