The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2016—ASIS head to replace Mink at UWT event

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ASIS HeadC. Astrid H. Ant, Head of The Park’s Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS), will replace Chief Archon Raymond H. Mink as speaker at the 2016 University of West Terrier Open House on January 29, it was announced today.

Mink bowed out of the speaking engagement on January 17, a day after he was sworn in as 2016 Chief Archon, explaining that he felt his focus should be on governing at this time.

In a brief statement that appeared on the university’s web site, the UWT President and Governors thanked Ant for accepting the invitation “on such short notice.”

The ASIS head, who is perhaps best known for her leadership of the brilliant team that prevented the destruction of an entire Ant colony, will be speaking about the rôle that higher education plays in investigative police work and in the maintenance of interspecial harmony in general.

The university’s full announcement about the Open House appears on its web site.

OTD in 2016—Prestigious prize goes to UWT professor for pioneering work on harrumphocytes

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UWT COATDr. Jagger Zebu, Professor of Mammalian Medicine at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine has been awarded the prestigious Eureka Prize, it was announced today.

The announcement came in a statement issued this morning by the editorial board of the scientific journal Eureka. The board, which awards the prize annually for “pioneering research and innovative experimentation,” called Dr. Zebu a “a meticulous scientist and a pioneer in harrumphocyte research.”

Dr. Zebu, whose name appeared earlier this month on Eureka’s  “Seventeen to Watch in 2017” list, led a team of researchers who were the first to pinpoint the location of harrumphocytes in Mammals.  Harrumphocytes are the cells that are believed to be responsible for producing feelings of primary apathy and secondary negativity in Mammals.

When the research was published in March of this year, Dr. Zebu said he believed the breakthrough would offer a “much-improved” life to Mammals who suffer from harrumphocyte imbalance.

Although Dr. Zebu has not commented on the award, the Board of Governors of the University of West Terrier posted a congratulatory message on the university’s web site this morning.

OTD in 2011: University of West Terrier to open new academic department

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The University of West Terrier announced today that it has entered into a partnership agreement with Leonardo Language and Culture Institute to offer courses through its new Department of Interspecial Studies.

In a joint statement released today, the presidents of both schools praised the officials who negotiated the agreement and said they look forward to a long and happy alliance.

“This is the first time in Park history that two academic institutions have put aside their differences and agreed to collaborate for the sake of the betterment of our mutual student body. We look forward to a long and happy alliance through which we hope to offer a new perspective while meeting the educational needs of our present and future students,” the statement read.

A spokesanimal for UWT acknowledged that the driving force behind the establishment of the new department was “a new generation of students” whose profound interest in other species and their languages was not well served by UWT’s limited course offerings.

“It has been apparent for some time that the interests of the new generation of students have not been wholly served by the traditional courses offered here [UWT],” the spokesanimal said.  “We have chosen to rise to that challenge and we hope, through this new department, to be able to convince students, both present and future, that UWT is the best place to study and grow academically.”

According to a report released last week by The Park’s Department of Education, enrollment in institutions of higher learning has increased over the past five years.  Enrollment at UWT, however, has decreased by three per cent over the last two years.  Enrollment in specialized colleges, such as the Leonardo Language and Cultural Institute, has increased by seven per cent over the last two years.

OTD in 2017—UWT greenlights “Paper Bag Project” to test Human intelligence, behaviour

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UWT COATThe University of West Terrier announced today that it has greenlit a new investigation into Human intelligence and behaviour that will be directed by Dr. Luule Aednik of the Department of Psychology‘s Cognitive and Experimental Psychology division.

The investigation, which will involve a team of researchers from both the Department of Psychology and the Department of Human Studies, will take place this Summer, during the height of the tourist season.

According to Dr. Aednik, researchers will be testing Humans’ ability to “think themselves out of a paper bag.” The investigation will employ more than a dozen graduate students, who will drop the bags over the heads of random Humans, as they walk through The Park. Cameras placed around The Park—in Tree branches, near ponds, outside theatres, and in picnic areas, will capture the Humans’ attempts to free themselves from the bags.

In a statement accompanying the announcement this morning, Dr. Aednik said he has no idea what the research will show.

“We come to this investigation without prejudice,” he wrote. “We have open minds and open hearts, and we will conduct the investigation with the utmost respect for the Human species.”

Data from the three-month investigation will be analyzed during the Winter, Dr. Aednik wrote, and he hopes to publish the results in the prestigious Journal of Human Behaviour (JHB) next year.

OTD in 2017—The Park’s new frontier: focus of UWT conference will be population control

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UWT COATSpring has sprung and our thoughts turn naturally toward new growth. But this year, the thoughts of academics at the University of West Terrier, will be turning in the opposite direction.

At an upcoming conference, entitled,  ”Population Control: The Park’s New Frontier,” UWT scholars from a number of departments and faculties will be discussing a subject they admit is controversial: controlling The Park’s population.

“It’s not something that’s popular to talk about,” admits Dr. M. Rosario Morsa, Professor of Statistics and Well-Being at UWT’s School of Medicine. “But, with our rising population and diminishing resources, there is a pressing need.”

Morsa, who is known for his study of population control methods outside The Park, says that after thirty-five years of zoocracy, it’s time for us to plan our future and discussing population growth is part of that.

“In many ways, it’s a sign of our success that we are bringing this issue to the conference table,” he told Mammalian Daily Radio yesterday afternoon.

Morsa says it’s time for the Archons to put together a population plan that balances immigration and reproduction. But he admits that such a plan has never been devised anywhere, including in the Human world.

“That is both a problem and a challenge that I believe we’ll be able to rise to,” he says.

Still, Morsa admits it won’t be easy.

“We realize there will be many who’ll say we’re infringing on their basic rights, but we have no intention of doing that. We’re looking at developing an educational programme that will explain to Park Animals that smaller families are better for them, for the environment, and for The Park,” he says. “We’re hoping that, in the end, it will be their decision to limit their number of young.”

To read the full UWT announcement about the conference, click here.

OTD in 2016—UWT receives funds for new study of premature awakening from hibernation

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UWT COATThanks to an anonymous donor, the University of West Terrier will be able to fund a third study into the causes of premature awakening from hibernation.

In an announcement on the University’s web site, the President and Governors thanked the “anonymous donor whose generosity and empathy knows no bounds.”

“The University is deeply grateful for the funding and wishes to thank the anonymous donor whose generosity and empathy knows no bounds. We are confident that your generous donation will save countless lives and your effort on behalf of hibernators will become a shining example of the power of interspecial caring,” the announcement said.

The donation, which came via the Foundation for the Study of Premature Awakening will fund a thirty-six-month project. The project leaders and venues have yet to be announced, but it is believed that the bulk of the research will be done at the University’s School of Medicine.

The University’s full announcement can be read here.

On This Day—November 28, 2016: Prestigious prize goes to UWT professor for pioneering work on harrumphocytes

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UWT COATDr. Jagger Zebu, Professor of Mammalian Medicine at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine has been awarded the prestigious Eureka Prize, it was announced today.

The announcement came in a statement issued this morning by the editorial board of the scientific journal Eureka. The board, which awards the prize annually for “pioneering research and innovative experimentation,” called Dr. Zebu a “a meticulous scientist and a pioneer in harrumphocyte research.”

Dr. Zebu, whose name appeared earlier this month on Eureka’s  “Seventeen to Watch in 2017” list, led a team of researchers who were the first to pinpoint the location of harrumphocytes in Mammals.  Harrumphocytes are the cells that are believed to be responsible for producing feelings of primary apathy and secondary negativity in Mammals.

When the research was published in March of this year, Dr. Zebu said he believed the breakthrough would offer a “much-improved” life to Mammals who suffer from harrumphocyte imbalance.

Although Dr. Zebu has not commented on the award, the Board of Governors of the University of West Terrier posted a congratulatory message on the university’s web site this morning.

On This Day—September 22, 2016: Noreen to chair UWT forum on effects of Human architecture on other Animals

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Official NoreenThe President and Governors of the University of West Terrier announced today that Noreen will chair a forum on the effects of Human architecture on the lives of other Animals. The forum, which will be hosted by the UWT School of Architecture, will take place on the university’s campus on October 8 and 9.

The university called the Mammalian Daily advice columnist and adjunct professor of Human studies the “perfect choice” to chair the discussion because “her abilities as a mediator and as a researcher are exceptional.”

Participants in the forum will include faculty members of the UWT School of Architecture as well as faculty of the Schools of Medicine and Economics and Social Science. In addition, the university has invited community architects and professionals working in the fields of physical and mental health and well-being to share their knowledge and expertise.

Read the university’s full announcement here.

UWT greenlights “Paper Bag Project” to test Human intelligence, behaviour

By

UWT COATThe University of West Terrier announced today that it has greenlit a new investigation into Human intelligence and behaviour that will be directed by Dr. Luule Aednik of the Department of Psychology‘s Cognitive and Experimental Psychology division.

The investigation, which will involve a team of researchers from both the Department of Psychology and the Department of Human Studies, will take place this Summer, during the height of the tourist season.

According to Dr. Aednik, researchers will be testing Humans’ ability to “think themselves out of a paper bag.” The investigation will employ more than a dozen graduate students, who will drop the bags over the heads of random Humans, as they walk through The Park. Cameras placed around The Park—in Tree branches, near ponds, outside theatres, and in picnic areas, will capture the Humans’ attempts to free themselves from the bags.

In a statement accompanying the announcement this morning, Dr. Aednik said he has no idea what the research will show.

“We come to this investigation without prejudice,” he wrote. “We have open minds and open hearts, and we will conduct the investigation with the utmost respect for the Human species.”

Data from the three-month investigation will be analyzed during the Winter, Dr. Aednik wrote, and he hopes to publish the results in the prestigious Journal of Human Behaviour (JHB) next year.

The Park’s new frontier: focus of UWT conference will be population control

By

UWT COATSpring has sprung and our thoughts turn naturally toward new growth. But this year, the thoughts of academics at the University of West Terrier, will be turning in the opposite direction.

At an upcoming conference, entitled,  ”Population Control: The Park’s New Frontier,” UWT scholars from a number of departments and faculties will be discussing a subject they admit is controversial: controlling The Park’s population.

“It’s not something that’s popular to talk about,” admits Dr. M. Rosario Morsa, Professor of Statistics and Well-Being at UWT’s School of Medicine. “But, with our rising population and diminishing resources, there is a pressing need.”

Morsa, who is known for his study of population control methods outside The Park, says that after thirty-five years of zoocracy, it’s time for us to plan our future and discussing population growth is part of that.

“In many ways, it’s a sign of our success that we are bringing this issue to the conference table,” he told Mammalian Daily Radio yesterday afternoon.

Morsa says it’s time for the Archons to put together a population plan that balances immigration and reproduction. But he admits that such a plan has never been devised anywhere, including in the Human world.

“That is both a problem and a challenge that I believe we’ll be able to rise to,” he says.

Still, Morsa admits it won’t be easy.

“We realize there will be many who’ll say we’re infringing on their basic rights, but we have no intention of doing that. We’re looking at developing an educational programme that will explain to Park Animals that smaller families are better for them, for the environment, and for The Park,” he says. “We’re hoping that, in the end, it will be their decision to limit their number of young.”

To read the full UWT announcement about the conference, click here.

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