The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2016—DWBS to Archons, PFO: Increase aid to immigrants, domestication survivors

By

Animal Aid RaccoonAs Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM) draws to a close, the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has embarked on a new campaign to encourage the Archons and the Park Finance Office to allocate more funding to aid immigrants and the survivors of domestication.

In an open letter to the Archons and to PFO head Valentina Abeja, the DWBS cited alarming statistics that suggest that The Park may soon be home to many tens of thousands of Animals who have either escaped enforced domestication or found themselves homeless after the closing of a number of Human-run zoological parks.

“It is imperative that we prepare for this incoming wave of desperate Animals. It is our duty to ensure their safety and security,” the letter states.

The DWBS says there is plenty of time to increase funding for aid, since the 2017 budget likely will not be finalized until late August.

While not openly criticizing Abeja for her first budget, the DWBS suggested the PFO head take a “deeper and broader” look at The Park’s population and at circumstances outside The Park.

“Last year’s budget allocated a mere four percent to immigration and refugee support. This was, at the very least, somewhat naïve and short-sighted,” the letter says.

The DWBS has acknowledged the upcoming meeting of the Archons and the PFO head, which is scheduled for next Wednesday.

“It is our hope that this item will be first on their agenda,” DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo told The Mammalian Daily.

OTD IN 2014—Central Bank reminder: June 28 last day to make pre-estivation deposits

By

Central Bank of The Park

Pre-estivation deposits must be made by June 28

The Central Bank of The Park has issued a reminder to all Park residents who intend to estivate this Summer: June 28 is the last day that deposits can be made.

A spokesAnimal for the Bank also advised Animals who are still seeking a place to park their funds during the dormancy period that they should be vigilant and “not believe in artificially high interest rates.”

“Remember the concept of ‘enough’ when researching [interest] rates. Remember, if something looks too good to be true, it may very well be,” said the SpokesAnimal.

Many of The Park’s financial institutions offer substantially higher interest rates to hibernators and estivators. But there is a catch, says Uzoma Serval, author of BankWoe.

“When the dormancy period ends for these Animals, they find they are not at liberty to withdraw their funds as they wish. They find they’ve signed away that right, without even knowing it. And their interest rate quickly plummets ten percent or more,” Serval says.

Estivation officially begins on Sunday, June 29. The Central Bank of The Park will be closed on Monday, June 30 for the mid-year tally.

OTD in 2012—Archons’ plan to promote Park tourism draws criticism

By

A plan initiated this Spring to promote tourism in parts of The Park has met with criticism from a number of Animal groups.

The plan, which was revealed to the public just days ago, was conceived by Chief Archon George Irving Nathan Gallagher Newt, according to a source close to the Archons.

Newt, who became Chief Archon in January of this year, was the owner of a profitable recreational facility when he was chosen by lottery to serve as Archon. His plan to make The Park an attractive venue for non-residents has infuriated a number of Animal groups, who question the wisdom of inviting outsiders to spend more time in The Park.

“Personally, I don’t understand the whole thing,” says Ferit Kokarca, President of Skunks Against Gunk. “They come here and make use of our beautiful facilities, but they don’t add anything substantial to the economy,” he says.

Wellington Whistlepig, founder and current president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) concurs: “It’s not as if they buy anything from our shops,” he says.

In the meantime, The Park’s environmental groups, incensed by the plan, have decided that action speaks louder than words. Some particularly infuriated members of the group, Keep Your Paws out of Our Ponds, have set up barriers in the new tourist areas in the hope of discouraging return visitors.

Still, there are those who see positive aspects to welcoming tourists to The Park.

Park Finance Officer, Milton Struts, says studies have shown that other Parks have benefitted “not just financially, but culturally” from interacting with outsiders. And André-Philippe Campagnol, the new owner of the popular Park restaurant, The Compost Heap, says his eatery has been the beneficiary of “a significant windfall” since tourists have begun frequenting The Park.

“We’re finding that we’re able to offer a wider variety of fare this summer,” he says.

OTD in 2016—Farmers, weather makers, tech company reps agree to summit at The Draft

By

Draft with borderIn a surprise move, The Park’s farmers and weather makers and the representatives of some technology companies have agreed to sit down together at The Draft pub and discuss their positions and mutual goals.

In a carefully worded statement released this morning, the three groups acknowledged the assistance in this effort of The Beasts of Burden, who own The Draft, and said they were “cautiously optimistic” that they could come to an agreement that would benefit all residents of The Park.

The series of meetings will begin next month. In a simultaneous statement, The Beasts of Burden announced that their pub will be closed every Tuesday and Thursday in July to accommodate what is now being called, “The Draft Summit.”

The main issue under discussion will be the effect of technology on The Park’s food supply. The issue came to a head in early Spring, when the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) complained that through their food-finding apps, technology companies were encouraging Animals to abandon their natural practices of finding food. The SCPCPGF believes that this will negatively affect the “natural pacing” of food finding and will lead to uneven distribution, more food imports, and food shortages. At one point, they called on technology companies to stop producing their apps until the issue was resolved.

Not surprisingly, technology company representatives disagreed with the SCPCPGF’s assertion and refused to shut down production. They maintain their products enhance the food-finding experience, reduce stress, and save Animals a significant amount of time.

According to today’s statement, the first item of business will be to agree on an agenda. That agenda-setting meeting will take place on July 5.

OTD in 2014—PASS calls for public inquiry into stampede at grooming house

By

tallulahstoilettage

PASS has called for a public inquiry into the grooming house stampede

The Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) has called for a public inquiry into the stampede that occurred at Tallulah’s Toilettage on May 31.

At a meeting held on Saturday June 14, members of the Association voted unanimously to recommend to the Archons that they institute a “full, free, and public investigation into the events that took place at Tallulah’s Toilettage on May 31.”[pullquote]We want Animals to realize that the security of the business community is at stake here.  – PASS president Wellington Whistlepig[/pullquote]

The Association also agreed that such a public investigation should seek input from Park Police, the Department of Well-Being and Safety and the Department of Holidays Festivals, and Celebrations, as well as from Animals resident in The Park.

“We wrote our recommendation in the strongest language possible, short of making it an outright demand,” said current PASS president Wellington Whistlepig at a media briefing this afternoon. 

“We want Animals to realize that the security of the business community is at stake here,” he said.

OTD in 2014—Police confirm officer among those injured in grooming house stampede

By

Stampede at Grooming House

One Park Police officer was injured at the grooming house stampede on May 31

BREAKING NEWS

Park Police confirmed today that one of their own was among the injured in the grooming house stampede on May 31.

At a press briefing outside their headquarters, a Police spokesAnimal confirmed reports that an officer had been taken to hospital after being attacked inside Tallulah’s Toilettage. The officer’s name was not released.

Gareth Shepherd, President of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW), also attended the briefing. He said the officer was unarmed when he entered the grooming house.

“He was one of the first to respond at the scene. He called for reinforcements but, for him, it was too late. He was attacked…allegedly by a mob of disgruntled grooming house patrons,” Shepherd said.

The stampede led to the arrest of 35 Animals, most of whom are believed to be regular customers of the grooming house. Of the Animals arrested, 32 were charged with at least one offence. Those charges included mischief, unprovoked violence, injury to the body of a Police officer, inciting a riot, and the overtaking of a common grooming house for other purposes. All 32 Animals are awaiting court dates.

Meanwhile, The Park’s business community has called a meeting for Saturday, June 14 to discuss plans to draft what Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), calls a “battle plan.”

Though he would reveal no specific details, Whistlepig said the meeting had already been scheduled when the stampede occurred.

“We had already seen that things were changing in The Park and we acknowledged that, as a group, we’d have to be prepared,” he said.

OTD in 2016—Chef Mikko Tikkeri tries to cope with June slump at The Feeding Station

By

Mikko TikkeriChef Mikko Tikkeri sits at one of the communal tables—his restaurant’s “feeding stations”—and stares at the line of empty holes.

“There should be bowls in there. There should be a line of Animals with their faces in those bowls,” he says in almost a defeated tone.

Although Tikkeri never directly names his enemy during our hour-long interview, there is no escaping the Elephant in the room: Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM).

The annual event has taken a big bite out of Tikkeri’s business and perhaps an even bigger bite out of his heart.

“Where is the loyalty?” he asks, only half-rhetorically.

He knew he was taking a risk with the cutting edge concept and design of his new eatery and he admitted that the Feeding Station might alienate some customers or remind them of their time in enforced domestication. But the restaurant did well after its November opening—so well, in fact, that Tikkeri says he was blindsided by the sudden drop in diners.

“I don’t know where they’ve gone. My friends in the business tell me they [the customers] will be back, but it isn’t easy. I feel as if I’ve been accused of some wrongdoing…as if eating here is traumatic,” he says.

Indeed, there are Animals who see it that way but, according to business experts, they are not the problem.

“They’re not the ones who were eating there in the first place, so their absence won’t be felt this month,” says Ingmar Bäver, professor of Business Studies at the University of West Terrier’s Winston School of Business.

“What Tikkeri failed to do—and this is a common mistake—was to look ahead at what events might influence customer behaviour. He needs to plan for those and to offer diners something special during that time, something that will make them overcome their reluctance or even their curiosity about other places,” the business professor and part-time marketing consultant says.

For his part, Tikkeri hopes he’ll have the chance to get it right and that his customers will be understanding.

“I know about food, but I’m still learning about business and customer relations. I apologize for any discomfort felt this month by any of my customers,” he says.

OTD in 2017—Burrows become hot property as Park’s growing population seeks housing

By

burrows-real-estateThe Park’s population continues to grow at a dizzying pace, and that’s good news for many businesses and services. But for those engaged in building and selling housing, the spike in population over the past few years has presented almost insurmountable challenges.

“We weren’t prepared for this,” says Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), whose organization represents real estate services, but not builders. “We’re definitely having trouble accommodating newcomers.”

His admission is backed up by a recently-published report by the Department of Statistics and Records that concludes The Park has only enough sheltered housing for seventy percent of its resident Animals.

Whistlepig cites a number of reasons for the shortage and among them is one his organization brought to light after an investigation into the 2014 grooming house stampede: the sharp increase in those who look to others to do the things they used to do themselves.

“We used to groom ourselves, build our own housing, and find our own food. All that has changed over the past two decades and we haven’t kept up with demand because we didn’t take note of the changes in behaviour until it was too late,” he says, bluntly.

For some of The Park’s established builders, though, there is a silver lining in this housing cloud.

Orders are “way up,” according to Kerman Astoa, vice-president of sales for Burrows and Beyond. And, he says, at least twenty-five per cent of B&B’s new customers are neither hibernators nor natural burrowers.

“We’re surprised by the number of species willing to compromise on housing,” he says. “But burrows can be built in an eighth of the time that above-ground sheltered housing takes, and they last for years and can easily be enlarged. It’s a smart choice and more and more Animals are seeing that,” he says.

Resales are also up, according to Subterranean Sales and Rental.

“Burrows are hot property these days, no question,” a spokesAnimal for the company told The Mammalian Daily. “And we see no sign of a slowdown in sales.”

OTD in 2016—Enforced Domestication Awareness Month 2016: Official Schedule of Events

By

June 2016 calendar with black cat silhouette

The Archons, in conjunction with the Department of Well-Being and Safety and the Department of Holidays, Festivals and Celebrations have released the official schedule for 2016’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM).

To access the Official Schedule, click here: EDAM OFFICIAL SCHEDULE 2016.

The schedule was released early this morning, accompanied by a press release in which all three groups emphasized the importance of the month. thanked all organizers and participants for their “tireless efforts on behalf of The Park’s citizenry”and wished all Park residents “joy, peace, and awareness.”

“The importance of this month cannot be understated. The knowledge that is imparted during EDAM can and will save thousands of lives and will allow those who have escaped enforced domestication to understand themselves and the world better and to lead peaceful and fulfilling lives,” the statement said.

OTD in 2012—Jubilee cleanup most expensive in Park history

By

The cleanup bill for last week’s Anixi Agrarian Jubilee has arrived and it is substantial.

The cost of straightening up The Park after this year’s event, which was the largest in its history, will “just about empty The Park’s coffers,” says Finance Officer, Milton Struts.

“Even the [celebration of the] establishment of zoocracy and calendar harmonization didn’t cost this much,” he says.

Organizers of the event say that its size and the numbers it attracts account for the hefty bill.

“The Park is growing in population and this year’s weather was extraordinary. Those two factors, alone, could account for the numbers we saw at the event,” says Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

Adding to the financial woes is the fact that some Finance Officers say the massive bill should come out of the groundskeeping account rather than the money that is allocated yearly for special events and celebrations.

“We are divided on this,” said Milton Struts in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

“The Special Event account is over-budget already, and we’re not even halfway through the year. Groundskeeping, on the other hand, has a small surplus, due to this year’s extremely mild Winter. It makes sense, I think, to pull the funds from there. I’m thinking ahead to next year and we don’t want to have to say that we’re cutting back on special events. That won’t go down well with Park Animals,” he warned.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

February 2026
M T W T F S S
 1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
232425262728