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OTD in 2008—Marine Mammal Bank posts record gains in first quarter

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The Marine Mammal Bank of the Park (MMBP) has reported record first-quarter gains for 2008, thanks to the performance of its personal banking division.

The Park’s third largest bank reported an increase in deposits of 150% over the same period last year. The bank now estimates earnings for 2008 at twice those of last year. That figure was revised upward from a previous estimate of 160%.

According to Park law, banks that do business solely in The Park are not required to report their earnings in exact figures. Traditionally, Park banks have made public reports in earnings percentages, reserving exact figures for The Park Finance Office.

The growth in deposits to the MMBP is a result of the bank’s aggressive recruitment of funds from non-traditional sources, according to the bank’s Chief Executive Officer. Alphonse Dolphin said the bank is finding new and “innovative” ways to increase its clientele, including reaching out to new immigrants and to estivating species, in particular.

“This idea of reaching out to other species and to new citizens and responding directly to their particular needs and concerns… it’s a new idea in Park banking,” he said. “I’m sure it will become the norm in short order; we just happened to dive in ahead of everyone else.”

According to Park financial analyst and bank watcher, Veronique Jackal, the MMBP has done a “complete turnaround” in their priorities and it stands to gain significantly from this strategy.

“Unlike other [Park] banks, the Marine Mammal has decided to concentrate on personal banking, offering new customers interest at significantly higher rates [than other banks], as well as services that are geared to encouraging savings. This [strategy], coupled with their decision to reach out to the immigrant population and, in particular, to estivators – Animals that, historically, have been savers but who have not, traditionally, used the services of banks – will result, I believe, in massive gains for them [the bank] in the coming years.”

Other Park bank watchers agree, predicting that the MMBP is poised to overtake The Monotreme Savings Bank this year and sneak into second place behind the behemoth Founding Families Financial Corporation.

This article first appeared in Issue #118 of The Mammalian Daily.

OTD in 2016—Stand-alone education advocates use buttons to kick off new campaign

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STUPIDITY ButtonMr. Justice Augustus Dindon usually keeps to himself, but this weekend we’ll be seeing his image everywhere, if a new pro-education group has its way.

The group, which calls itself “Park Citizens for Stand-Alone Education,” has used the judge’s image and his most recent ruling that all Animals have the right to remain stupid, to kick off their campaign in favour of building stand-alone educational institutions for The Park’s young.

In a statement released this morning, the group says that it’s high time the Archons faced the truth about education in The Park.

“We’ve been talking around this issue for some time and nothing has been done to improve the quality of education here [in The Park]. We are taking the issue to Park citizens, to the Archons and to the budget committee and Park Finance Officer Abeja. We need to provide quality education for our young in a separate environment from their home and we need to see to it immediately,” says the statement, which was written by Domoina Fossa, the group’s head.

Fossa has some experience in this area. As a professor at the F. Varrah Flanagan School of Education at the University of West Terrier and the head researcher of a study commissioned by the 2011 Archons, she concluded that the majority of Park Animals were home-schooled and that “this type of system does not work in a modern Park, with so many species trying to live together harmoniously.”

Fossa says she still stands by that opinion.

“We believe the interspecial strife that has escalated over the past few years could be mitigated by introducing Animals to other species at an early point in their lives. And in addition to that, we believe that using trained teachers is the best way to impart knowledge. Not all parents are capable of doing that,” she says.

The group will be out in full force over the weekend, handing out buttons and talking to citizens about education and the future of The Park.

“I can’t wait to get going on this campaign. The future is now,” says Fossa.

OTD in 2016—Fowl Ball fully hatched: organizer touts mature event for 2016

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Fowl Ball

The Park’s third annual Fowl Ball will take place on Tuesday, May 31, 2016

The Fowl Ball is all grown up and ready to be the “main event”of The Park’s Spring social season.

“We had some growing pains, there’s no doubt about that. But we’re happy to say we’re over them and we’re ready to move forward as a mature event,” Rafael Ortega said this morning.

As the sole guest on Toro Talk Radio’s Yannis Tavros show, the Ball’s chief organizer had the opportunity to expound on his goals for the charity affair and some of them seemed quite lofty. But Ortega had an answer for any doubters:

“Birds like to think big and fly high,” he said.

Ortega has achieved many of his goals thus far. In two short years, he has made the Fowl Ball one of the most anticipated events on The Park’s social calendar. And it has brought in more money than Ortega anticipated it would do in the course of five years.

Indeed, on its own, the Ball has funded the establishment of The Park’s first retirement residence for wounded and elderly members of the Avian community. The residence is set to open this Autumn, but Ortega says he won’t be spending the time between now and then “sitting pretty” or resting on his laurels.

“My goal is to make the Fowl Ball not just a signature event, but a Park institution,” he told Tavros.

Doubters: consider yourselves warned.

The Park’s third annual Fowl Ball will take place on Tuesday, May 31, 2016. Tickets are on sale now and are available at all Park retailers, as well as at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. 

OTD in 2012—CPAP to investigate Daffy Dill’s “natural product” claims

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 The Consumer Protection Agency of The Park (CPAP) confirmed today that it plans to investigate claims made by The Daffy Dill that its whisker bouquets are made exclusively of “natural” products.

At a press conference held this morning, CPAP head Ursula M. Bjørn said that, in launching its investigation, the Agency was answering to a number of concerns voiced by consumers over the past 12 months.

“Consumers have been questioning the veracity of [Daffy Dill’s] claims, particularly those made about its whisker bouquet products,” Bjørn said. “We determined that these queries warranted some further examination.”

The Agency’s decision to launch its probe may also be due, in part, to recurrent rumours that non-resident Animals have been detained illegally in The Park for the purpose of harvesting their whiskers. Bjørn would not comment on these rumours, but did not deny that such activity “would be a great concern, if it were found to be true.”

While Daffy Dill owners have remained silent about the investigation, Wellington Whistlepig, founder and current president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), issued a statement just hours ago. In it, he chastised CPAP for “doing the bidding of a few disgruntled customers” and said the complaints may well have been connected to recent price increases.

“Many shops in The Park have experienced customer anger lately, as a result of necessary price increases. That is a fact of life in business, but customer anger should not be grounds for a full investigation,” the statement read.

OTD in 2017—Month Without Metaphor director “revises and remakes” Park media circus

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mwm-flyersFive years after The Park’s first media circus, the new director of Month Without Metaphor is about to “revise and remake” the event for a different purpose.

In an announcement this morning, Ronald Grouse confirmed rumours of his recent talks with Rodolfo van de Gier, president of the Association of Media Outlets of The Park (AMOP), who was in charge of the 2011 event. Grouse’s announcement said the two have agreed to work together on a “new kind” of media circus that will have an “altogether different” purpose, but it offered scant details.

“We are planning to host a two-day event toward the end of the month that will have the full participation of Park media. We also extended an invitation to The Park’s literary community, including writers, publishing companies, and journal editors, as well as representatives of the University of West Terrier’s Cuthbert School of Journalism. Together, we are hoping to have a full and open discussion about the dissemination of information, the use of language and the responsibility of all those who are involved in communication,” the announcement said.

No exact times or locations were mentioned, nor whether the “fun and games,” such as playing reporter or hosting a mock interview, would be included in the new event.

OTD in 2012—Eggie and The Pigs turn music’s business model upside-down

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Eggie and The Pigs are poised to change the way the music business is done here in The Park.

According to a spokesAnimal for the group, the four musicians have decided to allow their listening public to determine the shape and content of their next song collection.

The group’s manager released the following statement this morning:

Instead of recording songs (either individually or as a collection), ETP will be making each of their new songs available as a free digital download for listeners to enjoy.

Each song will be available for one month, during which time listeners are invited to register and vote on whether or not they wish to have the song included in ETP’s next collection.

At the end of the year, after the votes have been tallied, ETP will post another online poll that will ask listeners the order in which they would like the chosen songs to appear on the new recording, the group’s manager said.

ETP’s fans appear to be ecstatic about this new arrangement. Posting on Gewper a few minutes after the statement was released, many fans called this a “musical revolution” and some hailed the decision as granting “power to the listener.”

“I’m all ears, bring it on,” one fan wrote, succinctly, and many agreed.

Music business executives, however, have been less enthusiastic. A spokesAnimal for Rotunda Records warned of the dangers of changing the decision-making dynamic so drastically.

“Once you go down that road, there’s no turning back,” he said in an interview on Toro Talk Radio. “I think they’re forgetting about the expertise that music business experts have. Fans are important; we can’t do without them, but they don’t necessarily know the best way to produce a good musical recording,” he said.

OTD in 2017—Chitter Radio Literary Awards adds new category for 2017: speeches

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The Chitter Radio Literary Awards (CRLA) has added a new category to its already sizeable list of honours: speeches.

In a short communiqué issued this morning, CRLA director Guadalupe Tucán cited the need to expand the term, “literary,” and to continue to acknowledge the artistic elements of non-fiction as her reasons for adding the category.

“We need to continue to broaden our horizons and reward those artists whose work may not fit easily into the established categories,” the communiqué said.

Tucán, who has been CRLA director since 2015, began taking the awards in a different direction last year, when she allowed celebrity chef Tab Tricolore to serve his “Liberation Libation” to attendees. Though it was a controversial move, it illustrated what many call Tucán’s “sense of the bigger picture.”

“I’ve known Guadalupe for years and I know what she’s thinking when she does things like that,” said a longtime friend. “She believes that art and even literariness can be found as much in the mundane as in grand canvasses or great books. So, I’m not surprised by anything she does.”

Tucán said the category expansion is not expected to add more than a few minutes to the evening, which will be broadcast live on AVN Television.

The Chitter Radio Literary Awards take place June 15. Nominations will be announced in mid-May.

OTD in 2015—New date announced for Park’s annual Anixi Agrarian Jubilee

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May 23The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations has changed the date of this year’s Anixi Agrarian Jubilee.

In a brief statement released this afternoon, Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the department, announced the change from Wednesday, May 20 to Saturday, May 23.

“The official date of the Jubilee has always been May 20, which falls on a Wednesday this year. The Department felt that a weekend celebration would be more fitting for the occasion and as a result, we have changed the date to Saturday, May 23. No other changes are anticipated,” the announcement said.

Last month, the organizers of the Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic changed the day of its annual event, as well. After deciding to hold the Picnic on a Sunday they announced they would make a formal request to designate the third Sunday of March as the Picnic day. The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations has not announced any plans to do the same for the Anixi Agrarian Jubilee.

OTD in 2013—”Job fair” a scam approved by 2012 Archons: report

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An undercover investigation by reporters working for The Mammalian Daily has exposed an ugly truth about The Park’s upcoming “job fair.”

According to a report filed by the TMD undercover team, the 2012 Archons signed off on a plan to allow a group of Humans to take over The Park one weekend this Spring for the purpose of recruiting Animals to fill jobs outside The Park.

The job fair, which was aggressively advertised to Park Animals as an opportunity for them to gain better access to gainful employment, is in reality an “adoption event,” according to the results of the reporters’ investigation. Adoption events, which are illegal in The Park, are gatherings organized by Humans for the purpose of capturing Animals and taking them to live in homes outside The Park. These events are associated with enforced domesticity and confinement and, as a result, very few of these captured Animals are ever able to return to their homes and families.

“This is a travesty,” said Dr. Anneliese Cissa, head of the Livingstone School of Economics and Social Science at the University of West Terrier.

In an interview held at her office at the university, Dr. Cissa said the job fair must not be allowed to go on or “all the gains we’ve made as Animals…self-rule and zoocracy…will be undermined.”

“This is exactly the kind of thing that we all knew might happen if we didn’t deal with our sluggish economy in a timely fashion,” she said. “But what we didn’t know was that our own Archons would be the ones to bring us down.”

Dr. Cissa, who is the author of a controversial 2012 report on state of The Park’s economy, was openly critical of the Archons (both 2012 and 2013).

“This is a clear indication that the Archons have been derelict in their duties,” she said.  “It is the responsibility of The Park’s governing body to encourage an atmosphere in which there is adequate opportunity for employment. By transferring their responsibilities to Humans outside The Park, they are doing an injustice to our citizenry. We must take action against this before it is too late,” she said.

The 2013 Archons have thus far made no comment on the job fair.

See also:

Economy forces Animals to work as “domestics” outside Park
Archons, PFO blasted over Human Direct Investment in Park

OTD in 2017—Park’s Avian population set to soar above other species: BirdBrains

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yellow-bird-soaring

The Park’s Avian population is set to soar above all other species, according to a report published last week by the Avian mentoring programme, BirdBrains.

The report, entitled, “Zoocracy After Thirty-Five: A New Avian Era,” analyzes a number of studies of the development of The Park’s Avian population in the years following the establishment of zoocracy.

According to these studies, Avians dipped in levels of education, employment, and entrepreneurship during the first decade and a half of zoocracy, when they were overtaken by other species, the large majority of which were Mammals and Fish. In addition, statistics from the Long Gone Registry confirm that the number of Avians who chose to leave The Park permanently grew consistently from 1995 to 2005. The first cohort set up homes and infrastructure in other areas, which encouraged an exodus in the years between 2001 and 2005.

But all that is about to change, according to the report’s authors and BirdBrains directors, Gwendolyn Goose and Henry Gander, whose late father, Cesar Emilio Gander, founded the Avian mentoring programme.

The average level of education in the Avian population has gone from the rudimentary level to intermediate, says Goose, with a significant increase in the number of Avians attending institutions of higher learning.

“This year, Avians will constitute the largest number of new students as well as the largest number of graduates,” Goose says proudly.

In addition, many more Avians have become interested in technology and, in turn, entrepreneurship. Goose and Gander credit their father’s vision, as well as that of the education initiative of the 2011 and 2012 Archons, with the change in the Avian mindset.

“Many more Birds are making the decision to stay here and get an education. They see opportunities that aren’t available outside The Park and they’re now reaching for the stars,” says Gander.

Kawena Palila is one of them. An alumna of BirdBrains, Palila credits the programme with helping her to realize her dream, the social media site gaggle, which went live last year. Palila says the programme helped her get funding and some extra expertise for the site, as well as encouraging her to “think Avian,” which resulted in a site “not for the individual, but for the flock.”

Goose and Gander say there are many more Palilas on the horizon and they look forward to mentoring many flocks of them in the coming years.

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