The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

DPA confirms significant decrease in Form 12 submissions

By

Form 12


The Park’s Department of Political Administration reports a decrease in the number of Animals using Form 12 to request exemption from January’s Archon lottery

The Park’s Department of Political Administration has reported a decrease of 17% in the number of Form 12 submissions this year.

“We are seeing this as a positive, even though we are not yet sure what accounts for the decrease,” said DPA spokesAnimal Antoinette Fourmi.

“Either it signals an increased willingness by Park Animals to participate in their government or it is a consequence of a shift in population numbers. Naturally, we hope the former is the case,” she said at a press conference this morning.

Form 12 is used by Animals to request exemption from the lottery that is held each January for the purpose of choosing the 35 Archons who will form that year’s government (this process is also known as sortition).

According to the rules of zoocracy, all adult Park citizens must confirm their eligibility to stand as candidates for Archon by the end of October. Illness constitutes the only exception to this rule; Animals who are ill and who believe they would be unable to fulfil their duties as Archon due to their illness are required to advise the DPA of their circumstances by submitting a Form 12.

The growing number of Form 12 submissions had become “worrisome,” Fourmi admitted. Last year, the DPA released a report that claimed an increasing number of Animals were feigning illness to avoid having their names entered in the annual lottery.

“There is no doubt we appeared to be moving in the wrong direction, but I think we may have turned a corner,” the DPA spokesAnimal said regarding this year’s figures.

See also:

Park citizens feigning illness to avoid Archon duty: report
Focus on: Sortition

Park’s retail, construction sectors expected to post strong gains after extended pre-hibernation period

By

GoUnderground


The Park’s retail sector has reported strong gains due to this season’s extended pre-hibernation period

The Park’s retail and construction services sectors are set to show strong gains in the fourth quarter, according to Xavier Dingo, chief financial analyst at A. Corn and Partners.

“It’s an ill wind that blows nobody any good,” he says. “And for these sectors, the extension of the pre-hibernation period was truly a gift.”

That extension, which was itself a result of the POPS election debacle, enabled Animals who otherwise would have been in a state of torpor to continue to spend on their hibernation preparations.

“There was a flurry of activity, at just about the time that we would have been putting away our hibernation gear,” says GoUnderground’s director of sales Nafari Bongo.

The Park’s largest hibernation outfitter is not alone. Throughout the retail sector, sales were unusually high.

“Our members were kept busy, that’s for sure,” says a spokesAnimal for the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS). She was speaking on behalf of founder and current president Wellington Whistlepig, who went into hibernation on December 1.

The construction services sector also saw unusual gains for the season, says Dingo.

“Many Animals took the opportunity to renovate their hibernating quarters and some even built brand new ones,” he says.

Kerman Astoa, vice-president of sales for Burrows and Beyond confirms this. His construction company is The Park’s only business that specializes in hibernation facilities.

“Quite frankly, we were overwhelmed by last-minute orders,” he admits. “There was a day when we thought we might not be able to fulfil all the new orders. But we did.”

Businesses that serve Animals at pre-hibernation time were not the only ones to see gains, though. Provisions by Petrounel, the prestigious Park grocer and caterer that provides post-hibernation sustenance to many, saw its orders triple at the end of November.

“I think many Animals anticipated needing a little something extra…a little pick-me-up to get them going after hibernation, since they won’t be under for as long this year,” says the shop’s owner Beatrice T. Orang.

Rapper Will.o.be. says he’s ready to stand trial Monday

By

Rapper Will.o.be.

INTERVIEW

Rapper Will.o.be. sips spring water from a bowl.

“I want to keep my voice healthy and strong…for this interview and for the trial. I want to tell my story and I don’t want to sound the least bit hesitant,” he states.

Even so, he has limited this interview to ten minutes, so that he can continue to get into shape for his trial on Monday.

His legal representative, Sebastian Shepherd, lies a few feet away from him. Shepherd is a partner in the prestigious Park law firm of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd. He can see all and hear all but he promises he won’t intervene.

“The truth needs no clarification,” he says bluntly.

The rapper flicks his whiskers, anticipating a barrage of questions, only a few of which he’s prepared to answer. Nevertheless, he displays a lovely demeanour; he is not nearly as aggressive offstage as he is when he is performing.

“Without giving away too much,” he offers, “a lot of that is an act. But do I feel rage? Yes, I do. And I believe that we all should.”

These days, his rage is focused mainly on the three charges he plans to fight before a judge on Monday: two charges of assault on an Oak Tree and one charge of mischief.

“This whole thing is outrageous,” he states firmly. “I unequivocally deny that I ever did such a thing [sharpening his claws on an Oak Tree] — not on the night in question or ever in my life.”

There are witnesses, those who were in attendance at the Beats of Burden Music Festival, who say they saw him do just that. But there are no photographs.

“The evidence, as such, amounts to hearsay,” the rapper says. “And not only hearsay, but worse. It’s a scheme to defame me and my music, to say that I have no respect for The Park, to punish me for my success because not all of it came from The Park.”

This is not the first time Will.o.be. has made that charge. And this is what is true: much of his success has come from his time performing outside The Park.

“They say I objectify Animals, that I allow myself to be laughed at by Humans and others…that it’s not my music but my so-called antics that have made me successful. Well, I dispute that. I don’t play for Humans. I don’t expect them to understand. If they buy tickets to my concerts, I can’t help that, but I have used that money to help Park Animals. Before, they could only criticize me for the Human element at my concerts. But, with this new charge, they’ve drilled deeper. They’re saying that I have no respect for other forms of life and that is despicable. And they’ve kept me away from my beloved Park Trees for almost three months.”

As the interview draws to a close, Will.o.be. offers to show me his claws, the ones that he is accused of sharpening on a Tree that is a cousin to The Park’s much-revered Ancient Oak. I question the gesture: no matter how they look, they can provide no evidence of anything, so many months after the charges were laid.

But, as it turns out, I may be wrong. The rapper who is so in-your-face about Animals living a “natural” life appears to have his claws professionally clipped on a regular basis.

“And that’s just a preview of my evidence,” he says, purring.

See also:  Rapper Will.o.be. to stand trial for defacing Tree at music fest

Rapper Will.o.be. will stand trial on Monday. Watch this space for up-to-the-minute reports.

Controversial group reinvents itself as activist organization

By

Friends of Hieronymous


Above is the new symbol of Les Amis de Hieronymous (The Friends of Hieronymous). The controversial group has reinvented itself as an activist organization. It plans to release its first manifesto next week.

The controversial group Les Amis de Hieronymous (The Friends of Hieronymous) has reinvented itself as a political action organization.

The group, which is also known as LAdeH, rose to fame last Spring when it championed the dignity of Hieronymous Hedgehog after Yannis Tavros insulted him on his radio show. Soon after that, six members of the group were arrested at the annual Return of the Nut ceremony. Those six subsequently charged one Park Police officer with misconduct, which resulted in the suspension of the named officer. The charge was later dismissed and the officer was reinstated, but not before his reputation had suffered severe damage. A countersuit against the group, launched by the officer, is set to go to trial early in the new year.

According to the organization’s leader, however, that sort of behaviour is all in the past.

“We had a few bad members, some who were not committed to our cause and some who had infiltrated our group unbeknownst to us. But we’ve cleaned house since then,” says Terkil Dyr, who took over the organization’s reins at the end of November.

“We are committed to peaceful change,” says Dyr, though he did not specify what type of change the LAdeH is interested in effecting.

“We plan to release our first manifesto next week and we invite all Park Animals to take a look at who we are, what we believe, and what action we want to take,” he says.

“We’re ready to act as a political force.”

Celebrity Park chef collaborating with others on cookbook

By

Tricolore book


Celebrity chef Tab Tricolore has confirmed his participation in an interspecial cookbook. The working title of the book is, “Recipes for a Long Lifespan” and it focuses on longevity through healthy eating.

Tab Tricolore, The Park’s most famous (and infamous) chef, has confirmed that he is collaborating with a group of Park chefs on an interspecial cookbook.

The busy chef and author won the 2013 Chitter Radio Literary Award in non-fiction for “The Feral Roots of our Festive Cuisine,” a book that is part memoir and part cookbook. Tricolore also owns and runs four restaurants in The Park and is planning to open a fifth (The PurrrBoy Café at the Park Museum) in the near future.

The other five chefs involved in the project hail from different species, but all have one thing in common: they are generally long-lived Animals. Hence, the working title of the book: “Recipes for a Long Lifespan.”

“That title has a double meaning, though,” Tricolore said in an interview recently. “These recipes all come from a fairly long-lived group, but they are also recipes for foods that are good for you. If you use them [the recipes], you can have a longer lifespan, too. But, of course, there are no guarantees,” he warned.

What is guaranteed is that the meals cooked using these recipes will be delicious.

POPS fans, we have a winner (finally)!

By

Solange Marmotte


The PEO announced today that Solange Graciela Marmotte, seen here last year at the Anixi Agrarian Jubilee, has been elected 2014 POPS.

The Park’s hibernating community will breathe a collective sigh of relief today.

Less than a full day before this year’s new official date of hibernation, the Park Election Office finally has been able to declare a winner in the 2014 POPS election.

PEO head Gerritt Wezel made the announcement this morning at a hastily-arranged but well-attended press conference.

“The Animal who will fulfill the rôle of 2014 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring is Solange Graciela Marmotte,” he said.

Reading from a prepared statement, Wezel thanked Park citizens for their patience and commended his staff and all the volunteers who joined the recount effort.

“Without your help, I would still be counting votes and Park citizens would have lost all confidence in this process,” he said.

As it is, many Park citizens have expressed their disillusionment with the POPS selection process after this year’s fiasco. Nevertheless, many seem willing to let bygones be bygones and to move forward with their plans for hibernation.

“This is definitely something we will have to revisit come Spring,” said Killeen Echidna, president of The Monotreme Alliance. Echidna spoke on Toro Talk Radio as part of a discussion forum on the subject after the election announcement was made.

“In the meantime, we’re grateful to have had a bit more time to prepare for hibernation. Now, we’ll all be glad to go under and Solange [Marmotte] has our full confidence. She will do a great job as POPS in February,” she said.

Archons bow to pressure: hibernation to begin December 1

By

December 1


Bowing to pressure from all sides, the Archons have declared December 1 to be the official date of hibernation

Under pressure from all sides to make a final decision about the official date of hibernation, the Archons have declared that hibernation in 2013 is to begin on December 1. An announcement to that effect, signed by all 35 Archons and bearing the seal of Chief Archon Dewi Merpatee Rhinoceros, was posted outside the law courts early this morning.

“With or without a final tally of votes and an undisputed winner of the 2014 POPS election, the Archons of The Park have declared the official date of hibernation in this year of 2013 to be 1 December,” the announcement reads in part.

The decision has been hailed by both interested parties and observers, many of whom have been quick to weigh in.

“It’s a welcome decision. It’s timely and, in my opinion, it’s the best decision they could make at this point,” said Dr. Jagger Zebu, Professor of Mammalian Medicine at the University of West Terrier. Zebu, who spoke on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning, is one of the authors of a report that documents the rise in the incidence of deaths due to premature awakening among The Park’s hibernating citizens. He believes that any further delay in hibernation will put the health of Animals at risk.

Zebu’s opinion was echoed by many in The Park’s hibernating community, including Cormac Nuttallii, a member of the Idiosyncratic Hibernators of The Park (IHOP) and Oliver S.P. Franklin, head of the Confederation of Ground Squirrels.

Nuttallii, who was a vocal critic of calendar harmonization, still believes the change in calendar accounted for a significant rise in the number of deaths due to premature awakening in his community. He says he fears for his family and friends this Winter and has, therefore, initiated a petition to have the Archons extend the official end of hibernation beyond February 19. Copies of his petition can be signed at the law courts, the Ancient Open-Air Theatre and at select retail outlets around The Park, including the Nut Bar, LeTwiggery, Footpad Heaven, and hibernation outfitters GoUnderground.

For their part, the Archons released a separate statement early this afternoon, emphasizing that their decision was taken based on consultations with many experts in the field of health and hibernation.

“We want to assure all Park citizens that our decision to delay hibernation until December 1 was made with the health and welfare of all in mind and that we would never do anything to put our hibernating community at risk,” the statement said.

Police close in on abductors of Marmot wrestling team

By

Marmot Wrestling Team logo


The logo above is that of the Marmot wrestling team. Park Police say they are closer to discovering whereabouts of the team, which went missing during the 2013 Interspecial Summer Games

Park Police say they are closing in on the abductors of the Marmot wrestling team, which went missing during the 2013 Interspecial Summer Games.

No member of the team has been seen since September 26. Police were called to investigate when the team failed to show up on September 27 for the wrestling competition, which they were favoured to win. At that time, Police reported they had found evidence of a struggle and possible abduction. They later confirmed they had elevated the investigation to that of an abduction after a review of the evidence. That evidence included a trail of hair that led outside The Park and a small pile of shavings that they believe came from a wooden box.

In a short statement released this morning, Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) said her officers believe they have located the hiding place outside The Park that was chosen by the team’s abductors.

The IIU, which is an independent division of the Police force’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU), joined the investigation in mid-October, when the SHCU determined definitively that the abduction was an interspecial crime. The IIU’s mandate is to investigate “all occurrences in which the suggestion of specist intent is present.”

No motive for the crime has been determined as yet, a spokesAnimal for SHCU Chief Inspector Maurice Addax told The Mammalian Daily.

“Our concern at the moment is for the team,” the spokesAnimal said. “We will be able to determine more about the motive after we have the abductors in custody and the team members are safe and back in their homes.”

Concern for the well-being of the team grows every day, the spokesAnimal said, since they should already have gone into hibernation.

“Every day that they are away and, presumably, conscious, the risk to them grows greater. That is why we are hoping for a positive outcome very soon,” he said.

Our shortest-lived citizens pose the question: “What would YOU do with a minute?”

By

The Park's shortest-lived citizens are participating in a one-day event called, "How Long Is A Minute?" to raise awareness of the injustices that are faced by their kind


The Park’s shortest-lived citizens are participating in a one-day event called, “What Would You Do With A Minute?” to raise awareness of the injustices that are faced by their kind

In an effort to raise awareness of their kind and to shed some light on their continuing struggle for equal treatment, The Park’s shortest-lived citizens will host a series of one-day events beginning next month that will pose the important question, “”What Would You Do With A Minute?”

“All over The Park, we hear Animals bemoaning their busy lives, saying they don’t have time to do the important things anymore…that they don’t have a minute to themselves,” says event coordinator Consuelo Abeja.

“We thought it might be fun to offer them a little perspective, to show them what we can do with a minute since, for many of us, our lives are made up of very few of them,” she says.

While that may seem a bit hyperbolic, Abeja is quick to point out that some of her best friends have had lifespans of less than a week.

“And, yet, they managed to accomplish all they needed to,” she declares, with a glint in her eye and just a touch of nostalgia in her voice.

Next month’s inaugural event will highlight the short but productive lives of The Park’s Opossums, Rabbits, Mice, and Chameleons. Abeja says she hopes that other Park species will bring an open mind to the event and that they will be ready to rethink their ideas about their fellow citizens.

“Our lives will be on display here, in a way that they never have been before. And our hope is that other Animals will stop to look and listen and, maybe, contemplate…without comparison or judgement,” says Abeja.

The event will take place at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre on December 15, from 10:00 until sundown.

“There will be a little bit of everything at the event. Food, art, music, even a bit of sport,” says Abeja. “But our main goal is to raise awareness of our abilities and our commitment to work. We don’t believe we should be judged by the length of our lives so much as by what we are able to accomplish within that timespan. We want you to know, if you’re hiring, we can do the job. We hope this event will be the beginning of a new relationship between us and our longer-lived compatriots,” she says.

Election Office recruits volunteers to expedite POPS recount

By

Gorilla with abacus

The Park Election Office has put out a call for volunteers to expedite the recount of votes from the 2014 POPS election

The Park Election Office has sent out an urgent call for volunteers to aid in the tallying of votes cast in the 2014 POPS election, which was held on November 7.

A public service announcement recruiting volunteers was read on all Park radio and television stations this morning and a written notice appeared in the morning editions of all Park newspapers. In addition, PEO head Gerritt Wezel appeared on several television shows, both news and talk, to encourage Animals to come to the PEO’s aid.

“We are asking Park citizens to give up an hour or two of their time to come to the aid of zoocracy,” said Wezel on PBCTV (Park Broadcasting Corporation Television) this morning.

“It is precisely because of the success of zoocracy that we have found ourselves in this situation. As more and more Park Animals become active participants in the zoocratic process, we find ourselves requiring more and more Animalpower to cope.”

Wezel also sought to dispel the myth that the problems associated with this year’s election count were some indication of a problem with the political process.

“This [problem of counting the votes] is not a bad thing at all. It is, in fact, a measure of the success of Animal self-rule. This year, we had a 500 per cent increase in the number of candidates and a corresponding increase in the number of Animals who voted. By any measure, I would call that success,” he said.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

December 2025
M T W T F S S
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031