The Mammalian Daily

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OTD in 2016—Button maker received order for Millicent Hayberry candidacy: rumour

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It’s been over a month since Park citizens heard the rumour that Millicent Hayberry was considering a bid for 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS).

Though she has kept mum on the subject, a source close to one of The Park’s most prominent button makers has told The Mammalian Daily that  the company received an order to produce buttons for her campaign.

The source, who wishes to remain anonymous, said the order came in two weeks ago from a “campaign leader.” The order is said to be for three different versions of a button, one of the prototypes of which appears on this page.

Hayberry, who is wrapping up her performance at the Burrow Theatre in “Godwit,” the first of three mystery plays by Gianfranco Colocolo, is expected to make some form of announcement before the end of the month. Candidates have until November 5 to enter the race.

Sources tell The Mammalian Daily that were Hayberry to run, she would have the support of Hieronymous Hedgehog, along with a number of other prominent hibernators. Her candidacy may lean heavily on the idea of “breaking the species barrier,” since all successful candidates for POPS have been Groundhogs. Nevertheless, since the 2011 and 2012 candidacies of Zachariah Skunk and Lorenzo Michele Chipmunk, there has been a call for broadening the field in this election and making the list of candidates more representative of The Park’s population.

OTD in 2014—Reaction to 2015 “streamlined” budget: from outrage to high praise

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2015 projectionsReactions to The Park’s 2015 “streamlined” budget depend on what your priorities are, says Park Finance Officer Milton Struts.

In an interview in his office two weeks after the release of the budget, Struts characterized Park residents’ general reaction as “favourable and understanding.”

“I think Park Animals understand the need to simplify our lives and, correspondingly, our budget,” Struts said.

But Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) has a different take on the matter. He says that he and other business owners consider the budget “a disaster” and that he’s been busy “rallying the troops” for the past two weeks to pressure the Park Finance Office into redoing the entire budget.

“There’s going to be a massive protest against this thing,” Whistlepig says. “It’s little more than a farce. There’s almost nothing specific in the budget, so how do we know what’s going to be approved and what isn’t? How do we know how much there is to spend? We don’t. We know nothing.”

Refugee groups agree.

“There was never enough [funding] and likely never will be, but we used to see a defined amount set aside for the care of refugees. In this budget, we see nothing definite. We don’t even see ourselves; they didn’t waste any ink on us,” says Inez Gallina, president of the refugee aid group Home to Roost.

The only groups that seem pleased with the budget are those connected to weather and the environment.

“We’ve been waiting, year after year, for the PFO to take us seriously and they finally have,” says Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP).

“Look at the difference: last year, the gave us a mere 5% of the budget. This year it’s a whopping 20%. There is so much we can do with that and it will benefit all Park residents, from our food growers and packagers to our shops and services. Weather is the foundation of our life here in The Park.”

Indeed, according to a source who wishes to remain anonymous, the Park Weather Office (PWO) is said to be “ecstatic” about the budget and “looking forward to spending the funds on good quality weather.”

“You never know, we could end up calling this the Sunshine Budget,” the source said.

2015 projections2015 projections

OTD in 2013—Music fest under fire for selling products to Humans

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Beats of BurdenwareThe organizers of the first annual Beats of Burden music festival have come under fire for creating and selling products that are specifically geared to Human consumers.

At a rally held this afternoon outside the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, members of groups that aid The Park’s refugees, as well as Park artists and shopkeepers, marched around the theatre, chanting their disapproval of what they call the festival organizers’ “outrageously offensive” decision.

“This is an incredible betrayal,” said Dorika Pumi, who curated The Park’s first art installation at The Park Museum of Contemporary Art. Entitled, “How Much Was That Doggie in the Window?” the installation has been described as “a living, breathing, depiction” of the horror of enforced domestication of Canines by Humans.

“I can tell you honestly that this is the last thing that we, as an organization, believed would ever happen,” said Vizsla Hoover of Runaway Rovers. Hoover’s group, which was involved in the art installation, assists Canines who have escaped enforced domestication.

“After years of working with refugees who have suffered tremendously at the hands of Humans, I am shocked that they [the festival organizers] saw fit to pander to them just for the sake of money,” she said.

Hoover is one of many in The Park’s immigrant and refugee aid community who is calling for the organizers to cease creating products for and selling those products to Humans.

“I looked at the catalogue and the number of products geared to Humans was almost equal to those for Animals,” Hoover said. “It is appalling.”

For their part, the music festival’s organizers say only that they believe many of the products offered for sale can be used by “any species.”

“We have offered a variety of products for sale in support of The Park’s refugee community. We have tried to be inclusive of all species and we believe we have been successful, in that many of these products have universal appeal. We do not, however, believe it is our job to determine which products should be geared to which species. That would undermine our intent, which is to service the Park community across its entire spectrum,” a festival statement said.

OTD in 2011—Splinter group to stage currency-related protest this weekend

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Mammalian Daily Associated News Services (MDANS) is reporting that some former members of the Association for the Preservation of Individual Currencies (APIC) have disassociated themselves from APIC and created a splinter group to fight currency amalgamation in The Park.

The group, ninety per cent of whose members are Geese, calls itself “Fowl Cry” and plans to stage a two-day protest against currency unification this weekend.

In a statement distributed to all Park media, the group excoriated APIC as a “do-nothing” organization and its current President, Rowena Goose, as a “stand-by and watch” official.

“At a time when it is most important to take action, she [Rowena Goose] has adopted a ‘wait and see’ attitude,” the statement said.  The group has also accused the Goose of feathering her own nest by hoarding the dominant currency (Ftoo), while leaving the rest of Park citizens to fend for themselves.

APIC released a counter-statement early this morning, defending its record and touting its success in staving off currency amalgamation, which has been on the table in The Park for more than seven years. The group did not address the charges that Fowl Cry made against its President, nor has Rowena Goose yet stepped forward to dispute them.

Park Police say they have called in reinforcements in order to keep peace in The Park during the demonstration.

OTD in 2011—Clash with Guard Dogs at protest leaves 1 dead, 7 injured

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One Goose is dead and at least seven were injured after a clash with Guard Dogs at this weekend’s anti-amalgamation protest in The Park.

The fallen Goose, whose name has not yet been released, was last seen alive at the ancient open-air theatre on Sunday.  She was, reportedly, organizing a parade with a small gaggle of her compatriots to protest currency unification in The Park.  The Goose was part of a group that calls itself “Fowl Cry.”

Witnesses at the scene said that the Guard Dogs, who were on high alert, became agitated at the sound of “all that honking” and told the Goose to quieten down.

“That just made her mad,” said a friend who was also a participant at the protest.

“We have the right to express our opinions.  Jor gave us that right and it is enshrined in The Park’s constitution.  No one has the right to tell us to shut up.”

According to one witness, when the Goose refused to cooperate, the Guard Dogs rushed the group and allegedly bit several of the Geese.  A fight broke out between the Guard Dogs and the Geese and the result was one death and a host of injuries, some serious enough to land several of the Geese in the hospital.

Early this morning, Gareth Shepherd, President of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW), took to the airwaves to calm Park residents and to assure them that the security force, along with the Archons, will conduct a “full and fair” investigation into the incident.

“We invite all citizens and, particularly, those who were present at the gathering in question, to testify at the open investigation, which will commence at the end of the month,” he said.

For their part, the members of Fowl Cry say that they will wait to hear the testimony of the witnesses and the explanation of the Guard Dogs before they take any action.

“In the meantime,” said a spokesGoose for the group, “we have to plan a memorial service for our fallen leader and tend to the needs of the others who were injured.”

OTD in 2016—Gunnar Rotte tweets, then takes his case to the Archons

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Screen Shot 2016-08-10 at 9.00.45 AMGunnar Rotte has never backed away from a fight.

Indeed, he rose to prominence almost two years ago, when he published a controversial editorial in The Rodent Commoner comparing the plight of his own species to that of The Park’s striped and spotted citizens.

Now, the beleaguered journalist and part-time counsellor at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic is doubling down on his mission to make all Park citizens understand the real life challenges of Rodents and, in particular, Rats.

After taking to Twitter yesterday to react to the announcement that this year’s Park ART Walk will celebrate the work of our striped and spotted citizens and to complain that no Park event honours Rodents, Rotte has begun a campaign to pressure the Archons into establishing just such an event.

Calling for an annual , “Rotter Day,” Rotte says he plans to march in front of the law courts and all government buildings until the Archons and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations agree to his plan.

And he just might be successful.

“I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he got it done,” says Rosbritt Piggsvin, President of Rodents at Risk, a Park charity that aids The Park’s at-risk Rodent community.

“Gunnar is nothing if not persistent,” says Piggsvin, who has known Rotte since his birth.

“He gnaws at things and doesn’t let them go. And on this particular subject, I can tell you, he won’t rest until all Park Animals understand and acknowledge the pain and suffering of Rats and many other Rodents.”

Still, many say it will be an uphill battle for Rotte to get the Archons to agree to add an event to The Park’s calendar so late in their term.

“Yes, he may have to march in the snow, but I’ll bet he’s already put together a plan to confront the new Archons on the day of their swearing-in,” says Piggsvin.

OTD in 2016—Tinamou nest found outside Park; eggs replaced with Bailey’s basketball

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NestJPEGPark Police announced this morning that they have recovered the nest of Alvin Tinamou and his mate Adela.

Szabina Héja, head of the Airborne Investigative Unit (AIU), made the announcement at a press conference this morning.

“Yesterday afternoon, our team was directed to a Tree outside The Park. Upon investigation, we discovered and later took possession of a nest with a basketball inside it. After extensive testing at our laboratory, we have determined that the nest is that of Alvin Tinamou. Our tests also revealed that the basketball is the same one lent to The Park Museum by Mammalian Daily balls columnist Bailey. Unfortunately, we were unable to find any evidence of the Tinamou eggs. Our Unit continues to search for the eggshells and we are optimistic that we will be successful,” Héja said.

Experts say, however, that since the nest was stolen in mid-June, there is little hope of recovering the eggshells.

“Those chicks would have hatched by early July at the latest,” says Dr. Simon Crow, head of Avian Medicine at the University of West Terrier. “They would, physiologically, almost be adults by now. And the shells surely would have been used for other purposes.”

The AIU head did not comment on the state of the basketball, nor did she give reporters any idea of when the ball might be released to its rightful owner. But she did confirm that both the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) and the Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) have been brought in to help in the search for the perpetrator of the crime.

OTD in 2014—Doves of Peace to host recruitment event last weekend in August

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Doves of PeaceGet your résumés ready!

The Doves of Peace will be hosting a two-day recruitment event during the last weekend in August.

In a “beaks-up” communication released today, spokesBird Georgina Golub confirmed the rumour that for the first time in six years the Doves are hiring.

“Recent events in The Park, including the grooming house stampede of May 31, have driven home the need for us to widen our scope in terms of the number and types of events we attend. And, in order to do that, we must increase our numbers,” she said.

The Doves, who are a fully autonomous sub-group of Park Police, traditionally have been sent to attend all Park celebrations and days of significance. After consultations with regular Park Police, the Archons, and the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), the Doves decided it was time to expand their list of duties.

“We do not produce peace nor do we restore it,” Golub said in an interview on Chitter Radio.

“But we do encourage it and our presence at events does help to promote a sense of calm. We can’t underestimate the need for that these days and whatever we can do, we wish to do,” she said.

Golub said details of the recruiting event, which will be held at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, will be released next week.

OTD in 2014—Jargonhead “raps up” tour, signs on to headline Beats of Burden Music Festival

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JargonheadLegendary Park singer Jargonhead confirmed today that he has “rapped up” his Ducks in a Row tour and is on his way home to The Park to prepare for a co-hosting and headlining gig at the second annual Beats of Burden Music Festival.

“He is primed and ready,” the rapper’s manager Jukka Ankka told The Mammalian Daily.

Jargonhead, who signed on last year to perform at the inaugural event, is said to be a “huge fan” of the music festival.

“The concept suits him to a T,” says Ankka. “He’s all about helping the disadvantaged and pointing out the hypocrisy in our world.”

The Beasts of Burden, who founded the annual music festival last year to aid The Park’s refugees, released a statement of gratitude this morning.

“We extended the offer [of co-hosting] and were hoping for the best, but we were overwhelmed by his enthusiasm. We are very grateful to Jargonhead,” the statement said.

Beats of Burden logoThe Beats of Burden Music Festival will take place in The Park 12-14 September 2014.

OTD in 2016—Cackling Goose coalition asks: Would we be safer without sod?

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Cackling Goose TavernThe coalition of groups that has conducted regular meetings at the Cackling Goose Tavern has sent a message to the citizens and residents of The Park.

Inside a carefully worded missive published in all Park media today, the coalition poses the question: Would we be safer without sod?

The group, whose members include representatives of citizen aid and action associations, environmental groups, other alliances and federations, and some of The Park’s technology companies, has been working since the end of July to develop a proposal for The Park’s 2017 budget.

Today they are calling on the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations to join them in their effort to keep Park residents safe from Human invasion.

The DWBS, who came under fire recently for issuing a safety alert that some deemed too late to save Park Animals, has promised to look into the coalition’s proposal to substitute grass seed for The Park’s sod.

“We believe that Humans, who have a very short attention span, would be less likely to see The Park as a vacation option if they had to wait for the grass to grow,” the coalition says in its statement.

While that might prove true and could result in fewer Humans endangering Park Animals, some warn that there is a downside to this way of thinking.

“We continue to walk a fine line when it comes to Humans and tourism. On the one hand, we want to maintain The Park for ourselves, but on the other, we have to admit that we are far too small to be self-sustaining. We rely on the funds that come from Humans who buy our products and services and it does us no good to pretend that we don’t,” says Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS).

The coalition is seeking the input of resident Park Animals before it presents its proposal to Park Finance Office head Valentina Abeja. Abeja announced last month that she would be presenting her 2017 budget on August 17.

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