The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Hieronymous Hedgehog to tweet during hibernation via Keeper of the Tweets

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Hieronymous twitter account

Click image above to follow Hieronymous on Twitter during hibernation.

Move over, Keeper of the Nut. Hieronymous Hedgehog has a Keeper of the Tweets.

The Hedgehog, who was sworn in November 2 as The Park’s first Official Hibernation Ambassador, left little to chance, it appears, when he went into hibernation on November 17.

In fact, what he left was eleven weeks’ worth of tweets on the subject of hibernation, including the details of preparation and what life underground is really like.

“He took his duties very seriously, particularly those related to educating non-hibernators, and he was dismayed that the position was created so late in the year,” said Chief Archon Abayomi Cuckoo, who appointed the Hedgehog in late October. The position carries a term of five years.

The Chief Archon said they spoke on a number of occasions about the time crunch and the need for Hieronymous to prepare for his own hibernation while leaving time to attend to his new duties, including hosting Q&A sessions on Twitter.

“I told him to resume his duties full-time in the Spring and not to worry about it. But he wanted a more concrete solution to the problem,” she said.

Enter The Park’s oldest hibernation outfitters, GoUnderground, for whom Hieronymous is a spokesAnimal.

“He was facing a deadline in every sense of the word and I told him that whatever we could do to help, we would,” says Nafari Bongo, GoUnderground’s Director of Sales.

The solution they came up with was for Hieronymous to take a few days and dictate everything he wanted to say about hibernation this year. Then, they’d hire another Animal to send the info as tweets throughout the Winter.

“Hieronymous was thrilled with that solution. He kept saying, ‘Brilliant! Brilliant!’ And his enthusiasm was infectious. We all got into it and made suggestions about topics and questions that non-hibernators might have,” Bongo says.

The hibernation outfitter then discreetly placed an ad for a non-hibernator to take over the Twitter account for twelve weeks.

“We found the perfect tweeter and we’re almost ready to go live,” he says. But the identity of that tweeter will be kept under wraps until the Spring.

As for Hieronymous, we wish him a happy hibernation and we look forward to seeing him again on Groundhog Day.

“Under and out, as he might say,” laughs Bongo.

The polls are open, the race is on. May the best candidate become POPS 2016

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POPS 2016

Cast your vote today for 2016 POPS!

The polls are open.

At sixteen different stations around The Park, the ballots are neatly stacked and election officials stand at the ready to assist voters as they file in.

“The race is on. All that’s left is for Park Animals to tick whichever box belongs to the candidate they think will perform the duties of POPS best,” said an exhausted-looking Gerritt Wezel this morning.

If voter turnout is as high as it has been over the past few years, the Park Election Office head estimates it will take at least three days to count the votes and determine which of the 207 candidates will be 2016’s Park Official Prognosticator of Spring.

“However long it takes, though, you’ll know almost as soon as we know,” Wezel says.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT TODAY’S ELECTION

  • The polls will be open until 11:00 pm
  • All adult resident Animals are eligible to vote
  • ID is recommended but not mandatory

POPS election update: so many candidates, so little time for debate

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Elections AheadLATE BREAKING NEWS

The numbers are in and they’re huge.

When Park Election Office head Gerritt Wezel booked today’s press conference, he didn’t expect to have to postpone it. But that he did— twice—because even though registration closed at noon, it took over three hours for Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon to certify the registration forms.

And the final number?

“Would you believe two hundred and seven?” Wezel told the press. “And only twenty per cent of those are repeats.”

Given the numbers and the limited amount of time for debate, those twenty per cent may regret their decision to stand as candidates.

That’s because, according to new rules put in place today, repeaters will be allowed to speak for only one minute, exactly half the time allotted to new candidates.

“We had to draw the line somewhere, or the debate would go on all night,” Wezel said. “And since we’ve already heard from them, I think that’s fair.”

As it is, since the debate will last almost seven hours, the starting time has been moved up to two o’clock in the afternoon. Candidates will begin filling the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre at noon, Wezel said, but attendees will not be allowed in until one.

If you’re planning to stay for the entire thing, however, there is one bright spot: refreshments will be available until eight o’clock, courtesy of The Compost Heap and The Battering Ram Café.

WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW

  • The debate starts at two o’clock
  • Attendees may come and go as they please
  • There is no age limit, but remember that very young Animals may cause a disturbance and delay the proceedings
  • Refreshments are available until eight o’clock
  • POPS Election Day is November 7

Election Office braces for deluge of POPS candidates as deadline looms

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Elections AheadThe Park Election Office is now housed in two offices and even that amount of space has proven insufficient for its purposes.

“I told the Archons we’re going to have to go digital next year or we’ll have to build our own building,” laughs Gerritt Wezel.

But the PEO head isn’t really in the mood for jokes. Taking a break from sorting through the piles of registration forms that candidates for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) have dropped off just this week, Wezel waxes nostalgic about his early days on the job.

“I remember—and it seems not that long ago—when the debates had three or four Animals. One year it was six. And we thought we were overwhelmed then,” he sighs.

Last year, that number swelled to one hundred and forty-five and Wezel estimates that, this year, almost three hundred Animals will stand as candidates for the position. And while Wezel he says he’s happy about the high level of participation, he has some doubts about the seriousness of some of the candidates.

“Just because you can apply, it doesn’t mean that you should,” he says matter-of-factly.

Wezel isn’t the only one who has concerns. Two years ago, he met with the Archons to suggest ways in which they might be able to keep the numbers down and focus on candidate appropriateness. His suggestion that candidates be forced to meet specified qualifications was met with resistance, he says. But even at that time, they acknowledged they would have to find some kind of solution to the problem that had resulted from the 2003 decision to hold elections for the position.

In the meantime, Wezel spends his days sorting and counting and hoping the candidates will be able to whittle down their message to one to two seconds come Friday.

“If not, we’ll be listening to them from dawn to dusk and that’s no way to choose the POPS,” he says.

In case you are thinking about standing as a candidate for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), this is what you should know:

JUST THE FACTS

1. You have until noon on November 5 to have your name officially entered as a candidate.
2. The names of all candidates will be released at 2:00 a.m. on November 6.
3. POPS hopefuls are allowed to campaign for votes until 8:00 p.m. on November 6.
4. The all-candidates debate begins at 8:00 p.m. on November 6.
5. Animals are not allowed to campaign on election day, November 7.

Nesthetics gets the nod again to build Groundhog Day prognostication pad

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Groundhog Day celebrationsIt’s that time of year again.

The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations announced today that for the second year in a row, it has engaged the services of Nesthetics to build and service the Groundhog Day prognostication pad.

In a short statement released this morning, the department said it was impressed by the sturdiness and “forward-thinking design” of the company’s 2015 pad. That pad was the first in Park history to include colours other than green.

In fact, the pad’s blue base and its range of bright colours caused quite a stir. Romulus Bowerbird, the Nesthetics designer responsible for the pad, caused a stir of his own, too, when he defended his aesthetic choices during live coverage of the Groundhog Day ceremonies by saying that he thought green was overused but, “Many of my best friends are green.”

Nevertheless, Bowerbird is considered to be one of The Park’s foremost designers, and one who is not afraid to take chances or to risk failure.

In a prognostication of his own earlier in the week, Bowerbird tweeted out that he was sure his company would be “2 for 2 on Groundhog Day.” He said nothing, however, about an early Spring.

Nesthetics designer under fire for comment about “green friends”

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Bowerbird tweetNesthetics designer Romulus Bowerbird has come under fire for a comment he made during an interview with Mammalian Daily reporters on Groundhog Day.

While discussing his aesthetic choices for the 2015 prognostication pad, which he and his company designed and constructed, Bowerbird referred disparagingly to the previous pads made by Simply Structures.

Asked about the range of colours Nesthetics used in the 2015 pad, Bowerbird replied, “It’s much brighter, and we used a range of colours, as you saw. Not just green.”

As soon as he’d uttered it, Bowerbird appeared to realize that his comment was offensive, but his attempts to clarify if only made things worse.

“Green is good,” he said. “Many of my best friends are green.”

Although The Mammalian Daily reporter tried to gloss over the remark by segueing to the “decoration” of the pad, Bowerbird continued to stumble. When Hieronymous Hedgehog joined the conversation, he tried to make light of Bowerbird’s remark, saying that he, too, had many friends who were green. After that. Bowerbird hurriedly left the interview.

Nothing more was made of the incident until two days ago, when The Reptile Register ran an editorial criticizing Bowerbird for expressing views that went against the ideals of zoocracy.

Editor Sherwin Gecko parsed every remark Bowerbird made, finding fault with his cadence as well as his sentiments and concluded that Bowerbird “had a serious problem with other species” and would benefit from having “friends of all colours.”

The issue took on a life of its own after that, with many representatives of The Park’s citizen aid and action associations calling for an apology from Bowerbird.

“It was a thoughtless comment that hurt a large segment of our population,” said Mason L. Tortoise, head of the Small Animal Reform Group (SARG). “Bowerbird should make a formal apology to all of us.”

Antoine Lézard, president of the Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP) agreed.

“He didn’t have to say it. He was talking about colour in terms of design. If he didn’t think less of green Animals, it wouldn’t have come to his mind in the first place. We all deserve some sort of explanation of his thought processes, as well as an apology,” he said.

But Carlisle Chameleon sees it differently. One of Bowerbird’s few supporters, the president of Lizards for Liberty believes the designer was “well within his rights” to say what he did.

“He was just stating a fact,” says Chameleon. “He likes green—in Animals as well as prognostication pads—but he likes other colours, too. What I think we’re forgetting because of all the fuss is that while Bowerbird himself is blue, his mate is green, as are many of his relatives and friends. He doesn’t think less of them; he just wants more.”

Groundhog Day roundup: Record turnout, new budget in the works

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Walmond Murmeltier

2015 POPS Walmond Murmeltier emerges from his burrow on February 2

It was a groundbreaking celebration, in more ways than one. Here are a few tidbits to round up the day:

  • According to the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, this year’s official Groundhog Day event was the best attended in Park history. A record number of Animals, ranging in age from newborn Bears to some of our oldest reptile citizens, graced us with their presence
  • For the first time in over a decade, ill health kept chief organizer Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr. from the celebrations. In his stead, Oscar Woodchuck did a fine job
  • Eight different food providers staffed the food stations
  • This was the first Groundhog Day celebration that included a dance choreographed specifically for the event by Herman Stoat
  • For the first time in the history of the event, a short play was performed by the Working Wounded Performing Arts Company
  • The Archons’ Address lasted 17 minutes and included a tribute to Jor, the founder of zoocracy
  • The 2015 Archons promised to bring in a budget in the first two months of their tenure and to make the issue of inequality among the species a priority
  • The Park’s Early Risers hosted their own after-party and Animals partied into the late morning hours of February 3
  • Twenty-one injuries were reported as a result of the celebration. Four Animals were taken to hospital and seventeen were treated on-site

Early Risers to host after-party following official Groundhog Day celebrations

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Early Rise fireworks

The Early Risers will host an after-party beginning at 20:30 on Monday night

For the first time in history,  The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations will not end with the 2-kilometre tunnel race or the closing of the food stations.

The Park’s Early Risers — hibernators who choose to end their hibernation on Groundhog Day rather than on the official date of February 19 — will be hosting an after-party on Monday.

In the announcement-invitation issued this morning, a spokesAnimal for the group said the party will start at 20:30, a half-hour after the official celebrations end.

“All are invited and all are welcome. We’re going to make some noise and celebrate the beginning of another year!” the announcement said.

According to the Department of Statistics and Records, Early Risers constitute approximately eight percent of The Park’s hibernating community.

Noreen to join TMD commentating crew at Groundhog Day celebrations

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Official Noreen

Noreen will report from The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations

Noreen will be joining The Mammalian Daily’s commentating crew as they tweet live from The Park’s annual Groundhog Day celebrations.

The Mammalian Daily advice columnist, who will resume her duties at the newspaper in mid-February, says she is “thrilled” to have the opportunity to connect with celebrants at the event as well as with those at home.

“Groundhog Day is one of the most important days on The Park’s calendar. I feel privileged to have been asked to communicate the wonder of it all through social media,” she said in a statement released today.

The columnist, who is also adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier, has been on leave since November. She has been promoting her book, Lovely To Look At, outside The Park and said in a radio interview last week that she intends to write about her experiences as soon as she gets back to work.

Follow the Groundhog Day celebrations on Twitter!

 

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