The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

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OTD in 2014—Millicent Hayberry in conversation: My Groundhog Day

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MillicentHayberry YOUTUBE sizeGroundhog Day has its roots deep in the Animal tradition of weather prognostication. The Park’s celebration of the prediction of the Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) attracts tens of thousands of Animals annually, making it one of our most important occasions.

Today, The Mammalian Daily speaks to actress Millicent Hayberry about her recollections of Groundhog Days past and her feelings about future celebrations. This interview was conducted at the end of November 2013,  just before Millicent Hayberry went into hibernation.

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TMD: Millicent, how important was, or is, Groundhog Day to you and your family?

MH:  Groundhog Day has always been a special event in my family. It’s always had a special meaning to us.

We’re hibernators, of course, but we’ve always made a point of getting up and out on the second day of February to greet the celebrants and to hear the Groundhog’s prediction. I can’t recall a year that we didn’t do so and I can’t imagine a year that I wouldn’t do so.

TMD: How is Groundhog Day different now? Or, is it?

MH: In some ways, it’s tremendously different, in the way that we celebrate it, although it still keeps to its basic function and idea, which is to predict the future and to celebrate our survival.

In the old days, there wasn’t nearly as much fuss about the day as there is, today. Now, almost all of us hibernators decorate our burrows before we settle in. My next-door neighbour hangs ribbons and flags outside his burrow. Every year, I choose a different colour to decorate with and then I add splashes of that colour on my door, on the floor of my burrow, even on my bedding. When I finally settle down for a good Winter’s sleep, I drift off while thinking about all the delectable food that they’ll have ready for us on Groundhog Day. And that is one of the differences.

TMD: How so?

MH: When I first started attending the celebrations, there was no fancy food and there were no food tables. We had what they called a “food exchange.” Everybody brought something they’d made and they shared it with the others. It was wonderful. And enlightening. And it was a way of getting to know about your neighbours and about other species. There’s nothing like food to bring Animals together. Or to rip them apart, of course. But the wonderful thing, in those first years of zoocracy, was that we were really trying to get to know each other and to make zoocracy work. We had a lot invested in it.

TMD: Do you miss the celebrations of those bygone days?

MH: Do I miss them? Sometimes, I must say, I miss the simplicity of them. Groundhog Day was a small celebration, then. There weren’t such large numbers of Animals attending in those days. You can’t have that kind of simplicity with so many Animals in attendance. But, these days, members of all species attend the celebration and I think that’s a wonderful thing. And, so, Groundhog Day has become one of the high points in The Park’s social calendar and I wouldn’t trade that for all the simplicity in the world.

TMD: Getting back to food for a minute, do you feel we’ve lost something by having the event catered and not providing the food ourselves?

I do not. We are so fortunate in The Park to have such an abundance of comestibles, even with a relatively short growing season. And this fantastically large celebration gives our many great chefs the chance to showcase their skills. It’s a wonderful opportunity for everybody! And, I have to say, that nutritious and innovative cuisine they serve fuels my dreams throughout hibernation.

TMD: When you were young, how did you prepare for hibernation?

MH: When I was a young Chipmunk, hibernation preparation was the most exciting time of the year. Now, it’s Groundhog Day that’s become the focus, but preparing for hibernation is still exciting and I still think about those early years with great joy.

Around the middle of October, my littermates and I would begin our daily food-gathering excursions with Mother. We’d hunt for acorns and nuts and seeds and any other delicious food we could find that would fit in the food storage chambers of our burrows. We’d gather everything up in a big basket, which Mom would carry for us. Every night, when we got home, Mom would divvy up the supplies and we’d scurry off to our own burrows to fill the storage chambers. What fun it was! There were five of us and we were very competitive with each other. Each one of us wanted to have the fullest chamber. Mom knew that desire would motivate us, so she never discouraged it. But, after the food gathering was over, she made sure we all had the same amount of food in our burrows.

TMD: Do your litter mates still live in The Park? Will they be attending the festivities this year?

MH: Three of my litter mates live in The Park. One moved east, but she visits regularly. The four of us here will, indeed, be attending as a group this year. And I look forward to seeing Mammalian Daily reporters there, too.

TMD: And we look forward to celebrating with you and your family, Millicent. Thank you so much for taking the time to talk with us. 

MH: It was my pleasure.

OTD in 2016—Photos of Park Animals in hibernation “very disturbing,” say police, DWBS

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Artist's rendering of Animal in hibernation

Artist’s rendering

The emergence of a cache of photos that show Park Animals in various stages of hibernation is “very disturbing,” say Park Police and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS).

The photos, which likely were taken by cameras installed secretly—and illegally— in hibernators’ burrows, were posted last night on the gossip web site headsNtales.

PotWatcher, The Park’s foremost web-watching organization says the pictures appeared “without fanfare and without any mention of their provenance or their authenticity.”

“They appeared serially, about one every half-hour,” says Rufus Gordon Gaupe, President and CEO of PotWatcher.

Not surprisingly, the photos have gone viral despite a police order that headsNtales remove them from the site.

Cornelius Kakapo, DWBS Director of Public Relations, confirmed the department was notified after Gaupe reported the postings to police.

“To me, it’s not just a breach of privacy; it’s a breach of trust and a threat to interspecial harmony,” Gaupe told The Mammalian Daily.

Park police agree with Gaupe and are initiated a “full investigation” that includes staff from the Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) and the Interspecial Investigations Unit. They have also set up a special hotline and are appealing to all Animals who think they might have seen anything related to the crimes or who know any Animal who might be involved.

“We want to talk to any Animal who has any ideas about this,” says SHCU Chief Inspector Maurice Addax.

The Park Police Hotline number is: 226-887-4277.

OTD in 2012—Chitter Radio rescues literary awards

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Chitter Radio, one of The Park’s most popular talk radio stations, has brought The Park Annual Literary Awards (PALA) back from the brink.

At a press conference this morning, Chitter President and C.E.O., Albana Ketri, confirmed that Radio 244883.7 (known as Chitter Radio) would assume full financial sponsorship of the Awards.

“We are delighted to announce that Chitter Radio will be the exclusive sponsor of the 2012 Park Annual Literary Awards. We look forward to forging a strong connection with the Awards and see this as a great opportunity to promote literacy both inside and outside The Park,” she said.

The Awards had previously been supported by The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, but budgetary constraints forced it to renege on its promise of funding for the 2012 season.

At the press conference, Ketri emphasized that Chitter Radio considers its association with PALA to be both a “privilege and a responsibility” and stated that Chitter Radio is “unequivocally committed”  to maintaining the high standards and integrity with which PALA is associated.

The Park Annual Literary Awards take place 15 June.

OTD in 2017—PMoCA’s “ARCHONOGRAPHY” installation opens to record crowds

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pmoca-1The Park Museum of Contemporary Art’s first exhibition in honour of zoocracy’s thirty-fifth anniversary opened to record crowds yesterday.

According to PMoCA officials, “ARCHONOGRAPHY” broke attendance records dating back to the opening of the museum, itself.

“We were stunned,” said Aulikki Norsu, president of the museum’s board of directors, in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this afternoon.

“We were there until the wee hours of the morning getting everything ready, and when we left to go home, we saw the lineup to get in had already started.”

That was at three in the morning. By the time Norsu returned to open the installation, the line wound five times around the building. It has stayed that long ever since.

The art installation, which the museum describes as “ultra-live,” honours those who’ve served as Archons over the past thirty-five years. Every day until March 31, Park artists will be on-site twelve hours a day to paint portraits of museum-goers’ chosen Archons. All the portraits painted during the installation will hang in the museum until the end of this year.

Head curator Aamuun Maroodiga chose renowned autochthonous artist Hervé Huard, slow artist Fionn-Fionnoula T. Snail, merging artist Hugh Danlami Biri, and Clementina Araña to open the installation. At the time of publication, the group had completed sixteen portraits of past Archons.

The Park Museum of Contemporary Art’s “ARCHONOGRAPHY” runs from January 20-March 31, 2017. Admission to the event is free. 

OTD in 2013—Varrian calendar to reside permanently in Park Museum

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The last printed copy of the Varrian Calendar will find a permanent home at the Park Museum.

The museum’s Board of Governors announced the acquisition in a statement released on January 18. According to the statement, The Park’s first calendar will become the centrepiece of a permanent exhibit that is tentatively entitled, “Eventualities and Artifacts.”

“The exhibit will trace the beginnings of zoocracy in The Park through an exhibition of artifacts, that is, concrete representations of the change from a more natural order to an artificially organized one. The Varrian Calendar will represent Park Animals’ attempts to delineate time and, eventually, to harness it,” the statement said.

The Varrian Calendar, which was based on the solar year, was The Park’s official calendar from the establishment of zoocracy until 28 AZ (2010). That year, the 35 Archons made the decision to harmonize the calendar with that of the world outside The Park. In 2011 (29 AZ), citizens in The Park began to use the Human Gregorian Calendar (HGC), but full calendar harmonization did not take effect until December 31, 2012.

OTD in 2015—”It’s about the message,” say protesters as standoff continues at TMD offices

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Park Police Riot SquadAs the standoff between protesters and Mammalian Daily editors enters its third day, the reasons for this historic protest are becoming clear.

“Primarily, it’s about the message you’re sending, particularly with that photograph of Gunnar]Rotte],” says Dedrick Knaagdier, Media Relations Representative for The Park’s aid group, Rodents at Risk.

Knaagdier has been in attendance at the protest since the beginning, though he wasn’t among those who started it.

“They weren’t even Gunnar’s friends, but they saw the injustice and the way the paper was manipulating the message and they couldn’t take it anymore,” he says.

“Gunnar made a legitimate complaint but it was overshadowed by that photograph.”

The photograph in question shows Rotte holding two pies that he says he purchased at a bakery outside The Park. His complaint was that he had been assaulted at the bakery while trying to buy the pies.

“The way the photograph was taken, it makes it look as if he’s a thief,” says Knaagdier.

“He looks as if he’s smiling … as if he got away with something, rather than he did his duty [by paying] but was treated terribly. The photograph just plays into the stereotyping of Rodents … something they experience on a daily basis.”

Despite attempts by all major Park media to contact Mammalian Daily managing editor Orphea Haas, no official statement has been made, nor has the name of the photographer been revealed.

“They’ve said nothing, not even ‘We stand by our story,'” says Knaagdier.

OTD in 2013—Focus on: Sortition

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January is the most important month in the political life of The Park. It is the month during which, every year, 35 Animals are selected and sworn in to serve as The Park’s leaders, or Archons. Together, these Archons will establish policies that will affect the lives of all who live in The Park.

Today, we focus on sortition, the process by which The Park’s Archons are selected.

ORIGIN
The Park’s 35 Archons are selected each year by a process known as sortition or the lottery or allotment method. This was the system put into place by Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy.

Sortition has its origins in some of the oldest Human societies. After completing an exhaustive study of ancient Human political systems, Jor concluded that the basic tenets of zoocracy would best be maintained through the use of sortition rather than by direct elections. With the assistance of a panel of consultants, Jor made modifications to some of the original rules of sortition and crafted the system that has been in continuous use since the establishment of zoocracy.

METHODOLOGY
The first step in the selection of Archons requires the cooperation of The Park’s citizens. By the end of November each year, all adult Park citizens are required to submit and confirm their names. Traditionally, all Animal names have included some reference to species. Third, fourth, and later generations may choose to drop this reference from their names, but some indication of species is required when Animals make their submission to stand as candidates for Archon to the Department of Political Administration (DPA). Illness constitutes the only exception to this rule. Animals who are ill and who believe they would be unable to fulfil their duties as Archon due to their illness are required to advise the DPA of their circumstances by submitting a Form 12.

On January 5 every year, these submitted names are divided into six groups, according to six Animal classes. These classes are: Amphibians, Birds, Fishes, Invertebrates, Mammals, and Reptiles. The names are then inscribed on cards and placed in one of six opaque boxes, according to Animal class. Each of the six boxes is shaken three times by three different members of the Department of Political Administration.

FINAL SELECTION
The final selection of Archons is made by seven Department of Political Administration staff members. The staff members must have been in the employ of the department for at least five years and have no record of criminal activity. The chosen staff members are required to swear an oath of “honest and impartial fulfillment of the task” and to sign a declaration of the same in front of two witnesses. Six of the staff members are blindfolded and asked to reach into each opaque box and to pull out one card from the box. This is done a total of five times to ensure that there are 30 Archons chosen and that each of the six Animal classes is represented by five Archons.

WILD CARD SPOTS
The cards that remain are placed together in one box and shaken three times more. The seventh staff member, blindfolded, chooses five more cards. These are the five “wild card spots” that fulfill the number of Archons required. There is no restriction on Animal class or species for these spots.

SELECTION OF CHIEF ARCHON
When the final selection of Archons has been made, the remaining cards bearing candidates’ names are destroyed. The cards with the names of the 35 new Archons are placed in one opaque box, which is, again, shaken three times. The name of the Chief Archon is selected from these cards by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

CERTIFICATION OF CHOICE
The choices of the 35 Archons, including that of the Chief Archon, is certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

ANNOUNCEMENT OF ARCHONS
In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons is posted at the Law Courts on the morning of January 15 each year, ten days after the final selection has been made. In order for Park citizens and residents to review the names, the list remains posted until the end of the week. Any Park citizens who wish to contest the selection of any Archon or Archons may do so by submitting a formal contest form (Form 15C) to the Department of Political Administration. The deadline for Form 15C submissions is January 31.

OTD in 2012—Newt becomes Chief Archon

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newtFor the first time in Park history, a semi-aquatic Animal was sworn in as Chief Archon of The Park’s 2012 government.

In a moving ceremony held this morning at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre, George Irving Nathan Gallagher Newt took the oath of office as Chief Archon in front of a crowd of thousands.

“This is a historic day,” said Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, who presided over the event and administered the oath of office to all 35 Animals who will serve as Archons this year. “We should all be proud to be Park citizens.”

While thousands of Animals braved the bitter cold to attend the ceremony at the Theatre, an estimated 700,000 others watched the political process play out from the comfort of their own dwellings. The Park Broadcasting Corporation (PBC), which holds exclusive rights to the swearing-in ceremony, dedicated its entire morning programming schedule to the event.

“We believe strongly in the Zoocratic process and we are proud and honoured to have a part in it,” said a statement released yesterday by PBC Executives.

Among those in attendance at the event were representatives of all The Park’s Citizen Aid and Action Associations, including proxy representatives of The Park’s many hibernating communities.

OTD in 2014—DWBS issues “Watch Your Whiskers” alert for tomorrow

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Watch your Whiskers

The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has issued a “Watch Your Whiskers” alert for tomorrow’s swearing-in ceremony at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.

“The Department of Well-Being and Safety wishes to remind Park Animals that whiskers are particularly vulnerable to damage at this time of year. Those Animals who are planning to attend tomorrow’s swearing-in ceremony of the Archons at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre would be well-advised to take precautions against such damage, due to the forecasted cold temperatures and the projected large numbers of attendees,” the alert states.

This is the second such alert the DWBS has issued this Winter. The first occurred in late December, when The Park experienced record low temperatures.

OTD in 2009—Cesar Emilio Gander

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Suddenly and tragically on the afternoon of 15 January 2009, as a result of a collision with a passenger aircraft. Cesar Emilio Gander, third generation Park citizen, loyal and loving mate, father, son, brother, uncle, cousin, and friend. The son of Consuela and Arnaldo Goose, Cesar Emilio was born, bred, and educated in The Park. While a student at the University of West Terrier, he founded GooseBook and, after graduation, he opened GanderMatch.com and CyBird Dating Services, two of the most successful mating services in The Park.

An enthusiastic entrepreneur, Cesar was an ardent supporter of cross-border trade and a vocal advocate of interspecial harmony. Described as a “passionately patriotic Park citizen,” Cesar strongly believed that Park talent should be fostered and encouraged to remain in The Park and, to that end, he founded The Park’s first Avian mentoring programme, BirdBrains.

A true “Gander’s Gander,” Cesar leaves a flock of mourners, including his parents, his mate, Belinda Goose, goslings Sarah, George, Millie, Charles, Anthony, Gwendolyn, Henry, Antoinette, Marguerite, and Phoebe, his sisters Carmelita and 2009 Archon Jacinta Goose, his brothers Manuel and Romero, and his many nieces, nephews, cousins, and friends.

Donations in his memory may be made to BirdBrains, to the Trauma Centre at the University of West Terrier Medical College, or to Goose & Gander Search and Rescue Association of The Park (GGSRAP).

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