Satirical fiction in newspaper form
The Park Post Office has unveiled its new set of historical stamps. The stamps will go on sale on November 1 and will be available at the Post Office building as well as at selected retailers throughout The Park. The new stamps commemorate the following:
The Discovery of the Cave Paintings
The Park Interspecial Film Festival
Higher Education in The Park
The Feline Fiction Fest
The Park Broadcasting Corporation
The Archons of Zoocracy
Jor, The Park’s first leader
Park Finance Officer Milton Struts was mobbed last night, according to witnesses, as he attempted to enter the Park Cinema for the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF) awards presentation.
Several attendees, some of whom were producers whose films were up for awards, said that four of the Guard Dogs stationed at the entrance had to intervene when a group representing the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) started to bite Struts as he passed by.
One witness said that some of the Animals pulled at Struts’s feathers, while another confirmed that “more than one” sent spitballs his way.
“They were hopping mad [about the budget] and they weren’t going to let him pass without letting him know,” said one source who wished to remain anonymous.
Other Animals claimed that Stan the Spit Man, whose signature slogan is “Spitballs from Heaven!” instigated the attack on Struts as a publicity stunt to promote his business.
“There was sort of a pop-up spit shop right behind the Park Cinema. I saw it,” said witness Konrad Eule.
Calls to Stan the Spit Man have not been answered directly, but through a spokesAnimal, Stan denied any involvement in the campaign against Struts.
“Stan the Spit Man does not involve himself in politics,” the spokesAnimal said. “Nor does he endorse the use of spitballs for political purposes.”
Struts, who was ushered into the Cinema for the awards presentation, was not seen exiting at the end of the evening. He is believed to have stayed at the Cinema until it was safe for him to be escorted home by Park Police.
A report released today says that a significant number of Park Police trainees and graduates are opting to accept full-time positions outside The Park.
The report, which was commissioned by the Archons and conducted by the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), found that at least eighteen percent of those who graduated within the past five years have availed themselves of employment opportunities in Human police forces outside The Park.
“We are bleeding our brightest and our best,” Kakapo said at a press conference outside Park police headquarters this morning.
Faced with these figures, Kakapo said The Park has no choice but to address the problems that are facing the force. He cited one statistic he called “particularly alarming,” and that is that at least one quarter of the eighteen percent who left listed their top three reasons for the move as better pay, more respect from the public, and less interference from their superiors.
Kakapo said he plans to sit down this weekend with Gareth Shepherd, head of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) to discuss what can be done to keep trainees and graduates in The Park.
“This is a crisis situation and we plan to address it as such,” Kakapo said.
Park Finance Officer Milton Struts has not made any public appearances since last Wednesday, when he allegedly made a number of specist remarks during a massive budget protest.
As a result, a number of Park citizen groups are calling for his resignation, saying he has “lost his way” and become “too entrenched” in the budget process.
“We need new blood, that’s for sure,” says Oliver S.P. Franklin, head of the Confederation of Ground Squirrels (CGS) and a long-time critic of Struts.
Small Animal Reform Group (SARG) head Mason L. Tortoise agrees.
“If he can’t face us and defend what he calls a budget, then it’s time for him to go and for us to have an Animal who understands Park life,” he says.
Meanwhile, Sylvana Rana, president of the pro-sortition group Save Our Political System (SOPS) calls the budget “a threat to our way of life.”
“I don’t know what Struts was thinking when he put this thing together,” she says. “It’s as if he was panic-stricken and couldn’t make a decision.”
Rana says Struts’s seeming indecisiveness and what she calls the “total inappropriateness” of the budget might serve as fodder for those who advocate moving to an elected system of government. Presently, the lottery system known as sortition is used annually to select the 35 Animals who serve as our government. The Archons, who are the de facto heads of the Park Finance Office, have not as yet made any statement regarding the 2015 budget.
“To say that I’m disappointed in their silence is a gross understatement,” Rana says. “If they can’t defend our political system by supporting their choice of budget head, they are effectively handing us over to the other side.”
Park Finance Officer Milton Struts is taking criticism in the media and in shops around The Park this morning for remarks he made during the massive budget protest held yesterday.
As he moved through the record crowd, many Animals say they heard Struts complaining that the protesters had no budget-planning experience, so they had nothing to offer and nothing to “grouse” about.
“Ignorance breeds ignorance,” is another phrase that many say Struts mumbled. But what really disturbed participants was the second specist remark that Struts let slip from his lips on more than one occasion.
In reference to both the organizers and the strong supporters of the protest, Animals say Struts used the term “Whistlepiggery” on more than one occasion.
“He said the protest was just another example of Whistlepiggery in The Park,” says Adeline Hedgehog, who was present at the protest from the beginning.
“He said it and he didn’t look at all remorseful afterwards,” she says.
Another protester, Elton Zebra, said Struts had a “certain glint in his eye” when he said it.
“He knew exactly what he was saying and who he was saying it about,” says Zebra.
The term “Whistlepiggery” is a derogatory term that was outlawed in The Park a year after zoocracy. It is meant to characterize an Animal as conniving and untrustworthy.
As it happened, the Wednesday anti-budget protest was organized in part by Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS). It was also strongly supported by Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr., the organizer of the annual Groundhog Day celebrations, as well as by other organizers of Park events and the heads of The Park’s Animal aid services. Absent from the protest were members of The Park’s environmental groups and the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), who are said to be quite pleased with the budget.
In a statement on behalf of his membership, Wellington Whistlepig expressed “deep disappointment” in Struts’s alleged attitude and called on the Finance Officer to make an official apology.
“If he did, in fact, say those things of which he has been accused, he owes us all an apology for the very unzoocratic way in which he has dealt with dissent,” the statement read in part.
Meanwhile, The Park’s storefronts all agreed to display a very unflattering caricature of Struts with his head in the sand, signifying that he lives in the “dark ages before zoocracy.” The storefronts will continue to display the caricature, they say, until they receive an apology.
Thus far, however, no apology nor comment has been forthcoming either from Struts or from the Park Finance Office.
The Park’s social media darling gewper (pronounced “Gooper”) is said to be in talks with producer Egbert Bunzing to bring a scented film to the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF) next year.
The social media site, which is owned by RhinoTech, Inc. has enjoyed enormous success since it ventured into scent two years ago. The company’s partnership with Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., makers of the popular scent-masking product, FeralNoMore™, proved to be a game-changer, according to Consuela Tapir, who runs the tech rumour web site, TikTekTok.
“They opened up a whole new world with the ability to smell [those with whom they were interacting] and it has yet to be matched by any other company,” she says.
RhinoTech’s earnings skyrocketed a year after they introduced scent to the site and the company was believed to be working on a project that would allow members to touch each other across cyberspace. Tapir says that idea has been put on hold temporarily and they are now looking to break into what she calls “pure entertainment.”
For his part, those who know Bunzing say that he’s been looking for an “edgy” new idea and that this “is right up his alley.” Calls to his publicist, however, have not been returned and repeated requests for RhinoTech Chief Executive Officer Aldrich Nashorn to comment on this story have gone unanswered.
The 2015 “streamlined” budget that was presented by the Park Finance Office last month remains a contentious issue among residents, with some in the business community calling for a full re-think.
“I think we are owed some kind of explanation, as well as a full accounting, not this shoddy business that they’ve offered us,” say members of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS).
Also calling for a free and full public discussion of the matter is Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr., organizer of The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations.
Not surprisingly, Whistlepig is not at all pleased with the 10% of the budget that is earmarked for “special events.” He says he has no idea how much of that 10% will go to Groundhog Day.
“Special events?” he asks. “Groundhog Day is so much more than a ‘special event.’ It’s the backbone of our community,” he says, exasperated.
“I’ve dealt with cutbacks and surpluses … back and forth. And last minute, too. But this is the most outrageous allocation of funds I’ve ever seen.”
The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations is also calling for a re-do of the budget.
At her office this morning, Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the department, went on record as saying her department “cannot function with only 10% of the budget.”
“Are they forgetting how important these events are?” she asked.
Though reluctant to lend her support to the idea of a full-blown protest, Kanariar said she hopes the Archons and the PFO “take note of current sentiment.”
Meanwhile, both PASS and a number of The Park’s refugee and immigrant aid groups have organized what they are calling a “massive protest” to be held on Wednesday. Plans so far are for protesters to meet in front of the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.
“We have no doubt that we’ll be able to get our message out this way,” says Whistlepig.
Reactions to The Park’s 2015 “streamlined” budget depend on what your priorities are, says Park Finance Officer Milton Struts.
In an interview in his office two weeks after the release of the budget, Struts characterized Park residents’ general reaction as “favourable and understanding.”
“I think Park Animals understand the need to simplify our lives and, correspondingly, our budget,” Struts said.
But Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) has a different take on the matter. He says that he and other business owners consider the budget “a disaster” and that he’s been busy “rallying the troops” for the past two weeks to pressure the Park Finance Office into redoing the entire budget.
“There’s going to be a massive protest against this thing,” Whistlepig says. “It’s little more than a farce. There’s almost nothing specific in the budget, so how do we know what’s going to be approved and what isn’t? How do we know how much there is to spend? We don’t. We know nothing.”
Refugee groups agree.
“There was never enough [funding] and likely never will be, but we used to see a defined amount set aside for the care of refugees. In this budget, we see nothing definite. We don’t even see ourselves; they didn’t waste any ink on us,” says Inez Gallina, president of the refugee aid group Home to Roost.
The only groups that seem pleased with the budget are those connected to weather and the environment.
“We’ve been waiting, year after year, for the PFO to take us seriously and they finally have,” says Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP).
“Look at the difference: last year, the gave us a mere 5% of the budget. This year it’s a whopping 20%. There is so much we can do with that and it will benefit all Park residents, from our food growers and packagers to our shops and services. Weather is the foundation of our life here in The Park.”
Indeed, according to a source who wishes to remain anonymous, the Park Weather Office (PWO) is said to be “ecstatic” about the budget and “looking forward to spending the funds on good quality weather.”
“You never know, we could end up calling this the Sunshine Budget,” the source said.
It’s the pre-show to end all pre-shows.
The Beasts of Burden announced today that they will once again hold a pre-festival open mic night on Friday, September 11 at The Draft, the pub by the Wishing Well that the musical group owns.
According to their manager Ignatius Herder, last year’s open mic was so successful that they decided to repeat it.
“If this goes as well [as last year’s], they’re going to make it an annual event,” Herder says.
Originally conceived as a way to “warm up” Park residents in advance of the Beats of Burden Music Festival, which is now in its third year, the event turned into a talent search that netted two new performers at last year’s festival. In addition, the Beasts became mentors to three young musicians, one of whom has now begun a career as a merging artist (merging artists are artists who work in only one field of the arts and who collaborate with one or more other artists who work in another, distinct field).
“That was a total surprise,” Alfredo Ox told The Mammalian Daily yesterday. “Mentoring was the last thing on our minds, and now it’s front and centre.”
This year, Herder says, he’s looking forward to hearing the newest talent, but he doesn’t know if they’ll have the time to take on more than a couple of musicians or singers.
“Of course, it all depends on the quality. There are some performers that you simply can’t say no to,” he said.
The rules for this year’s open mic are the same as last year’s: the Beasts are asking those who wish to play or sing to add their names to a list that will be posted outside their pub on Tuesday morning.
“But whether or not you want to perform, it will be a great time. And be prepared to stay out all night,” Herder advises.
The Cackling Goose Tavern announced today that it will host a fundraiser for displaced Park citizen Jerzy Szop this Friday night.
In an invitation posted on their GooseBook page, the tavern appealed to all Park residents to “come out after 6:00 p.m. on Friday night and make this the fundraiser to end all fundraisers.”
Szop lost his home in July when the Maple Tree in which he had lived for the past three years was hacked during the night. Although Park Police have yet to determine the perpetrator of the crime, AnonyMoose has claimed responsibility for the hacking. Since then, Szop has been staying with friends and family members, some of whom report he is feeling “lost” and quite depressed. At the time of the hacking, he said he had lost faith in Park life and was considering leaving.
In an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio, The Cackling Goose owner Brantford Gander said he knew Friday’s fundraiser would at the very least boost Szop’s spirits.
“But, truthfully, we’re looking to do much more than that. We’ll have music, games, food, drink, and an auction. Something for every Animal but hopefully even more for Jerzy. We’re hoping that this will truly be the Goose that laid the Golden Egg for him,” Gander said.
