The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2016—Park Animals sighted at celebrity can opening

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Hill of cats and dogsA number of Park citizens were caught on camera yesterday afternoon, eating, partying, and rubbing up against celebrities at a can opening outside The Park.

According to the gossip web site headsNtales, which published a series of pictures taken at the outdoor event, a “large group of Park Animals” attended the can opening hosted by Humans.

“The exceptionally well-attended event included a vast sampling of different canned foods, sparkling and still water served in bowls and on-site entertainment, as well as free grooming,” the gossip site said.

headsNtales co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo said her reporters could not verify that the Park Animals had been invited to the event.

“We aren’t able to say whether the Park Animals were responding to an invite or just came upon the event in their travels. It [the event] was well-publicized outside The Park, but no Park media we know of published any information about it,” she said.

OTD in 2015—Gossip site: SplotchWatch site shut down, owner arrested this morning

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headsNtalesThe controversial web site SplotchWatch has been shut down and its owner arrested, according to the gossip site headsNtales.

In a 10.00 a.m. posting, the gossip site said it had confirmation from The Park Police Force’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) that Raimundo Zorro, the site’s owner, was being held in custody until a court date was set.

The Mammalian Daily reported in December that Zorro’s site had been under police surveillance for almost six months. At the time, Park Police were not releasing the name of the site’s owner.

“Its only purpose, as far as we can tell, is to name Animals who have had their spots or stripes removed,” the SHCU’s Chief Inspector Maurice Addax said at the time.

Zorro, a disgruntled former journalist, writes on his web site that he believes it is in the interest of  “openness and honesty” to let Park Animals know who among them has altered their appearance.

The Park’s grooming house community publicly took issue with that belief, but police said they had no intention of acting against Zorro unless the site explicitly encouraged hatred or violence toward any Animal or group of Animals.

Numerous reports and studies have indicated that striped and spotted Animals do not receive equal treatment in The Park. In the Autumn newsletter of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), the major grooming houses reported that stripe removal was their most sought-after service. Calling it a “disturbing trend,” they said the number of completed procedures had increased 190% in the past two years.

OTD in 2016—Police, DWBS confirm Humans took photos of Park Animals in hibernation

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Hibernating AnimalPark Police and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) confirmed today that a group of Humans was responsible for taking and distributing photos showing Park Animals in various stages of hibernation.

At a joint press briefing this morning, Cornelius Kakapo, DWBS Director of Public Relations and Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crime Unit (SHCU) revealed the findings of their investigation.

“We are here to confirm that through extensive investigation we have determined that a group of Humans was responsible for the cache of photos in question that was distributed via the internet in January,” Addax said.

The photos, which Police confirmed were taken by cameras installed secretly in hibernators’ burrows, were posted serially, at the rate of approximately one every half-hour, on January 23. They appeared simultaneously on an internet site run by Humans and on The Park’s gossip web site, headsNtales.

Police also confirmed that they had questioned the gossip site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo. They did not say what they learned from Guacamayo, nor whether she and her co-founder would be charged for posting the photos. The name of the Humans’ web site has not been revealed.

Although police took no questions at the briefing, Kakapo was able to confirm rumours that the Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS) had been deployed during the investigation.

OTD in 2016—Photos of Park Animals in hibernation “very disturbing,” say police, DWBS

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Artist's rendering of Animal in hibernation

Artist’s rendering

The emergence of a cache of photos that show Park Animals in various stages of hibernation is “very disturbing,” say Park Police and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS).

The photos, which likely were taken by cameras installed secretly—and illegally— in hibernators’ burrows, were posted last night on the gossip web site headsNtales.

PotWatcher, The Park’s foremost web-watching organization says the pictures appeared “without fanfare and without any mention of their provenance or their authenticity.”

“They appeared serially, about one every half-hour,” says Rufus Gordon Gaupe, President and CEO of PotWatcher.

Not surprisingly, the photos have gone viral despite a police order that headsNtales remove them from the site.

Cornelius Kakapo, DWBS Director of Public Relations, confirmed the department was notified after Gaupe reported the postings to police.

“To me, it’s not just a breach of privacy; it’s a breach of trust and a threat to interspecial harmony,” Gaupe told The Mammalian Daily.

Park police agree with Gaupe and are initiated a “full investigation” that includes staff from the Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) and the Interspecial Investigations Unit. They have also set up a special hotline and are appealing to all Animals who think they might have seen anything related to the crimes or who know any Animal who might be involved.

“We want to talk to any Animal who has any ideas about this,” says SHCU Chief Inspector Maurice Addax.

The Park Police Hotline number is: 226-887-4277.

OTD in 2017: Thank you, thank you, thank you, and goodnight: Barkettes at work on memoir

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halcyondaysThisbe and the Barkettes are at work on a memoir, according to the gossip web site headsNtales.

In a post dated today, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo writes that she spoke to a musician “very close to Thisbe” who told her the singers are collaborating on a book that takes a “three hundred and sixty degree view” of their career.

Though Guacamayo did not name her source, many in the music business believe it to be a member of the Poodle duo Belles and Whistles, whom the Barkettes mentored secretly for years.

According to Guacamayo’s source, the project has been in the works for a while, but it didn’t begin as a book.

“The original idea was a television series, but with all their projects, the singers didn’t think they could commit to a filming schedule. They decided to switch to writing a book, because it didn’t require them to be in the same place or to keep a fixed schedule,” Guacamayo writes on the site.

If headsNtales is correct, perhaps we can look forward to reliving some of those halcyon days with the Barkettes.

On This Day—December 19, 2013: Gossip site hints at new Mammalian Daily rôle for Noreen

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headsNtales logoPopular columnist Noreen may not be dispensing advice at The Mammalian Daily for much longer, if a popular Park gossipmonger’s sources are correct.

According to headsNtales, The Park’s “most-watched” gossip site, Noreen is currently in talks with several Park newspapers to expand her rôle beyond that of counselling Animals on how to live happily with Humans.

In keeping with her present position as adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier, Noreen is said to be keen on bringing her academic credentials to her newspaper writing.

“Noreen would like to share the knowledge of Humans that she has acquired over her lifetime with more of the general public,” says a source close to the columnist.

“Rather than answering Animals’ questions, she would like to offer something more substantial in a regular column or essay. She believes that many Animals are lacking knowledge of Human history, for example, and she would like to fill that gap so that Animals can better understand the world around them and make better-informed choices.”

If these are indeed Noreen’s wishes, they may well fall in line with the intentions of the University of West Terrier. While there has been no final word on the subject from the UWT Board of Governors, rumours have suggested the school is considering a major expansion of its Department of Human Studies.

Meanwhile, Noreen remains silent on her plans for the future and has declined to comment on any rumours.

On This Day—November 28, 2014: Struts convinced Archons to encourage Human tourism in Park: rumour

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headsNtalesFormer Finance Officer and budget architect Milton Struts was the force behind the 2012 Archons’ decision to encourage Human tourism in The Park, the gossip site headsNtales is reporting.

In an article posted this morning, The Park’s “most-watched” gossip site quotes an anonymous source as saying that the creator of the controversial 2015 budget “pulled some strings with the Archons” to get them to consider the financial benefits of Human tourism in The Park.

The source, whose name and species is known to headsNtales but who wishes to remain anonymous to the site’s readers, says Struts had a “longtime” relationship with two male Humans who regularly spent their Summer lunch hours in The Park. The source claims there is video evidence of Struts accepting food from these Humans.

The source also claims that the two Humans “talked up” the financial benefits of encouraging Humans to spend time in The Park and that Struts took the idea to the Archons as early as 2010. Amaury Porpoise, who served two terms as Chief Archon during the calendar harmonization period, had no interest in the plan, according to the source.

The idea was resurrected, though, when his arch rival, George Irving Nathan Gallagher Newt, assumed the Chief Archonship in 2012 and vowed to do the opposite of whatever his predecessor had done. Despite the resistance of many of the other 34 Archons, the source says, Newt not only embarked on the plan to promote Human tourism in The Park, but he took full credit for the idea and moved swiftly on Struts’s advice to use Park funds for the purpose.

The three-prong plan that was subsequently adopted was praised by some who owned Park businesses, but it was met with opposition from many others, including The Park’s environmental groups, who vowed to fight its funding. The 2015 budget did not include tourism.

On This Day—October 20, 2014: Finance Officer Milton Struts accepted food from Human: rumour

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headsNtalesBeleaguered Park Finance Officer Milton Struts is in the news again, this time for what may be a major indiscretion on his part.

The Park’s “most-watched” gossip site headsNtales is reporting that the creator of the controversial 2015 budget accepted food from a Human less than a month ago.

According to the site, Struts was strolling through The Park when he encountered a pair of adult Humans carrying a picnic basket. The site alleges that Struts “willingly” accepted an offer of food from the basket.

“This did not appear to be a case of coercion,” headsNtales co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo said in an interview on CLucK Radio this morning.

“From what we can tell, Struts was free to decline, but he chose not to.”

While Guacamayo claims the gossip site is in possession of photographs that prove the story, no hard evidence has appeared on the site since the original story was posted on Saturday.

If, in fact, it can be proven that Struts accepted the food, he could be found in violation of Section III.iv.vii of The Park’s Employee Conduct Act, which stipulates that no Animal currently employed by any branch of The Park’s government “shall request or accept from any Animal any form of remuneration, including currency, food, shelter, entertainment or other, inside or outside The Park.”

On This Day—October 5, 2015: TMD managing editor may bow to pressure on bylines: rumour

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Extra! Extra!Mammalian Daily managing editor Orphea Haas may be about to bow to pressure from rival Park media outlets to publish journalists’ names above their news reports.

According to a post on the gossip web site headsNtales, Haas has received counsel on the matter from a number of sources, including Nathan DiPressa, Executive Director of the Association of Non-Mammalian Park Newspapers (ANMPN).

In a Friday post, one of the web site’s “reporters” claims to have seen DiPressa leaving TMD headquarters late last Tuesday. DiPressa’s office refused to confirm the meeting, but an anonymous source at The Canary Courier said it was the third time in the last two weeks that DiPressa had been seen exiting the building.

For decades now, the newspaper has successfully defended its longstanding policy of keeping journalists’ names—and more importantly, their species—out of the paper. But that policy has gotten increasing attention in the last few years, with other media organizations demanding the same amount of transparency from The Mammalian Daily that they themselves are obliged to offer their audience.

At a print media conference held in August at the University of West Terrier’s Cuthbert School of Journalism, the number one issue for attendees was transparency.

“The era of anonymous reporting is over. If you are hiding your journalists’ identities, you are hiding their biases, and you are not being forthright with your readers,” DiPressa said at the time.

Even some who supported the policy in the past appear to have changed course with the passage of time.

UWT Professor Ludwiga Saimiri, who had praised The Mammalian Daily’s policy as recently as last year, appears to have had a change of heart.

As a guest on the Yannis Tavros show last week, the distinguished scholar and former director of the Centre for the Incorporation and Integration of Interspecial Values in Journalism (CIIIVJ) said the time had come for TMD to embrace transparency.

“Zoocracy and its attendant openness require it and I no longer see any harm in knowing the species of those who bring us the news,” she said. “The Mammalian Daily may be coming late to the party, but it’s one I believe they should make an effort to attend.”

On this Day—August 24, 2015: Noreen in talks with TMD to curate new section of newspaper: gossip site

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headsNtalesAccording to the gossip site headsNtales, Noreen is presently in negotiations with The Mammalian Daily to expand her rôle with the paper beyond that of dispensing advice.

In a post dated yesterday, the site claims that the advice columnist, best-selling author, and adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier has pitched the idea of creating and curating a new section of the newspaper called, “The Righteous Among the Humans.” The new section would shine a light on Humans who have done good works for Animals.

“Let’s face it; it would be a natural fit for Noreen,” says headsNtales co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo.

“Given that she’s spent her whole life studying Humans, both informally and formally… and add to that her newspaper and academic credentials…who better to do this sort of work than Noreen? I think it’s a brilliant idea and only Noreen could have thought it up!” she says.

Although no formal announcement has been made by the newspaper, Mammalian Daily managing editor Orphea Haas has been known as a champion of Noreen ever since she brought her to the paper over fifteen years ago.

“Haas encouraged Noreen from the get-go and she’s blossomed into a very powerful force in The Park. I can’t imagine her denying Noreen’s request. This new rôle will be good for her [Noreen] and for all of us,” Guacamayo says.

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