The Mammalian Daily

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Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Archives for December 2014

Noreen: TMD’s Animal of the Year

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lovely-to-look-at-back-coverBREAKING NEWS
The Mammalian Daily has chosen Noreen as its 2014 Animal of the Year.

In a press announcement this morning, TMD managing editor Orphea Haas said the newspaper’s staff chose to honour the advice columnist and adjunct professor of Human Studies because of her “tireless efforts” on behalf of zoocracy and her commitment to achieving harmony among the species.

“Noreen has been at the forefront in the struggle to achieve harmony among the species. She has been committed to interspecial understanding from the beginning of her career. She has worked tirelessly in an effort to help other Animals achieve awareness, understanding, and acceptance of our differences, thereby upholding one of the most important tenets of zoocracy. Her recent book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans, is just another example of her endeavours in this regard. Noreen is a true champion of zoocracy and an upstanding Park citizen and we are pleased to honour her as our 2014 Animal of the Year,” said Haas.

Park Museum bows to pressure, delays official opening until after hibernation

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Park MuseumThe Park Museum will celebrate its official opening in March rather than as previously stated in January, it was announced on Sunday.

In a short communiqué posted on its web site, the museum’s Board of Governors confirmed the official opening date of 1 March 2015.

No mention was made of any previous opening day announcements, nor was any reason given for the change. There is, however,  a record of a series of meetings that were held in late October between the museum’s Board of Governors and a number of organizations representing The Park’s hibernating communities. Many believe those meetings resulted in the later opening date.

“Yes, we did meet with them and they were very sympathetic to our situation, though they weren’t able to give us an answer immediately,” says Tarquinius P. Shrew, president of the Small Animal Scientific Community (SASC), many of whose members are hibernators.

“Our members have contributed greatly to scientific knowledge in The Park and they [the board of Governors] did seem to understand that opening the museum without our representation seemed unfair.”

Shrew says the meetings were also attended by representatives of the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) and the Confederation of Ground Squirrels (CGS).

In an interview this morning, Eduarda Teresinha Coelho, 2015 Keeper of the Nut, said she is “so pleased” that the museum re-thought its opening date.

“I think they were so focussed on not having another delay that they didn’t realize what they’d done initially,” she said.

“But they’ve demonstrated their commitment to inclusiveness and that will be much appreciated by the hibernators. It will make the museum truly ‘Our Museum,’ as the slogan says.”

Read the Park Museum’s announcement.

Gossip site reports Tab Tricolore sighting at Park’s west entrance

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headsNtales

Tab Tricolore sighted at Park’s west entrance: Gossip site headsNtales

DEVELOPING STORY
Gossip site headsNtales is reporting that renowned Park chef Tab Tricolore was sighted at The Park’s west entrance on Thursday, December 25.

The site’s co-founder, Hortencia Guacamayo, confirms that she has three separate sources who claim they saw Tricolore scurrying across the western border and into The Park on the evening of December 25.

The sources, who are known to the site but whose names have not yet been released, tell the same story, Guacamayo says.

“They say they saw a pair of Humans opening the door to a mobile prison cell … the description each [source] gave was the same and it sounded like the kind of thing that [Footpad Heaven manager] Adamma Bandicoot described when she saw Tab arrested,” says Guacamayo.

All three sources say they saw Tab run out the door of the prison cell, cross the border and enter the Park at the western end. None of the sources has seen him since.

Guacamayo says the three are “one hundred per cent certain” that the Animal they saw was Tricolore.

The Humans, according to the sources, picked up the prison cell and walked away.

“They were out of sight within a few minutes, but they turned around once to watch Tab scurry away,” Guacamayo reports.

“And according to one source, they looked sad. But another said they were smiling,” she says.

Police lift ban on travel outside Park, DWBS issues annual travel advisory

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Think Safety on Red Puzzle.BREAKING NEWS
In a tersely-worded statement released early this morning, Park Police announced an end to the ban on travel outside The Park.

“We are pleased to announce that the ban on travel outside The Park, imposed on December 8, has been lifted. At this time, however we would like to warn all Animals travelling outside our borders to be cautious and aware and, if possible, not to travel alone,” the statement says.

Shortly after the Police statement was released, the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) issued its annual travel advisory, warning Animals to be vigilant when interacting with Humans at this time of year.

“At all times, but especially during the holiday season, be aware of your surroundings and be vigilant when interacting with Humans, particularly if they are exhibiting sentimental behaviour,” the advisory warns.

“Park Animals should be on the lookout for a number of types of suspicious behaviour displayed by Humans. If, for instance, Humans attempt to entice you with food, make cooing noises at you or call you by names with which you are not familiar (such as ‘sweetie’ or ‘cutie’), if they speak of their desire for ‘animal companionship’ or say that they want to ‘rescue’ or ‘save’ you, this should prompt you to leave their company immediately. Do not hesitate to do so,” the advisory says.

“The sentimentality of the season makes Humans more likely to succumb to urges to take Animals home with them or to give them as gifts to other Humans,” says DWBS Director of Public Relations, Cornelius Kakapo.

“Especially at this time of year, Humans seem to lose the ability to see Animals as captains of their own destiny. They sincerely believe they are doing good when they remove us forcibly from our homes and families,” he says.

Any Animal who does experience a problem with Humans is encouraged to report the incident immediately to one of the following DWBS hotlines:

Feral Cat Helpline: 1-899-33725228
Assaulted Animals Helpline: 1-899-27728583
Missing Animals Registry: 1-899-64774642
Missing Family Members Report: 1-899-32645966
Youthline (Kittens, Puppies, Cubs, etc.): 1-899-96884546

In the midst of turmoil, the Solstice brings solace to The Park

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christmas

Drawing courtesy of Hani Gajah School of Art

The sun rose and set yesterday on the Celebration of the Winter Solstice.

The Doves of Peace circled high above while the Does wound their way through the crowd. But it wasn’t until 6:03 in the evening, when the sun stood still, that Park celebrants finally felt a sense of calm.

“That’s when I knew things were going to be all right,” says Dewi Beruang, who always attends the Celebration.

“That’s when I thought, ‘We will work this out. Zoocracy is too good a concept to fail.'”

The last minute lifting of the curfew that Police had imposed on Park Animals on December 8 added a needed boost to the festivities, as well.

“We were hoping it would happen, but we couldn’t be sure until we got the word at about noon,” says Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

“Then, a huge cheer went up through the crowd and I knew we were in for the long haul.”

That “long haul” lasted well past midnight. The food stations stayed open, the bands played extra sets, and the students from the Hani Gajah School of Art switched from painting portraits to painting faces. Even the Herman Stoat Dance Company offered an encore performance.

And all of it was appreciated. After the past few weeks of uncertainty, unrest, and outright fear, attendees seemed delighted to enjoy each other’s company and to look to the future again.

“It was … magical,” says Beruang. “Simply magical.”

The sun will rise and set on the Celebration of the Winter Solstice

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Winter SolsticeThe Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations has announced the itinerary and lineup for the 2014 Celebration of the Winter Solstice.

At a press conference last night, Aintza Kanariar, the Department’s director of public relations, confirmed that tomorrow’s festivities will begin at sunrise.

“This is the third time in the last seven years that the Winter Solstice celebrations have begun at sunrise. Because of the positive feedback we’ve received from past celebrants, we have decided to make it permanent,” she said.

The 2014 Celebration will incorporate some of the most successful components of past years’ festivities with some “surprises and innovations,” Kanariar said.

Some of The Park’s most popular music makers will perform, including Inktvis and Krake, The Feral Four, Eggie and the Pigs, SCENTient Beings, The Beasts of Burden, SpontaneousGeneration, rapper Will.o.be. and The Cynics. Invited special musical guests include Thisbe and the Barkettes and The All-Rodent Marching Band.

The Herman Stoat Dance Company will perform a new work, created for the occasion. This year’s dance, choreographed by Stoat and the company’s assistant choreographer Gustav Hermelin, will celebrate what Stoat has called, “the complicated road upon which we travel.”

Entitled “Le Chemin Compliqué,” the work will feature dancers from a wide variety of species, many of whom are not part of his company and some who are not what he calls “natural dancers.”

“This year, we chose our dancers first, then gave them intensive training in performance. It was gruelling for some of them, but very satisfying in the end,” he said in an interview last week.

Stoat also said that the work requires the attention of the audience.

“This is not one you can sleep through,” he said, laughing. “It is very metaphorical in its portrayal of Park life, but we believe it is well worth the focus and it will repay, minute for minute, in pleasure and understanding,” he said.

Other entertainment acts will include jugglers, clowns, and a Human imitator. And, while students from the Hani Gajah School of Art will paint “three-minute portraits” of Solstice celebrants, the Park Historical Society will offer revellers the opportunity to dress up in a variety of costumes and represent Park historical figures.

As always, a major component of the festivities will be the food. This year’s fare will hail from Clowder, The Draft, and The Pound Gastropub. Ants in Your Pantry and Provisions by Petrounel will once again send all attendees home with tasty party favours.

The Celebration of the Winter Solstice begins at sunrise on December 21. Food will be served until 11:00 pm. The Solstice will occur at 6:03 pm Local Park Time (LPT).

On the comeback trail, Thisbe takes a moment to say “thank you” to her fans

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Thisbe Laulaa cover

“I didn’t realize how important my fans were to me.”

TMD EXCLUSIVE: Excerpt from Laulaa® Magazine
Although Thisbe needs no introduction in The Park, she says that this time around, she’s determined “to let my fans in as much as possible so they know who I really am.”[pullquote]I never lost my bark but for a while, I lost my bite. — Thisbe[/pullquote]

As the founder and lead singer of The Park’s most popular group prepares for a comeback tour, she appears more settled and thoughtful than before.

“I didn’t realize how important my fans were to me,” she says in an exclusive interview in Laulaa® Magazine, due out on December 25.

“And I think they deserve a little more than I’ve given them … not in my singing so much, but in my time and thought.”

The singer has had a lot of time for thought the last few years. Since cancelling the group’s farewell tour in 2007, Thisbe has suffered from a variety of illnesses, the worst of which she says was melancholia.

“When I had to stop performing, I thought I would enjoy it. There were so many things I’d never done … so many of my senses I’d never used. But it didn’t turn out to be that way at all. First, I lost one of my littermates. And even though we weren’t exactly close, that loss hit home. It made me focus on what I really wanted and what I wanted to do. I could see that time was of the essence. But it took me a while before I could use that realization to any advantage. And in the meantime, I kept myself isolated, which was the exact opposite of what I had planned,” she says.

The star credits her fans, who never forgot her, with re-awakening her interest in living.

“I never lost my bark but for a while, I lost my bite,” she laughs.

The full interview with Thisbe will appear in Laulaa® Magazine, The Official Magazine of the Canine Music Association, on December 25, 2014. 

DWBS advises Police to ease curfew, lift ban on travel for Winter celebrations

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DWBS: ease curfew, lift travel ban

The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has advised Park Police to ease the curfew for Park Animals and to lift the current ban on travel outside The Park in advance of the Celebration of the Winter Solstice.

After a meeting this morning with the Archons, DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo announced the recommendation.

“After private consultations with the Archons, the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), and members of The Park’s health and welfare communities, the Department of Well-Being and Safety has reached the conclusion that it would be detrimental to the emotional, physical, and financial well-being of Park Animals to restrict their movements and cut short their celebration of the Winter Solstice,” he said.

Kakapo also confirmed that a series of meetings with the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) had convinced the department that continuation of the travel ban would have dire economic consequences for Park businesses, especially those that are food-related.

“We realized that we are risking impoverishment in our quest for security. We must be wary of overreaching in that regard,” he said.

Neither the Archons nor Park Police have commented thus far on the DWBS recommendations. The curfew and travel ban were enacted on December 8. The Celebration of the Winter Solstice takes place December 21.

SplotchWatch web site a dangerous sign of the times, say Park Police

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SplotchWatch

Web site names those who have had spots or stripes removed

A new web site could mean trouble for Park Animals and, ultimately, for zoocracy itself, Park Police tell The Mammalian Daily.

The web site, called “SplotchWatch,” has been under surveillance “for a few months now,” according to Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of The Park Police Force’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU).

“Its only purpose, as far as we can tell, is to name Animals who have had their spots or stripes removed,” he says. “It’s a dangerous sign of the times.”

The owner and operator of the site, whose name police will not reveal at this time, believes it is in the interest of “openness and honesty” to let Park Animals know who among them has altered their appearance.

“The owner of the site seems to believe that there is something intrinsically dishonest about that [stripe or spot removal] and his mission is to ensure that all Park Animals are made aware of this form of deception,” Addax says.

Police will continue to watch activity on the site and assess the effect it may or may not be having on Park life.

“If we see that the site is inducing hatred or violence toward any Animal or group of Animals, we will move in swiftly,” he says.

Otherwise, the operator of the web site is acting within his rights.

“He [the site’s owner] is walking a fine line here,” says Addax. “And we hope he realizes it.”

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