The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

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OTD in 2017—DWBS confirms detailed map of Park found outside official boundaries

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map-of-parkThe Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has confirmed that a map of The Park has been found outside our official boundaries.

In a short statement issued this morning, the department confirmed that a map of The Park that shows the location of some of our government institutions and businesses was found on the ground outside the western border.

According to the statement, the department was advised of the map’s existence early this month by Park police, who said a citizen who encountered it while travelling outside The Park surrendered it to them.

The map is not an official Park map, but one that the department believes was drawn by a Human who had visited The Park or had some knowledge of it.

Cornelius Kakapo, director of public relations for the DWBS, has confirmed to The Mammalian Daily that the department will hold a press conference this coming week to discuss the details and possible ramifications of the situation.

OTD in 2015—Look what’s coming up!

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Put this on your calendarThere are some big events coming up in the Spring. Put these on your calendar for the next few weeks:

March 29: The Park’s semi-annual “Shakeoff”
“If you have a coat, share it with those who don’t.”
Formerly the “Shake for Charity,” this semi-annual event aids those who have no coat. The Shakeoff also offers free grooming and refreshments to participants.

March 30: Tulip season
Yes, it’s that time of year already. But if you’re not yet prepared, stay tuned to The Mammalian Daily for some helpful tips in locating your favourite Springtime bulbs.

April 8-10: The Broop ‘n Miaow’s annual “Broopee Days”
Are you a Broopee? We’re all Broopees during the Broop ‘n Miaow’s annual Broopee Days! Try the super-specials in April and don’t forget the instant win contests!

April 15: Footpad Heaven Clearance Sale
Don’t be a slave to style! Even though it may be last year’s stock, FH’s Toepads, Footpads and other clearance accoutrement are brand new. Indulge yourself at half the price!

OTD in 2014—Prediction’s accuracy “bittersweet for me,” says 2014 POPS Solange Marmotte

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Solange Marmotte

Solange Marmotte,
2014 POPS

MAMMALIAN DAILY EXCLUSIVE

It’s been almost seven weeks since Groundhog Day, when Solange Marmotte, 2014 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), emerged from her burrow, saw her shadow, and predicted six more weeks of Winter.

With temperatures hovering well below the freezing mark and Spring expected to arrive a month late, it would appear that Marmotte’s prediction was accurate. In fact, according to the Park Weather Office, it is the most accurate prediction made by a POPS since 2007.

That ought to make Marmotte a happy Mammal, but that is not what our reporter found when he accepted her invitation to join her for lunch yesterday at her burrow.

Marmotte, whose prediction is the subject of a lawsuit, appeared tired and even a bit distraught when she greeted our reporter at the entrance to her burrow.

At 9 years of age, she is one of the oldest Animals to hold the position of POPS, but she is in excellent health and maintains a positive outlook. Still, it is apparent that the lawsuit, in combination with this year’s truncated hibernation period, has taken its toll.

“It’s true,” says Marmotte, as she ushers her guest into the burrow. 

“It was an accurate prediction and I never doubted that for a moment,” she asserts.

“Those who said I saw a shadow that was not my own…they don’t know me. I couldn’t make that mistake. I knew what I was seeing and I knew that I had to be honest about it. As everyone knows, there is a lot of pressure on the POPS…I’m not saying that any POPS has succumbed to it, but there is pressure. And, yes, I was feeling it. It had already been a long, hard Winter and we were all hoping that it would end soon. But that was not to be and I saw that as soon as I emerged,” she says.

Marmotte contends she is not completely surprised that her prediction was challenged, but she was taken aback by the vehemence with which the challenge was pursued. And neither the accuracy of the prediction nor the accolades she’s received from the Park Weather Office can make up for the nagging feeling that she’s been betrayed.

“It doesn’t feel like a victory to me…or even a vindication. For me, it is bittersweet,” she says.

OTD in 2017—Millicent Hayberry to direct herself in second Colocolo mystery

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MillicentHayberry Actress Millicent Hayberry will direct herself in the upcoming Gianfranco Colocolo mystery, Aracari, The Burrow Theatre announced today.

The mystery is the second in a series written for the stage by Colocolo, who is best known for his award-winning thriller, Murder at the Fishbowl. Last April, the first play in the series, Godwit, opened to rave reviews and continued its successful run until late October, when it closed to allow Hayberry to campaign full-time for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (an election she lost to Ditmar Bosmarmot).

This is the first time that Hayberry has directed. Best known for her portrayal of author Imogen Aardeekhoorn in both the stage and screen productions of Mixed Nuts, Hayberry has said that acting was her first love, but that she’d seriously considered trying other art forms, such as writing and directing.

“It should come as no surprise to anyone who knows Millicent that she would eventually go into directing,” Jean-Luc Briard, who directed Godwit, said in an interview in Misterio, The Park’s mystery writers’ magazine. “Her personality lends itself to directing. She likes to be in control at all times, but she is also a deep thinker and keenly aware of others’ feelings and motivations. These qualities make a superb director.”

Aracari previews will begin at The Burrow Theatre at the end of April. A gala opening performance will be held in May.

OTD in 2017—Archons hunt for new Finance Office head to defund tourism, trade: rumour

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3280_smiled_wolf_business_man_holding_cashPark Finance Office (PFO) head Valentina Abeja’s days may be numbered.

According to a post on the gossip site headsNtales, Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu is “not pleased” with some of the terms of Abeja’s past budgets.

In the post dated today, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo quotes a conversation she claims to have had with a Park Finance Office employee, who says that Abeja has been under pressure since January to produce a budget that will defund tourism and extra-hortulanial trade (trade with those living outside The Park).

According to Guacamayo’s source, Abeja has resisted, even though she herself reduced the funding for both in her last budget.

“Abeja does not believe in isolating The Park,” Guacamayo says the source told her. But her resistance may prove futile because, according to the source, Kuttu has begun a search for a new PFO head who will follow her orders.

If these rumours are true, this will be the first time in Park history that a Chief Archon has interfered with a budget prior to its release. It’s been customary for the PFO head to prepare a budget and then for the Archons en masse to approve it, to request changes, or to send it back.

According to Park historian and professor Beatrice Zilonis, this action, if true, is unprecedented. And dangerous.

“We have never seen so much direct contact with the PFO head prior to a budget,” she told The Mammalian Daily.

Zilonis says that while there has always been some tension between the PFO head and the Archons, the Archons have never given direct orders to the PFO.

“It’s unheard of,” she said. “Since it’s the Archons who’ve appointed the PFO head, they’ve usually been on the same page. The budget has always been tweaked, either because of the Archons’ desires or the citizens’, but never at this stage. If this is true, this constitutes overreach on the part of the Archons, in my opinion,” she said.

OTD in 2017—Score one for Rotte: March’s Stereotype Sunday theme will be Rodents

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GunnarScore one for Gunnar Rotte,

The beleaguered Rodent Commoner reporter and part-time counsellor at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic (currently on leave), has been campaigning for years to get us to focus on the plight of the Rodent population—both inside and outside The Park—and the damage caused by the “traumatic narrative” on which his species is raised.

After a string of attempts to have the Archons and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) declare an official “Rodents’ Day,” Rotte has finally succeeded in getting our attention, albeit on a different stage than he’d planned.

Despite that, he says he is seeing it as a win and a first step toward the “enlightenment of other Park species.”

“My campaign—if that’s what you want to call it—has been misrepresented as one that says, ‘Rodents first.’ That’s nonsense. I would more accurately portray it as, “Rodents, too,’ ” he said in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

Rotte, who says he hopes next Sunday’s event will be only the first of many, told host Cornelio Orsetto that he had “many irons in the fire and many surprises to unleash” in the coming months. He also confirmed rumours that he would be returning to work at the Extinction Anxiety Clinic in May.

“My work there is some of the most important that I’ve ever done,” he said.

OTD in 2017—Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic “diminished” by concept of openness: former director

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2012 Toe-Hair contest winner Seymour K. Worthington Polar Bear will serve as head judge of this year's contest, a little more than a month after organizing the Polar Bear's Poetry PicnicThe annual Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic has lost its way, says its former director.

Seymour K. Worthington Polar Bear, who was the chief organizer of the popular celebration from 2013-2015, says the picnic is being “led astray” by the “concept of openness” and the participation of non-poets and artists from other media and genres.

In an interview with Yannis Tavros on Toro Talk Radio yesterday, Worthington Polar Bear complained that the inclusion this year of short plays, face-painting, and acrobatics, will “diminish” the event and cloud the purpose of it, which was to celebrate the genre of poetry.

“It was established as a pure event, an event of pure poetry,” Worthington Polar Bear said. “Now, they’ve muddied the waters and it’s hard to tell what it is.”

While he stopped short of explicitly criticizing Kumaglak Nanuq Polar Bear, the event’s new organizer, Worthington Polar Bear took a direct hit at what he called “the forces of inclusion” and “the push to appeal to all species.”

“There is a reason this event was established by Polar Bears,” he told Tavros. “Polar Bears have a long and proud history as poets and as a species that appreciates poetry. Not all species are interested in poetry and that’s fine. But must we water down the genre in order to appeal to them? Surely we needn’t fill in all the lakes and ponds because some of us can’t swim,” he said.

Worthington Polar Bear was also critical of the event’s recent attempts to make itself appealing to The Park’s younger citizens.

“I believe strongly in exposing our young to the arts, not of exposing the arts to our young,” he said.

OTD in 2017—Pressure mounts as Month Without Metaphor executive committee meets

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Month Without Metaphor borderThe executive committee of Park media’s annual Month Without Metaphor will meet this afternoon, as pressure mounts to replace Alvin Tinamou as chief organizer and director.

The publisher of The Avian Messenger, who was one of the event’s founders, has been on leave since last September, after he suffered the trauma of the theft of his nest and the loss of his and his mate Adela’s eggs.

According to the agenda for the meeting, the possibility exists for not only naming a new director but for splitting the duties that Tinamou performed over the past three years. New positions might include social media director, publicity agent, and outreach manager.

Among those under consideration for the position of director are Nathan R. DiPressa, Editor-in-Chief of The Reptile Register and Executive Director of the Association of Non-Mammlian Park Newspapers (ANMPN), Senior Finance Reporter Antoinette Anhima of The Avian Messenger, Tarrance Turkey, Deputy News Editor at The Galliforme Gazette and an ANMPN founding member, Fannia di Volo, former Editor-in-Chief of The Insect Intelligencer (now The Serangga Star Adviser) and Priscilla Weevil, current Editor-in-Chief of The Serangga Star Adviser.

According to the agenda, the meeting will begin with a tribute to Tinamou, who declined the invitation to attend the afternoon gathering.

OTD in 0215—Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic will be held on Sunday, March 22: organizers

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Polar Bears' Poetry Picnic

Annual event will be held a day earlier

The 2015 Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic will be held on Sunday March 22, one day earlier than previously scheduled.

The announcement of the change in date, which came fittingly in the form of a poem, was carried on all Park media this morning:

Hear ye, hear ye, one and all
Spring’s almost sprung, the ice almost thawed!
By this announcement, please be advised
Our Poetry Picnic’s date has been revised.
Poems will be read, recited, and sung
Seven days from now, less just one
We hope this change will find you all
Ready to answer poetry’s call.

See you there on Sunday March 22nd!

While the event’s organizers cited a better weather forecast as the reason for the change, Seymour K. Worthington Polar Bear said in a brief interview on Mammalian Daily Radio that he thought it made more sense to schedule the event on a weekend.

The Polar Bear, who wraps up his three-year stint as the Picnic’s chief organizer this year, confirmed that he will be requesting a permanent change in the date at his next meeting with the Archons.

“Despite the fact that Park Animals have always lived on a 24/7 schedule, they do seem a bit more relaxed on the weekend,” he told TMD Radio. “For this reason, I will be requesting that we designate the third Sunday in March as the Picnic day, instead of the date of March 23.”

The event, which is in its 20th year, will begin at 10:00 a.m. Park time on Sunday, March 22.

OTD in 2018—Is your spell check software specist?

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As Park residents continue to embrace Human-made technology (HMT), experts have voiced concern about its psychological effects on Animals.

At a two-day conference at the University of West Terrier this past week, faculty members from the Torgeir School of Information Technology and the Departments of Psychology and Interspecial Studies discussed a variety of problems related specifically to language found in software used for word processing, texting, and email.

“The problem with much of the software, particularly with tools such as spell check and autocorrect, is that it still is not configured to deal with many of the nuances of Animal life,” technology expert Llewellyn Fox told the conference attendees.

Fox is an adjunct professor of technology at the University of West Terrier and president of the computer consulting company Quick Brown Fox Technologies, S.A.

Citing examples from his bestselling book, “The Lazy Dog’s Guide to Technology,” Fox lamented the dearth of Animal-appropriate software and laid the blame for many of our youth’s problems—including low self-esteem—on the species that developed it.

“The problem is that certain features of the applications, which have been designed by and for Humans, are what he termed “Humano-centric.”

“Their core functions appear to be trans-special,” he emphasized, “and, as such, they are easy for the average Animal to use, but this is deceiving.” The trouble occurs, he said, when some of the applications’ tools are used.

As an example, Fox pointed to what he considers a glitch in spell check and autocorrect, tools that are used in word processing and, more importantly, in texting and email functions: “No matter what species you key in, the word processor supplies the initial letter in the lower case. This, as we know, is the grammar of Humans, but it is not the grammar of Animals.”

“Some Animals might not see this as anything more than a nuisance,” he admitted. And, of course, the software can be set to change a lower case Animal name to an upper case one manually.

But the problem is less a practical one and more a matter of attitude, he told the academic gathering. And his colleagues seemed to agree.

“It’s not just a matter of a capital letter here or there. This is but one small example. Our young are now being raised on this software, and already they’ve started to write the way Humans do—partly because it takes less effort to let the software dictate the way you express yourself.”

Additional areas of concern that Fox discussed at the gathering were the dictionary and several other language tools. These functions, he said, provide the user’s vocabulary.

“It’s not so much a problem with the words that the software does supply,” he emphasized. “My complaint is that Animals are likely to be told by this software that the words they key in—that they use in everyday speech and writing—do not exist.”

Fox is not alone in being wary of Human software. Several newspapers in The Park, including The Mammalian Daily, have successfully negotiated with software companies to offer a choice of different Animal dictionaries in their word processing software. But not all Animals are even aware they have a choice.

“We tend to use what’s put in front of us and that soon becomes the norm. It becomes all that we know,” Fox said.

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