The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2017—Names of 2017 Archons announced

By

zoocracy-35The names of the 35 Animals who will form The Park’s 2017 government have been released.

In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons was posted at the Law Courts early this morning, an hour after the selection was certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The list will remain posted at the Law Courts until the end of the week so that Park citizens and residents may review the names, Archon Transition Team spokesAnimal N.V. Hoatzin told The Mammalian Daily.

Readers of this newspaper need look no further than the bottom of this article, however. The Mammalian Daily is the only Park newspaper given permission to publish the list of names.

The 35 Animals, who were selected to be Archons through the process of sortition, will be sworn in at a ceremony that will take place tomorrow morning at 10:00. Tens of thousands of Park citizens are expected to attend the swearing-in ceremony, which will be held at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre. As well, many thousands more will be able to watch the event on television. The Park Broadcasting Corporation (PBC), which holds exclusive rights to the swearing-in ceremony, will once again dedicate its entire morning programming schedule to the event.

ARCHONS – 2017
Kuttu, Klarissa Escalade (Chief Archon)

Amphiuma, Dudley; Arowana, Donat; Bonobo, Nakato; Cangrejo, José Basilio; Chameleon, Seymour; Crayfish, Thomas Frederick; Datnoid, Wattana; Deer, Alfhild; Gecko, Theodore Maximilian; Hoopoe, Imara; Kakkalakki, Njáll Jóhan; Kungsfiskare, Olaf Greger; Lehm, Aleksandra Elisabet; Lionfish, Elliott; Lizard, Marcela; Mantis Henry; Molly, Johannes; Mudpuppy, Ralph; Newt, Rodney; Oscar, Karma; Owl, Dominique Françoise; Pająk, Ilona; Polar Bear, Clovinda; Polipo, Dante Aurelio; Puffin, Nathan Edward; Puma, Sofia Ioanna; Quetzal, Tania Jimena Izabella; Salamander, Quentin Holder; Sammakko, Aava Matilda; Slange, Anika Kamilla; Tarantula, Xiomara; Taube, Ekkehardt; Tortoise, Aristodama; Turtle, Todd.

OTD in 2016—Countdown to our next government: 2016 Archons to be announced Friday

By

Jan 15The names of the 35 Animals who will form The Park’s 2016 government will be released on Friday.

In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons will be posted at the Law Courts in the early hours of January 15, exactly an hour after the selection is certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The Mammalian Daily will publish the list on its web site as soon as it is made public.

OTD in 2017—“Sortition Shakes” on the rise as citizens feel the strain of possible Archonship

By

sortition-shakes

No, it’s not a snack. Or even a dance. It’s a real psychological condition that afflicts Park citizens. And it’s on the rise.

According to Park therapists, cases of  “Sortition Shakes” or “Lottery Nerves,” as they are also known, are up substantially this year. And, they say, it’s not surprising.

“I would say it was to be expected,” says Dr. Chloris Cougar of the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine.

“We’ve seen increasing pressure on the Archons, as zoocracy has matured and the expectations of Park government have grown,” she says. “It’s not surprising that a position that was once almost ceremonial but which now carries with it heavy responsibilities, should produce feelings of anxiety, and almost dread, in those who feel they may not be up to the task.”

Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon, a Park psychotherapist who also serves as a staff member at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic agrees.

“I’m seeing many of my former patients return for help with severe cases of the Sortition Shakes,” she says.

Dr. Gibbon says many are “racked by guilt” that they are not more knowledgeable and they are anxious about their abilities to make decisions that could prove life-altering for Park citizens.

“I also think that this year’s celebration of the thirty-fifth anniversary of zoocracy has added even more weight to the position,” she says. “They know all eyes will be on them and they’re worried about doing the right thing if they are selected.”

OTD in 2016—Winter Solstice celebration unofficial kick-off to zoocracy’s 35th birthday bash

By

Next week’s celebration of the Winter Solstice will not only be spectacular, it will be “a taste of things to come,” according to Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

In fact, the annual Winter festival will be the “unofficial kick-off” to The Park’s year-long celebration of the thirty-fifth anniversary of zoocracy.

The “totality of Park life” will be celebrated in 2017, not just Animal self-rule, Kanariar told reporters at a press conference yesterday.

“Every aspect of our culture, our politics, and our life here will be represented in our 2017 celebrations,” she said. “It will be a chance for all of us to come together and acknowledge this great thing that we have accomplished in The Park.”

And, should you feel a case of Non-Hibernators’ guilt coming on, Kanariar was quick to assure that “every Animal’s species and way of life will be recognized” and every Animal will have a chance to attend the many events planned for 2017.

As for the Winter Solstice, Kanariar said the full schedule will be released on the weekend.

OTD in 2015—Sierpinski Squirrel replaces Blandine Okapi on Archon Transition Team

By

Sierpinski Squirrel Sierpinski Squirrel has joined the Archon Transition Team.

ATT spokesAnimal N.V. Hoatzin made the announcement at a short press conference yesterday afternoon.

“We are pleased to announce that Sierpinski Squirrel has joined the Archon Transition Team. We are confident that he will make an excellent team member and we look forward to working with him for a long time to come,” Hoatzin said.

The Squirrel, who is Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners, replaces Blandine Okapi, who resigned her position on the team last year, citing “philosophical differences.” This new appointment brings the team back up to its regular membership of thirteen and comes just in time for the annual transition preparations.

The addition of Sierpinski to the team was hailed by many in The Park’s political community, particularly those who are avid supporters of sortition, the lottery system by which The Park’s thirty-five Archons are chosen annually.

“I think Sierpinski was by far the best choice,” said Sylvana Rana in a radio interview this morning. The president of Save Our Political System (SOPS) said Sierpinski has “proven his loyalty to zoocracy” through his support of the political system that was established by Jor, The Park’s first leader.

The other members of the Archon Transition Team expressed their approval, as well. In a joint press release issued this morning, they welcomed Sierpinski and confirmed that the team’s first meeting would be held on December 15.

OTD in 2016—Archons unveil plans for celebration of 35th anniversary of zoocracy

By

35-plus-borderThis January, The Park will begin a year-long celebration of our thirty-five years of Animal self-rule, the Archons announced today.

At a press conference this morning, Chief Archon Abayomi Tanishia Cuckoo revealed some of the plans that she said have been underway for a couple of years—and through several sets of Archons.

“This was the first file that our transition team was handed,” she said, “and we were the third set of Archons to work on it.”

And, according to Cuckoo, they will not be the last. The 2016 Archons, whose tenure ends in mid-January, will hand over the celebration’s reins to the next group of Archons.

“It would have been unfair not to allow them to contribute to a celebration of which they will be so much a part,” she said.

The plans announced today include art gallery and museum exhibitions, the publication of commemorative books and photographs, concerts, and a large number of public celebrations, full of, as Cuckoo put it, “great food and fun.”

“We’ve worked with institutions and groups including the Park Historical Society, the University of West Terrier, the Institute for the Study of Mammalian Life, and, of course, The Park Museum, to bring a wide range of experience and views to the celebration of our lives under zoocracy. But, now, we’re inviting our citizens, the great Animals who have made The Park a successful zoocracy, to share their ideas,” she said.

To this end, Cuckoo announced that the Archons, in conjunction with the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, will host a dedicated web site to collect Park citizens’ thoughts, memories, and celebration ideas. More information on the site will be forthcoming.

“This will be a celebration of and for all,” she said.

OTD in 2014—Okapi quits Archon Transition Team, citing “philosophical differences”

By

Blandine OkapiBlandine Okapi has resigned from the Archon Transition Team.

In a statement released this morning, Okapi thanked her Team members for their “generosity” in welcoming her to the Team and said that she had learned an “unfathomable” amount during her tenure.

Nevertheless, she wrote, her political ideas had evolved over the last few years to the point that she felt continuing on the Team constituted a “conflict of interest.”

“I cannot, in all conscience, perform my duties on the Archon Transition Team when, deep in my heart, I no longer feel that sortition is the best method for choosing our Archons,” she wrote.

Since the establishment of zoocracy, sortition or the lottery or allotment method, has been the only method used to select The Park’s 35 Archons.

Calling the last three Park governments “unwieldy and ineffective,” Okapi said she had felt forced to “seriously consider” the other side of things and last month she joined the Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP).

“I think zoocracy has matured to the point where it would be appropriate for us to take matters into our own hands and elect our governing officials and I intend to work, along with other members of CASP, to make that a reality,” her statement concluded.

Archon Transition Team spokesAnimal N.V. Hoatzin has made no comment thus far on Okapi’s resignation.

OTD in 2015—Less than three weeks left to confirm your eligibility for Archon selection: DPA

By

The Department of Political Administration (DPA) has issued a reminder to all Park citizens: you have until the end of October to confirm your eligibility to stand as a candidate for Archon.

“The department wishes to remind all adult Park citizens that, by law, they must confirm their eligibility to stand as candidates for Archon and they must do so by the end of October,” says the reminder.

According to the rules of zoocracy, illness constitutes the only exception to this rule. Animals who are ill and who believe they would be unable to fulfil their duties as Archon due to their illness are required to advise the department of their circumstances by submitting a Form 12.

“Since sortition is the method by which we select Archons, we depend on the full cooperation of adult citizens,” DPA spokesAnimal Antoinette Fourmi said in a radio interview this morning.

And lest you consider withholding your name for any reason, Fourmi reminded listeners that last year, one citizen did just that and found himself charged and convicted  of “Cease to Care.”

“Because all of this was established at the time of zoocracy as an obligation of citizenship, we take it very seriously when Animals refuse to participate,” she said.

OTD in 2015—Pro-election group finds support in esteemed director Douglas Cheetah

By

Douglas CheetahThe Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP) now has an ally in the person of award-winning film director, Douglas Cheetah.

In a statement released this morning by Cheetah himself, he says that he has come to the “sad conclusion” that the only path to true equality among the species is the establishment of free elections to choose the members of The Park’s governing body (the 35 Archons who serve a one-year term).

“I had always hoped otherwise, but it appears that we have let tensions among the different species interfere with our good sense. The only way that I can see to stop the ongoing erosion of the principles of zoocracy is to establish a system in which we choose our leaders directly,” he says.

Although CASP president Antoine Lézard claims he was “stunned” by Cheetah’s announcement, media-watchers say they saw it coming, after Cheetah sat down for an interview last month with Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros. In that interview, they say, Cheetah hinted at his change of allegiance.

“Speaking on behalf of a beleaguered group, that is striped and spotted Animals,” Cheetah said to Tavros, “I believe there are political solutions to the problems that, in the past, we have been too timid to consider,” he said.

Although he refused to elaborate on his thoughts during that interview, many believed that Cheetah was advocating the end of sortition.

CASP’s Lézard, who is himself a striped Animal, says he believes that Cheetah’s “realization” will influence many Park Animals to seriously consider the issue.

“We all understand what a very difficult situation we are in, since sortition was the method of governing that our founder, Jor, established. But we may have reached the point at which we have to consider other options. The Park has matured in the many years since zoocracy was established, but our political system has not kept pace,” he says.

OTD in 2015—On the anniversary of Jor’s birth, The Park contemplates its zoocratic future

By

Jor, The Park's First LeaderThe speeches were long, the weather was frigid, and the musicians packed up too soon, but as Animals gathered yesterday to honour Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy, what was most on their minds was the sustainability of our way of life and the future of Animal self-rule.

“I have high hopes for zoocracy, but not for the system we’ve put in place to run it,” said Antoine Lézard, president of the Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP).

“I think it’s high time we realized that we are mature enough to elect our own leaders, rather than have some lottery pick them.”

Lézard’s view was echoed by many who attended the celebration. Indeed, a recent poll conducted by the Department of Statistics and Records in conjunction with the Department of Political Administration, showed that almost fifty per cent of Park citizens think some form of change in the political system would be helpful.

Despite that result, Sylvana Rana, president of Save Our Political System (SOPS), insists that the present system of sortition works best and, in her words, “is the only thing that protects us from becoming a Human-like society.”

“We’ve seen what goes on in societies that have elections. It’s not only the elections that are the problem; it’s what goes on beforehand … the manipulation, the lying, the cheating. What is superior about that? At least, with sortition, we know that we all have an equal chance to participate and we come to the job in an honest fashion. I see no need to change anything,” she said.

But despite the discussion among Park citizens, there is no evidence that the 2015 Archons plan to make any changes, at least not in the first half of their term.

“They [the Archons] are focused on the economy and dealing with inequality. The present system was established by Jor and there are no plans on the table to discuss its reform,” says the Archons’ press secretary, Balthasar Alouatta.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

January 2026
M T W T F S S
 1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728293031