The Mammalian Daily

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Humans implicated in Data Tree hacking: investigators

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tree hacked

Humans may have been involved in April’s Data Tree hacking

Humans may have been involved in the April hacking of one of The Park’s largest Data Trees.

At a press conference held this morning, C. Astrid H. Ant, Head of The Park’s Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS), confirmed that members of her team had witnessed a scene that some now see as foreshadowing the events of April 9.

“Some members of my team, while at work on a different case, witnessed a scene that we now see as suspicious and could well have been related to the hacking,” Ant said.

“On the morning of March 31, a group of Humans arrived in a small open truck and stopped at the Oak Tree. My team reports that two male Humans exited the vehicle while a third, the driver, continued driving until he stopped at the edge of The Park. The two male Humans stood staring at the Tree, examining its trunk and taking measurements of it. This went on for approximately five minutes, after which the two in question went to join the driver in the truck.”

According to Ant, her team members lost sight of the Humans after they joined their driver and they have not seen them since. Ant could not confirm whether the small truck carried weapons of arboreal destruction (WAD).

Ant was joined at the press conference by Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU), who said Park Police had taken the ASIS team’s statement and were working some other leads together with Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU).

Fowl Ball fever takes hold of Park

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Fowl Ball

The Park has Fowl Ball fever!

No, we are not using the word “fever” metaphorically (at least not in May).

Our medical experts at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm tell us that a rapid heart beat can, indeed, raise the body’s temperature. And a rapid heart beat is what many are experiencing these days, in anticipation of the Fowl Ball, which has been billed as “the event of the year, every year from now on.”

And, though the phrase “take hold” may be considered metaphorical, we thought it was worth committing this transgression against May’s Month Without Metaphor in order to keep you informed of the progress of preparations for the newest event in support of The Park’s Avian community.

“Everything is going smoothly, so far, and the weather looks perfect for the Ball,” says Rafael Ortega, one of the event’s organizers. Ortega, who has become the de facto spokesBird for the gala, confirms that tickets sold out “within hours” of going on sale.

“Just with those funds alone, we are well ahead of our goal,” he says. But there is much more to the Ball than fundraising, Ortega emphasizes.

“We’re here to have a good time. There’s music, food, fun, we have seven auctions planned, hours and hours of dancing and playing. Our lineup of bands reads like a ‘Who’s Who’ of Park musicians; Park chefs have risen to the challenge, and I have every confidence that the Fowl Ball will be as we planned — the best of the best,” he says.

And, what advice would Ortega give to attendees at this point?

“Confirm your grooming appointment, sleep well the night before, plan to be up the whole night of the Ball and don’t book anything for the next day.”

Sage advice, we believe.

The Park’s first Fowl Ball will take place on Saturday, May 31.

Sheep fiddle as Barkettes sing: Anixi Agrarian Jubilee “glorious celebration”

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Sheep fiddling

Sheep fiddled as The Barkettes sang at the Anixi Agrarian Jubilee

The Sheep fiddled and the sun shone brightly in the clear blue sky, as Thisbe and the Barkettes ascended the stage at the 2014 Anixi Agrarian Jubilee.

“It was a glorious celebration and they made it all the more special,” said Miriam Wapiti, the celebration’s chief organizer, at a post-event party on Tuesday.

That sentiment was unanimous, as Animal after Animal remarked on the quality of Thisbe’s voice and on the special bond that was evident among the Barkettes.

Although the group declined formal interviews after their performance, saying that they wanted to enjoy the event “just like every other Animal,” it was clear they were pleased with both their performance and its reception in the place they say they will always call home.

“Music has always been our lives,” Thisbe said in a radio interview last week. “And The Park will always be our home. We are so thrilled to have the opportunity to be reunited at the Jubilee. I can’t think of a more appropriate place to relaunch our career than at our annual celebration of renewal.”

With that, she removed all doubt that we would soon be lining up for tickets to a Barkettes concert. But the group still has not announced any firm dates. “Stay tuned,” is all their manager will say.

In the meantime, the Barkettes were not the only musical sensations to perform on Tuesday. The Park marked the beginning of the growing season in style, with performances by The Beasts of Burden, Inktvis and Krake, The Feral Four, The Endeka Elephant Band, Eggie and The Pigs, Banded Brothers, The DomEstyx, NIML, The Canary Cousins, and Spontaneous Generation.

Park Museum puts out call for personal items related to domestication

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Park Museum

The Park Museum needs domestication-related items for its upcoming exhibit

The Park Museum has put out a call for items of a personal nature related to domestication and enforced domestication. The Museum says it requires such items for display in its upcoming exhibit marking Enforced Domestication Awareness Month.

In a statement posted on the Museum’s web site, the Board of Governors requested contributions from Park Animals of items such as collars, leashes, cages, carrying cases, feeding paraphernalia (including bowls, etc.), grooming tools, toys, and I.D. tags. The Museum intends to borrow the requested items and assures Animals that their belongings will be “treated with the utmost care and respect” and be returned to their owners at the conclusion of the exhibit.

Details of the exhibit have not yet been released, but a spokesAnimal for the Board of Governors said the requested items will be displayed in a section called, “Ways and Means.”

To read the Museum’s full statement, click here.

Park Museum to mark Enforced Domestication Awareness Month

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Park Museum

The Park Museum will open part of a ground floor wing to host an exhibit marking June’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month

The Park Museum, which is scheduled to open officially in the Autumn of 2014, has announced that it will use part of a ground floor wing to host an exhibit marking June’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month.

In a press statement released today, the Museum’s Board of Governors said the exhibit, which is tentatively entitled, “It Could Happen to You,” will open to the general public on June 1.

A Museum spokesAnimal confirmed that the Board of Governors decided to open the Museum ahead of time “because this is such an important issue.”

“The Board felt it was incumbent upon the Museum to take a stand in the face of the growing number of our citizens who have been taken. They felt they couldn’t wait another year, so they met with their construction advisers and that part of the Museum has been certified for safe use,” the spokesAnimal said.

The Museum does not plan to charge Park residents to visit the exhibit, the spokesAnimal confirmed.

Thisbe and The Barkettes to appear together at Anixi Agrarian Jubilee

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halcyondaysMAMMALIAN DAILY EXCLUSIVE

Thisbe and the Barkettes are planning to appear together on May 20 at the 2014 Anixi Agrarian Jubilee.

According to a source close to the popular singing group, the decision was made “in the last few days”  and “it was unanimous.”

The source, who spoke to The Mammalian Daily on condition of anonymity, said Thisbe has missed her audience over the past several years.

“While The Barkettes [Estelle, Lorraine, Carmen and Mercedes] have performed together on a number of occasions, Thisbe has not sung with them since 2007. Her health is still in a fragile state, but she says she now feels well enough to perform and she believes that getting back onstage will make her stronger,” the source said.

Though the source refused to comment on the reunion rumours posted recently on the gossip web site headsNtales, he did say that they have been in the studio in the past month “looking around” and they are contemplating a comeback recording.

Thisbe was last seen in public at the debut of “I Love a Man in a Collar,” Rauf Wiedersehen Shepherd’s documentary about the group that opened the 2012 Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF).

Toe-Hair Contest winners have “bright futures,” while losers struggle: study

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dog with gold medal and cupA week after The Park hosted its 19th annual Toe-Hair Contest, a new study out of the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine confirms what many have observed, but few will admit: winners of the unique competition go on to have, as one researcher put it, “bright futures,” while contest losers experience abnormally difficult struggles in their lives.

“It’s perplexing, but our numbers confirm our long-held suspicions, which were based on observation,” said the study’s head researcher, Dr. Chloris Cougar.

Cougar, who is best known for her groundbreaking study of Feline depression, “Even Miaowgirls Get the Blues,” says she sees a similarity between the feelings and behaviour displayed by Toe-Hair Contest losers and that of the subjects she studied some years ago, who suffered from Mating Dance Blues.

“I believe that, in both cases, the cause is partly due to the raising of expectations to a ridiculously high level. When this happens, obviously, the fall is far greater than it would be under normal circumstances,” Cougar says.

As for those few who do, in fact, win the contest, Cougar found their ongoing success isn’t necessarily linked to their toe-hairs or to any other physical attribute.

“As with all competitions, a win affects both the winner and those around the winner. The combination of winning, with the attendant boost in confidence, and being seen as a winner, is very potent. There is what we call a ‘spillover effect’ that causes others to view winners in a more positive light. And, so, win begets win, whether or not it is deserved,” Cougar says.

Park media outlets to tweet during May’s Month Without Metaphor

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MonthWM

Click on the image above to follow MonthWithoutMetaphor on Twitter

Those members of The Park’s media who have made a commitment to participating in May’s Month Without Metaphor will be tweeting throughout the month, according to a joint statement released yesterday.

The participants, the majority of whom work for The Park’s newspapers, magazines, and journals, said in the joint statement that they “look forward to experimenting with many different ways of expressing ourselves and discussing the events of the day.”

The statement also said that editors would be keeping a running tally, “so that we’ll be able to see which journals and journalists were best able to communicate without using metaphors.”

May’s Month Without Metaphor was developed to gauge the effectiveness of reporting the news “like it really is…no embellishments, no idiotic comparisons, no ridiculous painting of pictures for the reading public,” says Alvin Tinamou, publisher of The Avian Messenger and one of the organizers of the communications experiment.

“We think all this metaphorical reporting is obscuring those facts and distracting our readers’ attention from the important issues,” he said.

To follow Park media on Twitter during May, click on http://www.twitter.com/sansmetaphore

Park novelist’s unused titles to be auctioned off for charity

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Renowned Park writer

Beloved Park novelist Hentrick Olifant says he is planning to sell off all his unused novel titles.

It’s a veritable title wave!

Renowned Park novelist Hentrick Olifant announced that he is retiring from fiction writing and has decided to auction off all his unused titles.

In a short statement released today, Olifant thanked his readers for their many years of loyalty and said his plans for the future do not include novel writing.

“My days of writing fiction are over. With the years left to me, I would like to pursue other endeavours, including rest, but before I do so, I wish to thank my many readers for their loyalty. As you well know, my life in The Park predates zoocracy and should I decide at some point to resume writing, it would most likely be in the form of history or personal memoir,” the statement said.

Olifant is known as one of The Park’s most prolific writers and experts estimate that the number of titles put up for auction could be in the thousands.

“He is a great thinker as well as a great writer and I’m looking forward to seeing what comes up in the auction,” says Park historian Pieter Paaard.

Best known for his novel, Grasses, Leaves, Bamboo, Bark, which won the 2006  award for fiction at the Park Annual Literary Awards (now Chitter Radio Literary Awards), Olifant also served as a Park Archon in 27 AZ (2009).

According to his representatives, Olifant intends to donate all proceeds from the title auction to Park charities.

Catch a metaphor, win a prize: Mammalian Daily contest begins May 1

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MonthWithoutMetaphor

Click the image for a definition of “metaphor”

The Mammalian Daily is putting its money where its mouth is, so to speak.

So committed is this newspaper to the idea of Park media’s Month Without Metaphor, that our managing editor, Orphea Haas, is offering a reward to those able to catch any slip-ups that our writers make during the month of May.

“We respect our readers and we know they will be watching every move we make,” said Haas in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

“If they’re willing to spend their time scoping out our prose, we will be happy to reward them for finding any mistakes that we’ve made.”

Haas denied, however, that the paper intends to slip in the odd metaphor just to keep readers on their toes…and rewarded.

“It will be hard enough for us to accomplish a month of writing without using any metaphors,” she said. “I don’t think we have to worry about cheating our readers.”

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