The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

On This Day—August 18, 2015: Budget preview: “The budget is a very hard needle to thread.”

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2016 Budget

Today is Budget Day in The Park

Will she or won’t she? And, will she or won’t she what?

Those are just a couple of the questions on the minds of all engaged Park citizens, as we await the presentation of the Park Expense Projections for 2016 (The Park Finance Office’s formal name for the budget).

PFO head Valentina Abeja will present the budget to the Archons at four o’clock this afternoon and she has scheduled a press conference immediately following the presentation.

This will be Abeja’s first budget and many financial, social, and health experts have weighed in on what they believe should be included in the budget. The Mammalian Daily recently spoke to some of them about their hopes now that budget day is here. Below are their responses (Please note: responses have been edited due to space limitations):

Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations, Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations: “I’m hoping for at least the same level of support that we’ve had in the past. Our celebrations are a fundamental part of Park life.”

Wellington Whistlepig, president, Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS): “It may be too much to hope for, but we could use some official support, even one percent of the budget. We’ve been supporting The Park through tough times for years and an acknowledgement of that fact would go a long way.”

Kalliope Sun Bear, president, Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP): “We made a number of presentations to the new PFO head and we felt she was receptive to what we were saying. I have every confidence that she will abide by some of our suggestions—in particular, that the Weather Office purchase weather produced by Park manufacturers.”

A.P. Civet, president, Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF): “We’ve found the new PFO head to be quite thoughtful and willing to listen. I believe she understands our situation better than those who’ve held her job previously. Food production is fundamental to our life here. We are quite optimistic about the new budget.”

Hermione Hippo, head nurse, Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, assistant professor, UWT School of Medicine: “For the last while, ‘health’ has been subsumed under the category of  ‘residents’ requirements’ and, as a result, I don’t believe it has been properly supported. Health issues—physical, mental and emotional—are a big part of our lives here and require not only treatment and support, but research funding. I hope the new PFO head understands that.”

Inez Gallina, president of the refugee aid group Home to Roost: “Apart from our autochthonous citizens, The Park’s population has historically been made up of immigrants and refugees. With our open immigration policy, the funding requirements grow every year. I hope Valentina Abeja fully understands that fact and respects the work of all of us in immigrant and refugee aid. I realize that funds are limited, but we cannot in all conscience or practicality invite Animals to make The Park their home if we offer them no assistance.”

Gareth Shepherd, president, Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW): “Security has become more of an issue the past few years and while we have always supplemented a paid force with volunteers such as the Doves—and now Does— of Peace, we still require more of the budget than we have been receiving. I hope the new PFO head values peace and security as much as other Park citizens do.”

Magnus P. Marmoset, holder of the Simian Chair in Political Philosophy at the University of West Terrier: “The  budget is a very hard needle to thread. Agreement on the allocation of funds can never be one hundred per cent. We all have different hopes and dreams and priorities. My own hope is that PFO head Valentina Abeja will learn from the past, but look to the future.”

On This Day—August 17, 2014: Survivor Profiles: You don’t know Tab (part three of three)

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Tab Tricolore: "You have to offer an extraordinary culinary experience or else Animals will not dine at your restaurant."

Tab Tricolore, Chef and Restaurateur

Part three of a three-part series.
Click here to read part one.
Click here to read part two.

“Evolution” is a dirty word in the Animal world, but The Park’s most successful restaurateur is not afraid to use it. As he prepares to open his fifth restaurant, he muses about the attitudinal changes he has witnessed and the rôle that chefs have played in those changes.

Tab Tricolore (pronounced “tree-caw-lore-ay”), famous “bad boy chef” and The Park’s most successful restaurateur, has dust up his nose, but he doesn’t seem to mind. Having refused the offer of a mask and a tour guide, he walks stealthily through the unfinished space that will soon be home to his newest venture. Eating was a very private activity before. Now, it’s become not only a public one, but a social one, as well. We go outside of our own dwellings to engage in it. We eat in front of others. And, not just in front of them, but with them. That difference in habitude is huge.

“This one is special,” he whispers, surrendering his signature monotone to the emotion of the moment.

The PurrrBoy Café at the Park Museum, which will commence service a few weeks before the museum officially opens, has been designed by Tricolore’s favourite firm, Tagma Designs. Though their work isn’t yet evident, Tricolore is confident they will stay true to his vision.

“They know me and they know my tastes, even as they evolve,” he says.

Tricolore talks often about seeing himself as the prime educator of Park Animals’ palates. Indeed, in his recently completed book, “The Evolution of Taste” (to be published in 2015), he admits to giving himself a huge dollop of credit for the success of the restaurant business in The Park.

But his interest these days lies less in palates than it does in what he calls the “evolution of habitude.”

What Tricolore is talking about is the way in which Park Animals now schedule their lives and the new way in which they view not just food, but eating. 

“For thousands of years, it was basically the same: find food, eat, sleep, mate, find food, eat, sleep, die. It sounds bad, but that was the way we lived. Most species of Animals didn’t forage together, let alone eat together. We take it for granted now, but eating was a very private activity before. Now, it’s become not only a public one, but a social one, as well. We go outside of our own dwellings to engage in it. We eat in front of others. And, not just in front of them, but with them. That difference in habitude is huge,” he declares.

And that difference has made all the difference to The Park’s restaurateurs. But it has presented challenges, too.

“It’s a cliché but it’s true: chefs are creative types. And we like to see our creativity appreciated. But we’ve had to push for acceptance in The Park. We’ve had to push Animals to try not only our food, but our ideas about eating. That evolution of habitude that we see evidence of now…that is the result of our efforts and we’re still at it. We’re still having to map it out for our customers,” he says.

Map it out?

Tricolore answers with a mocking tone. “Yes, you can eat even if you’re not hungry. Yes, you can eat more than once a day. Yes, you can eat something you haven’t found yourself. And you may even like it.”

Despite his tone, the Chef says he’s sympathetic to what he calls “the novice diner.”

“It’s a whole new world and, depending on your experiences and your species, you may not want to participate. I understand that. But it’s my job and my colleagues’ job to convince you that it’s a positive thing. And if I can’t do that … if I don’t do that … if you don’t enjoy my restaurant and my food and I mean both, then I’ve failed and I deserve to have failed,” he says.

But isn’t that a bit harsh?

“Not in the least,” Tricolore argues. “Because I’ve let you down. I know how wonderful the experience can be and I haven’t been able to show that to you. And, for a chef, that’s the worst failure of all.”

The PurrrBoy Café is scheduled to open later this year.

On This Day—August 16, 2012: UWT, Park Hospital to open first Extinction Anxiety Clinic

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In a statement released yesterday, the University of West Terrier School of Medicine announced that it will collaborate with The Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm to establish The Park’s first Extinction Anxiety Clinic.

The clinic, which will be housed within the University of West Terrier, is the first of its kind in The Park. The Clinic’s mission is to diagnose and treat the symptoms of extinction anxiety in all species of Animals and to educate the public with regard to the effects of extinction anxiety on the health and well-being of Animals.

“Extinction anxiety is one of the fastest-growing psychological conditions in The Park. Every day, we see at least a hundred new cases,” says Dr. Berthilidis Strix, who was appointed as the clinic’s head last month. “It is essential that we address the problem now, before it becomes a threat to our collective health and prosperity,” she says.

The clinic will also be staffed by Drs. Gudrun L. Gibbon and Elinore E. Owl and other faculty members of the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, as well as doctors, nurses, and community support workers from The Park Hospital.

In addition to diagnosing and treating Animals, clinic staff hope to conduct research on the effects of extinction anxiety on The Park’s economy, as well as on Animal behaviour.

The Extinction Anxiety Clinic is scheduled to open in January 2013.

On This Day—August 15, 2016: “I smell a Rat,” Stinktier cries, as Rotte jailed after Stereotype Sunday stunt

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GunnarGunnar Rotte was hauled off to jail yesterday afternoon, after what he calls a “social experiment gone awry.”

According to a spokesAnimal for Park Police, The Rodent Commoner journalist was arrested for disturbing the peace and jailed for inciting violence at The Park’s weekly Stereotype Sunday.

The charges stem from Rotte’s actions yesterday, when he arrived at the weekly event disguised as a Skunk, claiming he was visiting family. Rotte contends he was trying to prove that Skunks receive more hospitality in The Park than Rats.

What he failed to anticipate, however, was that his “experiment” would offend Park Skunks.

It didn’t take long for him to find out, though. After about half an hour of walking around the Ancient Open-Air Theatre, tasting snacks and questioning other attendees, Faramund Stinktier, of the SCENTient Beings, outed him, declaring for all to hear, “I smell a Rat!”

The singer and composer, who was born a Skunk but now identifies as a Zebra, spoke to The Mammalian Daily by telephone this morning. He says he was incensed by the idea that a Rat would pose as a Skunk for the purpose of claiming that Skunks’ lives are easier than those of Rats.

“I may not feel in my heart as though I’m a Skunk, but I have experienced my entire life as a Skunk and I know it isn’t easy. We are are shunned by many, including Humans, and we suffer the same trauma as any other Animal in that position. I take offence to what Gunnar Rotte did and I believe he should apologize to the entire Skunk population of The Park,” he said.

Rotte will appear before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon this afternoon. He will be represented by Pernilla Varghund, junior partner in The Park’s oldest law firm, Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd.

On This Day—August 15, 2012: Feral Four donate song to help formerly domestic Cats

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One of The Park’s most controversial musical groups, The Feral Four, has announced that it will donate the proceeds from its new song to the CatsCare Foundation, in aid of formerly domestic Cats who have found their way to freedom in The Park.

The song, which will be released as a digital download in the late Autumn, is titled, “I Saw Your Collar in the Hall”. No other information has been released, either by the group’s manager or by its record company, Colony Records.

The group, who is set to release a new collection of songs next year, is also working with The Canary Cousins, Eggie and The Pigs, The Beasts of Burden, Les Chiens Débraillés, Scentient Beings, The DomEstyx, The Endeka Elephant Band, NIML, and rapper Will.o.be. on The Park’s first interspecial song.

On This Day—August 14, 2016: A peek at Holstein Fashion’s “Creations from the EDAM Collection”

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The Park Museum’s exhibition, Creations from the EDAM Collection, enters its third week tomorrow. The wildly popular exhibition of one hundred and seventy-five items of clothing that were created exclusively for June’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM) has attracted a record number of visitors to the museum and has thus far surpassed all expectations in terms of support for Holstein Fashion’s charity, EQUALSS.

As a gesture of goodwill toward those unable to attend the exhibition, the museum has allowed The Mammalian Daily to display a small number of the creations on its web site. The slideshow appears below.

We wish to thank the museum for its generosity.

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On This Day—August 13, 2016: Weekend shocker: Gossip site says Rapper’s father is also his brother

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Rapper Will.o.be.

Rapper Will.o.be.

The gossip site headsNtales says it has evidence that Rapper Will.o.be.’s father is also his brother.

In a post dated today, the site’s owners claim to be in possession of documents that prove it to be “an irrefutable fact” that the popular Park musician is the product of his mother’s liaison with her son, Philippe Sauvage.

Sauvage, who is the lead singer in the Feline band, The Feral Four, cut off contact with his brother three years ago, after the rapper was convicted of defacing a Tree at the Beats of Burden Music Festival.

The gossip site claims that Will.o.be, whose original name was Sebastian, was one of six kittens born to his mother, Kiki, and Philippe Sauvage. The kittens were not all born at the same time, the site says, but all share the same two parents.

Will.o.be. is currently on tour, but his legal representative, Sebastian Shepherd, a partner in the prestigious Park law firm of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd, released a statement on his behalf this morning, calling the claim “a ridiculous fabrication aimed at hurting Will.o.be. and his career.”

“Will.o.be. knows who his father is and it definitely is not his brother, Philippe Sauvage,” the statement said.

On This Day—August 11, 2014: The more things change, the more Humans stay the same: Noreen

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Noreen

The more things change, the more Humans stay the same.

So concludes Noreen in her second academic article due to be published in the November issue of the prestigious Journal of Human Behaviour (JHB).

In the article, which is entitled, How Dubious Wisdom Leads to Human Folly, the Adjunct Professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier and Mammalian Daily advice columnist shares new insights into “what makes the Human world go around.”

“Around is the key word here, my research showed me,” says Noreen.

“After spending the better part of two years studying Human history, I had to conclude that their [Humans’] tendency to end up where they started is the fault of their inability to learn from their predecessors. They cannot seem to incorporate lessons from previous generations,” she says.

“They are a tenacious species and there is much to be admired in that. But they appear to be true catalysts. They change the world, but they remain unchanged. And, as we have seen, that can lead to long-term problems for all species.”

Noreen said she found the research very difficult to do, “because there were so many places along the way that cried out for a change of course, but that change of course was never taken.”

lovely-to-look-at-front-coverBuy Noreen’s book, Lovely to Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans here.

On This Day—August 10, 2012: New photographs of Jor surface on gossip web site

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Previously unpublished photographs of Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy, have surfaced on the gossip web site, headsNtales.

The pictures, which show Jor in some compromising positions, were posted on the site early this afternoon, according to PotWatcher, The Park’s foremost web-watching organization.

PotWatcher says the pictures appeared “without warning and without any mention of their provenance” on the headsNtales site.

“They were just…suddenly there,” said Rufus Gordon Gaupe, President and CEO of PotWatcher.

Posting the pictures is not technically illegal, though it is, in the words of a spokesAnimal for Park Police, “in poor taste”.

Many of the pictures were taken when George Livingstone Barnaby Cuthbert, known to Park citizens as “Jor”, was living as a domestic Cat.

“There are pictures of him with Humans, pictures of him playing with small toys and sleeping and eating with what appears to be another domestic Feline,” Gaupe says.

Political analysts have been quick to weigh in on who might be responsible for the posting.

“I think we can safely say that anti-zoocratic forces are at work here,” said Ronald Grouse, chief political analyst at The Avian Messenger. “It’s obvious this is meant to be a blow to Jor’s reputation…a way to discredit him and what he stood for, which is the concept of Animal self-rule.”

Despite requests for clarification from a number of Park newspapers, including The Mammalian Daily, headsNtales has refused to comment on the posting.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

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