The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

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Archives for June 2013

Domestication survivor: “I was a famous Human’s pet!”

By

Hercule Parrot

 

The audience listened intently last night as one of The Park’s most famous novelists spoke candidly about his struggle to escape life as the pet of a famous Human.

Hercule Parrot, 2012 Chitter Radio Literary Award winner and part-time mentor at BirdBrains, The Park’s first Avian mentoring programme, alternated between the emotional and the entertaining as he described his daily life in a “gilded cage.”

“Everything was made available to me. Everything I needed, I was given…food, company, friends, toys…I lacked for nothing, except for autonomy and the ability to live my life as I wanted to, in a truly free and Avian way.”

Holding court at the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond during the last scheduled event held in conjunction with Enforced Domestication Awareness Month, Parrot mesmerized his audience of thousands, regaling them with tales of treats, grooming sessions, voyages to exotic locations, movie offers and more.

Parrot made it clear, however, that it was not a life he would have chosen for himself nor would he recommend it to any Animal. Calling it “wholly unnatural,” he warned his listeners not to succumb to the idea of “the easy way.”

“The easy way is tempting, but it is not as easy a life as it sounds,” he said.

“Living with Humans usually means you do not go hungry for food. But the hunger for your natural way of life, for Animal companionship, for the ability to direct your own life, that is something you hunger for every day. Not a day went by that I wasn’t plotting my escape, planning the route I would take from that hand that fed me to freedom.”

Although speaking to a largely anti-Human audience, Parrot did not downplay the role of emotional attachment in the domestication process and spoke openly about the sense of guilt he felt when he finally fled the Human who had domesticated him.

“It’s a myth that you can live in a domestic situation — even an enforced one — and not have feelings for your keeper. And that attachment is difficult to break. Many times, I berated myself for it and wondered if I truly desired freedom. But my reluctance to leave really was due, in part, to the attachment that I felt toward my Human keeper,” he said.

Eventually, Parrot did escape and made his way to The Park, where he has resided for more than two decades. He credits The Park’s “outstanding” refugee services with his ability to find happiness in his new community. And, though he has not had any contact with his ex-keeper, he says he thinks about him almost every day.

“Enforced domestication stays with you for life. It affects everything you do, everything you think, every way you react. You take a certain sadness with you everywhere you go. That’s just the way it is and that is the reason we must be vigilant and prevent its occurrence as much as possible,” he said.

New “Beats of Burden”music fest will aid Park refugees

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What a difference a letter makes!

Despite having decided months before that their comeback would include an annual charity concert in aid of The Park’s refugees, the Beasts of Burden found themselves putting off an official announcement. Stopped dead in their tracks by their inability to find an appropriate name for the event, they even considered shelving the project, worthy though they thought it was.

“I understood the problem, but I couldn’t help. They didn’t just want to put their name on it and call it ‘The Annual Beasts of Burden Charity Concert.’ They wanted the name to have more meaning than that,” said the band’s manager, Ignatius Herder.

“So, we had a meeting at The Draft (the band’s pub) to strategize. Alfredo (Ox, the band’s lead singer) started filling out some forms that we needed and then Haimo (Maultier) noticed he’d left a letter out of the word ‘Beasts,’ so it read, ‘Beats of Burden.’ We all laughed, then we looked at each other and we knew we were all thinking the same thing.”

And that is how the annual “Beats of Burden” Music Festival was born.

“It was pure genius and one hundred per cent serendipitous,” laughs Ox. “If I’d been more careful, we’d still be sitting there planning, instead of announcing the biggest charity music festival ever in The Park.”

With almost every Park band and singer signed on to the event, the new festival promises to be something truly out of the ordinary.

“A concert can only do so much, but a festival, with all sorts of different music and events and other things tied in…we can really make a difference to the lives of The Park’s refugees,” says an excited Ox.

The festival, which is scheduled to begin at sunrise on September 14 will go on for three days, with the music expected to last late into each night.

“The way I see it, they’re [the audience] going to have to ask us to go home. We’re not going to want to stop playing. Nobody is,” says Maultier.

Just the facts

What:    The Beats of Burden Music Festival
When:   Every year from now on; September 14-16 inclusive, sunrise to whenever
Where:  At venues across The Park; expect more details in the coming weeks
Why:     To raise funds in aid of The Park’s refugees
Who:     Almost all Park bands and singers; expect some “surprises” as well

“Stereotype Sundays” aim to foster harmony among species

By

Stereotype Sunday

 

In their continuing effort to foster interspecial harmony in The Park, the 2013 Archons have instituted a series of public gatherings that will take place every Sunday at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.

“Stereotype Sundays,” as they will be called, are the latest in a long list of administrative efforts to promote the kind of peaceful coexistence among species that Jor hoped to achieve when he established modern zoocracy in The Park 31 years ago.

But, as the Archons admitted this morning when they announced this latest venture, “almost every success in this area has been hard-won. Worthwhile…and a major step forward, but hard-won.”

This new idea, which was unanimously approved by the Archons in April, differs in its approach in that it is meant “to encourage Animals to be open about what they think and how they feel,” said Chief Archon Dewi Rhinoceros this morning.

“Free is the operative word,” she emphasized.

“We want all Animals to feel free to bring something to these gatherings. And by that, I mean, to bring their beliefs, their ideas about other species. We want to hear what they think, what their ancestors taught them. We are going to try not to judge, but to educate…to illuminate. After all, we are a community of thousands of different species…there is bound to be an abundance of misinformation,” she said.

The gatherings will begin on Sunday, June 23. For the first event, the Archons have requested that those attending bring a “stereotype” of their own species to the forum.

“An idea, a picture, a quotation…anything…as long as it will spark discussion. That is all we need,” said the Rhinoceros.

The 5 Ws of it all:

Who:    All Park Animals, including citizens, residents, regular visitors, and their friends and families
What:   “Stereotype Sundays”
When:   Every Sunday, 1:00 pm until 6:00 pm
Where:  Ancient, Open-Air Theatre
Why: To foster harmony among all the species that live in The Park by dispelling myths and understanding others’ beliefs

Theatre Review: The Sound of One Nut Cracking

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Mixed Nuts Stage Play PosterThe power is in the understatements in “Mixed Nuts,” the compelling one-Chipmunk drama that opened for a short time in Alepou (November) and is scheduled for a return engagement this Barnabus (February) at the Park Repertory Theatre.

This should come as no surprise, given that the author is Imogen Aardeekhoorn, who has adapted her now famous chronicles for the stage. Understatement is the hallmark of Chipmunk literature and Aardeekhoorn ranks among the best of her species, drawing on the tradition as if she were sucking sand from a straw. Take, for example, the line with which she concludes the story of her harrowing escape from a trap that was set in the backyard of a house outside The Park: “It wasn’t my time.”

A lesser writer might say more but Aardeekhoorn, played by the lovely and lively Millicent Hayberry, need not explain. We know, from the get-go, how she will react to the many challenges of modern Chipmunk life. We are also privileged to be her confidantes as she lays bare her feelings about herself, her ancestors, and her species as a whole, in this deeply personal account that lasts only sixty-five minutes but sweeps across the terrain of some fifty generations.

The struggle of Park Chipmunks has not gone uncharted; as a founding family, they have experienced the best and the worst of The Park. But it is a rare occasion on which a member of this secretive species speaks openly about the struggle for survival, the trials of colonial life, and the emotional burden that is placed on a generation born and raised in a world unfamiliar to its parents.

The strength of the piece lies in this rarity; the operative word here is “speak.” Having read the original chronicles in hardshell, I wondered whether Aardeekhoorn’s voice could translate faithfully to the stage. I needn’t have worried; a seasoned performer such as Millicent Hayberry could not do otherwise but bring authenticity to the rôle. She does so brilliantly, all the while infusing it with an “everyAnimal” sensibility that draws us closer to her with every revelation.

And it is here that Hayberry reveals the full range of her dramatic and vocal artistry. Few of the “great secrets” that she is given to impart are, in fact, unknown to the audience. Aardeekhoorn’s life is legendary in The Park; the secrets of this “twitching teller of tales” are, at once, shocking, familiar, and predictable. Yet, in mining the depths of her own emotions, Hayberry conveys Aardeekhoorn’s own sense of shock and dismay and jolts the audience out of its complacency. No longer predictable, she disarms and charms her captive audience for the full sixty-five minutes. It is a performance well worth studying for her technique alone.

A good deal of credit for the play’s vigour must go to director Donald Merriami, whose fluid style marries well with Hayberry’s vocal dynamism. Praise must also go to set designer, Roland Xerus, whose faux burrow is exquisitely lit by Constantine Lampris, and to costume designer, Oberon Pavo, whose “over-the-top” stripes add an extra dimension to the drama.

MIXED NUTS
By Imogen Aardeekhoorn, based upon her chronicles; directed by Donald Merriami; sets by Roland Xerus; costumes by Oberon Pavo; lighting by Constantine Lampris; sound by Marit Chauna; production stage manager, Burkhard Shepherd; associate director, A.S. Tami. Presented by Hudson Meerkat and Anthony Abert, executive producers. At the Park Repertory Theatre, 2-13 Alepou (returning 14 Barnabus-32 Varrah). Running time: 65 minutes.

This article originally appeared in Issue #117 of The Mammalian Daily

Fish make big splash at Chitter Radio Literary Awards

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The Park's Fish population made a big splash at this year's Chitter Radio Literary Awards

While it may be stretching it a bit to suggest that The Park’s Fish population might be in ascendance, it is safe to say that our aquatic kin made their presence felt at this year’s Chitter Radio Literary Awards.

For the first time since the awards were established eighteen years ago (as The Park Literary Awards), almost every category included at least one entry from our Piscine population.

The humour category overflowed with Fishy fun and foolishness, from the darkly humorous, “Roll Over and Stare” to the somewhat frothy “Flash Fish.” While neither netted first prize in the category (that honour went to “Trooping the Collar” by Clement Samuel Tervuren), their nomination served notice to both the judges and The Park’s readers that aquatic humour has evolved.

Indeed, in her book, “Brevity and the Wit of Sole,” which was nominated in both the humour and memoir categories, Evangeline Solea writes with poignancy about her early career in comedy and humour writing and her fight against the “Flatfish stereotypes.”

“Everywhere, the view was that Fish weren’t funny…particularly Flatfish. And, in the first few years of my career, I was baited constantly, but I refused to give up,” she writes in Chapter 3 of her book which she titled, “Swimming Against the Current.”

Solea’s book won in the memoir category and another Piscine author took home a prize, as well. For her critically-acclaimed work, “The View from Under the Plastic Palace,” Barbara Puntius Everetti was declared the Most Promising Newcomer.

Declan Wolfhound’s critically acclaimed “The Upward Curve” took the prize for best novel, while poet Gwendolyn Slang’s “Locomotion” won the poetry award and short story writer Tedesco Tuatara took home the prize for his twentieth collection, “The Long and Short of It.”

As expected, Tab Tricolore’s most recent volume, “The Feral Roots of our Festive Cuisine,” won in the non-fiction category. It was also no surprise that the award for the best political work went to Dante Reginald Kodiak’s controversial best seller, “If We Chain the World: How Fences Alter the Way We See Ourselves and Others.”

Veteran playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn, author of the highly acclaimed “Mixed Nuts,” received the prize for her most recent work,”Truffles.” She was also honoured for her efforts on behalf of the Park Repertory Theatre.

June in The Park: what’s coming up (along with the Roses)

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June 2013 calendar

As we prepare to enter the third week of June, The Mammalian Daily would like to remind you of several important events that will take place in The Park this month.

Chitter Radio Literary Awards

Chitter Radio Literary Awards LogoFormerly The Park Literary Awards, the Chitter Radio Literary Awards are considered the most prestigious literary awards in The Park. Presentation ceremonies: June 15

FelineFictionFest croppedFeline Fiction Fest

Now in its 15th year, The Park’s Feline Fiction Fest is the world’s only literary festival dedicated to Feline writing. The three-day festival takes place June 16-18

 

Important Information for Estivators

Central Bank of The ParkLast day for pre-estivation bank deposits: June 28

Official Estivation date: June 29

Central Bank of The Park closed for mid-year tally: June 30

“Best Dam” commencement address draws mixed reviews

By

"Best Dam" speechThe address given at the University of West Terrier’s commencement ceremonies on June 1 has drawn mixed reviews from The Park’s citizenry and criticism from some members of its political community. The address, which was passionately delivered by Anatoly Boris Beaver, has been criticized by some for the message they believe it sends to the University’s 2013 graduating class and to all Park youth.

In the speech, which has been dubbed by its critics as the “Best Dam speech of 2013,” Beaver implored the UWT graduates to look beyond innovation to excellence, itself.

“If you cannot produce something new, something unique, something that has never been produced before…if that is not something of which you are capable, don’t stop, don’t give up. Instead, strive to do the absolute best job that any Animal has ever done. Teach the lesson best, sing the song best, cook the best meal, build the best dam,” he said.

Beaver, who is managing partner of Overeager Beaver Architects, was tipped to be the 2013 speaker after his company won the Park Dwelling Design Award this year. A source close to members of the University’s Commencement Advisory Committee (CAC) told The Mammalian Daily that the CAC wanted a member of The Park’s business community to address the 2013 graduating class to “broaden their ideas of post-graduation Park life.”

Some in the commencement audience, however, felt the speech did not deliver on that promise.

“That has to be one of the least inspirational speeches I’ve ever heard,” said one parent of a graduate.

Chief Archon Emeritus George Irving Nathan Gallagher Newt went further, accusing Beaver of effectively narrowing our youth’s field of vision.

“While I believe I understand his intent, I do not think that negativity is an appropriate sendoff for those who have worked so hard to receive an education,” he said.

Newt, who spearheaded a campaign to expand education at all levels in The Park, said he believes in the power of education to enable Animals “to create and to innovate and not just to imitate.”

“His [Beaver’s] message was not in line with my own hopes for The Park’s future,” he said.

For his part, Beaver says he was simply trying to emphasize the fact that “we cannot all be special, but we can do our best and be excellent at whatever we end up doing.”

Delays force Park Museum to seek storage for collection

By

Park Museum

Delays in the construction of the main building have forced the Park Museum to seek storage facilities elsewhere to house its growing collection of artefacts.

Delays in the construction of its main building are causing “enormous” problems for the Park Museum, its Board of  Directors admitted recently.

At a public Q & A held Friday at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, the Board members said that the hold-up in the start of construction was due to the weather problems The Park experienced this Spring.

“These problems, which are all too familiar to those who reside in The Park, have caused a significant delay in the construction of the main building,” said Sukuta Rhinoceros, one of the founders of the Museum and a member of its Board.

“We had hoped to see that building nearing completion by now since, as it will be the largest space, it was our intention to warehouse our collection of artefacts there. It seems that that has become impossible. We have, therefore, initiated a search for storage facilities elsewhere. It is our hope that we will be able to find a space large enough within The Park, as it would be extremely difficult for us to ensure the collection’s security outside The Park,” he said.

Rhinoceros also confirmed that the Museum is currently in talks with The Park’s Builders’ Guild (Association of Professional Park Construction Workers) regarding an accelerated construction schedule.

“This is a delicate matter, due to the noise component and the fact that the estivation period begins in just a few weeks,” he said. “We have a very small window of opportunity to work 24 hours a day, seven days a week. We are optimistic that the Guild will work with us on this,” he said.

When it is complete, the Park Museum will be the largest structure conceived and built in The Park since the establishment of zoocracy. Plans released at the Q & A show that the main building will be connected to the Museum’s other two buildings by an underground water tunnel. Green space surrounds the entire project at ground level and the roof of each building will offer nesting facilities in the Spring, Rhinoceros confirmed.

In response to questions regarding the Museum’s planned opening, Rhinoceros said he hoped the main building would be ready by the end of Autumn.

“If our main space is ready by the end of September, our planned opening will most certainly be a go. If there are further delays, we could be looking at an early Spring 2014 opening. But we are doing our best to avoid that,” he said.

Stoat calls for more diversity in Park’s dance community

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Park dance community lacks diversity

Choreograher Herman Stoat has called for more diversity in The Park’s dance community.

Acclaimed choreographer Herman Stoat is sounding the alarm about the lack of diversity in The Park’s professional dance community.

“We’re a pretty homogeneous group…mostly Mammals…and I don’t understand the reason for that,” he said at a gathering held to celebrate the debut of his new television show.

The Park’s premier choreographer says that, as the artistic director of his eponymous dance company, he has experienced first hand the difficulty in recruiting non-Mammalian species.

“We have auditions eight times a year and it’s such an effort to get them [non-Mammals] out. Several times a year, we advertise in papers like The Avian Messenger and The Ornis Interpreter. We know they have trained dancers; we know there are brilliant amateurs in many non-Mammalian communities…but we can’t seem to interest them in pursuing a professional career.”

To that end, Stoat says, he has initiated talks with members of The Park’s non-Mammalian communities to see if they are interested in partnering with his company to establish a school of dance.

“I see it as a feeder institution,” says Stoat. “We would be training the next generation of dancers, choreographers, and teachers…so that, in ten years, you might attend a performance of the Herman Stoat Dance Company and see Birds, Reptiles, Mammals, Insects…all dancing together. That is the dream that I would like to see become a reality.”

See also:

Herman Stoat named decade’s best choreographer
Reality TV series planned for Herman Stoat dance company

Heads roll at Insect Intelligencer in wake of scandal

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Insect Intelligencer

The Insect Intelligencer advised on its front page that it has accepted the resignation of its Editor-in-Chief and other employees who were involved in the June 3, 2013 scandal.

A shake up at The Insect Intelligencer has left its Editor-in-Chief and a number of other workers at the paper unemployed.

The long-established Park newspaper advised on its front page yesterday that it had accepted the resignations of Editor-in-Chief Fannia di Volo, as well as those of three community editors, four staff reporters and a number of other unnamed employees, in the wake of the June 4 scandal.

As of today, these positions remain unfilled, according to a spokesAnimal for the daily. The Intelligencer will continue to publish, however, as it overhauls its hiring and editorial policies.

The paper, which launched its own investigation into the matter on Monday, is also the subject of investigation by the Centre for the Study of Newspaper Activity in The Park (C-SNAP) and the Association of Non-Mammalian Park Newspapers (ANMPN).

While C-SNAP has no sanctioning authority, the ANMPN has confirmed that it is “looking very seriously” at levying a fine against the newspaper.

In an interview on Reptile Radio yesterday afternoon, ANMPN Executive Director Nathan R. DiPressa said the Association has plans to conduct a membership survey on the subject.

“This was a very serious breach of ethics and its effects are being felt by our entire membership. We intend to voice our concerns to the Intelligencer’s management in the very near future,” he said.

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