The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2015—Pro-election group urges Park Animals to take next step in zoocratic evolution

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Ballot BoxThe time to make the transition from sortition to elections is upon us, says the head of The Park’s foremost pro-election group.

At a rally held last night, Antoine Lézard, president of the Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP), urged Park Animals to join him in bringing about what he called the “next natural step” in the evolution of zoocracy.

“The time has come. The time is now. The era of choosing our government by lottery is over,” Lézard told the crowd of approximately five thousand at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.

Flanked by renowned director Douglas Cheetah and former Archon Transition Team member Blandine Okapi, both relative newcomers to the cause, Lézard presented a list of economic, social, political, and emotional arguments for the establishment of free elections.

“All mature societies choose their governments by votes cast in free elections. After more than thirty years, can we not call ourselves mature and take the next natural step in the evolution of zoocracy?” he asked, as he concluded his speech.

Although Lézard’s words were met with great enthusiasm by the crowd, a recent survey conducted by the Department of Political Administration found that while almost fifty per cent of Park citizens think some form of change in the political system would be helpful, only a small minority —approximately thirteen per cent—believe that the establishment of free elections is the answer.

Despite this apparent resistance, Lézard maintains there is “something in the air.”

“I feel it, I hear it, I sense its unmistakeable odour. Park Animals want change, whether they will admit to it or not. Our governing structure is in a state of torpor and it has lost its ability to respond to its citizenry,” he says.

OTD in 2016—Is “long haul” government the way of the future? New political group says yes

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Park ArchonsAre longer terms for The Park’s thirty-five Archons the solution to our current governmental stagnation?

A newly-formed political group thinks so.

The organization, which calls itself, “Park Citizens for Long Haul Government (PCLHG) released its first statement of principles and objectives today. And one of its most notable objectives is to change the length of Archons’ terms.

“We advocate lengthening the term of Archonship from one year to three to five years,” the statement says.

According to the group’s president, Stéphanie Musaraigne, the bold move would enable Archons to make a “full commitment” to governing over the long haul, instead of concentrating on short term goals and things that can be achieved within the one year mandate.

While the PCLHG’s statement stopped short of criticizing sortition, the current method of selecting Archons, it did imply that while the lottery method ensures a degree of fairness, it brings with it a certain amount of instability.

“There are many problems with sortition, which a Park of varied species and lifespans must address,” the statement said.

The PCLHG plans to hold a press conference later this week to further outline its objectives.

OTD in 2015—On the anniversary of Jor’s birth, The Park contemplates its zoocratic future

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Jor, The Park's First Leader

Park Post Office issued this stamp in 2011 to commemorate Jor, The Park’s First Leader

The speeches were long, the weather was frigid, and the musicians packed up too soon, but as Animals gathered yesterday to honour Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy, what was most on their minds was the sustainability of our way of life and the future of Animal self-rule.

“I have high hopes for zoocracy, but not for the system we’ve put in place to run it,” said Antoine Lézard, president of the Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP).

“I think it’s high time we realized that we are mature enough to elect our own leaders, rather than have some lottery pick them.”

Lézard’s view was echoed by many who attended the celebration. Indeed, a recent poll conducted by the Department of Statistics and Records in conjunction with the Department of Political Administration, showed that almost fifty per cent of Park citizens think some form of change in the political system would be helpful.

Despite that result, Sylvana Rana, president of Save Our Political System (SOPS), insists that the present system of sortition works best and, in her words, “is the only thing that protects us from becoming a Human-like society.”

“We’ve seen what goes on in societies that have elections. It’s not only the elections that are the problem; it’s what goes on beforehand … the manipulation, the lying, the cheating. What is superior about that? At least, with sortition, we know that we all have an equal chance to participate and we come to the job in an honest fashion. I see no need to change anything,” she said.

But despite the discussion among Park citizens, there is no evidence that the 2015 Archons plan to make any changes, at least not in the first half of their term.

“They [the Archons] are focused on the economy and dealing with inequality. The present system was established by Jor and there are no plans on the table to discuss its reform,” says the Archons’ press secretary, Balthasar Alouatta.

OTD in 2017—Tavros scores interview coup with zoocracy founder’s biographer

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3d-tabby-king-1Yannis Tavros has scored a major media coup by booking an exclusive, pre-publication interview with the author of a new biography of The Park’s first leader.

Yoshita Tigru will join Tavros on his Toro Talk Radio show on Friday, February 10, to discuss her book, George Livingstone Barnaby Cuthbert: The Tabby King. Four days later, The Park will celebrate the anniversary of Jor’s birth.

In the new biography, which is bound to spark controversy when it hits the shelves on February 15, Tigru claims that The Park’s revered first leader considered establishing a form of monarchy before he fixed on the idea of  zoocracy, or complete Animal self-rule.

Tigru, who was allowed full access to all the extant papers of George Livingstone Barnaby Cuthbert (Jor), including the entirety of his sister’s diary, The AutoZOËography of ZoëCat, cites his sister as a “major force” behind both his political aspirations and his political decisions.

“There is no doubt that her rôle went far beyond that of a sounding board or even an advisor,” Tigru has said in the past.

This view aligns with that of another of Jor’s biographers, Daphne D.S. Katze, whose 2014 book, Jor: The Extraordinary Life of an Ordinary Cat, claims that it was Jor’s sister who turned his attention away from “simple Feline pleasures” to the idea of promoting harmony among the species in The Park.

Katze, who had only limited access to Zoë’s historical tome, has said recently that she was envious of Tigru’s unfettered access, but would “absolutely” trust her interpretation of what she read.

Free tickets to Tigru’s February 26 book launch are available at The Literary Apothecary. The launch will begin with a short reading at two o’clock, followed by a Q&A session and paw printing.

OTD in 2016—Directors’ Guild ousted me as prez due to my politics: Douglas Cheetah

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Douglas Cheetah photoRenowned director Douglas Cheetah claims he was ousted as president of the Park Directors’ Guild (PDG) because of his vocal criticism of The Park’s political system and especially because of his opposition to the continuation of sortition as a method of selecting The Park’s governing body.

“My politics offended them [the PDG) and for that I am not sorry. But the issue is that political beliefs have nothing to do with my ability to serve effectively on behalf of The Park’s directors,” Cheetah told host Yannis Tavros of Toro Talk Radio yesterday.

The director, who is best known for his award-winning film Black Cats Can’t Jump and for a moving and insightful documentary about an interspecial family, became a spokesAnimal for The Park’s pro-election group, Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP) last April.

“The only way that I can see to stop the ongoing erosion of the principles of zoocracy is to establish a system in which we choose our leaders directly,” he said at the time.

The Park Directors’ Guild has made no comment on the situation other than to announce that Varden I.W. Spaniel will replace Cheetah as president on the fifteenth of this month. Spaniel is best known for his film, Stuffed Dogs Don’t Shed, for which he received the Golden Cap, the Guild’s highest honour, in 2009.

OTD in 2016—Just(ice) what was said: Augustus Dindon presides over his seventeenth swearing-in ceremony

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Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon

Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon swore in the 2016 Archons on Saturday

With a nod to the stability that tradition affords, the swearing-in ceremony of the 2016 Archons was presided over by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court. This was the seventeenth consecutive swearing-in ceremony over which Justice Dindon has presided.

Wearing traditional judicial garb, The Park’s most notorious magistrate asked each of the 35 new Archons to swear to “represent to the best of my ability and without prejudice the citizens and residents of The Park,” and to “preserve the tenets of zoocracy as laid out by Jor, the founder of modern zoocracy and The Park’s first leader.”

As each swore to uphold zoocracy in The Park, a member of the Endeka Elephant Band struck a drum. After the final oath was taken, the Archons were paraded in front of the crowd, which was the largest that this event has attracted.

Afterwards, the Archons, along with Mr. Justice Dindon and a host of other dignitaries, including many former Archons and Chief Archons, retired indoors for a celebratory repast.

As usual, the Archons will give their first address on Groundhog Day.

OTD in 2017—Names of 2017 Archons announced

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zoocracy-35The names of the 35 Animals who will form The Park’s 2017 government have been released.

In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons was posted at the Law Courts early this morning, an hour after the selection was certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The list will remain posted at the Law Courts until the end of the week so that Park citizens and residents may review the names, Archon Transition Team spokesAnimal N.V. Hoatzin told The Mammalian Daily.

Readers of this newspaper need look no further than the bottom of this article, however. The Mammalian Daily is the only Park newspaper given permission to publish the list of names.

The 35 Animals, who were selected to be Archons through the process of sortition, will be sworn in at a ceremony that will take place tomorrow morning at 10:00. Tens of thousands of Park citizens are expected to attend the swearing-in ceremony, which will be held at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre. As well, many thousands more will be able to watch the event on television. The Park Broadcasting Corporation (PBC), which holds exclusive rights to the swearing-in ceremony, will once again dedicate its entire morning programming schedule to the event.

ARCHONS – 2017
Kuttu, Klarissa Escalade (Chief Archon)

Amphiuma, Dudley; Arowana, Donat; Bonobo, Nakato; Cangrejo, José Basilio; Chameleon, Seymour; Crayfish, Thomas Frederick; Datnoid, Wattana; Deer, Alfhild; Gecko, Theodore Maximilian; Hoopoe, Imara; Kakkalakki, Njáll Jóhan; Kungsfiskare, Olaf Greger; Lehm, Aleksandra Elisabet; Lionfish, Elliott; Lizard, Marcela; Mantis Henry; Molly, Johannes; Mudpuppy, Ralph; Newt, Rodney; Oscar, Karma; Owl, Dominique Françoise; Pająk, Ilona; Polar Bear, Clovinda; Polipo, Dante Aurelio; Puffin, Nathan Edward; Puma, Sofia Ioanna; Quetzal, Tania Jimena Izabella; Salamander, Quentin Holder; Sammakko, Aava Matilda; Slange, Anika Kamilla; Tarantula, Xiomara; Taube, Ekkehardt; Tortoise, Aristodama; Turtle, Todd.

OTD in 2016—Countdown to our next government: 2016 Archons to be announced Friday

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Jan 15The names of the 35 Animals who will form The Park’s 2016 government will be released on Friday.

In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons will be posted at the Law Courts in the early hours of January 15, exactly an hour after the selection is certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The Mammalian Daily will publish the list on its web site as soon as it is made public.

OTD in 2017—“Sortition Shakes” on the rise as citizens feel the strain of possible Archonship

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sortition-shakes

No, it’s not a snack. Or even a dance. It’s a real psychological condition that afflicts Park citizens. And it’s on the rise.

According to Park therapists, cases of  “Sortition Shakes” or “Lottery Nerves,” as they are also known, are up substantially this year. And, they say, it’s not surprising.

“I would say it was to be expected,” says Dr. Chloris Cougar of the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine.

“We’ve seen increasing pressure on the Archons, as zoocracy has matured and the expectations of Park government have grown,” she says. “It’s not surprising that a position that was once almost ceremonial but which now carries with it heavy responsibilities, should produce feelings of anxiety, and almost dread, in those who feel they may not be up to the task.”

Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon, a Park psychotherapist who also serves as a staff member at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic agrees.

“I’m seeing many of my former patients return for help with severe cases of the Sortition Shakes,” she says.

Dr. Gibbon says many are “racked by guilt” that they are not more knowledgeable and they are anxious about their abilities to make decisions that could prove life-altering for Park citizens.

“I also think that this year’s celebration of the thirty-fifth anniversary of zoocracy has added even more weight to the position,” she says. “They know all eyes will be on them and they’re worried about doing the right thing if they are selected.”

OTD in 2016—Winter Solstice celebration unofficial kick-off to zoocracy’s 35th birthday bash

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Next week’s celebration of the Winter Solstice will not only be spectacular, it will be “a taste of things to come,” according to Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

In fact, the annual Winter festival will be the “unofficial kick-off” to The Park’s year-long celebration of the thirty-fifth anniversary of zoocracy.

The “totality of Park life” will be celebrated in 2017, not just Animal self-rule, Kanariar told reporters at a press conference yesterday.

“Every aspect of our culture, our politics, and our life here will be represented in our 2017 celebrations,” she said. “It will be a chance for all of us to come together and acknowledge this great thing that we have accomplished in The Park.”

And, should you feel a case of Non-Hibernators’ guilt coming on, Kanariar was quick to assure that “every Animal’s species and way of life will be recognized” and every Animal will have a chance to attend the many events planned for 2017.

As for the Winter Solstice, Kanariar said the full schedule will be released on the weekend.

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