Satirical fiction in newspaper form
The popular Park mystery novel, Murder at the Fishbowl, is to become a feature film, according to the book’s publisher.
Momoko Yamaneko, Editor-in-Chief of Prionailurus Press, S.A. confirmed in an email this morning that Bitter Litter Pictures has purchased the film rights from the book’s author. No other details have been revealed.
The novel, which debuted at The Park’s Feline Fiction Fest in 25 AZ (2007), is scheduled to be released in softshell by the publisher in September.
PASS says the stampede was a logical outcome of changing times
The Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) released its report today on the May 31 stampede at Tallulah’s Toilettage.
The report chronicles the events before and after the stampede occurred. It also offers a list of recommendations that are the result of a series of meetings held by Association members in the wake of the tragedy that injured 68 Animals and resulted in the arrest of 35 others.
At a public event held this afternoon, owners of some of The Park’s grooming houses spoke candidly to attendees about their findings.
Amoltrud Poedel, owner of Amoltrud’s Aesthetics, said she wasn’t surprised by the May stampede; indeed, she had predicted such a thing would happen eventually.
“Times have changed in so many ways,” she explained.
“In the old days, we all did our own grooming, we procured our own food and we built our own dwellings. Now, we look to others to do those things for us. It’s part of a major shift in Animal life and so, unfortunately, was the stampede. Park life is not as it once was and we must learn to adapt to that reality,” Poedel said.
Poedel also cited the added stress of the moulting season and what she called “a growing jealousy in certain species” as contributing factors.
Tallulah of Tallulah’s Toilettage, the grooming house at which the stampede occurred, said a shortage of workers skilled in proper grooming techniques was partly to blame for the incident.
“Most owners dream of having their businesses grow by leaps and bounds. But we have been overrun [by customers]. The need for grooming services in The Park has grown beyond our collective ability to fulfill it. And, as a result, some species feel hard done by, especially when their appointments have been put off for a day or two. When their anger comes to a head, that’s when we see this kind of behaviour,” she said.
Do you have a ticket to the Barkettes’ free concert at the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond on Sunday?
Did you know the Tartan Crab?
If you or your family or friends knew the Tartan Crab and have any artefacts or memorabilia associated with the Tartan Crab, the Barkettes we would like you to bring it with you to their free concert on Sunday.
The following invitation was issued late this evening directly by Thisbe and the Barkettes:
Although the Tartan Crab was by no means a celebrity, to many in The Park he was a great friend and loyal family member. In addition to performing our free concert on Sunday, would like to honour his life by remembering him as he was from his birth to his untimely death.
We are, therefore, inviting all who knew the Tartan Crab and who have anything associated with him, such as pictures, his signature on a greeting card, or any of his possessions, to bring whatever you can to the concert and to participate in a pop-up memorial display. The display will be open for public viewing from 6:00 p.m., throughout the concert, and for one hour after the concert concludes.
Volunteers from the Park Historical Society will be on hand to aid you in adding your contributions to the memorial display. If you wish to participate, please arrive at the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond at 4:30 p.m. and report to the reception desk that will be set up to receive artefacts. Rest assured that your possessions will be securely handled and guarded throughout.
Thank you. We look forward to seeing you and sharing your memories.
Thisbe and the Barkettes
A member of the BlueBird Guard sits atop the Maple Tree stump, where mourners have placed flowers.
The Maple Tree found hacked eight days ago has died, according to Park Police.
In a brief statement issued this morning, Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) said the Tree died at 11:07 last night. The death certificate has been signed by the Tree doctor who had attended the Tree since it was discovered on the morning of July 16.
“Our thoughts are with all Trees in The Park and with Jerzy Szop, who has been rendered homeless by this heinous act,” the statement said.
Inspector Addax also confirmed that the search for AnonyMoose, who has claimed responsibility for the hacking, is “active.”
“We are committing as many of our resources as possible to finding and apprehending AnonyMoose,” the inspector said in a short radio interview.
Meanwhile, mourners have begun to place flowers on the Tree stump and Park Police have sent a member of their elite BlueBird Guard to watch over the stump until it is removed on the weekend.
The power is in the understatements in “Mixed Nuts,” the compelling one-Chipmunk drama that opened for a short time in Alepou (November) and is scheduled for a return engagement this Barnabus (February) at the Park Repertory Theatre.
This should come as no surprise, given that the author is Imogen Aardeekhoorn, who has adapted her now famous chronicles for the stage. Understatement is the hallmark of Chipmunk literature and Aardeekhoorn ranks among the best of her species, drawing on the tradition as if she were sucking sand from a straw. Take, for example, the line with which she concludes the story of her harrowing escape from a trap that was set in the backyard of a house outside The Park: “It wasn’t my time.”
A lesser writer might say more but Aardeekhoorn, played by the lovely and lively Millicent Hayberry, need not explain. We know, from the get-go, how she will react to the many challenges of modern Chipmunk life. We are also privileged to be her confidantes as she lays bare her feelings about herself, her ancestors, and her species as a whole, in this deeply personal account that lasts only sixty-five minutes but sweeps across the terrain of some fifty generations.
The struggle of Park Chipmunks has not gone uncharted; as a founding family, they have experienced the best and the worst of The Park. But it is a rare occasion on which a member of this secretive species speaks openly about the struggle for survival, the trials of colonial life, and the emotional burden that is placed on a generation born and raised in a world unfamiliar to its parents.
The strength of the piece lies in this rarity; the operative word here is “speak.” Having read the original chronicles in hardshell, I wondered whether Aardeekhoorn’s voice could translate faithfully to the stage. I needn’t have worried; a seasoned performer such as Millicent Hayberry could not do otherwise but bring authenticity to the rôle. She does so brilliantly, all the while infusing it with an “everyAnimal” sensibility that draws us closer to her with every revelation.
And it is here that Hayberry reveals the full range of her dramatic and vocal artistry. Few of the “great secrets” that she is given to impart are, in fact, unknown to the audience. Aardeekhoorn’s life is legendary in The Park; the secrets of this “twitching teller of tales” are, at once, shocking, familiar, and predictable. Yet, in mining the depths of her own emotions, Hayberry conveys Aardeekhoorn’s own sense of shock and dismay and jolts the audience out of its complacency. No longer predictable, she disarms and charms her captive audience for the full sixty-five minutes. It is a performance well worth studying for her technique alone.
A good deal of credit for the play’s vigour must go to director Donald Merriami, whose fluid style marries well with Hayberry’s vocal dynamism. Praise must also go to set designer, Roland Xerus, whose faux burrow is exquisitely lit by Constantine Lampris, and to costume designer, Oberon Pavo, whose “over-the-top” stripes add an extra dimension to the drama.
MIXED NUTS
By Imogen Aardeekhoorn, based upon her chronicles; directed by Donald Merriami; sets by Roland Xerus; costumes by Oberon Pavo; lighting by Constantine Lampris; sound by Marit Chauna; production stage manager, Burkhard Shepherd; associate director, A.S. Tami. Presented by Hudson Meerkat and Anthony Abert, executive producers. At the Park Repertory Theatre, 2-13 Alepou (returning 14 Barnabus-32 Varrah). Running time: 65 minutes.
This article originally appeared in Issue #117 of The Mammalian Daily
Insect Intelligencer reporter ZeeZee Legy
The Insect Intelligencer has confirmed that reporter, ZeeZee Legy, has been held for questioning outside The Park in connection with the death of a Human late last night. The dead Human, whose name has not yet been released by law enforcement, was one of two who suffered injuries last week. The other was released from hospital three days ago.
In a statement released early this morning, The Intelligencer’s editor-in-chief, Fannia di Volo, expressed her deepest sympathies for the family of the fallen Human and pledged the paper’s “full cooperation” in any investigation into the circumstances surrounding his death.
Reports claim that the two Humans fell ill suddenly outside their homes and were rushed to hospital. Witnesses at the scene told police that five of the Intelligencer’s reporters were “hovering around” at the time and that at least two of them “had their probosces resting” on the Humans’ arms.
The five reporters fled the scene but were arrested inside The Park within hours of their return. Only Legy remained outside The Park, where it was reported he had been visiting family while on vacation from the newspaper.
Legy, along with the other five reporters, work exclusively on the Intelligencer’s daily Fly on the Wall feature. After the arrest of the five reporters, the newspaper’s publishers made the decision to cease publication temporarily. The reporters were to have been formally charged on July 18, but a backlog in The Park’s court system has caused a delay in the matter.
Will you be one of the lucky ones?
The winners of the lottery for tickets to the Barkettes’ free concert at the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond will be announced tomorrow.
In a joint statement released this morning, the promoter, Iglu Entertainment, and the group’s manager, Hilde Blaft, confirmed that the winners will be selected in a live presentation that will be held outside the law courts and broadcast on a number of Park television stations.
The statement also confirmed that Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon will preside over the selection process but will not personally handle any of the ticket requests.
The presentation will begin at 11:00 in the morning. According to the concert’s organizers, there are 20,000 tickets up for grabs, including direct skyview tickets. There are also at least 2,000 underwater spaces available.
The free concert will honour the memory of the Tartan Crab, the victim of The Park’s most famous unsolved murder. The Crab, who was Nestor’s pet, was brutally murdered eight years ago and Police still have no idea of the identity of the crime’s perpetrator.
The July 26 concert, which begins at 8:00 p.m., is the only free event announced thus far in Thisbe and the Barkettes’ Bring Your Own Bone Tour. The Park leg of the tour will wrap up at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre in August.
And the survey says: GoUnderground.
The Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) announced the results of its consumer survey today and the venerable hibernation outfitter has won the title of “most hospitable Park shop.”
At a short ceremony this morning, PASS president Wellington Whistlepig affixed a plaque to the shop’s façade as he congratulated Director of Sales, Nafari Bongo, on the honour.
“We are so pleased that one of the Park’s oldest shops is also the best in customer service,” Whistlepig said.
For his part, Bongo was quick to credit his employees with making hibernation shopping an enjoyable experience.
“We have a great team here and we work hard to make our customers happy,” he said. “We are all committed to responding to the needs of modern hibernators and estivators and we are always on the lookout for the newest and best items to ease our customers’ burden.”
Bongo singled out Hieronymous Hedgehog for praise, as well. Last year, the Hedgehog became the shop’s spokesAnimal as well as The Park’s Official Hibernation Ambassador.
“Hieronymous has done a fabulous job, and not only for our customers. As the face of hibernation, he’s been able to educate non-hibernators and foster understanding among different species. We are truly lucky to have him working for us,” he said.
Sighs matter!
Such is the opinion of researchers at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, after they analyzed data from three extensive surveys of Animal morbidity and mortality.
The team of investigators, whose medical specialties include cardiology, trichology, neurology, and gastroenterology, examined the health outcomes of twenty-eight species of Animals in The Park. The results of the retrospective study will appear in their entirety this Autumn in the prestigious journal, Sanitas.
“This study is the first of its kind to examine sighs as a marker for disease,” said Dr. Adelaide Antelope, who heads the group of researchers.
A total number of four hundred and twenty-five Animals participated in the surveys, which were conducted at UWT over a fifteen-year period. Although previous generations of physicians believed sighs to be of diagnostic and prognostic significance, that theory had fallen out of fashion by the year 8 AZ.
“Even though we continued to note sighs in the history-taking,” Dr. Antelope said, “the significance was more as an attendant behaviour rather than as a sign of more serious disease.”
According to Dr. Yazmina Yak, a senior member of the research team, sighs became an issue in the study when one particular investigator noted the frequency with which the term, “idiopathic exhalation” was used in the description of the mental state of patients who were found to suffer from serious illness.
Also among the group’s findings Dr. Antelope says, is a correlation between sighing and dying (see Figure 1 below).
“When we took a closer look at the outcomes of the sighers, we were astonished by what appeared to be an almost direct relationship,” he said.
Indeed, the study showed that Animals who presented with sighs and at least two other disease symptoms stood a seventy-two per cent greater chance of having an illness that could trigger death.
That statistic alone, says the research group, is enough to make any Animal sigh.
Celebrity Park chef and successful restaurateur Tab Tricolore announced today that he has established a new event in The Park: The Feral Roots Festival.
At a press conference this morning, during which wait staff from Tricolore’s restaurants offered tasty morsels to the press, the chef and award-winning cookbook author said he’d been working on the idea for a long time but finally found the “right recipe” for it this year.
Standing alongside his friend and former saucier Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla, who will be in charge of food sourcing for the event, Tricolore said he’d consulted with many food providers and other Park chefs before making the final decision to run the festival.
“I want to emphasize that this is a team effort. It’s not something I’m doing to promote myself,” he said.
The festival, he told the crowd, will celebrate “not just the food of our very beginnings, but the music, the art, the poetry and the dance. It will be an extravagant celebration of the feral world.”
Tricolore who won the Chitter Radio Literary Awards in 2013 for his cookbook, “The Feral Roots of our Festive Cuisine,” has been a controversial figure in The Park, gaining the epithet “Bad Boy Chef” for his behaviour toward other Animals, including his staff and the patrons of his restaurants. Nevertheless, he is a beloved figure and a revered champion of the feral world.
“They write a lot about the feral world, but what they don’t write about is the good part,” he told The Mammalian Daily in a three-part interview in 2012.
Tricolore is determined to highlight that “good part” every year in the new festival.
The first Feral Roots Festival will take place in July 2017.
