The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2016—DWBS to Archons, PFO: Increase aid to immigrants, domestication survivors

By

Animal Aid RaccoonAs Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM) draws to a close, the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has embarked on a new campaign to encourage the Archons and the Park Finance Office to allocate more funding to aid immigrants and the survivors of domestication.

In an open letter to the Archons and to PFO head Valentina Abeja, the DWBS cited alarming statistics that suggest that The Park may soon be home to many tens of thousands of Animals who have either escaped enforced domestication or found themselves homeless after the closing of a number of Human-run zoological parks.

“It is imperative that we prepare for this incoming wave of desperate Animals. It is our duty to ensure their safety and security,” the letter states.

The DWBS says there is plenty of time to increase funding for aid, since the 2017 budget likely will not be finalized until late August.

While not openly criticizing Abeja for her first budget, the DWBS suggested the PFO head take a “deeper and broader” look at The Park’s population and at circumstances outside The Park.

“Last year’s budget allocated a mere four percent to immigration and refugee support. This was, at the very least, somewhat naïve and short-sighted,” the letter says.

The DWBS has acknowledged the upcoming meeting of the Archons and the PFO head, which is scheduled for next Wednesday.

“It is our hope that this item will be first on their agenda,” DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo told The Mammalian Daily.

OTD in 2016—Hire causes ire: Groundhog Day organizers take flack for Fleck + Stone

By

jgroundhogdayThe Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations has become the object of the public’s ire since announcing yesterday that it had hired the architectural firm of Fleck + Stone to design the 2017 prognostication pad.

According to Park Police, officials at the department began receiving hate mail and threats shortly after their morning press conference, during which they introduced the firm’s chief architect Vadim Kobras, and discussed the size and style of the new pad.

“Within hours, the department received an onslaught of written [hate] material, which they reported to us. We immediately deployed officers to the scene and an investigation of the material is underway at our forensic laboratory,” Inspector Maurice Addax of the Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) told the press this morning.

Police believe the negative reaction is due to the perceived expense involved in hiring the high-end firm, which is known for designing buildings of cultural import such as the Burrow Theatre and The Park Museum.

Perhaps in anticipation of that, members of the press received a fact sheet yesterday that outlined the costs of the prognostication pad and other accoutrements deemed necessary for the popular annual event. According to those figures, the cost of this year’s pad will be only slightly higher than last year’s.

Still, optics matter, says Park Finance Office head Valentina Abeja, whose last budget reduced the funds allotted to special events by two percent.

“If they’d asked me, I would have told them to hold off for a year or, at the very least, talk about the cost first. Animals who are struggling to make a living have a hard time understanding why we need a posh pad to celebrate Groundhog Day,” she said.

OTD in 2016—Cosmopolitan Pest Magazine poll finds PFO head Abeja liked, well-respected

By

Valentina AbejaA poll taken last week by The Cosmopolitan Pest has found that most Park Animals feel positively about current Park Finance Office head Valentina Abeja.

The magazine’s poll was taken August 10, exactly one week ahead of Abeja’s second budget. The results show that the successor to scandal-ridden Milton Struts is viewed as a good head of the Finance Office, even though some thought her first budget was too conservative.

Abeja, who famously told Park citizens last year that they “couldn’t have tomorrow’s lunch today,” is nevertheless seen as “responsive” and “responsible” to The Park’s residents. Other adjectives used in connection with Abeja included, “wise,” “stable,” “competent,” and “intelligent.” Those surveyed also said they believed that Abeja has The Park’s best interests at heart.

“It’s clear from the results that our respondents had Milton Struts in mind when they answered some of those questions,” said the magazine’s editor Inès Puceron in a Mammalian Daily Radio interview this morning.

Abeja, who was appointed for a two-year term in February of 2015, has demonstrated her thoughtfulness and understanding of The Park’s residents throughout her term, according to Puceron.

“Valentina Abeja has a certain rapport with Park Animals that Milton Struts never had. He stood apart from them and every budget seemed to them like a reprimand, whereas not only last year’s budget, but Abeja’s remarks beforehand showed that she was one of us,” Puceron said.

The PFO head will present her 2017 budget, formally known as “Park Expense Projections,” tomorrow at eleven o’clock in the morning.

OTD in 2016—Cackling Goose coalition asks: Would we be safer without sod?

By

Cackling Goose TavernThe coalition of groups that has conducted regular meetings at the Cackling Goose Tavern has sent a message to the citizens and residents of The Park.

Inside a carefully worded missive published in all Park media today, the coalition poses the question: Would we be safer without sod?

The group, whose members include representatives of citizen aid and action associations, environmental groups, other alliances and federations, and some of The Park’s technology companies, has been working since the end of July to develop a proposal for The Park’s 2017 budget.

Today they are calling on the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations to join them in their effort to keep Park residents safe from Human invasion.

The DWBS, who came under fire recently for issuing a safety alert that some deemed too late to save Park Animals, has promised to look into the coalition’s proposal to substitute grass seed for The Park’s sod.

“We believe that Humans, who have a very short attention span, would be less likely to see The Park as a vacation option if they had to wait for the grass to grow,” the coalition says in its statement.

While that might prove true and could result in fewer Humans endangering Park Animals, some warn that there is a downside to this way of thinking.

“We continue to walk a fine line when it comes to Humans and tourism. On the one hand, we want to maintain The Park for ourselves, but on the other, we have to admit that we are far too small to be self-sustaining. We rely on the funds that come from Humans who buy our products and services and it does us no good to pretend that we don’t,” says Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS).

The coalition is seeking the input of resident Park Animals before it presents its proposal to Park Finance Office head Valentina Abeja. Abeja announced last month that she would be presenting her 2017 budget on August 17.

Hire causes ire: Groundhog Day organizers take flack for Fleck + Stone

By

jgroundhogdayThe Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations has become the object of the public’s ire since announcing yesterday that it had hired the architectural firm of Fleck + Stone to design the 2017 prognostication pad.

According to Park Police, officials at the department began receiving hate mail and threats shortly after their morning press conference, during which they introduced the firm’s chief architect Vadim Kobras, and discussed the size and style of the new pad.

“Within hours, the department received an onslaught of written [hate] material, which they reported to us. We immediately deployed officers to the scene and an investigation of the material is underway at our forensic laboratory,” Inspector Maurice Addax of the Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) told the press this morning.

Police believe the negative reaction is due to the perceived expense involved in hiring the high-end firm, which is known for designing buildings of cultural import such as the Burrow Theatre and The Park Museum.

Perhaps in anticipation of that, members of the press received a fact sheet yesterday that outlined the costs of the prognostication pad and other accoutrements deemed necessary for the popular annual event. According to those figures, the cost of this year’s pad will be only slightly higher than last year’s.

Still, optics matter, says Park Finance Office head Valentina Abeja, whose last budget reduced the funds allotted to special events by two percent.

“If they’d asked me, I would have told them to hold off for a year or, at the very least, talk about the cost first. Animals who are struggling to make a living have a hard time understanding why we need a posh pad to celebrate Groundhog Day,” she said.

Cosmopolitan Pest Magazine poll finds PFO head Abeja liked, well-respected

By

Valentina Abeja

PFO head and Budget Chief Valentina Abeja: poll says she is liked and well-respected

A poll taken last week by The Cosmopolitan Pest has found that most Park Animals feel positively about current Park Finance Office head Valentina Abeja.

The magazine’s poll was taken August 10, exactly one week ahead of Abeja’s second budget. The results show that the successor to scandal-ridden Milton Struts is viewed as a good head of the Finance Office, even though some thought her first budget was too conservative.

Abeja, who famously told Park citizens last year that they “couldn’t have tomorrow’s lunch today,” is nevertheless seen as “responsive” and “responsible” to The Park’s residents. Other adjectives used in connection with Abeja included, “wise,” “stable,” “competent,” and “intelligent.” Those surveyed also said they believed that Abeja has The Park’s best interests at heart.

“It’s clear from the results that our respondents had Milton Struts in mind when they answered some of those questions,” said the magazine’s editor Inès Puceron in a Mammalian Daily Radio interview this morning.

Abeja, who was appointed for a two-year term in February of 2015, has demonstrated her thoughtfulness and understanding of The Park’s residents throughout her term, according to Puceron.

“Valentina Abeja has a certain rapport with Park Animals that Milton Struts never had. He stood apart from them and every budget seemed to them like a reprimand, whereas not only last year’s budget, but Abeja’s remarks beforehand showed that she was one of us,” Puceron said.

The PFO head will present her 2017 budget, formally known as “Park Expense Projections,” tomorrow at eleven o’clock in the morning.

Cackling Goose coalition asks: Would we be safer without sod?

By

Cackling Goose TavernThe coalition of groups that has conducted regular meetings at the Cackling Goose Tavern has sent a message to the citizens and residents of The Park.

Inside a carefully worded missive published in all Park media today, the coalition poses the question: Would we be safer without sod?

The group, whose members include representatives of citizen aid and action associations, environmental groups, other alliances and federations, and some of The Park’s technology companies, has been working since the end of July to develop a proposal for The Park’s 2017 budget.

Today they are calling on the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations to join them in their effort to keep Park residents safe from Human invasion.

The DWBS, who came under fire recently for issuing a safety alert that some deemed too late to save Park Animals, has promised to look into the coalition’s proposal to substitute grass seed for The Park’s sod.

“We believe that Humans, who have a very short attention span, would be less likely to see The Park as a vacation option if they had to wait for the grass to grow,” the coalition says in its statement.

While that might prove true and could result in fewer Humans endangering Park Animals, some warn that there is a downside to this way of thinking.

“We continue to walk a fine line when it comes to Humans and tourism. On the one hand, we want to maintain The Park for ourselves, but on the other, we have to admit that we are far too small to be self-sustaining. We rely on the funds that come from Humans who buy our products and services and it does us no good to pretend that we don’t,” says Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS).

The coalition is seeking the input of resident Park Animals before it presents its proposal to Park Finance Office head Valentina Abeja. Abeja announced last month that she would be presenting her 2017 budget on August 17.

Mark your calendars: August 17 is budget day in The Park

By

Aug 17The Park Finance Office will present its 2017 budget in August, it was announced this morning.

At a short press conference held outside her office, PFO head Valentina Abeja confirmed she would present her second—and possibly last—budget at 11:00 on August 17.

The PFO head, who is now in the last year of her two-year mandate, has garnered much less attention—and controversy–than the previous head, Milton Struts. Still, many believe that this budget is a crucial one for her, if she wishes to remain in the position.

While Abeja has been more popular than Struts, who was criticized and ultimately ousted for taking food from Humans and renting out Park farmland to them, many considered her first budget to be too conservative and less forward-looking than they’d expected.

“She got a pass on the last budget, because it was better thought-out and we’d been without a budget for over a year. She was also better behaved than Struts was at the end, and that counted for a lot. But now she has to show us what she’s got in terms of the future of The Park and understanding the situation we’ve found ourselves in,” says Xavier Dingo, chief financial analyst at A. Corn and Partners.

Others agree.

“I think her honeymoon is all but over,” said one analyst who wished to remain anonymous.

Dingo, who knew Abeja from her days as an analyst at The Park’s All Species Credit and Commercial Bank (ASCCB), says she’s “highly qualified, competent, and conscientious.”

But, he says, she has one glaring weakness: “She’s is short on the ability to delegate.”

DWBS to Archons, PFO: Increase aid to immigrants, domestication survivors

By

Animal Aid RaccoonAs Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM) draws to a close, the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has embarked on a new campaign to encourage the Archons and the Park Finance Office to allocate more funding to aid immigrants and the survivors of domestication.

In an open letter to the Archons and to PFO head Valentina Abeja, the DWBS cited alarming statistics that suggest that The Park may soon be home to many tens of thousands of Animals who have either escaped enforced domestication or found themselves homeless after the closing of a number of Human-run zoological parks.

“It is imperative that we prepare for this incoming wave of desperate Animals. It is our duty to ensure their safety and security,” the letter states.

The DWBS says there is plenty of time to increase funding for aid, since the 2017 budget likely will not be finalized until late August.

While not openly criticizing Abeja for her first budget, the DWBS suggested the PFO head take a “deeper and broader” look at The Park’s population and at circumstances outside The Park.

“Last year’s budget allocated a mere four percent to immigration and refugee support. This was, at the very least, somewhat naïve and short-sighted,” the letter says.

The DWBS has acknowledged the upcoming meeting of the Archons and the PFO head, which is scheduled for next Wednesday.

“It is our hope that this item will be first on their agenda,” DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo told The Mammalian Daily.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

November 2025
M T W T F S S
 12
3456789
10111213141516
17181920212223
24252627282930