The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2012—Dear Noreen: My Humans look at other Dogs. What should I do?

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Official NoreenDEAR NOREEN: I live with the two Humans who adopted me a few years ago. Our life together is good, but one thing about their behaviour really bothers me. They can’t seem to stay away from other Dogs. Whenever we’re outside and they see another Dog, they make these embarrassing “ ooohing” and “aaahing” sounds. They’ve even been known to cross the street just to get a better look at another Dog! Are other Dogs a threat to my happy home? What should I do?-INSECURE

DEAR INSECURE: Ah, the joys of Human companionship! Anyone who reads this newspaper regularly knows my opinion of Humans: they’re lovely to look at it, but I wouldn’t want to live with one. But, cheer up! There is hope on the horizon.

While their behaviour is a mystery to other Animals, there is one thing that almost all of us agree on: loyalty is not a trait that we associate with the Human species.

So, it should come as no surprise that Humans might spend time looking at other Dogs — even going so far as to offer them food or affection — without any sense that this might be upsetting to their own Dog. This occurs indoors as well as on the street, I might add, and generally does nothing for the Human-Canine bond at home.

Still, what makes up for Humans’ lack of loyalty is a trait known colloquially as “generosity” and it is likely this trait that will save you from an unpleasant outcome in these circumstances. And that is because, should your Humans fall for another Dog, research shows they are 182 times more likely to add that Dog to your household than to replace you with this new one. So, rather than being a threat to your happiness, other Dogs may actually end up increasing it.

Dear Noreen is a regular feature of The Mammalian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for Noreen, please send it via Twitter at @talkswithnoreen.

OTD in 2014—Social media site gewper in talks to produce scented movie: rumour

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GewperThe Park’s social media darling gewper (pronounced “Gooper”) is said to be in talks with producer Egbert Bunzing to bring a scented film to the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF) next year.

The social media site, which is owned by RhinoTech, Inc. has enjoyed enormous success since it ventured into scent two years ago. The company’s partnership with Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., makers of the popular scent-masking product, FeralNoMore™, proved to be a game-changer, according to Consuela Tapir, who runs the tech rumour web site, TikTekTok.

“They opened up a whole new world with the ability to smell [those with whom they were interacting] and it has yet to be matched by any other company,” she says.

RhinoTech’s earnings skyrocketed a year after they introduced scent to the site and the company was believed to be working on a project that would allow members to touch each other across cyberspace. Tapir says that idea has been put on hold temporarily and they are now looking to break into what she calls “pure entertainment.”

For his part, those who know Bunzing say that he’s been looking for an “edgy” new idea and that this “is right up his alley.” Calls to his publicist, however, have not been returned and repeated requests for RhinoTech Chief Executive Officer Aldrich Nashorn to comment on this story have gone unanswered.

OTD in 2014—Dare to compare, say budget opponents calling for massive protest Wednesday

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Three Budgets

The 2015 “streamlined” budget that was presented by the Park Finance Office last month remains a contentious issue among residents, with some in the business community calling for a full re-think.

“I think we are owed some kind of explanation, as well as a full accounting, not this shoddy business that they’ve offered us,” say members of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS).

Also calling for a free and full public discussion of the matter is Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr., organizer of The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations.

Not surprisingly, Whistlepig is not at all pleased with the 10% of the budget that is earmarked for “special events.” He says he has no idea how much of that 10% will go to Groundhog Day.

“Special events?” he asks. “Groundhog Day is so much more than a ‘special event.’ It’s the backbone of our community,” he says, exasperated.

“I’ve dealt with cutbacks and surpluses … back and forth. And last minute, too. But this is the most outrageous allocation of funds I’ve ever seen.”

The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations is also calling for a re-do of the budget.

At her office this morning, Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the department, went on record as saying her department “cannot function with only 10% of the budget.”

“Are they forgetting how important these events are?” she asked.

Though reluctant to lend her support to the idea of a full-blown protest, Kanariar said she hopes the Archons and the PFO “take note of current sentiment.”

Meanwhile, both PASS and a number of The Park’s refugee and immigrant aid groups have organized what they are calling a “massive protest” to be held on Wednesday. Plans so far are for protesters to meet in front of the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.

“We have no doubt that we’ll be able to get our message out this way,” says Whistlepig.

OTD in 2012—Will Nestor’s pivotal water study result in a paradigm shift?

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Human manipulation, extra-hortulanial topology, weather, technology, and Animal magnetism: all these elements and more are responsible for the high degree of academic and public interest surrounding the results of Nestor P. Cat’s pivotal study of the flow of water.

The results of the study, which are to be published this February in the prestigious scientific journal, Eureka, come some four years after Nestor set out on his quest to understand the intricate twists and turns of water behaviour.

Sparked by his innate curiosity and funded by the independent scientific agency, The Four Ws (Winter, Water, Weather, and Wellbeing Experts), the crucial investigation has the potential of changing the way water patterns are thought about in The Park. This, in turn, may have the unprecedented effect of altering the way in which water is gathered and dispensed by Park agencies, including The Park’s weather office.

“There is definitely potential for a trickle-down scenario,” said a spokesAnimal for The Park’s weather office.

Early findings from the study, which were leaked last month to this newspaper, suggest that, in an adjunct study, Nestor, inadvertently, may also have tapped into a water source that was previously unknown to Park authorities.

Many Park scientists remain skeptical, however, not only about the study’s results, but about its methodology.

“Nestor’s scientific method is impeccable,” said University of West Terrier scientist and waterworks expert, Francis G. Beaver. “He is a devoted scientist and his study was arduous. Still, we believe that there are inherent problems in his methodology. At the risk of appearing specist, many of us in The Park’s scientific community believe that, because this was an observational study, it should have involved more than one species of Animal.”

Others are critical of the fact that Nestor chose to broaden the scope of the study by taking it outside The Park.

“While I commend him [Nestor] for refusing to limit his study to the behaviour of Park water (her emphasis), I believe that expanding the study into an arena in which the major actors are Humans adds a degree of vulnerability to his conclusions,” said Dr. Milada J. Goose, head of the Honking Hollow laboratory at the UWT.

Despite the controversy, The Park’s scientific community says that it stands firmly in support of Nestor’s research.

“He is a meticulous scientist and an acute observer,” said Dr. Beaver.

This issue originally appeared in Issue #116 of The Mammalian Daily.

OTD in 2011—PIFF organizers announce opening night film

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With less than two weeks to go before the first red carpet affair, the organizers of The Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF) today confirmed the name of the work that will open this year’s event.

At a press conference held this morning at the Park Cinema, PIFF Communications President, Leola Ocelot, announced that the first film to be screened at the opening gala on October 1 will be Naked, Toothless, and Blind.  The film, which was produced by Etienne Escurel and Mabbina Marmot, has been described as a “dark tale enveloping a bright interior.”

The Park Interspecial Film Festival is celebrating its 7th year this season.  Before calendar harmonization, the Festival was known, affectionately, as “Five Days in Felis.”  In its first year, the Festival screened six films; this year, organizers say, thirty films will grace screens across The Park and the list of celebrity attendants is the longest in the Festival’s history.

OTD in 2013—CAA threatens to boycott Interspecial Summer Games

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2013 Interspecial Summer Games The Canine Athletic Association is threatening a last-minute boycott of the 2013 Interspecial Summer Games.

“We will pull all our athletes from the Games unless our demands to reinstate the Dog Paddle as a competitive swimming stroke are met,” CAA President Alexandre Caniche advised in a statement released early this morning.

The Dog Paddle has not been used in any official Park swimming competitions since the establishment of zoocracy 31 years ago. The Canine Athletic Association has spent the last seven years fighting to reinstate it as a competitive swimming stroke. Earlier this month, the CAA lost its most recent battle, when the ISG Committee decided against reinstating the stroke in time for the 2013 Games.

Today’s statement is the strongest on record, with Caniche alleging on behalf of the Association that “specism” was a factor in the decision-making. He also called for a full investigation of the ISG Committee members.

If the CAA decides to follow through with its threat, it will have a detrimental effect on the Games, say sports commentators and representatives of the Park Broadcasting Corporation, the official broadcaster of the 2013 Games.

“Canine athletes compete in almost every sport in the Games and they have an avid following both inside and outside The Park. Without Canines in the field and in the water, we will have a much smaller audience and, to be frank, a far less interesting — and fair — competition,” a PBC spokesAnimal told The Mammalian Daily.

Asked in a radio interview this afternoon whether there were dissenters among the Association’s ranks, Caniche demurred, then answered that members “had not been polled recently on specific matters.”

“Our membership has been united in this fight for over seven years and I have no reason to believe that has changed. In any case, all Canine athletes in The Park are required to be members of our Association, so the point is moot. No Canine will be competing in the Summer Games if the CAA calls a boycott,” he said.

The Interspecial Summer Games are scheduled to begin on September 22 and run until October 1.

See also:

CAA renews campaign to “Bring Back the Dog Paddle!”
CAA steps up pressure on Summer Games committee
CAA to ISG: “This is not the Dog paddle we asked for!”

OTD in 2016—Button maker received order for Millicent Hayberry candidacy: rumour

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It’s been over a month since Park citizens heard the rumour that Millicent Hayberry was considering a bid for 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS).

Though she has kept mum on the subject, a source close to one of The Park’s most prominent button makers has told The Mammalian Daily that  the company received an order to produce buttons for her campaign.

The source, who wishes to remain anonymous, said the order came in two weeks ago from a “campaign leader.” The order is said to be for three different versions of a button, one of the prototypes of which appears on this page.

Hayberry, who is wrapping up her performance at the Burrow Theatre in “Godwit,” the first of three mystery plays by Gianfranco Colocolo, is expected to make some form of announcement before the end of the month. Candidates have until November 5 to enter the race.

Sources tell The Mammalian Daily that were Hayberry to run, she would have the support of Hieronymous Hedgehog, along with a number of other prominent hibernators. Her candidacy may lean heavily on the idea of “breaking the species barrier,” since all successful candidates for POPS have been Groundhogs. Nevertheless, since the 2011 and 2012 candidacies of Zachariah Skunk and Lorenzo Michele Chipmunk, there has been a call for broadening the field in this election and making the list of candidates more representative of The Park’s population.

OTD in 2014—Does of Peace add “new dimension” to Beats of Burden music fest: Alfredo Ox

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Does of PeaceJargonhead may have been the headliner and the SCENTient Beings may have unveiled their new “reekabilly” sound but, according to The Beasts of Burden’s lead singer Alfredo Ox, the real stars of this past weekend’s music festival were the Does of Peace.

The Park’s new peacekeepers even got a shout-out from Ox when he leapt to the Beats of Burden stage on Friday night, ostensibly to welcome back our estivators. In an unexpected twist, Ox used the occasion to praise the Does, who he said, “grabbed an opportunity where there was none and made us the beneficiaries.”

“They’ve added a whole new dimension to peacekeeping and to our lives and I want to thank them for that,” he concluded.

Doves of Peace spokesBird Georgina Golub concurred on Sunday. “They were fantastic … and not just in an auxiliary way. They’re absolute naturals and an important addition.”

OTD in 2016—#PIFFPiffle: Rumour says Tab Tricolore to open Tabby Club to all for PIFF 2016

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The Tabby ClubThe latest out of the PIFF 2016 rumour mill is that celebrity chef Tab Tricolore intends to open up The Tabby Club to all during the five-day film fest.

The pub, which was founded and run by Jor, The Park’s first leader, has always been a “striped-only” establishment. That has caused some controversy in the past and in May, Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros launched his #BullinTheTabbyClub campaign after he was was denied entry to the pub.

But now, those close to him say that the Bad Boy chef has decided throw open the doors of his pub to all. But only for the duration of the festival.

“He wants to do it to celebrate the spirit of ‘full equality of experience,’ which is what WINK, the opening film, is all about,”  says Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla, the chef’s former saucier.

According to our sources, the celebrity chef and restaurateur was the driving force behind choosing WINK as the festival’s opening night film. WINK explores the experience of a group of Park citizens as they make the transition from being Animals of pattern to living their lives as solid-coloureds. The film’s subject matter is believed to be so dear to Tricolore’s heart that he was among the film’s financial backers.

Tricolore is expected to make an official announcement regarding the opening of The Tabby Club in the next few days.

The Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF) runs from 1-5 October 2016.

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