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Cynics donate “Diamond in the Ruff” to Enforced Domestication Awareness

June 17, 2014 By TMD Music Critic

eatyourfood

“Diamond in the Ruff” donated to Enforced Domestication Awareness

Who would have thought we’d ever see the “softer side” of The Cynics?

Not this critic, who has followed the group’s career for the better part of a decade.

But, last night, at their third ever pop-up event (which the group prefers to call a “pouncer”), the four Canines displayed their unique brand of emotion and sincerity and it literally stunned the already surprised audience.

The short concert, which was held in front of The Park’s new gastropub, The Pound (of which The Cynics are part-owners), included a few of their hits, such as “walk don’t walk,” “eat your food,” and “S.I.T.” Once those were out of the way,  Luther “Droop” Dachshund, the group’s founder and lead singer, took the microphone to speak.

“We’ve been fighting enforced domestication for years, but there hasn’t been much movement on the issue until recently,” he said. “We want to do as much as we can to further awareness of domestication’s harsh reality and, to that end, we are donating all proceeds from our newest song to the cause of enforced domestication awareness.”

The reaction was predictably loud and after the cheers had died down, Dachshund introduced the last item on the day’s song list, a beautiful piece with a haunting melody and the saddest lyrics the Cynics have ever sung.

“Diamond in the Ruff” tells a familiar story: a Dog who’s lost his way and finds himself the chattel of a Human family, shuttled from Dog show to Dog show, wearing a diamond in his ruff. Fortunately, the Cynics have added a bit of hope at the end, in the form of an open door. We are left to assume the song’s main character runs for his life and, hopefully, finds a better one, perhaps in The Park.

As the concert ended, Dachshund confirmed the song’s official release date (June 28th) and thanked the crowd. With that, the group exited the scene, leaving a trail of tears and some hope for the future.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM), Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture

PASS calls for public inquiry into stampede at grooming house

June 16, 2014 By Bergrún Íkorna, TMD Business Reporter

tallulahstoilettage

PASS has called for a public inquiry into the grooming house stampede

The Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) has called for a public inquiry into the stampede that occurred at Tallulah’s Toilettage on May 31.

At a meeting held on Saturday June 14, members of the Association voted unanimously to recommend to the Archons that they institute a “full, free, and public investigation into the events that took place at Tallulah’s Toilettage on May 31.”[pullquote]We want Animals to realize that the security of the business community is at stake here.  – PASS president Wellington Whistlepig[/pullquote]

The Association also agreed that such a public investigation should seek input from Park Police, the Department of Well-Being and Safety and the Department of Holidays Festivals, and Celebrations, as well as from Animals resident in The Park.

“We wrote our recommendation in the strongest language possible, short of making it an outright demand,” said current PASS president Wellington Whistlepig at a media briefing this afternoon. 

“We want Animals to realize that the security of the business community is at stake here,” he said.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Park Life

“Phoebic Verses” odds-on favourite to win at Chitter Radio Literary Awards

June 14, 2014 By Aednat Eilifint, TMD Arts and Entertainment Reporter

Phoebic Verses

“Phoebic Verses” may win three literary prizes June 15

“Phoebic Verses,” The Park’s runaway best seller, could net its author a total of three prizes at tomorrow’s Chitter Radio Literary Awards.

“This is the first time a book of poetry has been entered in more than one category and we are elated,” says Kezban Aslan, manager of Kynikos Press, the book’s publisher.

In fact, the book itself has been nominated in only two categories; the third nomination is for the poet: 2014 breakout star, Phoebe, has a good chance of becoming this year’s Most Promising Newcomer.

But that is not what makes this year’s Awards extraordinary, according to the organizers. What does make it extraordinary is that a book of poetry has been nominated in the humour category.

“This is the the first time in our 19-year history that a book of poetry has received a nomination in the humour category,” said a spokesAnimal for the Awards.

According to Aslan, the book’s humour was one of the reasons Kynikos Press decided to publish it.

“We thought Phoebe’s poems offered a unique take on things and we wanted The Park’s readers to be able to experience it,” he said.

The book, which includes the poem, “Two Bones” has had a “wild ride,” since its publication in February, the publisher says.

“This is the year of Domestic Canine poetry and we’ve been riding that wave quite nicely,” Aslan said.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture

Police confirm officer among those injured in grooming house stampede

June 11, 2014 By TMD Crime Reporters

Stampede at Grooming House

One Park Police officer was injured at the grooming house stampede on May 31

BREAKING NEWS

Park Police confirmed today that one of their own was among the injured in the grooming house stampede on May 31.

At a press briefing outside their headquarters, a Police spokesAnimal confirmed reports that an officer had been taken to hospital after being attacked inside Tallulah’s Toilettage. The officer’s name was not released.

Gareth Shepherd, President of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW), also attended the briefing. He said the officer was unarmed when he entered the grooming house.

“He was one of the first to respond at the scene. He called for reinforcements but, for him, it was too late. He was attacked…allegedly by a mob of disgruntled grooming house patrons,” Shepherd said.

The stampede led to the arrest of 35 Animals, most of whom are believed to be regular customers of the grooming house. Of the Animals arrested, 32 were charged with at least one offence. Those charges included mischief, unprovoked violence, injury to the body of a Police officer, inciting a riot, and the overtaking of a common grooming house for other purposes. All 32 Animals are awaiting court dates.

Meanwhile, The Park’s business community has called a meeting for Saturday, June 14 to discuss plans to draft what Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), calls a “battle plan.”

Though he would reveal no specific details, Whistlepig said the meeting had already been scheduled when the stampede occurred.

“We had already seen that things were changing in The Park and we acknowledged that, as a group, we’d have to be prepared,” he said.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Park Life

Feline Fiction Fest to honour Nestor

June 10, 2014 By Aednat Eilifint, TMD Arts and Entertainment Reporter

Nestor B&W

The 2014 Feline Fiction Fest will honour the late Nestor P. Cat

Domestic Canine poetry may be all the rage these days, but the Feline Fiction Fest intends to honour one of its own this year: the late, great Park poet and renowned scientist, Nestor P. Cat.

In a statement released today, principal organizer Corazón Oncilla confirmed that the festival has planned an elaborate tribute to the much-beloved Park citizen.

The tribute, which will take place the evening of June 17th, will include a dinner, a reading of some of Nestor’s poetic works, a short film about his life, and the introduction of a poetry prize in his name to be awarded annually, starting with next year’s festival.

“Nestor was a very important Cat, not just in the world of poetry and science, but as a citizen of The Park. We are privileged to have the opportunity to honour him in this way,” Oncilla said.

Tickets for the tribute may be purchased at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre until June 17th.

The 16th annual Feline Fiction Fest will take place June 16-18.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture

Two years on, striped and spotted Animals see little economic progress

June 7, 2014 By Adelbert Mókus, TMD Financial Reporter

PFO figures released

New PFO figures show few changes for striped and spotted Animals

Two years ago, economic figures released by the Park Finance Office confirmed definitively that The Park’s striped and spotted Animals were having a more difficult time finding full-time employment than those who had coats of solid or mixed colours. Now, after the release of the PFO’s latest report, it appears that little has changed.

The statistics, which are known colloquially as the “Employment and Enjoyment Stats,” are collected annually by The Park’s Departments of Statistics and Records, Well-Being and Safety, and Employment and Economic Opportunity. They are used by the Finance Office and the governing Archons to aid them in assessing the Park’s social and economic progress. The reaction to today’s release was anger from a number of The Park’s citizen groups.

“This is an outrage,” said Aiofe Badger in a radio interview this morning. Badger, who is President of Sisters and Brothers of the Narrow Band is a vocal advocate of equal rights in The Park. His group is now calling for a full study of the situation, including a plan for its resolution.

“We knew things were bad, but we let ourselves believe we were making progress. Obviously, we were mistaken,” he said.

Keeva Moffatt, President of The Park’s Spotted Skunk Sedan Patrol, says she supports a full inquiry, but she also questions the accuracy of the figures.

“I actually think things are worse and, if I may say, worse even for the spotted than for the striped,” she says.

Former Chief Archon Dewi Rhinoceros, current Chair of the Board of Directors of the Centre for Interspecial Harmony, said she wasn’t surprised by the figures.

“Clearly, we haven’t done nearly enough,” she says. “‘Stereotype Sundays’ and the establishment of the Centre are only a beginning. We have to dig deeper to find the roots of this prejudice [against the striped and spotted] and figure out why it persists. That is our only hope,” she says.

See also:
Striped Animals not getting fair share of economic pie: study
“Stereotype Sundays” aim to foster harmony among species
Centre for Interspecial Harmony opens

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime

Commencement address links lack of education to enforced domestication

June 5, 2014 By Nienke Varken, TMD Education Reporter

UWT Coat of Arms

Catriona Cairn-Terrier gave the UWT commencement address

It has become so commonplace for the University of West Terrier’s annual commencement address to spark controversy that one might view it as a deliberate attempt to invent some kind of tradition.

Whether or not that is the case (and only time will tell), the 2014 commencement address given by Catriona Cairn-Terrier did not disappoint, at least in that sense.

Cairn-Terrier, who is listed among the “distinguished alumni” on UWT’s web site, used her position as Chief Archaeologist at the Institute for the Study of Mammalian Life (ISML) to make a strong statement in favour of higher education for all Animals.

Her opening remarks of congratulations to the graduating class introduced the somewhat unpopular idea that Park Animals might be more vulnerable to the idea of domestication, “if it appeared to them that the lives ahead of them were going to be difficult.”

Cairn-Terrier spoke in hushed tones about domestication, referring to it more than once as “slavery” and “the kind of life that looks appealing but [that] leads to misery and hopelessness and is, above all, wholly unnatural.”

Despite audible gasps from those in attendance, Cairn-Terrier continued in that vein for some time, extolling the virtues of institutional education to the point where some said they felt slighted by her and her interpretation of their lives. A few, who exited the ceremonies early, complained that the speech was not appropriate for the occasion.

“She may have had some good points and she may be onto something, but I didn’t appreciate being painted the way she painted me,” said Annabelle Kanga, whose daughter Juanita was in the 2014 graduating class.

“Of course I wanted to give her [Juanita] more opportunities than I had, but that doesn’t make me lesser or even more vulnerable to domestication. I think she should have kept those ideas to herself today and if she wanted to promote education, she should have just done that,” Kanga said.

Those who were more accepting of the speech said they weren’t surprised or put off by what Cairn-Terrier said.

“After all, June is Enforced Domestication Awareness Month,” said one attendee.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Education, Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM), Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime

Data Retrievers: Meet Park Police’s new partners in Tree hacking investigation

June 3, 2014 By TMD Crime Reporters

Data Retrievers

Tree hacking investigation update: Park Police have partnered with a private firm of Data Retrievers

BREAKING NEWS UPDATE

Park Police announced today that they have partnered with a private firm of data Retrievers to aid them in their investigation into April’s Data Tree hacking.

At a press conference held this morning, Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) confirmed that Park Police have engaged the services of AROO, a private data retrieval company, in the hopes of locating some of the data lost when the Tree was hacked.

“These are skilled data Retrievers,” Fossa said. “It is our hope that they will be able to sniff out some of the Tree’s lost data.”

Fossa stressed that this is an independent investigation and not connected to the one in which Police are already engaged.

“Whether or not we are ever able to ascertain the perpetrator of the crime and whether or not we are then able to bring that perpetrator to justice, we need to try to find the lost data. AROO has a solid history in data retrieval and we are confident that our partnership with them will bring results,” she said.

Some observers, though skeptical of the plan, point to The Park’s limitations when it comes to prosecuting Humans and others who live outside The Park. According to the Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS), Humans may, indeed, be responsible for the Tree hacking.

“As I have said in the past, it does not lie within our jurisdiction to prosecute Humans who reside outside The Park,” explained Fionnula L. Fox, professor of law at the University of West Terrier and a specialist in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park).

“For this reason, I applaud Park Police for making an effort to rectify the damage done in concert with attempting to find the perpetrator,” she said.

Sierpinski Squirrel said he was “cautiously optimistic” when informed of the plan. The Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners stands to gain the most from this new partnership, as his company stored the major part of its data in the Oak Tree that was hacked.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Park Life Tagged With: Data tree hacking, investigation, police

Fowl Ball shines light on Avian plight

June 2, 2014 By Elspeth Duper, TMD Social Events Reporter

Fowl Ball

Saturday’s Fowl Ball was successful in raising awareness as well as funds

Notwithstanding the unfortunate grooming house incident, Saturday’s first annual Fowl Ball was a great success, according to both organizers and attendees.

“We raised more funds than we ever thought possible,” said chief organizer Rafael Ortega at an after-party at his home.

“But I think where we did the best…and I would say we triumphed…was in raising awareness of the plight of our Avian community and of Avians in general,” he said.

Ortega, who spoke briefly at the Ball, credited his fellow organizers, the Ball’s dedicated contributors, and the “brilliant” musicians and other performers with making the event “five hundred times better than we ever could have imagined.”

Banded Brothers kicked things off with with a rousing rendition of “Surround Sound,” followed by their mega-hit, “ididitfortheband.” More music followed from The Tweeters and The Beasts of Burden, while Jargonhead demonstrated the reason he is so beloved in The Park.

A series of auctions punctuated the performances (there were seven auctions in all) and halfway through the evening, the stage was given over to a small group of Avian activists. They addressed the massive crowd of Animals, who were all decked out in their finery, clearly enjoying a good time.

“We certainly don’t want to bring you down,” they said, “but we want you to understand the reason you’re here.”

A short video, produced by the group, demonstrated the problems of the Avian community, particularly during migration.

“We try our best but the world is changing before our eyes and we can’t always see the danger ahead,” said Inez Gallina, president of Home to Roost, an group that offers aid to Avian immigrants. As she spoke, photographs of Birds who had been injured after they crashed into glass buildings flew across the screen, shocking many who had not realized the extent of Avian suffering.

But perhaps the most moving speech of the night was that of Philippe Sauvage, lead singer of the Feline band, The Feral Four. He spoke with sincerity and the depth of his emotion surprised the crowd.

“I harbour deep regret for the misery that my community has brought on the Avian community,” he said, as he promised to work for the good of all species in the future.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime

Stampede at grooming house leaves 68 Animals injured, 35 jailed

May 31, 2014 By TMD Crime Reporters

Stampede at Grooming House

Police arrested 35 Animals at the Tallulah’s Toilettage riot today

BREAKING NEWS

An early morning stampede at one of The Park’s leading grooming houses has left 68 Animals injured and sent 35 others to jail.

The scuffle broke out at approximately 6:00 a.m., when a herd of Bison stormed Tallulah’s Toilettage and demanded to be seen. According to a witness, the Bison were joined by a group of Bulls, Horses, Cats, and others. All are regular customers of the grooming house.

“They were angry because their appointments had been cancelled. They were put off until next week, in favour of those who had tickets to the Fowl Ball,” the witness said.

Groomer Amoltrud Poedel, whose shop, Amoltrud’s Aesthetics, has also been “overrun” by Fowl Ball attendees, said she thought that Tallulah’s had been targeted because it offers an exclusive service known as “Moulting Minimizers.”

“It’s the [moulting] season and, even though they broke the law, I feel for them. It’s unfortunate that the needs of Fowl Ball participants were seen to be more important than the needs of so many others. Perhaps this wasn’t the perfect time to schedule the Fowl Ball after all,” she said.

Park Police told The Mammalian Daily that the majority of the injured were taken by Elephant Emergency Brigade (EEB) to the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. The 35 Animals who were believed to be the instigators of the stampede, were detained at the scene and later taken to the Park Jail. They are to appear in court on Monday.

A Police spokesAnimal also confirmed that Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) and Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) have been assigned to the case.

“We think we may be seeing some interspecial tension at play here and if that is the case, we want to deal with it as soon as possible,” the spokesAnimal said.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Park Life

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