The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

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OTD in 2015—Fowl Ball organizers on second annual event: “We are all systems go!”

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Fowl Ball

This year’s Fowl Ball will be bigger and better than the first, organizers promise

The bands have been booked, the food’s been arranged, and the items that will appear on the auction block are awe-inspiring.

“We are all systems go!” says Rafael Ortega, the event’s chief organizer.

With a year’s experience under his beak and already having dealt with a difficult situation (last year’s grooming house stampede), Ortega says he’s ready for anything but “expecting nothing out of the ordinary” this year.

“This year will make last year look like it was a rehearsal,” he says, as he struts around his office.

Claiming that he has “assurances” from The Park’s grooming houses that they’re prepared for the onslaught of pre-Ball customers, he says he can relax for a week or two before gearing up again in May.

“There is no chance that we will see a repeat of last year’s tragedy,” he states firmly. “We had no idea how successful the event would be in its inaugural year, nor how hungry Park Animals were for a more formal post-Winter celebration.”

Indeed, he believes, this year’s attendance should be even higher, given the difficult Winter The Park experienced this year.

“We’re looking forward to higher numbers, more fun, and even more funding for the cause of Avian aid,” he says.

The Park’s second annual Fowl Ball will take place on Sunday, May 31, 2015. Tickets go on sale April 15 and will be available at all Park retailers, as well as at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. 

OTD in 2017—PASS: we’ll defy any law that stops us from doing business with Humans

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penguin waiterThe Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) sent a strong message to the Archons today: no law will stop its members from doing business with Humans.

At a press conference this morning, PASS President Wellington Whistlepig said his membership voted unanimously on Monday to defy any legislation brought forth by the Archons that would restrict Park Animals’ right to trade with Humans.

“Let’s be clear,” Whistlepig said. “There is no wiggle room here. Our membership cannot afford to pick and choose its customers. This is not about liking Humans or having any personal relationships with them. This is about the livelihood of our members.”

Asked why PASS members voted on an issue that is little more than a rumour at this point, Whistlepig was forthright.

“We felt we needed to get ahead of this, to let the Archons know where we stand on this issue and how we feel about the direction in which they seem to be heading. This is about our members’ very survival and, we believe, about the economic independence of The Park.”

OTD in 2016—Mammalian Daily becomes first Park newspaper to ban Human jokes

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BanDEVELOPING STORY

“A guy walks into a bar on two feet…”

So begins the most popular twenty-minute set at The Howler, The Park’s only comedy club.

The joke was written and is performed weekly by Dalmanik, who is widely considered to be the king of The Park’s “new comedy.” But as of today, Dalmanik will not be able to make that joke on the pages of The Mammalian Daily.

That’s because so-called “Human jokes” have now been officially banned by the newspaper.

In an “urgent memo” sent to all employees of The Mammalian Daily on Friday, managing editor Orphea Haas declared that poking fun at Humans, “our fellow Mammals,” is not appropriate in a modern Park.

“While it would be foolish of me to suggest that we in The Park have no issues with Humans, it would be equally foolish to suggest that making fun of them, denigrating and disparaging them, either in comedy, poetry, prose, or news coverage, is appropriate,” the memo says.

As a result, Haas has banned all of the above from The Mammalian Daily’s news pages, web site, radio, podcasts, and all other enterprises connected to Mammalian Daily Associated News Services.

This is the first time any kind of ban on joking or comedy has occurred in any Park media, according to Noburu Akita, Executive Director of the Centre for the Study of Newspaper Activity in The Park (C-SNAP).

“I don’t believe we’ve seen anything like it since the establishment of zoocracy,” he said in a radio interview this morning. “I thought zoocracy valued a free and open press. I think Haas is moving in a very dangerous direction by closing the paper rather than opening it up. What with refusing to name her journalists and this, she is taking a few steps backward and that is very disturbing.”

Not all media experts agree with Akita, though. Ludwiga Saimiri, UWT Professor of Journalism and former director of the Centre for the Incorporation and Integration of Interspecial Values in Journalism (CIIIVJ), issued a statement this morning in which she said she thought this was a positive move on Haas’s part.

“I support Orphea Haas in her determination to keep the news free of frivolous commentary and damaging and reprehensible jokes. Interspecial values demand that we attempt to understand and accommodate those who are different from ourselves. We have a duty to treat every Animal with respect,” the statement said.

OTD in 2015—Holstein Fashion lends its support to The Park’s striped and spotted citizens

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Holstein Fashion

Holstein Fashion: new EQUALSS charity supports striped and spotted Animals

Holstein Fashion, the parent company of Designs by Holstein, is lending its name and support to The Park’s striped and spotted Animals, it was announced today.

In a post on the company’s web site, Balbina Ko, the President and CEO of Holstein Fashion, explained the company’s bold move:

“Our company ‘Designs by Holstein’ owes a great deal of its success to our striped and spotted customers, whom we love and respect. For that reason, among many more, we feel we cannot in all conscience profit from our spots while ignoring the plight of others with spots and stripes.

To that end, we have established the charity we call EQUALSS. The goal of our charity is to support the full equality of striped and spotted Animals (as well as others) in The Park. We sincerely hope all Park Animals will join us in this endeavour.”

In an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning, Ko explained the driving force behind the company’s decision.

“As a company, we’ve always supported the equality of all species in The Park. After all, that’s the foundation of zoocracy. But recent events and the establishment of that horrid web site [SplotchWatch] made us realize that we could be far more vocal about our support than we have been. So, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to play a leading rôle in the business community and we hope others will join us,” she said.

Ko said the company’s first move will be the production of a line of striped and spotted coats, socks, and boots.

“The design has been finalized and we expect to be able to begin production this month,” she said.

Proceeds from the sale of these items will go to a special EQUALSS fund that will aid the striped and spotted in finding employment, as well as in fighting the discrimination that has been well-documented over the past few years.

“Footpad Heaven has already signed on to stock this new line and we are currently negotiating with a number of other Park shops to do the same,” Ko confirmed.

“We also have a commitment from Appaloosa Legal Services and we are trying to bring the Extinction Anxiety Clinic staff on board as well,” the CEO said.

In addition to the outerwear initiative, Ko said her company plans to become “actively involved” in The Park’s Stereotype Sundays, perhaps producing what she calls a “learning tool” for the weekly occasion.

“We are looking very seriously at that,” she said. “If Animals volunteered to spend a day in the coat of a striped or spotted Animal, perhaps they’d think a bit differently about the issue afterwards.”

OTD in 2017—BREAKING: Archons to outlaw Humans’ use of Park Animals as transport

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horse-drawn-carriageBREAKING NEWS
In a surprise announcement at a press briefing this afternoon, the Archons’ spokesAnimal, Balthasar Alouatta, said the Archons plan to enact legislation that will outlaw the use of our citizens and residents as transport for Humans both within and outside Park boundaries. He said the law will come into effect in early April.

Calling the new law “the first in a suite of laws that will codify the relationship between Park Animals and Humans,” Alouatta confirmed the Archons’ desire to “delineate formally the boundaries of the rights, abilities, and obligations of Humans as regards The Park’s population.”

“The Archons feel that the fluid relationship between Humans and Park Animals that has existed for decades must come to an end. Now that we have a mature zoocracy, they feel it is time to formally codify that relationship,” he said.

Although Alouatta did not take questions at the briefing, he did acknowledge the “many considerations” and difficulties that some Park Animals would experience as a result of the new legislation.

“It is not the intention of the Archons to make life difficult for Park Animals,” Alouatta said. “Rather, it is their intention to ensure that Park Animals will be treated with fairness and respect by Humans, now and in the years to follow,” he said.

OTD in 2015—Park innovators to watch: TulipTracker

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TulipTrackerThird in a series

Goodbye, Tulip Map.
Hello, Tulip App!

Brought to you by GVC De-Techt, The Park’s youngest tech company, this new app promises to deliver all the information Animals will need to source those juicy, fresh Tulip bulbs every Spring and Fall.

“We’re able to give you a heads-up because we keep our nose to the ground,” said the company’s proud president and CEO, R.A. Vole, at the app’s launch earlier this month.

Vole emphasized the extensive research that was required to produce the app, which will be available for download later this Spring.

“Our company prides itself on research, as well as innovation,” said the Park native who worked for another detection company before launching his own brand.

“TulipTracker has been in the works for almost a decade and our extensive testing over the last few years shows that it will shave at least a week off most Animals’ Tulip-sourcing time. It will be a great asset to small Animals, particularly to small hibernators,”

While GVC De-Techt asserts that its products are aimed at the general Animal population, Consuela Tapir says she’s fairly certain the target market for TulipTracker is “those small hibernators Vole referenced at the launch.”

While Tapir, who runs the tech rumour web site, TikTekTok, has no problem with that idea, she thinks the company should be upfront about it.

“After all,” she says, “we only need to look at this new app’s advertising slogan to see what its target market is.”

And just what is that slogan?

“We peep while you sleep,” say the latest print ads.

See also:
FoodFinder™
Five Park innovators to watch

OTD in 2017—Archons hunt for new Finance Office head to defund tourism, trade: rumour

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3280_smiled_wolf_business_man_holding_cashPark Finance Office (PFO) head Valentina Abeja’s days may be numbered.

According to a post on the gossip site headsNtales, Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu is “not pleased” with some of the terms of Abeja’s past budgets.

In the post dated today, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo quotes a conversation she claims to have had with a Park Finance Office employee, who says that Abeja has been under pressure since January to produce a budget that will defund tourism and extra-hortulanial trade (trade with those living outside The Park).

According to Guacamayo’s source, Abeja has resisted, even though she herself reduced the funding for both in her last budget.

“Abeja does not believe in isolating The Park,” Guacamayo says the source told her. But her resistance may prove futile because, according to the source, Kuttu has begun a search for a new PFO head who will follow her orders.

If these rumours are true, this will be the first time in Park history that a Chief Archon has interfered with a budget prior to its release. It’s been customary for the PFO head to prepare a budget and then for the Archons en masse to approve it, to request changes, or to send it back.

According to Park historian and professor Beatrice Zilonis, this action, if true, is unprecedented. And dangerous.

“We have never seen so much direct contact with the PFO head prior to a budget,” she told The Mammalian Daily.

Zilonis says that while there has always been some tension between the PFO head and the Archons, the Archons have never given direct orders to the PFO.

“It’s unheard of,” she said. “Since it’s the Archons who’ve appointed the PFO head, they’ve usually been on the same page. The budget has always been tweaked, either because of the Archons’ desires or the citizens’, but never at this stage. If this is true, this constitutes overreach on the part of the Archons, in my opinion,” she said.

OTD in 2013—Founding Families, Petrounel pull ads from Toro Talk Radio

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The Founding Families Financial Corporation has pulled its advertisements from Toro Talk Radio in response to remarks made on February 12 by the station’s talk show host, Yannis Tavros.

In an announcement dated today, The Park’s oldest and largest bank said it “could not in good conscience support the radio station given the nature of the remarks made by one in its employ.”

As its name suggests, Founding Families Financial Corporation was established by a number of The Park’s original families. These include Groundhogs, Ground Squirrels, Arachnids, Hedgehogs, Beavers, Wasps, Polar Bears, Cattle and Bees, among others. Many of these families are members of The Park’s hibernating communities and some have suggested that this may have been a factor in the bank’s decision.

In an interview on Chitter Radio this morning, Rodolfo van de Gier, President of the Association of Media Outlets of The Park (AMOP) said he thought it was “far from a coincidence that the bank’s announcement came today, [since it is ] the official end of the hibernation period.”

“Not only do some members of its Board of Directors come from our hibernating communities, but a great number of its clients do, as well. They can’t be seen to be supporting a station that appears anti-hibernator,” he said.

He also believes this is the main reason that Provisions by Petrounel pulled its ads from Toro Talk Radio.

“They’re grocers and caterers and they serve all species, but it’s been estimated that a good 40 per cent or more of their business is post-hibernation. How could they afford not to pull their ads after Tavros insulted a pair of very well-known and well-loved hibernators?” he said.

As of this afternoon, Toro Talk Radio had not responded to the companies’ announcements.

OTD in 2015—Archons move on budget, appoint new head of Park Finance Office

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Bee 2012 A1Moving swiftly on the matter of preparing a budget for the current year, the 2015 Archons announced today that Valentina Abeja will assume the rôle of head of the Park Finance Office for at least the next two years.

At a press conference held this morning, the Archons’ press secretary Balthasar Alouatta confirmed the appointment, saying, “The 2015 Archons and the Park Finance Office are delighted that Valentina Abeja has agreed to take on the onerous task of preparing a suitable budget for The Park. We will welcome her officially on February 15th and we look forward to working with her.”

Abeja, Alouatta emphasized, arrives with impressive credentials.

“She has significant financial as well as Animal skills,” he said, “having she spent the past few years working as an analyst at The Park’s All Species Credit and Commercial Bank (ASCCB).”

Abeja will succeed Milton Struts, whose tenure lasted more than six years, but who was relieved of his duties this past November after a series of scandals related to his allegedly accepting food from Humans and using his position of influence to encourage Human tourism in The Park. Struts is currently the subject of an investigation headed by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon.

See also:

Reaction to 2015 “streamlined” budget: from outrage to high praise
Struts out; new budget to be tabled in November 

OTD in 2017—Barkettes locked in legal battle with grooming house over name, image

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halcyondaysThisbe and the Barkettes have engaged the services of legal expert Delwyn Terrier, founding partner of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd, to help them fight their legal battle against a Park grooming house that opened its doors in early November.

The grooming house, which calls itself Halcyon Days Canine Coiffure, opened with little fanfare on November 9, 2016. Shortly after, the Barkettes approached the owner, Zenaide Cadela, and requested that she stop using the image of their album, “Halcyon Days,” on her shop’s sign. Despite initially agreeing, Cadela never acted on the request.

According to papers filed by Terrier on Wednesday, the Barkettes are now asking the court for a cease and desist order to stop Cadela not only from using their album’s copyrighted image, but from playing the song “Halcyon Days” on radio and television advertisements for her grooming house.

Terrier will represent the Barkettes before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon on February 27.

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