Central Bank warns against short-term interest rate hikes
In a statement issued this morning, the Central Bank of The Park warned financial institutions against offering high, short-term interest rates to their estivating clients.
“It is not in the interest of The Park nor of the client [for banks] to adjust interest rates for terms that occur during the dormancy period,” the Bank said.
The practice of offering high, short-term interest rates to hibernating and estivating clients has been in place for at least a decade, according to the Association of Financial Institutions of The Park (AFIP).
In fact, according to a report written by the Consumer Protection Agency of The Park (CPAP) and presented to the Central Bank, local banking institutions count on the fat deposits these rates attract to boost their bottom line.
“There’s no doubt that, at this time of year, the estivating client is the preferred customer,” says CPAP head, Ursula M. Bjørn. “These clients are going nowhere for a substantial length of time and, consequently, neither is their money,” she explained.
These so-called “dormant” accounts that are offered by some of The Park’s banks come with an interest rate of up to fifteen percent above the base rate that is established every quarter-year by the Central Bank.
“This [interest] rate is substantially higher than the rate that non-hibernating and non-estivating Animals are offered on any of their accounts,” says Uzoma Serval, author of the book, BankWoe.
“But, there is a catch,” he says.
“When the dormancy period ends for these Animals, they find they are not at liberty to withdraw their funds as they wish. They signed away that right, sometimes without even knowing it. And, their interest rate quickly plummets ten percent or more,” Serval says.
This has led to a rise in consumer complaints. And, non-hibernating and non-estivating Animals also have begun to complain about the practice. They say it is evidence of prejudice against them and that they are being treated unequally and unfairly by The Park’s financial institutions. It is a view the BankWoe author says may be difficult to dispute.
“The instruments of darkness tell us truths,” he says.
CPAP to investigate Daffy Dill’s “natural product” claims
The Consumer Protection Agency of The Park (CPAP) confirmed today that it plans to investigate claims made by The Daffy Dill that its whisker bouquets are made exclusively of “natural” products.
At a press conference held this morning, CPAP head Ursula M. Bjørn said that, in launching its investigation, the Agency was answering to a number of concerns voiced by consumers over the past 12 months.
“Consumers have been questioning the veracity of [Daffy Dill’s] claims, particularly those made about its whisker bouquet products,” Bjørn said. “We determined that these queries warranted some further examination.”
The Agency’s decision to launch its probe may also be due, in part, to recurrent rumours that non-resident Animals have been detained illegally in The Park for the purpose of harvesting their whiskers. Bjørn would not comment on these rumours, but did not deny that such activity “would be a great concern, if it were found to be true.”
While Daffy Dill owners have remained silent about the investigation, Wellington Whistlepig, founder and current president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), issued a statement just hours ago. In it, he chastised CPAP for “doing the bidding of a few disgruntled customers” and said the complaints may well have been connected to recent price increases.
“Many shops in The Park have experienced customer anger lately, as a result of necessary price increases. That is a fact of life in business, but customer anger should not be grounds for a full investigation,” the statement read.
Eggie and The Pigs turn music’s business model upside-down
Eggie and The Pigs are poised to change the way the music business is done here in The Park.
According to a spokesAnimal for the group, the four musicians have decided to allow their listening public to determine the shape and content of their next song collection.
The group’s manager released the following statement this morning:
Instead of recording songs (either individually or as a collection), ETP will be making each of their new songs available as a free digital download for listeners to enjoy.
Each song will be available for one month, during which time listeners are invited to register and vote on whether or not they wish to have the song included in ETP’s next collection.
At the end of the year, after the votes have been tallied, ETP will post another online poll that will ask listeners the order in which they would like the chosen songs to appear on the new recording, the group’s manager said.
ETP’s fans appear to be ecstatic about this new arrangement. Posting on Gewper a few minutes after the statement was released, many fans called this a “musical revolution” and some hailed the decision as granting “power to the listener.”
“I’m all ears, bring it on,” one fan wrote, succinctly, and many agreed.
Music business executives, however, have been less enthusiastic. A spokesAnimal for Rotunda Records warned of the dangers of changing the decision-making dynamic so drastically.
“Once you go down that road, there’s no turning back,” he said in an interview on Toro Talk Radio. “I think they’re forgetting about the expertise that music business experts have. Fans are important; we can’t do without them, but they don’t necessarily know the best way to produce a good musical recording,” he said.
Striped Animals not getting fair share of economic pie: study
The latest economic figures released by The Park’s Finance Office indicate that Animals whose coats are striped or spotted have a tougher time securing full-time employment than those with coats of solid or mixed colours.
The 2011 statistics, known colloquially as the “Employment and Enjoyment Stats” were compiled for Finance Office use by The Park’s Departments of Statistics and Records, Well-Being and Safety, and Employment and Economic Opportunity. Their release today caused an uproar among Animals of every stripe.
“This paints a very bleak picture of Park life and attitudes” said Aiofe Badger, current President of Sisters and Brothers of the Narrow Band and a vocal advocate of equal rights in The Park. “This is not the kind of [economic] result that Jor would have been proud of.”
Keeva Moffatt, President of The Park’s Spotted Skunk Sedan Patrol, said the figures came as no surprise to her. “Some of our members have a terrible time finding work and they all know why, even though they can’t prove it,” she said.
Dominick Skiro, of The Park Alliance of Chipmunks, called the statistics “a crushing disappointment” and “something that challenges our belief in The Park’s system.”
At The Tabby Club, though, (the pub established by Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy), there was much frustration but little surprise among the clientele.
“I think Jor had the right idea…the right vision, being a Tabby, himself,” said Donal Ronnach. “But it’s obviously still just an ideal. It’s hard to overcome old prejudices.”
Prejudice against stripes and spots dates back thousands of years, says historian, Beatrice Zilonis, currently a professor in the Department of History at the University of West Terrier.
“Not surprisingly, it started with Humans and and the way they treated striped and spotted Animals,” she says. “They were suspicious of them, considered them evil and the bearers of bad luck. That kind of thinking eventually made its way into the minds of Animals and this is the result.”
But, at The Tabby Club, no one cares very much how it all began.
“The most important thing is that it should come to an end,” says Ronnach. “Right now.”
The Promise of The Park: success or failure? Tell us!
Economy forces Animals to work as “domestics” outside Park
A record number of unemployed Animals have left The Park to take jobs as domestic companions to Humans
The sluggish economy is taking its toll on the professional and personal lives of Park citizens.
“The situation is dire,” says Dr. Anneliese Cissa, head of the Livingstone School of Economics and Social Science at the University of West Terrier and author of a new report on the economy entitled, “Seeking Greener Pastures: The Exodus of the Unwilling and Able.”
The report, which analyzed economic and employment data gathered by The Park’s Department of Statistics and Records, paints a gloomy picture of the future unless immediate action is taken.
According to the report, recent statistics show that a record number of Animals have had to leave their homes and families in the past year to seek work outside The Park.
“The Park is simply not generating a sufficient number of jobs for its population,” says Dr. Cissa. “As a consequence, we are losing our best and brightest…the skilled and the most diligent. And Humans are the ones who are benefitting.”
Indeed, figures cited in the report indicate that, out of financial necessity, a great many Animals have been forced to take jobs as “domestic companions” to Humans outside The Park.
“This is tragic on so many levels,” says Cissa. “These are Animals who were trained and educated at institutions in The Park, Animals who were promised a better life than their ancestors had. These are Animals who believed in the Promise of The Park, and who believed that Animals would never have to serve Humans again. They’ve been betrayed by the economy and they are starting to question their commitment to The Park, itself. It is a very challenging situation.”
Dr. Cissa’s report is scheduled to be presented to the Archons’ full assembly on Tuesday.
Park’s grooming houses to fund new School of Aesthetics
The Park’s leading grooming houses will fund the establishment of a school dedicated to the teaching of multi-special aesthetics and hygiene
The Park’s grooming houses announced today that they are banding together to fund an independent school dedicated to the teaching of aesthetics. The school, which is as yet unnamed, will be the first of its kind in The Park and will offer a certificate to those who complete its two-year programme.
The announcement was made this afternoon, when representatives of The Park’s five leading grooming houses gathered at The Pluming Room to outline their vision of a school that teaches multi-special grooming techniques, skin and hair care, and hygiene, “as well as the beautification techniques that have become so popular lately, such as Featherrection™.”
“There is a gap in The Park’s educational system, and we are looking to fill it,” said Elspeth Rinder, who holds a specialist certificate in Bovine Lumpy Skin Disease and practises at Amoltrud’s Aesthetics on a part-time basis.
The grooming houses, which together employ more than 300 practitioners of aesthetics and their assistants, say they have had trouble finding qualified staff and not one of their current employees trained at a school inside The Park.
“This is nothing short of embarrassing,” said Amoltrud Poedel, owner of Amoltrud’s Aesthetics, The Park’s oldest grooming house.
“I think that, as a Park, we are mature enough now to educate our own groomers.”
Tallulah of Tallulah’s Toilettage said that funding for the school will come “directly from our collective revenue” and that, initially, the school will be staffed by the grooming houses.
“In the beginning, all the instructors will be in active practice at our establishments. They will not receive any pay for their duties at the school, but their hours of work at the grooming houses will be reduced to accommodate their new responsibilities,” she said.
In addition, the school will invite guest instructors from outside The Park to teach classes and give demonstrations.
“Breadth of experience and technique is extremely important and we aim to provide a well-rounded education in the aesthetic arts,” Tallulah said.
Although a location for the school has yet to be determined, the founders are confident they will be ready to welcome their first class of students in the Autumn of 2013.
GooseBook opens to all species
In a move that has has caught many in the tech and media sectors by surprise, The Park’s most successful social media site, GooseBook, has unveiled its ambitious plans for expansion.
In a statement released today, the company confirmed its plans to open site membership to all species in The Park.
“The popularity and success of GooseBook has proven that it has great potential for growth across the broad spectrum of species that inhabit The Park,” said GooseBook’s President and C.E.O., Lester C. Gander.
In addition, GooseBook’s executives confirmed that they plan to roll out a pair of related social media sites, most likely in the second quarter of the year. The company has not released any information about the new sites other than their names: “Cackle” and “Peck.”
According to insiders, one of the sites will be a “communication” site and the other may be an internet search engine.
GooseBook was the brainchild of the late Cesar Emilio Gander, who founded the site while a student at the University of West Terrier. After his untimely death, the site experienced a surge in membership. That surge continued until last summer, when rival site Gewper opened its virtual doors. Since then, both sites have competed neck and neck for members, with GooseBook maintaining a slight lead over the more innovative Gewper.
Chitter Radio rescues literary awards
Chitter Radio, one of The Park’s most popular talk radio stations, has brought The Park Annual Literary Awards (PALA) back from the brink.
At a press conference this morning, Chitter President and C.E.O., Albana Ketri, confirmed that Radio 244883.7 (known as Chitter Radio) would assume full financial sponsorship of the Awards.
“We are delighted to announce that Chitter Radio will be the exclusive sponsor of the 2012 Park Annual Literary Awards. We look forward to forging a strong connection with the Awards and see this as a great opportunity to promote literacy both inside and outside The Park,” she said.
The Awards had previously been supported by The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, but budgetary constraints forced it to renege on its promise of funding for the 2012 season.
At the press conference, Ketri emphasized that Chitter Radio considers its association with PALA to be both a “privilege and a responsibility” and stated that Chitter Radio is “unequivocally committed” to maintaining the high standards and integrity with which PALA is associated.
The Park Annual Literary Awards take place 15 June.
